The Smell of Spray Paint
by Mushrooms Of Gold
Summary: Tired of feeling ignored and overlooked, Matthew Williams does something he knows will get attention. He runs away. Cold and alone, he finds himself in Berlin where he meet cocky, homeless street artist Gilbert. With no other choice, Matthew takes refuge in Gilbert's kindness... But what will he do when he starts to harbour romantic feelings for him? Cover image credit: Jaesch
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Hello! I am Mushrooms of Gold, some of you guys might know me from my other fic 'His Cheerleader Boyfriend' that I wrote a while ago, well if you do, I'm back, as promised, with number two! This is by no means set in the same universe as HCB so all characters are starting fresh! Now, if you don't know me, welcome! I hope you enjoy my story!  
Thank you for reading!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia; all characters belong to __Hidekaz Himaruya unless otherwise stated. _

**One.**

I had to confess, I had imagined running away from my family and home to be a bit more glamorous than this.

From the moment that this bad, dangerous idea had wormed itself into my mind; I had pictured a dramatic scene. I had some dumb idea that the train that I was now riding on, in the middle of the night would be all empty and quiet, perhaps one or two other riders on it that would be deathly silent, as if their futures were as uncertain as my own, and as if they were also just as scared.

But that isn't at all what I got.

The air in the train's crowded carriage was hot but also damp and gross, the humidity steamed up the windows and even my glasses, so much so that after spending the first hour of the uncomfortable ride furiously wiping them I had given up and shoved them into my pocket.

There was noise too, so much noise. It was mostly talking in foreign languages that I could never even begin to understand. The French, German, Dutch and goodness knows how many other dialects all merged into a loud babble that took away any hopes to get some sleep on this journey.

Somehow I managed to be squashed up against a large business guy; the suit he was wearing was damp from the pouring rain which had only just stopped outside, this added to the muggy, atmosphere in a way that made me feel like I really needed to have a hot shower. There were loud drunk ladies who were probably celebrating something, cuz they were all talking three times louder than they needed to and there were multiple vodka bottles around their general area. Across from me, a mother tried to feed her baby, but the kid was too busy crying.

I tried to shift in my seat into a position that didn't hurt my back, wriggling around in the chair; I thought of a soft warm bed to go to with white linen and clean sheets but knew that right now, that wasn't an option. My eyes stung with the need to sleep and my throat felt tight and dry as I tried (and failed) to reach the side of the backpack that I had brought which held my water bottle.

This was all totally my choice though. It was true, I may have sorta faced a little disillusionment at this part of the journey, but this was something that I had been imagining and counting down to for a long time now. This was the sad cry for attention that I, Matthew Williams had sunken to.

I sank lower in the seat that seemed to be turning more and more to stone the longer I stayed in it. This was such a terrible, terrible idea... How could I do this to my parents? And my brother would be scarred by the whole thing

My eyes shut, though I couldn't tell if it was because I just had run out of the energy to hold them open or if I was cringing at how bad I felt.

After a few moments of re-gathering myself and trying to find my courage I opened my eyes again and leaned forward on my bulky backpack. I had decided a long time ago that I was going to do this, and that wasn't changing now. I had made it this far and there really was no going back. I knew why I was doing this, thinking back to where this plan to just run off without warning had all come from helped a lot. I was too overlooked back home. I was stepped on and walked over like the door mat of the family and I was finished taking it. Sick of neighbours forgetting my name and relatives forgetting that I even existed.

Somehow the third time that I had both parents away on a work trip on my birthday had triggered something. I still had the tear stained notebook page that I had written in an angry fury, trying to release my feelings which was in reality the birth of my plan. The plan to run away.

That's why I was here. It was something they couldn't ignore. They'd miss me. Maybe even cry. My face would go on milk cartons and they'd be on the news begging for my safe return. That was the plan.

I didn't hate my parents. They had raised me into a healthy seventeen year old; I didn't smoke, do drugs or have sex. I had good friends who were more likely to take me to a chess club than a nightclub and my grades weren't amazing but could see me to a college. They had just pushed me to a breaking point. I was starved of attention. Now I was going to make sure I got it.

I peered out of the window; we had passed the German border ages ago, sometime this morning. But now as the skies turned dark I hadn't the faintest idea where we could be now... Perhaps Poland?

It had been pretty easy to get here. I took advantage of the trip to Northern France the family did each year and used it as my escape route. This morning, before anyone else had even stirred; I took my prepacked rucksack and left the hotel alone with one destination in mind, the train station.

Now I was ready to take the next step and get off at whatever train station we were getting closer to, time let my adventure really begin.

I didn't have to wonder where my adventure was going to start for long, I perked up when I heard the monotone announcement that would inform me of where I would be spending the following weeks.

I didn't understand most of it, but there was one word that I did know, the name of the the city I was in.

Berlin!

That was new. I wasn't exactly the most travelled kid in the world, but Europe was familiar enough to me. There was the annual trip we took to France, and I had been to Italy once when I was little. I also had seen Spain and Belgium on school field trips. Though Berlin, and all the rest of Germany, was unexplored territory.

Suddenly I felt very nervous, my mind had already made itself up, I was getting off in Berlin. I had come to what I felt like was the point of no return what was just a theoretical fantasy last month was coming true, right here and now. I wiped the condensation from the window with my sleeve and watched the lights race by. This was the big city. My heart flipped.

Steeling myself one more time, I stood up abruptly and grabbed my rucksack. Then, rather less abruptly, I shuffle and squeezed past all the people, apologising to each one that I clumsily bumped into.

After an embarrassing, long minute of worming my way to the train doors, I stood, waiting as I felt the train start to slow and come to a stop. The doors slid open, letting the cold air in and me out.

There were hoards of people that got off here; I could only feel myself blend into the masses as I stepped down onto solid ground.

I must have stayed there for at least two minutes, my back to the train as the others around me dispersed. I waited and waited. Then I heard the sound of the train behind me start up, there was a small noise as the doors sealed shut again. I sucked in a breath as it started to chug away again, leaving me behind and creating a slight breeze that blew my hair forward and penetrated my clothes, chilling me.

I only let my breath go again when I could no longer hear anything but the buzzing of the lighting that hung in the station. I felt my feet become unglued from the ground as I hoisted my bag up and started to look for a place to pee before trying to find an exit.

**x++x**

I found myself in a deserted coffee shop around an hour later.

I was gonna try to avoid these kinds of places; I promised myself that it would pay off to cut the luxuries from my diet, and way of living. I had money that I had been saving for months and I had cash from my part time job, but it was still limited. I couldn't afford to buy coffee.

Though, despite my best mental efforts, when the allure of the hot drink with it's bitter caffeine called, I answered. I reasoned, as I entered the joint, that I just needed the caffeine after my long day and seven Euros was an okay price to pay for it.

"Um..." I tried to recall my limited German, suddenly wishing I had been more enthusiastic when I had taken the class for it at school, "_Ein Kaffee... Bitte."_ My voice was croaky and my order sounded more like a question than an order, but I must have done something right, because the tired barista got to work, making what looked like was a black coffee.

I grabbed around 100 sugar sachets from their holder on the counter, shoving half of them in my pockets while I reckoned that no one was looking. The other half went into my drink the moment it arrived after what seemed like forever. I paid with a small grimace and headed over to a vacant, clean table.

Before I could even plant my rear down, the barista called over something in German, pointing to a sign that hung on the wall when she saw my blank expression that read in German, French and English, 'SITTING IN WILL COST EXTRA.'

I took a moment to take in the large notice in exasperation before finally puffing up my cheeks and blowing air out on my lips and nodding at the barista before heading back towards the door. I felt guilty enough as it was with my overprice drink that warmed my hands, I wasn't going to let myself sit at a table in there or I'd probably just keep going and be broke by morning.

I told myself that I wasn't done stretching my legs anyway, but my bag was getting heavier and heavier by the second and my coffee was cooling down rapidly in the night air.

I ended up pouring half of it in a puddle; it was too watery and weak and I was starting to worry about bigger things. Like where I was going to spend the night.

Truth be told, though I was shaking in a mixture of cold and fear, I was yet to find my excitement. I felt like poop. I was shocked at how tired riding a train all day had made me, there was a bad taste in my mouth, my head throbbed and my back ached.

Worst of all, I had no idea of where to turn.

I spun around once, and then twice, unsure of which direction to go. Hotels were all around me but I wasn't going to stay in one of those. They kept records and would probably recognise my face if someone asked. Someone like a missing person's investigator.

I would look suspicious to a hotel anyway; a fresh faced Canadian showing up all alone with a huge rucksack and only paying in cash was something they probably would remember.

Sleeping on a park bench didn't appeal either but I had thought of a medium. I wanted to spend my time in hostels. They were cheaper, more casual, and overall easier to look normal in.

But as I looked around, there wasn't a hostel anywhere around me. I bit my lip as my eyes scanned the buildings but no matter how many times I surveyed the area, there was nothing that even resembled a place for me to spend my first night as a runaway in.

I could have asked for directions but quickly decided that around midnight was not a great time to be asking the others on the streets for that sort of thing, especially when you barely knew a word in their language.

I wandered the streets for a while, getting more and more anxious, my situation only seemed even worse the more I thought about it. There seemed to be nothing for me. I walked, I ran, I trudged, slowly losing hope and faith in this whole idea.

I was about to lose it and burst into tears as I sat down on a bench. I was at the East Side Gallery, at the Berlin wall, but any wonder at the city's historic feature was lost as I stormed past the single street artist that was spray painting on the wall, dumped my bag down, kicking it roughly and had sat down, my head in my hands.

I could hear the street artist behind me toss down an empty can and I wondered if he knew where I could find a payphone where I could call for help.

"Yo." Suddenly the street artist was right beside me, I sunk down. He was looming over me and dressed in all black with the hood or his sweater up, very intimidating. He had both hands in his pockets and brought something out. For a fleeting moment I was sure it was a knife and I quickly fumbled to find some money so that he wouldn't hurt me,

"_Du hast ein Feuerzeug?_" He said and I looked back up at him, my shaking hands still trying to find my wallet.

There was a moment of silence between us, I had no idea what he just said but it didn't sound too threatening. Though I still wondered if I should have used the moment to run.

"_Was? Du nicht spreche Deutch?_"

I found my voice though it came out small and timid, "U-Um... Sorry, I don't..."

"Jesus, kid." He laughed, and I started to relax, suddenly I saw a flash of his smile and he didn't look so scary anymore, "Do not look so worried, you look fucking constipated."

"You speak English?" I asked with a little more confidence.

"What does this sound like to you? Chinese?" He laughed again and pulled down his hood.

I could see him now, the street lights showing me his features. He looked... Like a guy who could be hilarious, corny, rebellious and caring all at the same time. His hair was so light that in the dark it looked almost... White. He had pale skin that was a stark contrast to his black clothes and his eyes were rather narrow, making him always look mischievous.

And I didn't want to think it, but he had one of those boyish smiles that were universally top of the criteria for the perfect man.

The last thing I noticed was his piercings. One stud on his left brow and snake bite piercings on his lower lip. I had already decided that this man was the opposite of me; he was one of the few people of this world who could go anywhere and get all eyes on him. And not in a bad way either.

I blinked and realised that as I had been gazing up at the strange German man who had just approached me out of nowhere he had started talking again,

"Sorry, what?" I said, slightly embarrassed at my lack of focus.

"Oh man..." He ruffled his hair, the same ruffle you see men in shampoo adverts do, perfectly executed to mess up, and at the same time add volume to his light hair, "Do you even speak English? It is like talking to a statue here!"

"Sorry..." I said again, like it was the only word I knew.

"I was asking if you had a lighter... You know what that is, right?" He sat down next to me and I tensed up, "For these." He waved some cigarettes in my face. Of course I knew what a lighter was, I wanted to snap, but stopped myself. With my track record of focus with this guy, I couldn't find a way to blame him for thinking that I was a little dim.

"No, I don't... S..." I was about to use the S word again. But I stopped myself. I didn't want to look like that much of a wimp.

"Agh!" He hit the bench space between us with his balled up fist, startling me, "Mine is broken, and I fucking need a smoke!" He reached into his pocket and brought out a lighter with the Prussian flag on it and flicked it a few times, proving that no flame appeared when he tried.

"You're just being too impatient!" I grabbed the lighter from him.

"Hey!" He tried to take it back but I held it away from him, cupping my hand around it.

"There's a breeze here... You just have to do it right..." I murmured and flicked at it a few times.

"I saw a spark!" He exclaimed, his quest to reclaim his possession forgotten as he peered and watched me, "You are doing it!"

I gave no reply, just tried twice more and suddenly, it lit, "Quick, quick!" I hurried him before the flame died.

He frantically tore the small box open and pulled out the long cigarette, holding it to the flame and making a relieved noise as it caught alight,

"Awesome. We lit it!" He took a long drag, closing his eyes to take in the nicotine.

"Well I... I lit it..." I corrected him quietly but either he wasn't listening or didn't hear.

I coughed, wanting him to hold it a little further away.

He mistook my polite hint as something else, "Want one?" He blew out smoke at my face and I coughed more, waving it away,

"No!" I choked, "I don't smoke!"

"Me neither." He said, before taking another drag, holding it in his lips.

"Yes you do!" I blinked a few times, "You're doing it right now!"

He simply put a finger to his lips and gave me a wink. That shut me up.

There was a long silence. I started to think that this was the end of our encounter. I bit my lip. It was stupid to think that I had become friends with this strange man, he just wanted a lighter. That was all. We were still strangers. But then he spoke again.

"You are a tourist?" He blew out smoke again in a different direction.

I thought for moment, if that's what he thought, then my safest bet was to tell him that was the case, "That's right." And I suppose it was, in a way.

"Nice. Where are you staying?" He stood up and stretched. His sweater rode up and I got a peek at more pale skin.

I tore my eyes away as his clothes fell back into place, my worries stirring up once more.

"Well I... um... I'm having a little trouble..." The man seemed friendly and sober enough; perhaps he could help me find somewhere, though it seemed so hopeless, I had looked everywhere, "Say... Do you know any hostels around here?"

He raised one eyebrow, "You like sleeping in dumpsters?"

"What? No! I just need a bed for the night!" Maybe he didn't understand what I meant so I elaborated, "Somewhere cheap."

"Yeah. A dumpster is all you are going to find that will let you in for that sort of price."

I could feel my heart sinking, "Then what do I do!?" I was panicking again and it clearly showed, because he laughed and ruffled my hair.

"Go back to your parents. Are they not in a hotel? You are just trying to have some fun with awesome guys like me without them, right?"

"No..." I looked down, "I'm all alone."

There was a pause between us, "Why the hell did you come here with nothing but a rucksack and no plans?"

"I don't know..." I was shaking again and I felt a lump in my throat.

"You are a head case..." he grabbed my arm with a firm grim, "I guess we have no choice."

I tried to get away, suddenly feeling very afraid of the tall man again, "Wait no..." I tried to yank my arm away, "No! Where are you taking me!?"

I looked up at him, my face, a picture of terror, expecting to meet a dangerous looking leer but instead he just looked exasperated, "Calm down! I am taking you to my place."

I tried to pull my arm away again, slightly surprised when he dropped it so easily, "Why?"

"You have got nowhere else. And you gave me a light. And there are guys out here who would probably actually rape you."

I winced, so he had realised that I was worried that he'd do that to me. I took a moment to calm down, he was right. I did have no choice. I opened my mouth to accept his offer but he got in first, not doubting what my answer would be,

"Come on. My place is _awesome_." He started walking ahead of me letting me grab my bag and hurry after him.

We made it back onto the streets and I realised something. For the first time in what seemed like forever someone noticed me.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Just to let you know I'll be updating on Tuesdays and Saturdays! Remember to leave a review 3  
Thank you for reading~_

**Two.**

"You know, you never told me your name." The accented voice came from in front of me as we walked in together; since we left the man who had offered to take me in hadn't stopped talking, though this was his first attempt that he had made to have me talk back to him.

"Oh..." We had been walking for five minutes now, all he had been talking about was how stupid I was to get into my situation and how much better he would do things, so the change of conversation was surprising, but nice. "Matthew..." ... uh oh. I cursed myself. Was it a good idea to reveal my real name to this stranger? There would be people looking for me in the future and knowing my name might give this man a way to help them find me. All in all, I didn't want him knowing my name, but it was too late now...

He nodded in front of me and I took a few quick steps to catch up, "And you are an American?" He asked.

"Absolutely not!" I cried. I didn't really care what he thought my name was but if there was one thing that I would not be able to stand, it would be being mistaken, yet again, for an American. That had happened at least one hundred times in the past and I refused to let it happen again, "Canadian! I'm a Canadian!"

"Nah, I know nationalities! You look like an American!" He grinned.

"You can't say that! I'm from Canada!"

"You keep telling yourself that..." He suddenly turned and I bumped right into him, "We are here!"

I looked around but couldn't see anything. I looked up at the man who had led me here in confusion but it didn't look like he had made a mistake.

The area that we were in was positively desolate. There was barely anyone around and the streetlights flickered. It was totally run down.

"Nice right?" He laughed and crossed over the road, he wasn't even joking, "Come on, do not get left behind!" He was disappearing into an alleyway.

I felt uneasy, I looked around. There was no one else around apart from the two of us. But I had come here knowing there would be dangers, and there seemed to be nowhere else for me to go.

I followed him.

"You're... Homeless?"

I looked around. After crossing over the road, I had found myself here. A dark, crumbling old store unit. There lay a stained mattress in the middle of the floor and a bag of what looked like other clothes and more cans of spray paint. There was a huge hole in the roof that dripped water onto the stone floor and I was aware of the rats that scampered around behind me and around my feet.

I was kinda surprised. The man who had approached me hadn't seemed homeless at all. He was clean, shaven and in a good shape. But as he jumped forward and landed on his chest on the mattress, there was a doubt in my mind that this was where he lived. Though when I first stepped in here I was convinced that this was a joke.

"I am not homeless! This is my home! I did it up all myself! Pretty awesome, right?" He kicked off his shoes.

"But this is where you live... You live on the streets..." I looked up at the hole in the ceiling, it stretched up several stories.

"Sure, sure," He shrugged and pulled off his shirt, I looked away as he tossed it aside and grabbed a grubby blanket, but from what I could see he was lean... He had a nice body, "But I am not a gross bum! I wash and shave every two days in public bathrooms and I can use the Laundromat down town to wash my clothes... It is great!"

I didn't know what to say, he was smiling widely and watching me... I met his eyes and he gave me expecting look, so I just showed him a small smile and said, "Thank you for letting me stay here then..."

"No problem, I really had to think if I wanted to let you in because this is my place and my mattress but you seem like an okay guy!"

"R-Right... Well... Thank you." I put my rucksack down and opened it up.

"I do not know what you will..." He looked at me and noticed me pull a sleeping bag out of my rucksack, "Oh! That is great! You have something to sleep on!"

I nodded and looked at his mattress. It didn't seem like he was going to be courteous enough to let his guest sleep on it or even share it with him but I said nothing of it. I was lucky enough to be able to sleep in some kind of shelter.

"Can brush my teeth?" I was almost timid as I asked.

"You cannot do it here, there is no faucet or anything." He shrugged before lying back.

"Oh..." I but my toothbrush back and laid out my sleeping bag. I had my pyjamas with me but with how things were turning out, it didn't look as if I'd be using them.

Just as I was climbing into the sleeping bag, easing my still aching joints onto the hard ground I heard his voice again,

"I did not mean you could not do it! There is a public bathroom, five minutes down the street."

I bit my lip and looked back over to my bag, I didn't want to brave the dark streets in this area alone, and I felt like the time to do it had passed.

"That's okay, it doesn't matter."

"Then do not bother asking."

We were silent. I lay there, uncomfortable, no pillow and only thin fabric was between me and the stone floor.

I was still, not wanting disturb my host who after five minutes had started to snore, telling me that he was asleep and after what felt like forever of counting sheep, I made it into some kind of slumber.

**x++x**

I felt awful when I woke up the next morning. There was a crick in my neck and my throat was dry. I was confused and disorientated as well as totally fatigued form waking up in the night several times.

It had taken me several minutes to work out where I was at first. I was alone, my host had left at some point before I woke up, and I had opened my eyes to a dirty, old, empty store unit. I was still in my clothes and they felt very uncomfortable after the long night of lying on the hard ground.

I was still coming to terms with my current situating when my host came back in, holding and swinging a plastic bag.

I watched him as he entered, pulling down the hood of his sweater. This was the first time that I had gotten a look at him in the light and found myself stunned. What I thought was just a trick of the light yesterday was, to my surprise, actually the case. He had white hair. It wasn't even really light blonde it was white, pure white. Like snow. It looked... Really soft.

His skin too, white. It was beyond pale, this man was whiter than anyone than I had ever seen.

He looked over to me and our eyes met, I gripped the edges of my sleeping bag, his eyes struck me the most. They were scarlet, no colour at all, the irises were translucent and the blood in his eyes showed though. It was odd; I couldn't find myself able to look away.

He was albino. I realised that as he dumped down his bag and ruffled up his hair again. A rare mutation that caused a lack of melanin in his skin.

"You are still here...?" He was looking me up and down and I blinked, not understanding why that was something he had to ask.

"Umm... Yeah." I grabbed my glasses and pushed them onto my face, "And starving."

"Oh..." He looked at me and then his bag, "Well, Matthew, I have some bread and you are lucky, because I have decided to share it with you!"

"Right! G-Gosh, thank you!" I spoke quickly, before he could change his mind.

He tossed me part of the baguette he had brought us and sat back against a wall as we both ate. I noticed his eyes trained on me and I felt my face heat up under his gaze.

"Hey..." I said looking back at him. This was good bread; anxiety crossed my mind about where it had come from, "You didn't steal this... Did you?"

He suddenly looked hurt and angry, I regretted asking the question, "Does it look stolen to you!?" He shouted and I cowered back a little, "You listen here, I am not a thief! You know, I work my ass off almost twelve hours a day selling my art to get the money to buy stuff like this! I sometimes barely eat and here I Jeeze... I am sharing my bread with you and you ask me _that!_" Fury was written all over his colourless face, "Do you think I am some kind of drugged up scum?!"

"No! I'm sorry it's just-" I felt rude and just terrible for suspecting how he came to own this bread.

"Do I need to show you the receipt?!" He got up and stormed over and I shuffled back.

I shook my head quickly.

"Good." He backed off, "Anyway, you must be getting going, I am going to start work soon."

"Going?" I swallowed shakily, just glad that he had stopped shouting at me, "Going where?"

"Anywhere!" he shrugged, "You did not think I was letting you stay forever, did you?"

I was silent and he started laughing at me,

"Oh my god!" He laughed louder, pointing at me, "You actually did!"

"You told me you'd take me in!" I protested.

"Yes, in the middle of the night when you actually had nowhere to spend the night! Jesus, you think I would just let you freeload off me and eat my food? You are a fucking hoot!" He pointed to the door, still laughing, "Get out of here, Mattie."

"Don't call me that!" I felt somehow offended that this man had shortened my name, "And I can pay! I have nowhere else to go!"

I was panicking now; I really had no other people or places to turn to. But the guy wasn't open to reason.

"I live alone, I am a lone wolf!" He was smiling like this was all a big joke, "Now off you go! You got breakfast; I do not know why you are so unhappy about this!"

"Please! I won't get in your way!"

"Too late. Getting rid of you is a pain enough! Now pack away your sleeping bag or I will just keep it."

I rolled up said sleeping bag with a lump in my throat and my eyes stinging with tears. This felt unfair, I could pay and had plenty experience of keeping out of the way, but the man just added salt to the wound and started to sing,

"_Auf wieeeeeeedersehen__Auf wiedersehen,__we'll meet again,__sweetheeeeeeeart, this lovely day has flown away;__the time has come to paaaaaart!"_

"This place smells!" I told him stroppily, "And you can't sing!" I shoved past him as he leaned against the doorframe and left.

"Whatever!" He shouted after me, as I left, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, "You are just a tourist who can go back to your cushy place in America! I do not need you hanging around me!"

I turned around, hoping to come out with a good come back when I saw he was lighting another cigarette, using the lighter the same way I showed him yesterday and somehow felt very used,

"You would have to buy a new lighter if it weren't for me! Remember that!"

Then he flipped me off and I was too upset to answer back to that.

**x++x**

He was totally right though. If he wanted to kick me out of the place he was living in then it was his choice, not his fault if I chose to be naive and expect to be given a place to stay and start being rude if I wasn't. I just wished it was. I wanted someone to blame.

These were my thoughts as I sat having lunch on a park bench, two hours later. I had no choice; I simply had to find somewhere else. I would get a train to another part of town and find a youth hostel. It would make more sense to stay somewhere like that anyway.

But I kept on thinking back to last night, and how, for the very first time, I felt noticed by someone. Someone stayed and chatted to me, even though he didn't need to. I was so happy for it.

I got up and looked around. I wasn't sure of where I was, after leaving last night's accommodation I had walked off in one directing, muttering curses and angry words at the man who had every right to send me on my way.

I had washed my face, cleaned my teeth and changed my clothes since then but apart from that, hadn't done much. Though I did decide one thing, I wasn't going home. If anything, last night's chance encounter gave me some hope that I could do this. I just couldn't stand being at home anymore.

I started walking again, pulling up my hood. I had been missing for over 24 hours now. There was a good chance that people had started looking for me, I wanted to stay discreet.

It hadn't taken long for me to end up in a dirty backstreet. It was just my luck. This place was worse than the street I had been led though last night. It smelled like vomit and piss and there was a man lying drunk on the ground that I avoided looking at as I sidestepped past his slumped body.

It hadn't taken me long to decide to turn around. This place was scary, and there was hairless, diseases stray cat giving birth not far in front of me. It was too much.

But before I could even take two steps back, out of seeming nowhere, a group of men, all grimy with leers and smirks started to approach me.

"Excuse me..." I mumbled and tried to move past them. There were around five of them and I didn't dare look any one of them in the eye.

One of them put his hand on my shoulder. I felt my stomach drop to the floor. They started to talk to each other in German and I felt myself break out in a cold sweat as I tried to pull away, only to find out that he had me gripped and wasn't letting go.

I started to protest and one of them said something, the others laughed. The one who had my shoulder suddenly pulled me back so hard and fast that I almost felt like my arm was about to come out of its socket.

I stumbled back into the circle they made; I tripped over my own feet and yelped as my arms hit the ground first. I felt myself graze them, it stung and ran up my arms but that wasn't my main thought. I was too busy darting my eyes between the men who were closing in on me.

I felt paralyzed; it wasn't until one of them reached for me that I rolled over and tried to crawl out between the legs of the one to my right, leaving my bag behind.

But I was only kneed in the stomach. One of them shouted and I was kicked again, this one knocked the wind out of me and I knew that I was going to be left with two rather large and painful bruises.

That was when I let out a strangled cry, my voice weak so I tried again, screaming at the top of my lungs for help. My shouts were cut short quickly by one of them putting his disgusting, damp palm over my mouth. Another grabbed my arm and held them behind my back, despite my struggles, the only sign that I was in trouble were my panicked eyes and the muffled noises.

I kicked and tried to tear my arms away from the one who held them back when some of my worst fears were met. The ringleader of the group unzipped his trousers, I was forced to watch as his floppy cock was pulled out and brought over to me.

No.

This wasn't what I wanted.

No. No!

The hand was taken away and the men said something to one another as I sealed my lips shut. The greasy flesh was pressed to my lips as they refused to part. I could feel it there, trying to force its way into my mouth.

Tears formed at the side of my eyes.

Cool metal pressed to my throat and I understood my circumstances.

I felt disgust as I opened my mouth. I could hear my pulse in my ears.

This was horrible.

I was getting so dirty, I wanted to die, puke and cry all at the same time

The man who pushed himself to the back of my throat groaned. He was just using me to get off... I wasn't his sex toy! I bit down on him, wincing as my teeth sunk down onto flesh.

He yelled out in pain and the man who was holding my arms loosened his grip in his surprise. I crawled back on my hands and knees as fast as I could, away from the kitchen knife that someone had held at my throat.

They were all shouting now angrily, I had my back to the wall and was certain I was finished.

Then I heard a loud cry. It wasn't any of the man before me and sounded an awful lot like...

A battle cry.

The next few moments were just a blur. One minute I was sure I was meeting my end, the next, the men fell like dominos as someone charged at them.

At first I thought it was an angel.

It was an easy mistake to make, given that the person's hair and skin were pure white.

Wait! White hair and skin... It was the albino!

I stood up; he had beaten one to the ground and laughed, looking at the others, saying something that sounded like a challenge.

They advanced on him, something he clearly didn't expect because he started to back off slowly before grabbing my bag and putting it on his other shoulder beside his black satchel and called for me to run as he sped off back the way he came. And without a moment's hesitation, I followed.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Here is number three! I meant to put this up a little while ago but things got busy...  
Thank you for reading! Reviews are appreciated._

**Three.**

We ran for what felt like forever.

The backstreet that we had escaped from had long receded behind us and at some point my saviour had grabbed onto my hand. I squeezed it feeling protected as long as he dragged me along.

We were far away and panting hard when we stopped. He dropped my hand and we both spent ten seconds standing and gasping for air.

He took a deep breath,"What the hell...?" He gasped, "I cannot even leave you alone or you will just get into trouble!"

I swallowed, wiping the film of sweat from my brow; I couldn't believe what just happened. I felt angry and disgusted with myself. I sat down on a bench and gripped the edges of it, shaking.

"You okay?" He asked and I could almost detect concern in his voice.

"S-Sorry...!" I put my hands over my face.

He sighed and looked at me. I was so pathetic.

"I have some water if you want some..." He sat next to me.

I nodded, I felt acutely embarrassed to even be in this state. For letting myself give into those men back there.

He handed me the bottle and even unscrewed the lid, seeing that I was obviously not fit to do so on my own.

I grabbed it; I was shaking so much that I could barely find my mouth, but when I did I swallowed down half the liquid and then proceeded to douse myself in the rest, letting the cool water bring me down to earth and got away some of the filth that I could feel all over my skin.

I gasped shuddered, pushing up my glasses and rubbing my eyes, wiping some of the water from my face. That felt a little better, but I was still shivering, though now that was half from the cold. I still felt sick and my heart was in my mouth and I felt so, so violated and disgusting and pathetic. But a little better.

He coughed a little, looking like he was going to say something about his supply of water now soaking through my clothes.

Instead he hesitated before patting my hand once, "You can... You can cry if you want." He shrugged, "If you feel like it, I will not look."

"I don't want to cry!" I snapped, glaring at him.

He looked a little taken aback by my outburst and sighed, his idea of kindness having fallen flat, "You should go home; you obviously are not able to cope in a big city like Berlin alone, like I do!"

I shot him another sharp look, "I'm not going home!"

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever..."

I sat next to him but didn't look at him, my eyes staying trained at the ground.

"How did you find me?" I asked quietly

He shrugged like beating off a thug with a knife was no big deal, "I was out of paint, and the place I buy my cans from was just around the corner... You screamed out pretty loud and I recognised the voice."

"You did?" I felt flattered, though there wasn't anything that exciting about this guy recognising how I sounded.

"Well, you yelled at me this morning, so... Yes. I did."

"Oh..." I looked at him, for a second... He had a nice face, even with the piercings that dotted the white skin, "Sorry for that..."

"I am used to it." He sighed, "You want to come live with me?"

Wait... Was that an offer? Or just a question? It sounded like an offer...

"Do you mean... P-Permanently?" I sounded nervous, "But you said you didn't want that! You're a lone wolf!"

He looked pleased that I had called him a wolf, "Yes... For a while... I did like the companionship... And you got money! So that is good!"

I felt almost like I was in a dream, just this morning I had been thrown out of this man's home (if you could call it a home) and told to fend for myself.

"But, earlier you said-"

"Yeah I know! But you were on my mind all day and I could not stop thinking about you staying with me... And then we met again! It must be fate!"

I felt my face dust with colour, "You thought about me?"

"I was thinking mostly about the money you had! You must be pretty rich, and your money can help me pimp my pad!"

The flicker of happiness was put out. Of course he wanted money, he was homeless, and that was probably the only thing on his mind.

I nodded quickly, "I'd pay rent..." I was quiet for a moment, "What do I call you?" I asked, I still had no idea what this man's name was.

"Gilbert." He grinned and stood up, as if presenting himself to me, "Gilbert Beilschmidt, the hottest German around!"

I cracked a smile, "It's nice to meet you, Gilbert."

He chuckled and held out a hand. I took a moment to realise that it was being held out for me.

No one had ever held out their hand to me before.

Not ever.

Gilbert noticed me.

I took his hand and stood up, and was relieved to find my legs were no longer so jello-like. He dropped my hand that still lingered in his and wiped it on his jeans. I then realised that my palms were soaked in sweat.

"Sorry..." I put my sleeves over my hands.

With another laugh, he batted the back of my back of my head with his hand lightly and I stumbled forward,

"Stop apologising, jeeze, it is getting annoying! Anyway, I cannot be bothered going back to work so want to go home?"

Home.

The word opened the floodgates within me and relief flowed through my whole body. I had travelled to Germany, all on my own, to get attention and had gotten it. Not from my family but the man to had just welcomed me into a place to stay.

"Okay," I nodded, "Do you know where we are?"

He rolled his eyes, "Duh. I know this city better than the back of my hand."

I nodded again. This was all going to be alright. I bent over a and reached for my bag, my clothes still dripping wet from the water that I had drenched them in.

I pulled it over my shoulder, gritting my teeth from the weight of it.

"Here." Suddenly the weight that was on my back lightened and I spun around to see Gilbert holding on to my bag and taking it from me, "I shall take it."

"You don't have to!" I reached out for it but he had already swung it on one shoulder and had started walking.

"Nah, you had a rough day. But you owe me!" He laughed and winked.

"If you're sure..." To be honest, it wouldn't take all that much persuasion to accept an offer where I didn't have to carry that darn bag again, so I gave in and walked beside him, glad that I finally had a direction to head in.

I kept my hood up the whole walk back to Gilbert's empty store unit and avoided looking at everyone except him. Surely the authorities would have been notified of my disappearance and anyone who kept up with the news might have already heard of it. Gilbert luckily didn't strike me as one of those people; in fact, I don't think he really read the news at all. I was safe with him, in every respect, and I used that as an excuse to stick to him like glue for the whole walk. He also had the entire inventory of my possessions on his back, so straying far from him probably wasn't so wise anyway.

"Let me lay down some rules." Gilbert said, putting my bag down in a corner as we got back to his idea of a house.

"Okay." I wanted to sit down, but aside from the floor and his dirty old mattress there was nowhere to sit, and I wasn't quite in the mood for sitting on the floor. So I was forced to stay at his eye level.

"Number one!" He held up one finger, "Do not piss in the house."

I looked at him in disgust, "I'm not going to do that!" I took a step back, "I'm not some kind of animal!"

He threw up his arms, "Well sorr-eee! I just do not want this place to stink!"

I shook my head at him, "That's just gross, what's the next rule?"

"Do not take a shit either; my sweet awesome pad is not a toilet."

"Gilbert!" I was red now from the embarrassment.

"What?!" He looked annoyed at the attitude he had to these rules.

"I'm not going to do that! Can we move on from this? It's just... Ew!"

He sighed, scowling as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, "Fine! If you are a prude, rule number four is-"

"Wait..." I thought for a moment, "What's number three?"

He sighed, looking at me like I was dog that had just smacked into a glass door, "I have decided to skip that one as you seem to be too much of a princess to handle the first three rules."

"Oh... Sorry." I bit my lip, he shouldn't have mentioned there being a rule he skipped though, now curiosity got the better of me, "But what was it?"

"Agh!" He yelled out in exasperation, and hit his head of the stone wall, "Make your mind up!"

"Well don't tell me there is a rule number three and say I'm too prudent to hear it!"

He rubbed where he hit his head; obviously he had done it a little too hard, "Ow..." He whimpered.

I softened, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" He said sharply and sniffled a little, sulking.

"Is it bleeding?" I stepped closer to try and see.

"I'm fine!" He said again, he was pouting now, this man was ridiculous.

"What was rule number three?" I asked again, clearly Gilbert thought himself above my help.

He was putting his hand to the bump on his head and testing it for pain, checking the fingers that his pressed to his head for blood.

"Am I... Am I bleeding?" He was off on his own world now, "Maybe just a little bit."

I tapped my foot impatiently, "How old are you, Gilbert?"

He looked at me like he just remembered I was in the room, "Twenty-two..."

I blinked in surprise, I had not expected that. I was thinking more along the lines of nineteen. He was five years older than me... That was half a decade.

"Well..." I recovered from that shock and looked at him again, "Stop acting like you're three!"

He left his head alone, "Whatever. You are just bummed out because you cannot be as cool as me. Rule number three!" He held three fingers up, "If you want to masturbate, please do not make a mess and do it while I am not here."

My face fired up, Gilbert was right, I was a prude, and I wished I had never asked now. But I couldn't shoot him down; I did demand to know so I just tried to keep the blood creeping up to my face under control and asked,

"Now you can tell me four." I squeaked.

He seemed to pay no heed to the embarrassment I felt for discussing the terms of pleasuring myself, and thankfully moved on.

"You are not allowed to steal my paint, or use it without my permission!"

Thank goodness. A normal rule.

"Understood!"

"Great, five is..." He paused in thought.

"Five is...?" I asked, anticipating the next rule I had to follow.

He laughed and sat down on his mattress, "You know what? I am just making these up as we go along!"

"O-Oh..." I wasn't quite sure what to say to that.

"I have never let anyone stay with me longer than one night! So if you get yelled at for something just do not do it again, _ja_?"

"_Ja._" I nodded; I would try to be as much of a good guest as I could. After all, I probably owed my life to him for saving me from those thugs and he had given me a home.

Wow.

This dork was my saviour.

I sat down beside Gilbert and patted him on the back. I was pleasantly surprised to feel that he was really warm, despite the frosty appearance red eyes and pure white skin gave him.

I wanted to let my hand rest on his back for a little while longer but suddenly he stood up and left me on the mattress alone.

"I am going to do some painting on the Berlin wall for a short time." He picked up the satchel that he had left with my bag and started to leave,

"See you soon then?" I asked, bringing my knees to my chest.

"You cannot sleep on my mattress at night, you have your sleeping bag but you look tired so you can nap on it while I am gone."

"Really? Thank you!" I tried to say, but he was gone before I could even reach the end of my sentence.

It would seem that Gilbert wasn't keen on goodbyes or goodnights.

**x++x**

I slept the best I had in weeks that afternoon.

Now that I was alone, I allowed myself to take off my clothes and change into a pair of my pyjamas which were far more comfortable than my clothes and the mattress that Gilbert usually slept on was surprisingly soft. His blanket had a very distinct smell but strangely enough I didn't find it unpleasant and I used my sweater as a pillow.

I was asleep in seconds. I hadn't gotten a good night sleep in days, not for the few days before I set off away from my parents and not while I was here, so the moment I could feel myself slipping away was bliss.

I've never been sure of how long I slept, but if there's one thing I'm certain of, it is that I slept a very long time.

The sky was blue and gold when I awoke from the sun going down, when I fell asleep it had only been early afternoon. I felt disorientated, not knowing the time but smile as I finally felt well rested again.

It was actually Gilbert that woke me. I don't think he meant to but I could hear him doing stuff near me, and my eyes flickered open.

I sat up, yawning and stretching and sat forward in a slump as I tuned into him in front of me.

He turned on his heels and noticed me, sitting up and half dazed, "Oh! Hello there sleep head!"

I rubbed my eyes and pushed the blanket off of me, "You mean 'sleepy head'."

He gave me a odd look, "What?"

"Nothing..."I couldn't be bothered to say it again.

I fumbled for my glasses; I wasn't going to get back to sleep again, might as well get off Gilbert's mattress.

After around a minute of searching and getting frustrated I remembered that I had put them in my bag for safety. That's when I looked to where I had put my bag and realised,

My bag was gone.

I blinked a few times as if hoping it would appear. Was it stolen? I was sleeping alone in here and I didn't even have a door to lock, someone could have so easily pinched it.

That had my clothes, wallet and everything I needed in there.

"Gilbert!" In a fluster, I called his name.

"What is it now?" He didn't turn to look at me.

"Where's my bag?! It had all my money and now it's gone!" I stood up, spinning around to try to spot some sort of clue as to where it may be.

"What, that big thing you carry around?" His voice sounded passive and I couldn't help but feel a little mad at that.

I nodded, forgetting he couldn't see me, "Did someone take it?"

"Well, yes." He turned to look at me, "I did."

My heart sank like a stone, did he take my stuff? He just wanted my money so he could have easily hid my bag and got rid of me now, "Wh... What?"

"Yes, I put it away so it would not get stolen! Smart thinking, right?!"

I deflated a little at that in relief, "Where did you put it?"

"Upstairs." He sat back against the wall.

I furrowed my brow, "There are no stairs here..."

He suddenly grinned and got to his feet, "But there is an upstairs..."

He got into a position that made him look like he was getting ready to run. Just as I was about to question him he took off and leapt up grabbing a plank that lay over the hole in the ceiling and flipped himself up, landing on the floor above.

That was impressive; he was obviously strong and athletic. He was surely in a good shape.

Before my mind could wander further into the body shape and size my host was, he called down to me.

"Here!" He showed me the bag and I smiled, glad to see it safe, "It is in a good place."

I nodded, "Thank you for doing that..."

He jumped back down and landed on his feet, "Not a problem."

I looked back up to the hole in the roof, "The ceiling won't collapse in on us... Will it?" I shot him a worried look.

"Calm down!" He batted my head again, "Of course everything will be fine! Do you not think my awesome second floor is good enough?"

"What else do you have up there?" I gave the hole a second glance.

He shrugged and counted on his fingers, "My soap, shampoo, special spray paint, spare clothes, my money... Some drugs and an old guitar."

Drugs? Did he say drugs?

"What do you mean by some drugs?" I laughed nervously.

"You know, weeds, coke... I do not know the English names..."

I didn't want to sound accusatory, Gilbert had given me somewhere to stay, but if he was on drugs... I had reason to be scared.

"W-Why do you have them?"

"Do not use them!" He cried, looking at me like I had accused him of murder, "Maybe some times the weeds if I am having a bad time but mostly I do not use them."

"Then why do you have them?!"

"Junkies come to me demanding money for the drugs sometimes! I f I throw them some of the drugs they take they just go away! It is great! They can never remember where I live either, it is easy."

It did seem like a fair enough answer, Gilbert didn't act like he was on anything, he just had a large ego. For now, I was naive enough to believe him.

"I am going to bed now. You made me tired for the day!" He kicked my sleeping bag that someone had put out for me, "I got this out this to use as a cushion, you can have it now."

"Thank you..." Gilbert started to strip off again after sitting on his mattress and I looked away.

"This is still warm from you." He told me and I blushed.

"Sorry..."

"Nah," I looked at him again to see him snuggling down, "I like it."

"Oh..." I said quietly. I don't know why but I felt good to hear that, not quite flattered, not quite happy and not quite anything that was as passive as glad, but a mixture of the three when I heard him say he liked to wrap himself in my body heat. It was something that meant nothing, anyone's warmth would have done the job but it wasn't anyone's warmth that he was now sleeping in.

It was mine.

That meant something to me, I had never felt this before, I had never been able to hear someone say something and claim that I was the one who caused it.

It was a funny feeling, but nice. Really nice.

I laid out my sleeping bag and climbed into it, I didn't think I'd sleep; I had just napped for hours.

But strangely enough, listening to Gilbert snoring next to me helped. And I let my eyes close.

Looks like I could sleep some more after all.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thank you for reading! Please review!_

**Four.**

A week passed quickly enough and I learned lots about my house mate, Gilbert. I learned that unless he had a cigarette before sleeping he would snore, I learned he would sing in the shower even though it was in a public bathroom, I learned that he only took his face piercings off when he needed to wash his face and I learned that even though he drank and smoked, he would insist that he didn't.

I also found out that his favourite colour was red, his ego was the biggest I'd ever seen, he had ancestors from Prussia and he was a fan of lying in someone else's boy heat and liked glasses.

And I bet that as we got into the routine of our daily lives he learned lots about me too. I had my own habits that he probably picked up, just as many as he had.

Even though the living conditions of the place I had to call home were kinda poor, I had a nice life here. Every day I would wake up after Gilbert, and he'd give me breakfast and we'd talk together. Usually it was small talk but I valued our conversations, I was happy that it meant I could call him a friend. After that I'd give him the days rent, it was relatively cheap and I didn't have to worry about running out of money because of the price, and then he'd go out for work.

I'm not exactly sure where he worked, it wasn't employed job. Gilbert created pictures of scenery from his spray paints and sold them to tourists. I had never seen one of his works or seen him at work but judging by the money he managed to bring us back every day he was working hard.

While he was out I mostly stayed at home. He let me count and organise his money for him to make myself useful and I had brought with me a few books to read to try and stay entertained and I got the job of buying something for dinner while he was gone.

He would come back in the late afternoon and we ate together before he would leave again. Every night he would head out to the Berlin wall, half an hour's walk away.

I would go to bed before he got back. He woke earlier than me and slept later than me. He had seen me sleeping now plenty times and would often joke about my 'little sleep face' but I had never gotten the opportunity to see him asleep. Sometimes I would wake up in the night and hear him snoring or just breathing deeply and be tempted to sneak a peek, but never did. Maybe I just liked the idea he wasn't vulnerable enough to be watched sleeping.

Life was peaceful. There was only one problem that had stayed with me throughout my week.

I had made news.

I noticed it first when I was buying dinner for us both at a convenience store downtown. There was a massive photograph of me on the front of the newspaper. There was a headline above it but I had no clue as to what said, and wouldn't even if it was in English, I had fled from the store as soon as I saw it.

It was natural that I would make news like I did, I wasn't an adult and I had disappeared suddenly while on vacation with my family, that was worth paying attention to.

And it was kinda funny,

This whole trip, the idea of running away, came from me wanting attention.

Technically, I could go home now. I got what I came for, the world was looking for me and my family showed that they did care for me, so I could get to the nearest phone and call my mom. My job was done.

But it was strange because... I didn't want to go home.

I didn't want to go because I had found something here, someone who looked at me and not through me and held out their hand to me.

Gilbert made me want to stay.

I couldn't explain it even if I tried, but the attention he gave me was more than my face on the news papers and my family pleading for my safe return.

I didn't get it! He was the only reason I still wanted this life of sleeping rough and zero wifi and he had barely done anything! I came here searching for something big, now it was the little things that got me. Every time one of his mischievous grins or winks came my way, or even if he did as much as speak to me I got butterflies.

And I liked that a lot.

Maybe my crush on Gilbert was nothing but an envy thing; I just envied how free he was. That's what I hoped.

Though that didn't look at the ways that I often found myself watching or slipping into fantasies that he would...

That he would k-kiss me.

One night I even kept my eyes on him as he took off his shirt to go to sleep and had a very disturbing dream about my only friend who was sleeping next me.

It was so ridiculous! He was five years older than me and a fully grown adult. I wasn't even of age. What would he think, knowing some weedy Canadian kid had some kind of messed up crush on him and would often have to try and convince himself that he wasn't totally pining for him like some pervert.

Besides, there was nothing in this for him.

All I wanted was the attention.

So if my crush was romantic like I was scared of... It would be a pretty selfish one.

**x++x**

I was trying to catch up with Gilbert, but he seemed to be walking so fast,

"Come on!" He turned around to bark at me, "We do not have the whole night!"

"You made me carry your bag!" I protested, "It's heavy!"

I heard a loud, melodramatic sigh and then I could see his figure advance back towards me,

"You should be very happy I let you come with me! You should be rejoicing at the honour of carrying my bag!"

"But it weighs like a ton!" I handed it to him by the strap.

"I am letting you cramp my style you owe me this!"

"What do you even have in there?" I stretched out now that I didn't have that burden with me.

"Paint!" We walked together; he carried his black satchel like it was nothing.

"And..? What else? Paint doesn't weigh that much."

He shrugged, "Two bricks... And a carton of milk... But that is all!" He grinned.

"Why do you have that?!" I had just been lugging two bricks down the street for ten minutes, which was why I felt like gravity had been turned up while I had that bag! It actually made me a little mad that he expected me to carry that bag of his all the way to the wall.

"In case I get thirsty!" Gilbert looked at me and tapped his nose knowingly, "I will let you in on this because I do not tell everyone," He lowered his voice a little; "I have discovered that milk is a great source of calcium."

"Eh?" I just looked at him for a moment. Oh! He was talking about the carton of milk, "No, I meant the bricks!"

"Calcium will make my teeth and bones get strong, yes?"

"Y-Yes, but I'm talking about the bricks..."

"Calcium is cool, like me, you should try it. Or just try me." He winked.

Oh goodness did that shock me. Over the past week Gilbert sometimes threw these little flirty lines at me. I didn't know want to think. I half wanted him to continue and let me flirt back and half wanted him to shut up forever.

After days of pestering him, Gilbert had finally let me come along with him to one of his trips out at night to the Berlin wall, the site of our meeting. He refused at first because I was gonna make him look bad of anyone saw us, which I told him was totally stupid but the guy was just way too stubborn...

Eventually he got bored of me giving him the silent treatment and I was allowed to come along so here we were, he was talking to me about 'trying him' and making my chest feel heavy and I was having trouble getting him to stop talking about milk.

"I just want to know why you have bricks..."

"Oh! Them!" He laughed as if I hadn't been trying to get him to talk about him while he talked on about milk, "If I get the height wrong and need to reach up to finish something the bricks can be stood on! It is genius!"

"Can't you just leave them there?"

"No." He said and left it at that, offering no explanation as to why he felt it was needed to carry those bricks around every day.

We continued on for a while in silence, I often snuck glances at him and saw him just looking straight ahead, the corners of his mouth curled up naturally and his asymmetrically pierced eyebrows sharp and pointing downwards. His nose was small and pointed up and his eyes narrow but with unusually long white eyelashes on the top and bottom lids.

He was scarily pretty for big headed homeless guy.

"Gilbert?" I asked quietly, out of the blue.

"_Ja_?" He directed his eyes towards me, his head turning just slightly so he could see as my eyes danced away from the intimidating aurora of his.

"Why do you paint so much?" It was a question that had been on my mind for some time now.

He shrugged, "I got to do it to make my money! I am super good at it."

"But that's not the only reason..." I probed deeper, "You're always doing it like you are right now, and you're not getting paid for this."

He sighed again and rolled his eyes, taking a few steps in front of me and turning around so we were facing one another and he was walking backwards.

"Jeeze, it is fun, okay? You act like I need a big reason that will make you cry, but it is just fun! I like art; I do not need to be an emo!"

"Well I was just-" I began but never finished,

"Everyone needs a sob story these days, it is just sad..." He shook his head and that's when I noticed the large pothole that was right in his path.

"Ahh... Gilbert..."

"And do not act like I am 'suppressing my feelings' that is the biggest bullshit in the whole wide world!"

"No! It's the...!" I was too late.

With a startled expression and a loud yelp, Gilbert was sent down to the sidewalk. His foot caught the edge of the pothole and he fell back onto his butt and elbows.

He looked at me with a 'would you believe this?' expression for a moment before releasing a long, "Owwwwwwww!"

"It's the pothole..." I finished the sentence that I was just too late with.

He rubbed his elbow and I noticed he had torn a hole in the fabric of his sweater. He touched the graze that he had gotten and winced at the sting.

He looked back up at me, "What the hell!? Why did you not say I was going to fall over!?"

"I tried!" I crossed my arms, "You just kept on butting in so I didn't get to say!"

"You could have still warned me!"

"You shouldn't have tried to walk backwards on a potholed street!"

He kept his glare focused on me for a second before starting to laugh.

I watched him in surprise and confusion but Gilbert's laugh was contagious... Like, really contagious. The moment I let out my first giggle I couldn't just watch any longer, I started to laugh with him,

I have no idea why, but after thirty seconds I was leaning against a tree, shaking with laughter. It wasn't even funny. Neither of us could stop laughing.

Eventually the giggles subsided and I held out a hand, "Come on, Gil'~"

He took it and he got to his feet, dusting off his clothes from his accident, "Gil'?"

I blushed lightly, I didn't even realise that I had shortened his name, "I can call you Gil', right?"

He smiled at me and nodded, "Like that thing on fish. Awesome."

"Can I see one of your paintings someday?" I asked as we set off again.

"You mean the ones I do for my work? They are not my favourite way to paint..."

"Well, yes, I know... But you always seem to get so much money for them..."

He laughed, "15 euro."

"More than I could make from art! I just want to see one. I've never seen one."

"Whatever, if you are that desperate," He unzipped his satchel and rummaged around, "I did this one today; it will not sell so you can have it."

He brought out a poster board and I took it from him like I was holding delicate crystal.

I stopped to take a look at it and found myself glued to the spot, mesmerised by the art that I had been given.

I didn't know it was possible to create something from spray paints that could be so beautifully intricate and vibrant. The colours were all so distinct and yet faded into each other so perfectly that you never wanted to finish looking at it. I glanced up at Gilbert; he was walking ahead of me. He had just fallen into a freaking pothole and now just moments later I was staring at something with so much detail and care put into it you wonder how you would ever have the time to study all of it.

It featured a beautiful mountain range that was topped with snow and bathed in pink, orange, red and purple lights, the tree and forestry that surrounded the lower parts of the mountain went from spring green to a deeper green to even blue and it all worked so perfectly, the ridges on the mountains were visible in pure white so that they seemed to shine through the warmth of the paint.

Though the scenery behind the mountains and trees was what struck me as the most amazing. Half the picture was a night sky in indigo navy and black as well as some warmth of pink and yellow that somehow just worked. Several planets hung from the sky with so much texture to them I felt like I could reach out and touch them. Each one was different in colour and size but made an ensemble of wonder when placed where they were. The moon was small in the corner in the picture but even it demanded to be looked at and treasured. There were spatters of white all over the sky looked like perfect white stars dotted wherever there was space but avoided the planets and mountains, they were left to their perfect shape in contrast to the random placement of the stars.

There was a small signature in the bottom corner that must have been Gilbert's. I imagined the Gilbert that I had come to know adding that to the bottom of his work right before spraying gloss over it to seal its beauty forever and found myself smiling, if really was a funny thought. Reckless Gilbert creating something so perfect.

Just as that though passed through my mind the artist himself called me over, "Stop just standing! You are taking forever, we are at the wall!"

I started to run; holding the painting to my chest like it had to be protected at all costs as I sprinted over,

"Gilbert!" I said, exhilarated as I panted for air.

"I thought it was Gil' now?" He asked as he pulled me around a corner, we were now at the very place that we had met but I wasn't thinking of that right now.

"Gilbert! Gil'! It's so good!"

"What is?" He asked setting down his bag and looking through it.

"This!" I exclaimed and held out the painting and forced him to look at his own creation.

"Oh yes, I am great at painting those~" He grinned, "Probably the best in Berlin. Or maybe the world."

I was usually opposed to Gilbert sounding his own horn like he did a lot but this time I had no objections, actually, I agreed.

"You are! Gosh, it's so perfect! The colour and the little details... I love it!"

He laughed, not used to seeing me agree, "Yes it is good, but I do not know what I was thinking wasting paint on it- it was not fun and no one was going to buy it."

"Why wouldn't they? It's a masterpiece..."

He rolled his eyes, "No, it is not even my best work and of course tourists want their souvenirs to remind them of the city and this is just some mountains, I make money from the ones I paint of Berlin."

I could kinda see where Gilbert was coming from but as I felt the art in my hands I couldn't help but wonder why on earth people would pass up the chance to own this.

"I would buy it." I assured him, "I'd spend one hundred dollars on it!"

He patted my head and looked down at me. I half regretted what I had just said, I probably sounded like such a kid and as he ruffled my hair I could really feel the five year age difference between us.

"So-" I was about to apologise for going over the top but he spoke first.

"Keep it if you want." He winked, "For free."

I blinked a few times, trying to figure out if he was joking but he didn't seem to be.

"No kidding?" I asked, almost afraid that I misunderstood.

"No kidding! It took me five minutes to make so it is fine."

"Thank you..." I had to say, I was touched. It made me feel warm.

"Not a problem, now move away from the wall." He pulled a red piece of cloth from his pocket and tied it around his nose and mouth, "There will be fumes and you have no mask."

"Right! Yes! Sorry..." I stepped away he started to paint over the already covered wall that was now completely immersed in street art tags and pictures from other artists but none of that would compare to Gilbert's, that was a fact.

I watched him from the bench I first met him on and remembered that he was painting when I first sat here and wondered if I should go home. He was doing something just like I was watching and completely ignored it. How the heck did I do that?

I sat there for at least an hour but I was never bored. It was entertaining as much as it was hypnotising to watch him. Each stroke of paint from the can was bold and held no hesitation, no fear of mistakes. Watching him, I slowly realised how the Gilbert that I knew could create something of kin to the piece that he gave to me. It was his confidence, the cocky attitude and the 'I know what I'm doing' air about him that meant he could just let himself and not hold back in fear that putting a stroke or a dot somewhere would ruin everything. He knew he was good and so could trust his instinct.

I went up to him again as we both admired his first picture. A laughing girl with shining eyes and crazy hair that that was random streaks of what ever colors came to hand.

"Who is she?" I asked, startling him as I looked up at the happy girl.

"No fucking clue."Gilbert told me, lowering his mask, "But it is good, right?"

I nodded, he was right there, there was something very endearing about the girl who looked around my age and like she had nothing wrong with her life as her multi-coloured hair floated and curled around her.

"What do you like to paint?" I asked him, looking at him, it was strange how the girl could be so beautiful yet the man who created her with and aerosol can looked even more appealing as he looked up at the wall proudly.

"Anything," He pulled a face, "But no landscapes or planets, I get enough of them at work, even if they are amazing."

"Then what's your favourite?"

"I like people because the eyes I do are really awesome, or just writing my name in a cool and sexy way so all the other artists here know who is boss!"

I giggled at that, "I like drawing people too~"

He raised his eyebrows, "You draw?"

"Not very well," I said sheepishly, "I just like doing it sometimes."

"Well you would not be as good as me but you may be okay... You look like you would be quite good!"

I smiled lightly, "You think so?"

He nodded, "And I could maybe paint you one day..." Suddenly he reached out and put his hand his hand under my chin, tilting my face up to look right his.

Oh gosh, what was he doing? My heart was going at one thousand miles a minute and darted my eyes around before finally falling on his,

I clenched my jaw and balled my hands up into fists. His thumb was on my lower lip.

Gilbert was touching my lips.

This was far too much.

I could feel his warm breath on my face and my body was suddenly covered in Goosebumps.

"Yes..." His voice was so quiet that I felt like it was exclusively for me, "I could really paint you one day."

Was he going to kiss me?

I hoped so.

But my crush on him wasn't because I liked him.

I just needed my heart to stop pounding right now.

And for Gilbert to close in and kiss me.

I glanced at his lips and wondered how they would feel on mine.

Gilbert, kiss me.

"I think you're really good looking with your albinism!" I squeaked and ruined the moment entirely.

"What?" He drew back and I stepped back a few steps, totally embarrassed.

"Nothing! I just don't think painting me would be such a good idea..." That was true, with the world knowing on my disappearance painting me over the Berlin wall may not have been the best idea.

"Whatever. I am going to do one more and then we will head back again."

"Okay..." I backed off a little and went to my bench, too embarrassed by what I said to him to admit that I was getting sleepy and wanted to head back now.

I fell asleep halfway through Gilberts second painting, he was blocking the view so I couldn't watch, lying on the bench I curled up and fell asleep watching him paint.

The next morning I was half surprised to find myself in my sleeping bag back at Gilbert's empty store unit. I was in my underwear so I wasn't uncomfortable in my clothes and I could see the painting he gave me against the wall just a few minutes ago.

I started to think of Gilbert's irritation as he found me sleeping and then resolving to pick me and my picture from him up and carrying us in his arms back here. I smiled as I realised that he had to undress me and tuck me into bed, caring for me as I was defenceless.

I thought about all this as I bashfully put my hands over my face and giggled like a fourteen year old girl and told myself one more, my crush on Gilbert was not a romantic one.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thank you for reading! Please review!_

**Five.**

My crush on Gilbert had turned into something romantic.

It dawned on me one day as I woke up late and found a note from him beside my breakfast after he had already left for work.

I read the note over and over, I could recite it now, it said 'I left but you were still sleep so here is food! Have an awesome time' and then there was a winking smiley face.

There was nothing extraordinary about it, it was just a note from the guy who got me breakfast, it wasn't trying to be cute or make me curl up and hold it to my chest, gripping it so hard me knuckles went white but it was cute and I did do that. His hand writing was loopy and not at all what I expected and it was written on a yellow post-it note that I'd seen him use for reminders.

It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

And that's when it hit me, I really liked him.

I _like_ liked him. The 'I wish you would look at me in a way that makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters' like.

But I didn't doubt that I had absolutely no chance with him, I was some quiet four-eyes who just leeched off him and although the limited food had slimmed me a little, I was chubby when put next to his lean but strong athletic body. I was seventeen. He was twenty-two. I wore the most unfashionable glasses because my mom wanted the cheap ones and my clothes were always so big that any of my better assets were covered under heaps of grubby fabric.

I wasn't desirable like he was. And I would just have to accept that. I bet there were loads of people who liked Gilbert like I did, or at least liked the look of him, he was probably straight anyway. I had no chance.

It didn't come as a big surprise that I had a romantic crush on Gilbert, I had always known that I liked boys as well as girls and if I was going to fall for any boy, the good looking one who was endearingly cocky and somehow charming was kinda the obvious choice.

And there was plenty times where I doubted myself when I tried to tell myself that I had a crush on Gilbert only because I envied his free uncaring lifestyle.

Like the time last week when he was drunk, like he always is on a Saturday night and blew a kiss at me and I melted.

He almost made out with me too, I was backed up against the wall and it looked like he was leaning in but then burped and fell about laughing. That night was sorta disappointing and stressful.

In my quieter moments alone I also felt terrible. I wanted Gilbert, all of him but gave nothing back to him. Our whole relationship was built on my lies, that I was a tourist who needed somewhere to stay during my trip to Berlin. Not a runaway who came here because I wanted to get off the train and this was the next stop, not that I was all over the papers and news, he was just too oblivious to modern news to notice, not that I came here to get attention and the only reason I was here was because I got it from him and had lost interest in getting it from the family and the whole freaking world media, more time had passed, it was almost a month since we had started living together now and though I wasn't big news anymore I still had to keep my head down. I was just relieved that Gilbert hadn't noticed anything.

I curled up on his mattress, having another period of self-loathing, smelling him on his blanket and loving it but hating that I loved it at the same time. And eating a packet of cookies that I bought as a treat for myself on the promise that I would never spend five Euros on such an unnecessary purchase again.

There was noise behind me and I turned to see Gilbert entering, dumping down his bag,

"Why are you on my bed?" He looked at me like I was doing something completely absurd.

"Napping," I lied, "It's more comfortable here."

"Oh, well move over." He advanced over to me and I sat up, patting down my hair as he lowered himself down next to me and smiled.

"You're home late..." It was already getting dark outside and he was usually back long before sunset.

"I had some old guy as a customer; he was like forty and kept on bothering me."

"I hope you were nice to him..." I always felt personally guilty when Gilbert was rude to his customers for 'bothering' him.

"No way!" He looked incredulous, "He was fucking rude and a skeeze! He kept trying to fight me over my prices and acting like my paintings were crap! He was not even a tourist so I just packed up and left halfway through our conversation and left! Epic exit, right?"

"You'll get a bad reputation, Gil'." I warned for the third time that week.

He looked offended, "But he called me such un-awesome names! He was a dipshit business guy who looked at me like I was so below him."

"Sorry, but you gotta deal with these things or you just don't look good in front of people who were thinking of buying something."

He scowled, "You think I am below you too? That I should have to deal with that?"

That put me in my place as I remembered that Gilbert had to live with all this while I just had to go home if I didn't want it. I was privileged and Gilbert was considered scum of the earth.

"Sorry, I didn't mean that."

"Good."

There was a long pause and I just looked at the same spot, worried that I had been the one to make the situation so awkward.

"Do you want to know what I got today?" He said suddenly and stood up, smiling again. Thank goodness.

I nodded quickly, "Yeah, sure!" I was just happy that his bad mood lasted, though his sulking never did last longer than ten minutes.

He nodded to his bag, "It is in there, I will need a flashlight." He pulled himself up through the hole in the roof and I crawled over to his satchel.

Unzipping it, I wasn't sure what I was going to find in there, but if I expected one thing I would not have been the dusty box of scrabble that was now before me.

A board game? That was sort of odd. I looked back at Gilbert who had just come back down from the ceiling with a flashlight.

"Are you serious?" I asked him, pulling the box out.

He frowned, "Ah... Haha, yes? Come on! I saw it and I knew we would have lots of fun! But you won't win~"

I thinned my lips at that last comment, "Oh really? You're sure about that last part?"

He nodded so vigorously his hair flopped up and down and I had to look away- it was too cute, "Yes!" He said confidently, "I am amazing with my words!"

I giggled, "Gil', you couldn't remember what the word for a poodle was so you called it a 'pubic horse'"

He laughed, "See? That was me being excellent!"

"You aren't gonna win this...~" I broke it to him.

"Take off the lid!" He demanded and grabbed the box, "Let us get the party started!"

I unfolded the board and he poured the lettered tiles everywhere,

"I do not want the ones that have an X." He told me and before I knew it he was flicking all the X tiles away across the floor, one took off and hit me in the face.

"Gilbert! Stop it! We'll be finding them everywhere for weeks!" I started to sweep the pile of tiles towards me before he could do any more damage.

"There are no good words with X!"

"Yes there are..." I reached over to retrieve a few X tiles.

He raised an eyebrow leaning back onto his elbows, "Like?"

"Ah..." I quickly thought, "Xylophone! Extra... Xe... Xi... Well anything with E-X!"

He blew out air slowly, "Fuck that, I am getting a smoke, you finish this, _ja_?

I smiled as he stood up, "_Ja._"

He grabbed his box of cigarettes and walked outside into the almost darkness as I turned over the tiles and turned on the flash light, angling it.

"Hey, Mattie!" He called.

"Hm?"

"Come and help your old friend Gilbert~!"

I looked over and he waved his old lighter at me again,

"You can't get it to light?" I asked, already knowing the story with this.

"It will not light." He confirmed.

I sighed, making my way over, "Hold it out."

He did and I cupped my hands around it, lighting it just how I did when we first met.

"_Dankeeee_!" He grinned and lit his cigarette on the flame we made together.

Our hands brushed each other and my stomach flipped as I felt his soft, smooth skin for just a second before jerking away.

"I'm done, ready where you are!" I squeaked and threw the lighter at him, heading back to sit down.

I sat still, staring the empty board and waited for him. He didn't hurry; Gilbert wasn't someone who hurried for anyone or anything that wasn't himself.

It took him around five minutes to flick away the cigarette and stamp it out, coming back to sit down and stinking of smoke.

He grabbed his bag before we started, "I am having a beer, do you want a can?" He pulled out one of his cheap beers and cracked it open.

"No... Thank you." I smiled and waited as he took his sweet time taking a long sip.

He burped, "Are we ready here?"

"Yup! Pick your tiles!" I started to pick some of the overturned tiles that I had shuffled.

"I better not get an X..." He warned as he did I as I did.

The letters I got were E, P, S, S, O, R and D. I made sure he wasn't peeking as I lined them up in alphabetical order, but he was still choosing his trying to see what was on the other side by screwing up his eyes and thinking hard.

Gilbert was kinda a competitive guy.

Once he had finally picked his seven he sat back and assessed them and nodded, concentrating on his vocabulary and exhausting his knowledge of the English language.

"Are you done?" I asked after a while as he sat back up and stopped biting his lip (I was glad he stopped that, he stretched out his lip piercing holes and it was pretty gross).

"Yes! I shall go first!" He reached for one of his tiles before I stopped him,

"Wait! We have to decide that by the rules!"

"I am following the rules; the hottest player in the room goes first!"

"That isn't the rules!"

"It is in the German version! You must be used to a different way."

I shook my head quickly, "That won't be true!"

He leaned over the board with a grin and with one large, white hand patted my cheek twice, "Let us just compromise, okay, sunshine?"

I sunk down a little, after living with Gilbert for almost a month it had become too easy to forget that he was actually a really intimidating guy who had nothing to stop him from acting scary enough to make you poop your pants. He was just so big and could be so looming.

And he wanted to get his way,

"Okay."

"Good!" He picked his tile and put it onto the board, "G!" He said as if I couldn't see the square, "Because it is like my name!"

"Now it's my turn..." I tried to sound thoughtful but I really just wanted to make sure that by his rules I could take my turn now.

"Go!" He told me, confirming that I was my shot.

I put down an E under his G and he smiled, obviously that was a letter that was good for him.

We carried on playing by torch light.

**x++x**

"I'm telling you; 'Awesome' has two Es in it!" I insisted as Gilbert sat, half drunk across from me, his arms folded and swaying slightly.

"It does not! I win!" He spoke louder that he needed to, slurring his words and knocking over three of his five now empty beer cans.

"We only just started!" I reminded him, this was our second game, I had won the first one because he was too drunk to remember any English and even though I let him use some German he was too tipsy to remember most of that, "Spell 'awesome'." I challenged.

He gave me a confident smirk. I did like that smile, even when it was interrupted by his drunken hiccups, "A..."

"Good start..." I told him encouragingly.

"I am not done!" He said loudly and held up his hand, "A...W...S...T...U, V..."

"Gil'," I stopped him, "That's kinda just the alphabet..."

He lay back before rolling onto his chest and looked up at me, "You are not my boss." He told me as seriously as he could manage.

I gave a small laugh and rolled onto my chest to face him, "Of course I'm not, dear."

I could call him dear tonight; he was drunk right now so he wouldn't remember it, right?

"You do not know me! You do not know anything!" He told me and closed his eyes, though he wasn't sleeping.

"Oh, Gil'" I murmured, crossing my arms and leaning my chin on them, "I do love you..." He was just too sweet like this.

"You... You are dumb." He was obviously having trouble understanding me. That's why I was saying this; if he was too drunk to get what I was saying then I could let it all out to him.

"I know..." I said quietly, "I'm surprised you're still able to speak English, I'm impressed." I touched his nose and he opened his eyes to try and look at my finger, "Boop."

"I want another drink..." He leaned his head to the side and sighed.

"Too bad." I gave his cheeks and light squeeze before sitting up again, "You've had too much already."

"I am having another beer!" He shouted and tried to roll over to his bag but got stuck on his back and sort of lay there... Kinda like a turtle and started to whine.

I moved over to him and leaned over his face, "Having a little trouble, eh?"

He blew his breath out at me, it reeked of alcohol and smoke but I didn't mind.

"You have pretty eyes..." He laughed, "Purple. Almost as pretty as mine."

"Well... They're technically a shade of blue..." I pulled away from him, pushing up my glassed, "A-And you almost sounded sober there, aha... ha..." He was really certainly definitely drunk, right? Right?

"Give! Me! Another beer!" He shouted like a cheerleader.

He was drunk.

"There isn't even any left..." I put my head on my shoulder.

"Wh...What?" He suddenly looked really sad.

"None!" This was actually a lie, but if he drank anymore I was scared he might puke, "They're all gone."

"Noo-oo-ooo! _Nein_!" He howled and put his hands over his face, he sobbed but there were no tears.

It was time to put him to bed.

He was heavy. Way too heavy to lift, I would never get him up onto his mattress like this.

He was also wriggling around like a half dead fish and singing a song in German,

"_Nein mann..._" he sang to me, "_Ich will noch nicht geht...!_"

I tried to roll him, getting him face down but the top of the mattress was still just too high! As much as I heaved he just wouldn't budge! And what was worse, he started to snore and I realised he had fallen into a deep sleep.

"Gil'...?" I pushed at the slump on the floor, "Gilbert!" I called his name, "Please don't do this now..." It was useless, he was sleeping.

I could have just left him there but when I fell asleep on the bench when he was painting that time he carried me all the way home and even tucked me into bed. I couldn't just leave him, his face all smushed into the hard floor and stuff.

"Dammit..." My voice was strained as I grasped his side and tried to roll him once again onto his bed, but once again, I failed.

Why was he so heavy!? I got his legs up, but the body above his torso weighed a ton! I pulled at his arm but it kinda worried me that before I got him off the ground I would rip his arm off so I stopped.

I thought I would be thankful for this, it was my big opportunity to seriously touch Gilbert's skin but it was kinda ruined by the fact that I was kicking the wall in frustration about half an hour later. It was getting late and I was so freaking tired I just wanted to get him into his bed!

He would just have to sleep in mine.

There was just no way I was gonna get his heavy butt anywhere that was over two millimetres high, the sleeping bag could just go right around him. I smiled and giggled, he'd be like a burrito.

But first I'd have to undress him.

I bit my lip, I hadn't thought this far, but his clothes were probably gonna get warm and uncomfortable like that... He usually just slept in his boxers anyway. And he did this for me, so I was just returning the favour by taking off the clothes of the guy who I had a humungous crush on.

That's what I told myself as my hands tentatively gripped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up. I pretended that I couldn't feel my mouth go dry as his lean back was exposed and I pulled his black shirt higher, flinching when I touched his skin by accident. It was some feat that I actually got it over his head and pulled it off without freaking out and stopping.

And that's when I noticed the huge tattoo on his back.

I had never seen his bare back before, and he had certainly never mentioned the large griffin that spread its wings and let the black ink of its body, feathers and claws look like a magnificent contrast to his white skin that was almost flawless. I checked that he was definitely asleep before tracing over some of the intricate lines, so smooth and bold, with my finger tips. There was really a lot of beauty to Gilbert.

Next were his pants. He had a belt on so I would have to get him onto his back, with some heaving a rolled him onto his back and swallowed as I looked at him.

This was the next big surprise, the long jagged scar that marked his torso, running right over his side and to the lower part of his white back. It was an angry colour and look like it had almost cut him in half. There was so much that I didn't know about this man and looking at him, I was scared of that. I wouldn't mention that I had seen his scar, he might realise the next day that I undressed him and he might get mad but I wouldn't bring it up... There was probably a reason why he kept it hidden.

I unbuckled his belt and pulled it out, putting it aside. I was almost afraid of what I'd find under his pants.

As I pulled his jeans down to his knees I realised that though there was nothing amiss down here I had gotten him mostly naked now, and that scared me the most.

I pushed all his clothes to the side and sat back, now gazing at the body in front of me that was only clad in blue boxers that sat on his hips just right to give a tease of what was under them and my eyes drank in the treasure trail that pointed down to his crotch.

I fumbled as I wrapped him up in the sleeping bag and didn't wait any longer to undress myself and turn out the lights, rolling up in his blankets on his bed I just hoped he wouldn't remember this tomorrow...


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thank you for reading! I'm loving the reviews!_

**Six.**

And he didn't remember a thing.

For once, I was the first to wake up. I didn't know the time but the sun was getting high in the sky so I assumed that it was late morning.

I felt so refreshed, maybe it was because I had the softness of the mattress instead of only the thin padding of my sleeping bag or that I had been heaving Gilbert around to tire me out the night before, but either way, it was kinda fun to wake up without some sort of back pain or a sense of fatigue from sleeping badly, I hoped I'd get that more often.

I tried to rub my eyes and found that my glasses were still on my face. I must have just forgotten to take them off while I was fumbling around last night and getting all flustered.

I glanced over at Gilbert, obviously he had been kicking and rolling around in his sleep because the burrito I had made was totally ruined and only his knees and down were covered by the sleeping bag was just mostly sprawled over the floor. He was snoring loudly and he seemed to take up as much of the space he had as he could. He was so cute...

The scar that I had found yesterday was covered by one of his arms, the one he draped over himself, the other arm reached across the floor to look like he was stretching until his hand that was relaxed, his palm up and fingers curled.

I felt like I should go get breakfast... He always did it for me, making sure he got enough bread for us both and that he got it without raisins because he knew I hated raisins in bread. Maybe I should do the same for him... But it just seemed weird. This was the first time in about a month that I had woken up before him and now I just didn't know what to do.

But I didn't have to wait long, just as I was about to get up to at least put my clothes Gilbert stirred,

"Gil'!" I said excitedly, "Good morning!"

"Do not speak!" Were his first words as he blinked awake, his voice was croaky and his already red eyes seemed worse than usual, "What fucking year is it...?" He looked around, "And why the fuck am I in your bed?"

"Um... Well..." I knew he'd be mad, I busied myself by reaching for my scattered clothes, I was starting to feel exposed like this, "You were drunk and fell asleep, I tried to get you into bed but you really wouldn't shift! I made you a burrito and stuff with the sleeping bag though... I didn't just... Leave you there."

"Drunk?" He rubbed his face with both hands, "That is why then..."

"E-Explains what?" He looked positively dreadful.

"My hangover, _dumkopf_!"

"Oh..." That _did_ make sense.

He flashed me a look. It was his apology for calling me a stupid head. Gilbert didn't do apologies, but over the past month I had sorta learned his look of remorse. I smiled when he caught my eye, showing that I understood and he cleared his throat,

"Jesus... I am too cool to feel so shitty... I never get hangovers! What is with me?!" He was clearly frustrated and with a good reason. He would never get any work done when he looked and felt like that, and Gilbert

"You did drink more than usual..."

He gave a resigned sigh, "Just give me another one. The best way to stop a hangover is getting drunk again."

"No!" I said a little too loudly, making him wince and me slap my hands over my mouth, not meaning to hurt him, "No..." I repeated, this time softly, "Don't you have any aspirins or painkillers?"

He shook his head, "I am a homeless man, Mattie."

"So?"

"I get beers and cigarettes like most homeless men, not whole foods and medication. You think I can afford that?"

"Well... You have meth and pot in case of a junkie coming over and getting crazy on you, why not an aspirin?"

His eyes widened slightly at that, "Fuck, yes, that is a good idea, Mattie get me the weed I need a joint.

"Gil', no!" I stood up, my clothes now on, "If it's that bad than just rest up if you can't do anything else for it."

"But I have work..." He whined, "I cannot deprive people of my skill..."

"I'll look after you," I was actually starting to really like this idea, "You can just take one day off, you'll be better by morning anyway."

He raised an eyebrow, "Yes? And who shall make money for today?"

"I'll use my money all day! You won't have to spend a cent!"

I did have most of the money I had brought with me left, surely I could afford one day of pampering Gilbert. It was becoming a really good plan in my mind too, just him and me for a whole day.

"Look..." I let him watch as I pushed his mattress across the room, sliding it over to the wall were I left it and gathered his pillow and some of his clothes from the night before which I piled up against the wall on the mattress to make a soft back rest, "Here, get on~"

He had been watching me blankly but with some mumbles he crawled over and I watched his back tattoo move on his skin as he supported himself with his arms on the way over. He sat in the seat/bed that I had created for him and I scampered over to where I left the blanket and grabbed it, rushing back with a big eager to please smile before draping it over him.

"Comfortable?" I asked, sitting back on my knees to look at him, he looked content enough.

He nodded and I almost clapped my hands in achievement before stopping myself, Gilbert wouldn't like that.

"It is fine for now." He told me; that would be all I was getting for a compliment.

"Shall I go get breakfast?"

"Sure."

"What would you like?"

"Just grab something cheap."

"But what would you like the most? Would you like some orange juice?"

"Fine, get that."

"What about food?" I persisted, "Bread again?"

"I do not care." He rolled over as I put some shoes on and found my wallet that I kept at the bottom of my sleeping bag.

"Pastry? A sandwich? I could get something hot too probably!"

He sat up and glared at me with tired eyes, "A fucking croissant if you really need to know! Just stop talking so loud!"

I put my hand over my lips, "Oh! Right, yeah... Sorry!"

He lay face down on his bed, pulling his pillow over his head to block the noise, "Mattie, _shut up._"

"Sorry!" I said again and headed out, Gilbert moaning in frustration behind me.

The first place I went to was the public bathroom. This is where Gilbert and I went every morning after breakfast and every few days to take a shower or wash a little. It wasn't perfect but it worked okay and I could freshen up there today.

It wasn't a long walk, longer than the one I took back at home when I wanted to use the bathroom but it was close enough that I didn't have to worry about it.

I kept my toothbrush tucked inside my wallet these days, so I just pulled it out once I got there and went to the basin that was in the blind spot of the security cameras. I looked around and there was no toilet cubicles locked, I was alone.

That meant I could take my hood down, I only let myself take it down here, I was also allowed to look up if there was no one here, I didn't want to be recognised, so I never wore my glasses and swept my hair back as much as I could when I was out to disguise myself as much as possible. I never spoke either, but if I really needed to I used a low French accent, I was good at those! And I never brought attention to myself.

I actually hadn't looked at my own refection in a long time. There were no mirrors at Gilbert's place and here I had to keep my head down if there were other people so they wouldn't see my reflection and notice me.

I looked; actually it was more of a squint, at me. My face had thinned over the time I spent here and I didn't look so chubby now. I put my hands on my face and felt what used to be soft and fleshy. It wasn't thin now, not like Gilberts pointed features and razor sharp cheek bones, but it was definitely less full. I looked older like this, I'm not sure if I liked it.

My hair looked darker too; I was kinda more dirty blonde now than the golden colour I used to be. That was probably something that had been going on at home too, but I looked at my reflection too much to notice... But now I could really see it was about a shade darker than when I left for Germany. Or maybe I was adapting into someone else so recognise me. That thought made me smile.

I got to brushing my teeth quickly before someone really did come in and washed my face with hand soap before putting my toothbrush back in my wallet and fixing my hair so that stupid curl I had always hanging over my face out of sight and my hair that was now getting pretty long all tucked away.

I left and next stop was the convenience store, I would buy some lunch here for us both too, we had never eaten lunch together before so I had no idea what he liked but I would make sure that I got something really great for us both! I was getting very enthusiastic about this!

I made it into the convenience store and grabbed a hand basket; I would only buy the best stuff here, I wanted Gilbert to really feel relaxed today with his hangover. I bought the fanciest orange juice and got one of the fresh croissants that were still warm, as well as a Danish for myself. Then it was time to pick lunch.

I would need to get something easy to eat and nothing that was too salt... Soup would be good, but where to find it?

I walked the isles aimlessly until a tub of something pale caught my eye. I plucked it from the cooler, it was all in German so I had no clue what it was but it looked a lot like mushroom soup... That was good, right?

I hadn't thought of how to cook it but it would all be fine, I would find a way and this seemed like the perfect lunch for a hangover.

I decided that this would do just fine and dropped into my basket, now all I had to do was get something for me.

**x++x**

"Gil' I'm home!" I arrived back with my bag, slipping my glasses onto my face again and pulling my hood down.

I was greeted with pillow thrown in my direction that I artfully dodged for my volume, even though my tone was pretty soft... He must have had it really bad.

"You do not need to tell me." He sounded like he was trying to act mad but was distracted, it was only after I put down our food I noticed what he was distracted by.

"Don't those fumes make you feel even worse?" I asked, he was sitting up in bed; he had gotten his paints and was looking down as he painted a picture of the hard floor. His t-shirt was on and pulled over his mouth and nose as he sprayed the cans at the close proximity.

He nodded and suddenly used one of the cans he was using across the room, we both winced when it hit the opposite wall with a loud crack, "I was bored."

"Why did you throw it?" I watched at the yellow paint can rolled into a corner.

"It was empty, and being lame. What is for breakfast?" He looked over to me and I grabbed the bag of what I bought.

"I bought a croissant, just like you wanted~" I smiled, "A fresh one, and orange juice."

"A croissant, huh?" He cracked a smile and I lit up in side, my eyes lighting up with the hope that I was the one who got him to smile even through his headache and hangover.

"Uhuh, I think it's still warm and everything~"

"Even though I do not like them?"

My smile dropped from my face, "What?! Y-You said you wanted one... I got what you_ asked_ for!"

He lay back, chuckling lightly, "I was trying to be sarcastic, if you looked at me while I said it you would have seen me roll my eyes~"

"B-But you knew I couldn't see that... I ... You never told me and how can you just expect me to just..."

"I find them boring; I was joking when I asked... I will have the juice though."

"Well what about lunch? I got soup..." I fumbled around for the bag and pulled out the soup, showing it to him.

He looked at it for a moment before starting to laugh, "Pffft...! Oh my God..." His body started to shake with laughter.

"What is it!? What did I do?"

"Mattie..." He wiped away tears of laughter, "This is not soup... That is sour cream and chive chip dip..." He started laughing again.

"What... Really!?"

"What do you think there are chives on the label?"

I turned the tub towards me and realised that he was right, how could I have missed that?! It was such a stupid mistake! I was so stupid.

I blinked a few times and sniffed; I could feel my lower lip quiver so I pressed my lips together,

"I can't do anything right!" He looked at me in surprise as I hit the side of his mattress in frustration and stopped laughing as he heard my voice crack. This was such a stupid thing to get all upset over but tears blurred my eyes anyway. This was the one chance I got to look after the man I had fallen for big time and I messed up everything already! He was going think that I was an idiot... I sniffed again.

"Now..." Gilbert had stopped his laughter completely, "That is not totally true."

"But it was stupid thing to do!" A tear fell and I scrubbed it away frustrated, "I don't even know why I'm crying," My voice cracked again and there was a huge lump in my throat, "I just thought I was doing so well but I'm not and now I'm just being baby..." I screwed my eyes up.

"You do not know German like I do and I never told you that I dislike croissants..." He sounded almost remorseful as he outstretched a ghostly hand to me.

I took his hand and let him pull me closer to his side, "You should have never asked for a croissant!" I told him, frustrated, as he put his arms around me.

"I know." He admitted and ruffled my hair, "I did not realise it would make you so sad..."

This was the first time I had ever seen Gilbert posses any sense of guilt... It was strange but somehow comforting, if even he thought he should be taking responsibility, then he really must have been to blame.

I pressed my face to his shirt and let tears soak the fabric, he didn't mind, in fact he pressed his mouth to my head and I could feel his lip piercings, the cool metal pressed to my temple.

We stayed like that for a few minutes as I calmed down and got to feeling relaxed and warm in his embrace, cocooned in his arms.

I swore I could feel his lips move to peck the side of my head.

"A night sky?" I asked, looking at the painting he had done on the floor, it wasn't big but looked unfinished.

"Yes." He nodded before resting his chin on my head, "A night time sky is simple so I always do one when I am bored."

"Why do you paint?" I could feel his running his fingers under my clothes and up and down the skin on my back, scratching with his nails so lightly it almost tickled. It wasn't sexual, nor romantic just an action that told me that he was totally comfortable with me. That made me happier than anything else.

"Why?" He repeated, "Because I like it."

"Yeah, but do you have a reason?" I took his palm that sat on my lap and started tracing shapes on it with my fingertips, "Like someone you're doing it for or did it get you through a hard time... Something like that."

"If that is what you mean I have no reason." His hand closed around my fingers and squeezed my hand playfully, "I just like it."

I was almost disappointed; his art was so beautiful that he was like, obliged to have some heartfelt story about why he painted or what got him to start.

"It's too good for that to be the only reason..."I whined and settled back on his chest.

"I need money, it is how I make money, is that enough of a reason?"

I shook my head, sighing, "You don't understand, it has to come from in _here_." I looked up at him as I pointed to my heart.

He snorted, "That is the queerest thing I ever heard."

"But it's true!" I smiled, it did sound a little corny, "The best artists always have a back story."

"I must be very unique," He shrugged, "What about you? You do drawings, _ja_?"

"_Ja_." I confirmed, I was surprised he remembered that.

"Then what is your reason for that?" He leaned against the wall, tilting us.

"My old art teacher," I smiled, "He always made me feel good about my drawings and taught me so many tips... He was a really good guy. The best teacher I had, he moved to Africa with his wife two years ago but I never forgot his lessons... So there, I have a reason, you should too."

"What was his name?"

"Mr. Barker."

I could feel him nodding, "My art teacher was called Frau Scholz."

"Is she your reason?" I asked hopefully.

"No, I hated the bitch."

"Why?!" I was shocked, "You're good at art..."

"Yes, my art. I am not good at those fucking bowls or fruit or flowers... They are boring and the colours do not make it appealing."

"Oh... Well do you have another artist who inspired you? Is that your reason?"

He laughed, "I tell you, I do not have a reason!"

I sighed, "But it will make your art even better..."

He changed the subject, "Do you like croissants?"

"Gil'...! Your reason!"

He sighed and we sat there for a moment, my eyes on him anticipating an answer.

"I shall think of one, or find one. Does that make you happy enough?"

I paused for a second before nodding, "Okay... And I do like croissants."

He looked at me thoughtfully, "What did you buy for your breakfast?"

"Umm... A Danish."

His eyes lit up and I could tell what he was getting at now, it looked like a switch was on its way,

"I love those..."

I smiled a little, "Me too."

"Mattie..." He put his head on my shoulder "If maybe we did a switch..."

"You wanna swap?"

"I would love you forever!" His mischievous grin was back and I giggled.

"Okay." I tried to keep reluctance from my voice.

"Really?" He sounded surprised and delighted that I agreed.

"Sure... I don't mind what I have."

He laughed happily and squeezed my around the waist, making no effort to get the bag.

It didn't look like he wanted to eat yet.

And if it meant I would get him to hug me a little longer I didn't either.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO THE NEW FALL OUT BOY SONG.  
I kid. Fall Out Boy is a wonder though.  
Enjoy the chapter, thanks as always for reading 3_

**Seven.**

"I need you to do me a favour." Gilbert told me as he finished my Danish. He didn't word it in a way that made it sound like I really had a choice so I looked at him, putting down the juice we were sharing.

"What is it?"

He pointed up and directed me to the gaping hole in the roof that lead to where all our stuff was kept, "I want you to get me something down from up there."

I looked at the rickety plank that Gilbert used to climb up there and the crumbling edges of the hole that was showing signs of rot and started to protest, "Why can't you do it!?"

He sighed and put his head in his hands to emphasise his condition, "But I am so hung-over and dying... I cannot get up..."

"And whose fault is that?" I scowled, he pouted, and I softened, "Is it really that important?"

He nodded and started fluttering his eyelashes, "Very... Pretty please, Mattie...~?"

"Hmm..." I smiled, "How pretty is that please?" I teased.

"Almost as pretty as me. You will be rewarded."

"Really? In what?"

"Coolness." He grinned, "You can be a little bit cool."

I rolled my eyes, but stood up, "Fine... How do I get up there?"

He grinned, "Great, you will do it! Just get up there how I do."

I took off my glasses putting them to one side for safety and squinted up at the heights I'd have to climb.

"I don't think I can get up that way..."

"Sure you can, you have seen me do it." He watched me patiently.

"But you're you!"

He gave a deep over exaggerated sigh, "Can you reach the plank? Grab it."

I bit my lip as I looked at the dirty old piece of wood. Where did he even get this? Also, how had it not fallen apart already?

But I had agreed to get what he wanted, I was meant to be giving Gilbert a nice day and this was probably stressing us both out. Well, maybe not so much him, but it was stressing me out and I got annoying when I was stressed. So I went up on my tiptoes and stretched up as high as I could but me fingertips still didn't even touch the wood.

"I can't reach..." I answered him and dropped my arms to my sides.

"Try running and jumping..." I could hear Gilbert getting irritated so nodded quickly though he had stopped looking at me.

I backed my way across the room until I hit the wall and trained my eyes on the bit of the plank that I wanted to grab.

I readied and after a mental countdown started to race towards it, preparing myself to leap...

I sprung up right from the knees and threw my arm up to grab the plank... When I hit the ground again.

I stumbled forward, almost crashing into Gilbert when I realised that I had totally missed.

"Careful!" He barked as he shielded himself from me falling on him.

"S-Sorry... I'll try again..." I walked back and gave it another shot.

And another.

And another.

I gave a loud huff after the third try and crossed my arms, it wasn't that high... What was I doing wrong?

"You have to jump higher..." Gilbert told me, he had gotten bored at chuckling at my failures and was now curled up in bed, "You are trying to jump forwards too much."

"You've stopped watching." I reminded him as I wiped a sheen of sweat away with my sleeve.

"I am really clever so I can tell. I am the best in Germany at telling these things."

I didn't really know what else to try so I backed to the wall again and started to run forwards again, though this time, I waited until I was closer and aimed up directly.

And grabbed the wood.

"Gilbert!" I gasped, "Gilbert! I'm up, Gil'! I'm up! Gil'!"

"Shut up!" He put his hands over his ears, "I can see you."

My hands were stinging already from gripping so hard onto the wood and I kicked my feet around,

"What now? Gil', I'm stuck... Nnn...!" I made a frightened noise and tried to find a foothold in the thin air.

"Can you flip up like I do?" He asked, rubbing his temples.

I shook my head quickly, "I'll fall!"

He sighed, "No you will not... Just pull yourself up."

"I'm too heavy..."I whimpered.

"No you are not; I am not so you will not be."

"I don't like this..." I started to push up on my arms, the plank was bending under my weight and my arms trembled at the strain and in fear as I envisioned the plank snapping.

"Relax... It has been there for a year."

I had my elbows over the edge of the wood and pulled one leg over the side so I was straddling the plank.

"I can't move..." I said mostly to myself.

"Just move..." He groaned at all the melodrama.

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it, I could do this...

I shuffled my body across and somehow my weight was supported until I could crawl onto the floor above and look around.

I didn't find what I expected- it was my idea that this place would be all dingy with cobwebs and junk everywhere but in fact this was the cleanest part of Gilbert's home.

There was a window, it faced the back of a restaurant and so shared its light, and this whole area was basked in golden glow from the restaurant next door making all his possessions seem somehow treasure like.

There was enough headroom to stand but I didn't want to, I was crouched as I looked around, the walls were covered in photographs and artwork that was obviously special to him. I got on my hands and knees and crawled to peer at one of the photos pinned to the plastered walls.

It was two boys, one was obviously Gilbert, the white hair and skin made it kinda obvious, but the grin on his face was the biggest sign, he looked around six years old in the photo but hadn't changed a whole seventeen years later. The kid next to him was no one that I knew; he looked younger with a stern face, blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He looked like he wanted to be there, but not in a photo, while Gilbert beside him looked like he had started to pose even at the sight of the camera.

I looked around the rest of the room in awe, everything was organised neatly, it looked like every single seemingly random object was given pride of place amongst the dozens of photos all over the wall, some dustier than others that documented Gilbert's life alongside the blonde boy and so many other friends.

"Yes, I know it is a junk heap up there but you need to get what I sent you up for."

"It isn't junk!" I peered over the side of the hole to him, "This place is so nice, you're rich!"

He snorted, "There is no gold up there."

"Not that kind of rich..." I wiped dust off of a picture of Gilbert around my age, "You have a rich life... Worth more than money."

"That is so gay. Just look for a small black box, I think it is under your bag."

I looked around and saw my bag, it was beside a small pile of books that when I got closer appeared to be for children, they were worn and well read I was about to pick one up when Gilbert told me to hurry.

Eventually I found his box, I was kinda mad, "You sent me up here for a tiny box?" I asked.

"It is important. Now come down."

Getting down was easier than getting down, all I had to do was close my eyes and slide myself off the edge. Landing hurt my feet a little though.

I tossed it to Gilbert who smoothly caught the empty box with one hand and sat up in bed to open it.

I sat against the wall next to him and watched him as one by one he took out his lip studs and put them safely in the box.

"Do they hurt to have?" I asked him quietly as he ran his tongue over his lip that was now free of metal.

He shook his head, "Not unless I feel like shit already like today... Then they do not feel right."

"They look sore..." I remarked and he went cross eyed, sticking out his tongue to reveal two silver balls, covered in his spit, "I didn't know you had them there!" I said in surprise as he removed them too.

"I have many," He dried his saliva from the accessories and put them in the box; "I must keep them all in a box so they do not get dirty or I will get infected and die."

He rubbed over the two tiny holes in his pink tongue, "It feels strange." He told me.

He removed every piercing though on his face, placing each one in the black box, though there were so many of them he started to feel over his face so check if he missed any.

"Is that them all?" I asked but he shook his head and reached under the covers.

"Almost..." he told me and had a look of concentration on his face as he reached down and I watched as he felt around a little and brought his hand back out with one silver ring between his fingers.

My eyes widened, "Oh my gosh, Gil'... Do you have them... Down there?" I looked at the ring which I was more than certain was a dick piercing in shock and horror.

He grinned at me, putting the ring between his teeth just to freak me out, "Yes," He laughed, putting the ring in the box, "Three. Do you want to see?" He laughed, raising his cover slightly.

"O-Of course not!" I covered my eyes though it kinda hit me that I wouldn't mind getting a look... It was just so embarrassing... And I didn't want to make things awkward...

I peeked through my fingers and saw that he was taking the others off with the same concentration as he had with the first. I cursed the fact that regretted missing the opportunity.

"They are still warm," He told me, and laughed," Feel them!" Suddenly I was assaulted as Gilberts warm dick piercing was pressed to my face with such force I was pushed back.

"Ew!" I scurried back, away from him, rubbing his ball sweat or whatever off my face and glared at him, "You are a fully grown man; you're acting like you're ten!"

He shrugged nonchalantly, "You were the one who totally wanted a sneak peek at my penis~"

I made a gagging sound though it was kinda true... "I just wanted to know what the heck inspired you to get _three_ piercings down there..." I cautiously went back over to him as he finished and closed his box, putting it aside, "It must have really hurt..."

"They all did," He nodded in agreement, "The tongue was very hard."

I winced just at the thought of getting a hole through anywhere that sensitive, "Why did you do them then? They must be such a hassle to look after too..."

"Well my little friend, there was once a time when I was young and reckless."

"You still are..." I told him.

"Thank you!"

"Not a compliment."

He carried on, not listening, "I keep them now because they look cool and tell everyone how badass I am but I would not get another..." He trailed off in thought, "I think the first tongue one was a dare... The fist dick piecing was an initiation to a gang."

I frowned, "You were in a gang...? And if they were only dares and stuff why did you go and get more in the same place!?"

Before I could go on there was a finger placed on my lips, Gilbert's.

"Do not worry," He took his hand away, "I was a young guy, and it is in the past."

I smiled a little and nodded, "But I still don't get why you went for more, you knew they hurt."

"For like a day... Do you have any?"

I laughed incredulously and shook my head, "Me? No way!"

"Do you want one? I could do one for you! I'd be great at it!"

"No thank you... Are you even qualified?"

He frowned, "Do you need to be qualified?"

I shrugged in return, "I don't know... But it's dangerous to do it with no experience!"

He wrinkled his nose, "Pffft! Looks easy, I could do it right now and I would do an awesome job!"

"Oh Gil'..." I shook my head, he really was a strange guy, and I had never met anyone like him. What's more, it was a month now and still... He held interest in me. I really liked him. I put my head on his shoulder and he messed up my hair, "Never change." I told him.

**x++x**

"Hey, Gilbert?" I asked cautiously at some point in the afternoon.

"Yes?" He had been napping up until five minutes ago.

"Can I..." I was almost nervous to ask, "Could I ever try out your spray paints?"

He sat up and looked at me, something inside me gave a little jump at his bed-head and sleepy eyes, "You want to try painting like me, huh?"

"Well..." I thought of the intricate lines and details that Gilbert put in to his work, "Maybe not quite... I just wanna try spray painting... Like a street art thing."

He smiled a little, "You can try, yes... You will not be great at it with no experience but you can have a try~"

"How's your head?" I changed the subject, remembering his hangover.

"Gone!" He said with excitement, "But it is too late to do any more work."

I nodded, "Just stay here..." I cleared my throat, "When can I use your paints then?"

"Now," He pulled off his covers and grabbed a shirt, he still wasn't dressed and only in underwear. I blushed but he wasn't looking at me... I watched him. He was pulling his pants over his really nice butt when I felt like a pervert and decided to avert my gaze to my hands on my lap and try and pretend that I didn't notice that the thoughts that rushed through my head were not totally innocent. He continued talking, "You can do one on one of these walls."

I looked around, the walls of this room were gray and mundane, and there was nothing on them at all. The only work in here was what he did on the floor this morning. I was kinda wondering why Gilbert hadn't already covered them with his work but I had never mentioned it. If he wanted to he would have already, there was a reason for it,

"What if I mess it up? It would be there forever..."

"If that happens I will just paint over it in black! It is okay if it is crap, you have not done it before."

That was somehow more reassuring than some kind of 'I know it will be perfect comment'. Gilbert's blunt attitude was something I really liked in him, it meant he was being honest, and that way I didn't have to worry as much about being a burden- if I was annoying he'd tell me. It was all cool.

"Okay... What should I paint?"

He walked over to the corner of the room; he was grabbing his black bag that had all his equipment. This was kinda exciting.

"Whatever you want. I do not care."

I thought for a moment, "How about a polar bear?"

"Do you want to draw a polar bear?" He was shaking cans to check if they had enough paint.

"They're my favourite animal so... Yeah."

"Then draw one!" He looked at me to beckon me over, "I have things to show before you start."

He took around twenty minutes to show and explain to me all of his templates and his paint nozzles, his techniques and how the colours worked with each other,

"See, if you hold the can very close to the wall you can make a thinner line," He demonstrated, "I had to learn this all myself so I am very good at it, and if you hold it upside down and spray just until the paint stops you can make a small dot!" He showed me again in the orange paint he was using, "See?"

I nodded, feeling more confident now. Gilbert was a surprisingly good teacher, "Yeah, do you care about which wall I use?"

"This one," He patted the wall that he had demonstrated his techniques on, "Since it has paint on it already."

I grinned at him determinedly, "I'll get started!" I grabbed the paint bag and moved along the wall a little for a clear space.

"Wait." Suddenly cloth covered the bottom half of my face and I yelped in surprise, before smelling the smell of spray-paint on the cloth and realising what it was, "You cannot breath in too many fumes or you will be sick and die." He told me in a way that I could feel his breath on my neck as he tied the cloth for me.

"Thank you..." I said, though my voice was muffled.

"You are welcome!" He exclaimed with his usual gusto and gave my butt a rather inappropriate pat before going to sit down.

I gave a long exhale and raised my can to the wall. That sudden intimate moment shook my up a little but I wiped my clammy hands on my pants and got started anyway.

**x++x**

I stepped back from the wall after a good two hours of concentration and took a good look, allowing my hand to drop to my sides and the muscles to relax. I wiped the sweat from my brow as I looked over what was luckily an obvious polar bear.

Gilbert was out buying dinner, he had watched me for around half an hour and then carried on with his own night sky painting on the floor, sharing paint with me.

I was proud of myself, It would have looked better on paper but for my first go at spray painting I had impressed myself.

My smile grew wider. Just wait until Gilbert saw this, he would see me do something useful for a change! He might even give me praise! I giggled, he would like it right? He would be really happy to see me doing it so well and he'd give me another one of those looks that made me feel like I was only one in his world that mattered.

I stopped myself.

This was Gilbert. He never gave compliments and I would just get reminded of how much better he was. My happiness died a small death. I could feel him nitpicking already... He was just gonna black it out, looking back up at my art I could see why. I could see all the flaws already.

"Wow..." I heard the accented voice to my left and whipped around. I had been pacing and worrying as I anxiously reminded myself of his attitude to anything that he wasn't partly to credit. He was looking at my creation, "That is really awesome for a first time..."

All the tense emotions that had suddenly started to build up deflated and I visibly relaxed, "Y-You think so?"

He nodded, getting closer, "I did not think you would be this good."

Nothing bad had come out of his mouth yet, "It took me a while..."

He turned and smiled at me, "This is really great, well done, Mattie!"

Not even praising himself.

That's when I started laughing; I couldn't stop it- it just- happened. But the relief that the guy I had really started to fall for saw what I had created and told me that I had done well just got me going and I couldn't stop.

"What are you doing?" He was watching as my happy laughing only got louder and soon he was laughing too, "You are so daft..." He wiped a tear from his eye.

"You aren't gonna black it out?" I asked when I had my breath back.

"No," He winked, as if I wasn't already giddy enough. I wanted to kiss this guy right here right now and never stop, "I will not, it is perfect."

Gilbert really was the only one who I needed attention from. Screw the press. Matthew Williams no longer wanted to be found, his cry for attention was over.

I had it all, right here in this empty store unit.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Thanks for reading!_

**Eight.**

I washed my hands in the public bathroom I was in, I didn't often leave when Gilbert was out but today I hadn't gotten a chance to use the bathroom, by now I really needed to go.

So, when the door opened and Gilbert entered beside me I got a bit of a scare, turning to him, startled.

"Mattie!" He grinned as he noticed me backing away to the wall, "Hello!" He waved.

"Gil'," I relaxed a little, he didn't seem that mad that I left all our stuff alone, "I-I was just taking a trip to the bathroom..."

"Yes, I did not expect to see you." He unzipped his pants and I pretended to fix myself in a mirror, too embarrassed to watch him.

"Sorry!" I cried, "I only left for a second!"

"What?" His confused tone echoed off the tiled walls, "What are you sorry for?"

"I shouldn't have left our stuff like that! I'll run back right now..." I turned for the door, pulling up my hood.

"Wait, hold on..." I heard Gilbert's fly zip shut and deemed it okay to look at him, "You do not need to worry about that!"

"But it might get stolen..." I watched as he washed his pale hands.

He waved his hand, uncaringly, "Everybody knows that they cannot mess with me!" He flashed me a smile and laughed, "I am too tough!"

"Still..." I cast my eyes down.

"Do not worry, I went a very long time before you got here and I have only been stolen from once and that was some beers."

"But if it happened again then it would be my responsibility..."

"No it would not, I am the homeless one."

"And I insisted that I should live with you..."

"And I said yes in the end! And now I say that you can go and leave freely and not think about it, you pay a rent, it is all okay, you do your part already with that."

"Well..." I sighed, "Thank you... But we are wasting time here."

"That is correct! Let us leave and go somewhere fun." He walked past me and out of the door, opening it for me.

I fixed myself and took off my glasses as I walked out, "Don't you have work?"

"Yes but I got bored... And since I bumped into you it must be fate that I ditch it and go somewhere cool."

Admittedly, that did sound like a nice idea, "Like what?"

"We could go anywhere! How about we take a train to _Potsdamer Platz? Oder..._Checkpoint Charlie!?"

"Well... Um..." The fact that I knew where both of these were probably meant that they were pretty popular and kinda busy, given that my face was frequenting the newspapers on a regular basis that wasn't really appealing now that I had decided I'd rather not be found.

"I have some train money we could use and I could buy us a drink at a bar!"

I stopped thinking about how to hide in such a busy place for a moment and blinked, "A drink!?"

"_Ja_!" He smiled as we wandered down the street together, "Like a few vodka shots."

"How old do you think I am?" I was a mere seventeen year old boy!

"I do not know..." He looked me up and down, "19?"

"Gilbert, I'm seventeen years old!"

He looked stunned and I suddenly regretted telling him my age, any interest he had in me was probably gone right about now. He was a a twenty-two year old man.

"That young? Oh well! You are still legal for a beer; I can give you spirits secretly!" He was getting for too excited about this, I thought it was maybe best to cut him off now before I was dragged into anything.

"Look, I'm not really into the nightlife scene..." I tiptoed around the fact that I didn't want to be seen.

"What?" His face fell and I felt a little sorry for him, "Why not?"

"I don't know... It just isn't what I like... You can go. Have fun, I'll be back at home!" I felt kinda pathetic, I wanted to be someone he could have a good time with but even if I didn't have the mass media on the lookout for me, the bright lights of the city still wouldn't have been my idea of a great night. I would have gone though, under different circumstances, I wanted Gilbert to be happy and that sounded like it would have been a good night for him. I didn't mean to make him go alone though.

"Hey!" He called before I could even make it two steps away, "What the fuck are you thinking? I do not want to go alone; I am not a loser... What else do you want to do?"

"But you sounded like you were really up for that!"

"Yeah, with you... But if you will not enjoy it then what is the point? It would not be as fun that way."

I was touched; Gilbert never had this consideration before for me, "Okay...Then where's somewhere fun but quiet?"

He stroked his chin as he thought, "We could get a hot chocolate and walk to the Spree River, which would be pretty."

I nodded quickly, "That sounds really great!"

He winked, "It is a date."

I flushed, "A date..?"

He rolled his eyes playfully, "I am joking!"

"Oh..."

"Come on," He pulled me around, "This is the way to go."

On our walk to the small cafe we talked about the most random things, we got our hot chocolates just before the cafe closed and I was still smiling for a long time after we bought them after he treated me and bought mine for me. It was the best hot drink I had ever tasted.

"You know," He said, breaking the silence that hung comfortably between us, "You surprised me, I did not know that you are only sixteen..."

"I don't look very old..." I drained my paper cup and tossed into a trash can.

"That is true." He nodded thoughtfully, "But when I was that age I was still shitting my pants when I had to go to the dentist and you are here in Berlin on your own! I was a very cute kid though!"

I giggled, "I needed an escape. It's not like I wasn't scared to come here."

"Do you want to sit down here?" Gilbert gestured to a grassy bank and dumped his bag down.

I nodded, "Sure." We both sat and he lay back so I did too, we lay there side by side for a while before he said something,

"I can see three stars." He announced, I looked with him; we gazed up into the dark sky together,

"I see five."

"No way!" He sat up to look at me, "You must be counting some twice!"

"Or you're just not seeing some..."

"No. I am always right."

"But there's clearly five... Look, I'll count again," I raised, my arm to point at each star in turn, "One, two, three, fou- Mmmph!"

A large dry hand was suddenly over my mouth as Gilbert tried to stop me from talking any more, I squirmed under him, laughing.

"Three!" He shouted, getting over me, "There are only three!"

I prised his hand off my mouth, "Four, five!" I got my words out, but my laughter made them barely recognisable.

"You are wrong! I am right!" Gilbert defended as he laughed with me.

We stayed like that, laughing at such a stupid thing until it subsided and he pulled me next him, an arm around me as we lay down again, under the five visible stars.

"Tell me about yourself." He asked suddenly.

"Right now?"

"_Ja_. I want to know."

"...There's nothing left to know, you know enough about me."

"That is not true," He looked at me, catching my blue-violet eyes with his red ones, "You are called Matthew, you are seventeen and American, that is all I know."

"I'm Canadian!"

"Same thing." He teased.

"They are not!"

"Whatever..." He laughed quietly, "Where were you born?"

"Toronto." I was afraid to give too much away about myself.

"Is that a nice place?"

"I don't really remember that much, but I think so... Yeah."

"Why do you not remember much?" He asked.

"I wasn't there long." I replied before taking a deep breath to tell him something that almost no one but my family knew, "I'm adopted."

"Oh shit, really?" He didn't sound sorry for me, just mildly surprised and interested. Anyone else who I confided that in always acted like it was the biggest thing and treated me like I could start crying over it at any second. That's why I never let people know. But Gilbert was different. It was refreshing and actually made me happy.

"Yeah, my parents died when I was a kid but luckily they had some pals who took me in and saved me from growing up in an orphanage or something." I spoke about it casually. I was glad he was casual too

"You must have a very good family, they are good to you?"

I sighed; this was the same family that drove me away, never paid attention to me, made me feel invisible, a burden, "Well... Yeah. I guess they're great." I said this with no enthusiasm behind my words. Probably because I didn't really believe what I was saying.

"You do not sound convinced... What is wrong with them?" Gilbert shifted beside me to lean over me on one elbow, it was kinda intimidating but at the same time... I really liked the fuzzy feeling that came over me as the guy who I had developed some pretty deep feelings for looked at me intently.

"It's just," I stopped myself, if I said another word here there would be no doubt that the floodgates would open and everything about my life for the past sixteen years would come out. I'd bore him, I tell him stuff about my feelings and emotions that I would feel naked after, I wouldn't be able stop myself until I was done, "Nothing." I said, "They're very kind."

"Bullshit, come on, speak to me."

...He asked for it.

"They make me feel like I'm about to vanish into thin air!" I exploded, "I'm never listened to, I don't feel like there's anything I can do to be impressive!" This was liberating.

"Go on." Gilbert said, unfazed by my outburst.

"I hate myself, Gilbert! All I want these days is attention and I feel so stupid, and unwanted, and I hate it!" I was ranting, and couldn't stop, "You remember my old art teacher I told you about? The one that I like so much? I liked him because he noticed me!"

"That cannot be the only reason."

"But it is! And I can't stand my own selfishness!" I wailed, "See, when I was adopted the couple that took me couldn't have kids... My mom, Julie, she was told that she couldn't have a baby but she and my dad really wanted one. So they got me! And treated me like I was so special, they always told me that they chose me and paid me so much attention that I was a spoiled brat!"

"And then it all went to shit?" Gilbert was listening, I would have been pretty happy with that if I wasn't having some kind of major emotional release.

"I don't wanna say that..." I picked at my nails.

"But it is true."

I nodded, "The doctors were wrong... Mom got pregnant when I was two."

"Aha!" Gilbert grinned, "I see where this is going!"

I smiled back morbidly, "The kid came around and guess what? Apparently having your own kid is so much better than adopting one and I was suddenly some spare kid that they didn't really need anymore but had by some accident of being too hasty... I was given the bare minimum of attention, grew up in my brothers shadow... I ended up a mess. By the time I was twelve my self esteem had dropped so low that I never spoke out at all and it was a downwards spiral from there. The less I spoke the less I was spoken to and the more invisible I felt, and that made me speak less."

"That is rough, but you speak to me plenty! You just say 'sorry' a lot!"

I blinked and realised that he was right, I did speak to Gilbert, all the time. And I don't think it was because I liked him, I had liked people before and they never even knew that I existed. He was just different,

"I do that because..." I started to speak without even thinking about it, "Because you make me feel kinda... Special. I mean, you give me attention every day and I don't even do anything! You talk to me and I feel like I'm there..." I blushed, realising how loved up I most likely sounded, "I have the right to exist around you."

"So you are totally in love with me?"

I stared at him, wide eyed with my mouth hanging open. How did he know, was I too obvious?! Oh my... What was he going to think of me now! I could hear my heart in my ears... Why couldn't the ground just swallow me up now?

"I..." I tried to speak.

He laughed and I cowered a little, "I am only joking! You should have seen your face!" He ruffled my hair, "Calm down!"

"Oh...!" I laughed it off, visibly relaxing, "Yeah... Right, ha!"

"So you are here to get away from your family?"

I nodded, as long as he didn't know that I had run away here without telling anyone and now the world was looking for me then I could tell him that, right?

"I needed a place to start over I guess... So I took a trip here."

"I used to dislike my parents as well." Gilbert sighed; I was glad that he hadn't asked any more questions about my reasons for being here.

I watched his face calmly, "Do you still?"

"Sort of..." He laid his arm across his forehead, "It is complicated."

"Where are they now?" I softly ran my fingertips over his elbow.

"Hey, Mattie?"

"Uhh... Yeah?"

"Do you want hear a story?" He turned his head to look at me.

"Sure... What's the story about?" I held his gaze.

"It is about a really cool guy, his cute little brother and their parents~"

I had my ideas as to who this cool guy may be already, "Tell me the story."

"Where should I start?" He ran his hand through his hair.

"Where ever you want, Gil', it's your story."

"Yes," He cleared his throat and smiled, "It is my story. This guy," he pointed to himself, "Used to be the most popular kid in school."

"I can believe that." I chuckled.

"I was a rich kid too! I had many friends at the school I went to, I got good grades and lived in this super awesome mansion with my parents and brother, seriously Mattie, I was the king and totally called the shots! So I bet you are wondering how I ended up on the street?"

"Yeah, I am." I had never asked in fear of upsetting him.

"That is when the story gets weird; my father left when I was twelve for another woman and took all his money with him. My mother lost the house we lived in and we moved to Berlin from Koln to a tiny house in the city, she was depressed after our father left and sometimes would not come out of her bedroom so Ludwig, my little bro and me would have to do stuff on our own.  
I was still a great guy! Westie -that's Ludwig's nickname- thought I was awesome and well, let us face it, I was and still am! But when I was fourteen I met some bad people who were not good for me. I was into a... What is the English word...? A gang! You know those bad teenagers who drink and smoke a lot? One of those! They are the people who made me get those piercings on my sixteenth birthday and got me to start smoking... The piercings are very cool but I did lots of bad things then and upset many people...  
I did make two friends though! They were two losers called Francis and Antonio!" He laughed, "They were fun guys and we were called the bad touch trio because we were so cool! Those two managed to turn their lives around in time... But I did not. Ludwig did not look up to me anymore and he is now a doctor, my mother killed herself and I did not sit my Abitur so I failed at school and ended up here... The only thing I was good at was the street art I did in my old gang so that is how I got my money... I do not know anyone anymore."

I listened patiently throughout the whole of Gilberts little speech and afterwards gave him a hug that he silently returned.

"Can't you find a way to get your education?" I sat back and smiled sympathetically, "It can't be too late already..."

"Ah, fuck it, there is no point." He sounded less zealous than he did usually and I actually felt my heart sink.

"Yes there is! What about those friends where are they now?!"

"You mean, 'Toni and Francis? They passed last year." He was picking at the grass and refused to look me in the face.

"Passed...?" I felt my face drain... Poor Gilbert...

"Yes. Died, kaput." He sat back and drew a finger across his throat, "Deceased."

I put a hand on his arm; he didn't react, "How?"

"It was a train crash, they were going to see a concert of a band we all liked, I was meant to be there but I blew the money I had saved for it." He looked pained and I could understand why.

"Oh Gil'..."

"Whatever, I do not want to talk about this right now!" He shrugged off my hand.

"I understand..."

There was a silence between us,

"Do not be homeless." He told me.

"Why not? You seem to not mind it."

"I do, it sucks a lot." He looked at me with a half smile.

"You always tell me your life is great!" I tried not to sound judging.

"_Ja_, but it comes with many regrets! And sometimes I do not like the way I am treated, though I try not to let it get to me... You know, I envy you, it would be better to be invisible. I want to be not seen at all rather than seen as some drugged up loser."

At some point during our conversation I had fallen in love with Gilbert Beilschmidt. This wasn't just some crush anymore, my heart was invested in him and I just wanted to talk about our lives here forever. I was filled with such an affinity that my body wasn't big enough to hold it all and I just didn't know what to do with it all. I loved all there was to him. I loved him.

"What about your brother, isn't he a doctor now? He could help!" I didn't let my feelings show. There was no way he felt the same and he was obviously not in the mood to be bombarded by my newfound feelings.

"I am not going to him for help!" He sounded offended and it took me aback a little,

"Why... Why not?"

"I am not going to Westie and live off him like I am a dead beat I am going to be a cool big brother again and not be a burden to him!"

"But he could give you a home..." I murmured.

"No, Mattie... Just..." He ran his fingers through my hair, "No."

"Then come live with me..."

"That sounds great!" He laughed, "Let us go home."

I hesitated before nodding and standing up. It was time to head back. I decided that I wasn't going to tell Gilbert know I loved him. I only really loved him because I was selfish. I had a crush on him because he gave me attention and fell in love for the same reason.

And that seemed like a pretty self centred and cruel way to think of a man with such a past.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N:Oh happy days, it's already the ninth chapter! We're gonna get interesting now... Thanks for reading this far_

**Nine.**

It was shocking how quickly my illusion of happiness came crashing down.

On the last day of my naivety I woke as usual, Gilbert and I talked over a late breakfast and he waved goodbye before he left. I smiled and laughed at what he said and the jokes he cracked and the warmth in my chest spread so much that it tingled and I felt like I was being given so much attention that my heart might burst with love for him.

He told me he'd be back as normal and waved goodbye with a cigarette between his lips.

The day went on; I found ways to keep busy, as usual until lunch and with my hood up and head down bought a Sudoku puzzle book and a nice new pen to keep me entertained for the afternoon.

I had long abandoned the concept of time, I knew what a day was but I never knew the hour, though it must have been around four in the afternoon when I curled up and decided there would be no harm in taking a short cat nap before Gilbert got back and started making too much noise.

I thought I'd wake up peacefully not long before his return and offer to pitch some money in so we could get a cheap takeaway pizza for dinner. But that is when my life tore into two parts.

I dreamt of a beach that day, during my nap. It wasn't a good dream or a bad one, just a rather uninteresting one. My dreams had never been that exciting; I tried keeping a dream journal back in my first year of middle school but got bored after a week. In this particular dream I was trying to eat an ice cream but a dog kept trying to lick it. It was pretty boring, quiet, until the dog suddenly shouted,

"WAKE THE FUCK UP!"

Then I realised that I had woken up.

"Eh..?" I scrambled out from the warm cocoon of Gilbert's old blanket and through blurry eyes searched the room for him, finally pinpointing his location to the doorway, "Gil'?" My voice was hoarse and suddenly shaken as I noticed his appearance.

His teeth were bared, eyes lit like hot coals with anger and his stance one of someone ready to punch another guys lights out. He was mad.

And clenched in one balled fist was a newspaper.

"MATTHEW WILLIAMS!" His voice was roar. He knew my last name. This was over, "What the fuck is this about!?"

The crumpled newspaper was launched in my direction and hit me square in the chest, landing on my lat and unfurling to show...

No...

No, no, no!

That was me, my worst fear, my smiling face in a grainy photo on the very front page.

The headline blared at me in German, but I had a gut feeling that even if it was in the bluntest English; I would still find it incomprehensible. I couldn't read it, my eyes darted around too much, I felt nauseous, my breathing was too loud in my ears and my throat was dry in a way that I felt that I might puke at any second. And I didn't know the language.

"Gilbert..." I choked, my hand unconsciously moving to the thin paper to crumple it, "This isn't what it looks like! I..." I didn't know what to say, whatever that big black print said it had made him mad, no- furious, and there was no way for me to really explain myself.

"Do you know what this says?" His voice dropped to a cold calm, I looked at the floor, "Well!?" He interrogated me further before, if in the chance I wanted to answer, could say a word.

"N-No..." I wringed my hands, they were still warm from sleeping on and I could feel my hair start to settle into a bed-head mess. I had just got over my small stutter when talking to the intimidating Gilbert, but it was back with a vengeance, I could barely get the words out of my mouth. His dark, ominous, terrifying, raging figure was pushing them all down so any explanation could only swirl in the pit of my stomach.

"I will tell you what this fucking says..." He hissed and sized the paper, I let go of it as soon as he aimed for it like it had caught fire, and really I was terrified of what would happen if I was still gripping it by the time his hands reached mine. I was accustomed to his more gentle touches and soft poking at me so much that his snatching up of the newspaper was almost enough to set me off into a panic attack.

"Okay." My nervous voice was so high and quiet so I don't know if he heard me, I just wanted to say something to make sure I still my voice could still make a sound.

"It says here, 'Recent findings show the kidnappers of Matthew Williams are still in Europe'." I had never heard a newspaper headline spoken so spitefully and given that it confirmed my worst fear, Gilbert now knew I wasn't meant to be here, it gave me chills down my spine and pains in my chest, he continued, "Why are all the papers saying you have been kidnapped?!"

Kidnapped!? It only just hit me that people thought I had been kidnapped and, if it was possible, all the horror I felt got worse.

There was no question about it, I was about to tell the man who I had fallen in love with the sick truth and the messed up reasons why he clutched and news article with my life-sized face on it.

"Please- I didn't mean to hurt you! I ran away! I couldn't take it at home anymore!" I wanted to grab, him, make him listen to reason, but I was shaking too much and I was unintentionally cowering back into the corner.

"You what!?" He seemed half angry, half startled but I was still flustered and panicked all the same from the sudden turn of events all the same, "You told me you were here on a trip away! You told me your parents agreed!" He sounded so accusing and it hurt.

"Well they don't!" My voice cracked and I clenched my jaw, "I did this so people would be forced to pay attention to me!"

My last few shrill words hung in the air as he just looked at me, but it wasn't affectionately, like I was used to. If I had to name the look in his eyes it would be...

Disgust. Disappointment. His dad left. His mother killed herself. I had abandoned my family. I was ugly to him.

Say something, I thought. Nothing was worse than this tense silence that made my uneasiness so much that I broke out in a cold sweat. He could snap at any moment now and the suspense wasn't helping.

"That's so stupid..." He muttered.

"I know." I said honestly, "It was spiteful."

"That is just a lame thing to do!" He was raising his voice again and I flinched, "You got what you wanted! The whole of Europe and Canada is worried and your parents must be shitting themselves because of you!"

"I'm sorry!" But apologies weren't going to fix this.

"They think you were kidnapped! You know if they saw you with me I would be going to jail, did you want that!?"

I gasped, that had never even crossed my mind and now that it did I realised the full extent of the implications that my actions had brought.

"Oh my gosh..." I put my hand over my mouth for a moment, "Gilbert, I-"

"What?! You wanted this, did you not?! Insisted that I take you in to my home and putting me in out in danger of getting arrested because of you!"

"No! No! I didn't-" I tried but he had made up his mind.

He sighed gruffly, massaging his temples, "I do not have time or interest in this anymore. Get out!"

My breath caught in me throat, "But-"

"Out! Leave now! Before I lose my shit and beat the crap out of you!" He pointed to the door as if I hadn't known where it was before.

"I need my stuff!" I sniffled, he really wasn't gonna forgive me.

He rolled his eyes and he lunged forward and grabbed the front of my sweater. He didn't lay a finger on me but it still knocked the air from my lungs.

I scuttled over to the door as he pulled me towards it and I felt myself stumble as he let go and pushed me out, my feet tripping over themselves as I hit the brick wall across the alleyway and fall to the ground.

"Let's talk about this!" I tried, scrambling forward on grazed knees but it was too late. It was too late from the moment he saw my face in the newspaper.

"Do not come back." He said coldly and turned away. He had no door to slam in my face but as he kept his back to me and started to sort through his bag it felt like he had.

**x++x**

As soon as I hurriedly got to my feet and glanced at Gilbert's hunched over figure for what I assumed would be the last time I started to run away, I couldn't feel the ground under my feet as I moved ungracefully away.

I didn't stop when I reached the street, it wasn't yet late and the in the evening twilight people still bustled about, tourists and locals that were oblivious to the fact that the boy who raced past them was on the verge of a break down.

It was all over, Gilbert had found out my circumstances in the worst way possible and only just as I realised that I had fallen head over heels in love with him. I put him in terrible danger too, if he hadn't found out, if we had been spotted together and I was recognised... I didn't even want to think of what that would mean! They would treat him like a criminal when all he had offered me was kindness.

But it was too late, the damage had been done. Someone was gonna recognise me and tell the authorities, they'd trace me back to who they thought kidnapped me, they'd trace me back to him! I'd beg, and I tell them all that I did this on my own but they wouldn't listen, they'd think that he forced me to say that!

No wonder he was in such a rage, I was such a horrible person.

At some point I had stopped running and had come to a halt, my chest was heaving and my legs shook. My eyes looked at everyone, paranoia telling me that they were all looking at me; they all knew who I was.

I pushed air out of my mouth in what was a loud whimper and a quiet scream; I wanted them to stop looking at me. For the first time in my life I didn't want any attention!

I pulled my hood further over my head, then down, back over my face, stretching the fabric as I yanked it to my chin so no one could see it was me and I didn't have to deal with so many pairs of eyes looking at me and knowing.

I eventually let my hood ride up again above my eyes, but as I walked quickly past the people in the street I made more of an effort to stay discreet and not be recognised.

I was in the worst situation possible, I had no money, no clothes but the ones on my back and no food or water. Gilbert had everything I had brought with me and I didn't dare go back to him. I could have found the Canadian embassy and made myself know, go back home but that would endanger Gilbert, that made me feel worse and I clenched my jaw, biting my tongue as the dire feeling of hopelessness settled in my gut. This was such a mess!

I didn't stop walking again, keeping a steady pace and concentrating on keeping it to distract me from everything and to keep me from tears.

I wormed my way into a web of backstreets and crossed through main roads until I felt a world away from the man who I was in love with and probably hated me right now.

I was hungry, tried and parched. It was about an hour later when I stopped, the sky was dark now and rain poured, I was soaked though to the skin, freezing and uncomfortable.

I sunk down against a brick wall, giving in to the misery and burying my face in my hands and screwing my eyes shut as I tried to think of a way out of all this.

There was nothing I could do that fit the criteria of being legal, safe, and assured anonymity for Gilbert that came to mind in the time it took me to catch my breath. Eventually, I gathered the energy to raise my weary head and look across to the wall in front of me and noticed that someone had sprayed all over the wall, pulling out my glasses and squinting at it I gasped,

This was Gilbert's work.

It wasn't hard to recognise, his style was very distinct, the strokes and the shapes were his, no question about it. But it was different from the work I had seen him do, I couldn't tell why...

The colours were darker, more reds and black used and instead of being a clear object, my eyes couldn't quite figure out what the painting was meant to be of. Sharp lines and corners replaced soft curves and it looked as if the lines had been thrown on in a random, jumbled mess instead of being given a place and a reason. It was beautiful but yet dark, chilling and angry... I wondered as I crawled closer on my hands and knees, what could possibly have inspired it. It was almost scary as far as paintings go.

I traced my fingers over the rough brickwork; even the surface he had chosen for a canvas had a grungier feel to it. It was wet from the rain too, and cold. But still, as I put a hand over where he had signed it, I felt warm.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

The voice came from behind me and startled me into turning around, still crouching with my back to the hard wall.

In front of me was a man, around thirty years old and well dressed. He smiled at me gently though it didn't quite reach his eyes and held a red umbrella over his head, keeping his smooth hair cut safe from the rain. He wore a trench coat but pinstriped pants were well fitted to his legs and his shoes were well polished. Under the beige coat peeked a shirt and tie that were both uncreased and clean.

"Uh..." I realised that I was completely visible to the man, my hood down and my eyes meeting his blank ones.

"I see it every day from my apartment," The man continued, his accent wasn't one I heard much, sorta mid-Atlantic, not quite American or English but somewhere in between, "Quite the view."

"Excuse me." I said deadpan, hoping that there was a chance that I would not be recognised yet and pushed myself up to my feet, but the man didn't move out of the way.

"It's a wet night." He commented, "Where could you be going in this weather? I think a storm is brewing." He smiled again.

I should have told a lie, that I was meeting friends, or I was going to my hotel or maybe just told him it was none of his business, but I made the mistake of telling the truth, "I don't know."

I heard a soft exhale of air from the man and he put a hand on my damp shoulder, "We can't have that can we? Do you have a place to stay, young man?"

"I'll be fine!" I tried to sound assertive but he wasn't fazed.

"My name is Judas; I own an apartment in this building here..." He nodded towards the block behind us, "How would you like to sleep in a warm bed for the night, with a shower and dinner?"

"I'm not hungry..." But it was so tempting... Judas wasn't homeless like Gilbert was; I could spend a night in comfort... But I didn't know this man; he gave off an aura of being a little strange.

"No, no, I insist! I couldn't let a young person like you spend a night on the streets! It's dangerous... There are wolves out there, and they are hungry for a sheep like yourself."

I swallowed, his hand was still on my shoulder and it made me nervous, "I'm fine." I told him, and shook it off.

It was my stomach that gave me away, it growled loudly and Judas raised his eyebrows, "Hungry?"

I was starving, "I'm fine!" I insisted.

"Don't be rude, I am offering you a night of luxury with a nice warm bed..."

I sighed and shifted around on the spot, "Really?" I was breaking, giving in to this idea of a night that wasn't spent on a hard floor in the cold.

He ruffled my hair, "Of course! Think of it as a simple act of kindness... The wolves are howling, they'll have to miss out."

I felt uneasy, but Judas made it seem out of line to refuse his offer and I was starving hungry... But what would Gilbert say if he saw me doing this?

I pushed Gilbert out of my mind, forget him, he wanted nothing to do with me and for a good reason... I wasn't with him anymore...

I looked up at Judas, who waited patiently for me to accept his offer, so I gave him what he wanted,

"Where's the apartment?"


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thank you for reading and all the reviews!_

**Ten.**

To say that Judas' house was close would have been an understatement. As soon as I agreed to spend the night there he whirled around, cold water from his umbrella flicking me in the face and walked off. It took me a second to realise that I was meant to follow.

It was less than twenty freaking steps to the lobby of his apartment block and no more than ten after that to get into the elevator after he nodded at the doorman in greetings.

There was also no question about it, this guy was rich. I felt kinda out of place, following him with my head down, dripping wet and all hunched over. Judas walked briskly with long strides and some pretty impeccable posture in front of me but didn't say anything, not that I was really in the mood for chatting, every time Gilbert crossed my mind I felt really bad and like I wanted to run away and hide forever.

The floors were made of marble and the elevator was clean and polished with brass buttons and classy music playing, it was like a hotel. We arrived at the top floor and he gestured for me to get out so I did. He took the lead again and we made it to the room at the end of the hall, Judas produced a key and unlocked the door for us, opening it for me.

The first thing I noticed was how much I seemed to sink into the thick violet carpet, it had to be at least an inch deep, there were also expensive looking paintings everywhere on the lilac walls and fish tanks. In my opinion, fish tanks were a symbol of wealth.

But something seemed off, I didn't know what but there sure was something up that I wasn't getting. My eyes scanned the place looking for clues as to what was wrong but before I could figure anything out, Judas started to speak again,

"I trust the place is to your liking?"

"Yes! Of course." I thought that was a bit of a stupid question, even if I hated the place, I wasn't exactly gonna start complaining...

"I'm glad." He said softly, as if my opinion mattered a lot to him... Maybe this guy was okay.

"But," I spoke up, I tried to approach this light heartedly, "You seriously like the colour purple."

My statement was a valid one, the walls were purple, the carpet was purple, the curtains, the doors, much of the furniture: all purple. They were in different shades though, it was even kinda impressive how Judas had managed to make it so no two things were the exactly the same colour purple, it was like he had tried to convince himself that his love affair was not only with the one colour, but I wasn't fooled.

He laughed, I was relived he didn't take it as a criticism but his laugh seemed empty and hollow, it wasn't really a joyous laugh, "That's observant of you," Listening to his voice you would have never guess that he was laughing just a moment ago, "It is true, purple is a colour I admire- but not for the aesthetics, for the history!" He almost sounded passionate, but didn't quite get there.

"It has a history?" I wanted to sit down but I didn't wanna soak the indigo couch.

"Of course, everything does. You have a history, I have a history, the pope has a history." He smiled but let it drop after two seconds, "You look like a smart boy; you should know these things."

"I do!" I protested.

"Purple," He began, "Is a colour that symbolises power. In the era of the Romans this colour was only allowed to be worn by royalty."

I wasn't certain how to respond to that, "Oh..." Is what I decided on.

"So naturally I like the colour because of what it represents- rulers and the most important people."

I nodded, understanding but decided to change the subject, there was just something about Judas's demeanour that made me uncomfortable, "Can I have a shower?" I decided I'd have a shower and then take my leave, coming here was a mistake.

"Right this way." Any wistfulness disappeared from his face and he led me around a corner to a door, "It's in there, I'll prepare some dry clothes for when you finish."

"Aha... That won't be necessary..." I put my hands up, "I don't know if I can really stay..."

His expression darkened a little, "But I already have a room ready..."

I raised my eyebrows, "Really? Well..." I couldn't be rude, Judas, though unsettling, was offering me kindness... Just as Gilbert had, and I had fallen in love with Gilbert... So if I could love Gil' then surely I could become friends with this man! "I'll try not to take long."

"No need to hurry." He told me, his back already to me as he headed back to the main room.

I took a deep breath and entered the bath room. It was at least three-quarters of the size of Gilbert's 'home'. It had a bathtub on one side of the room and a separate shower in another corner. Again, there was a lot of purple but also lots of cream and gold, it seemed like he had made more of an effort to make this room pleasing to the eye.

I stripped off my clothes; I was freezing with my skin still damp from the rain. It was tempting to take a nice hot bath but after a little bit of internal debating I decided that I was offered a shower so I would take one, I didn't want to do anything out of line.

The shower was _so_ amazing. I had gotten so used to showers in public bathrooms with Gilbert, where the soap was as rough as sandpaper, there was constant worry that the door wasn't locked properly, the floor was dirty and covered in human hair, the whole place reeked of urine and I had to deal with Gilbert telling me to feel his legs because he had tried shaving them with his razor. They were some soft, smooth legs though.

The shower at Judas' place was hot, there was one constant temperature instead of changing every two seconds, the soap was creamy and smelled nice and I could be as open as I wanted with my washing and didn't even consider that someone could walk in on me.

It was kinda quiet without Gilbert singing badly in German next to me, his comments about his cleaning process and his exaggerated shrieks whenever the temperature changed slightly.

I turned off the water with a squeak and stood there for a moment, bathing in the warmth for a few more moments before opening the shower screen and letting the cold air in. I grabbed a fluffy towel and wrapped it around my body. Towels had become a luxury to me; I just had to rub myself off with my clothes before.

In the corner of my eye, I noticed my body in a mirror that hung in the corner. Gosh... It had been a while since I had gotten a long look at myself...

I rubbed the water off myself and moved closer to the mirror, took a deep breath and dropped the towel.

Wow... I was skinnier; the chubbiness that I showed up with just over a month ago had mostly become tight skin. It was kinda nice to look at, I had wanted to lose weight for a while and as I turned to the side, examining my thighs I saw that I actually looked better, slender but had managed to so far avoid looking undernourished.

I had longer hair too; it reached my shoulders without me even noticing. Gilbert did offer to get a haircut with him once but I was too afraid of being recognised to accept it. Now my blond hair tickled my neck the more I gazed at its new length. I snorted at the realisation that I could tie it back if I wanted to.

I bared my teeth, they hadn't changed, nor had the milky paleness of my skin or the little scar above my eyebrow that I could never remember getting. I pulled the towel back around my shoulders.

I opened the door with caution, even though I had known him for less than an hour, standing right outside of the bathroom seemed like the kind of weird thing that Judas would do. Luckily he wasn't there but at my feet was a stack of folded clothes and a note. Still pretty aware of my nakedness, I grabbed the bundle and closed the bathroom door again, sitting on the toilet seat to read the note, it said,

'_These will be too large but that cannot be helped, wear them. Your wet clothes on you are a sight for sore eyes- these will offer comfort.'_

I tossed the little card away; it seemed pointless to be there, just like Judas was giving me a reminder that he was going out of his way to be kind. I didn't need to be reminded.

I unfolded the pile of clothes and felt myself smile at how soft they were. I didn't want to wear the clothes I came here in ever again so left them in a dripping pile in the corner.

I had a button up shirt and a pair of smart black pants. Judas was right, they were too big, if I wanted to, I could have worn the shirt and nothing else and wouldn't have been exposing anything, it came over my hands and the bottom of it reached mid thigh.

I even had some underwear there for me, but if the clothes actually belonged to Judas like the size suggested I wouldn't feel right putting them on, they would be too big too anyway, so I just pulled on my own.

The black pants came to the ground and covered most of my feet so I rolled them up a little to above my ankles, they looked cooler this way, and they didn't looked three sizes too big like this either.

There was also a tie, but I wasn't gonna be wearing that anytime soon. I had a strange premonition that Gilbert's vibes of totally casual clothes without a single care for looking smart had rubbed off on me. I tied it around my waist for a belt.

I towel dried my hair one more time and exited the bathroom, once again, Judas wasn't around but this time I could hear music, it was soft music but also kinda techno, chill out music. There was also a smell coming from the same direction that made my gut twist in a sharp reminder of how hungry I was.

I followed my nose and ears and the smells and sounds grew stronger and louder until I arrived in a tiny kitchen, which was again decked out in purple.

"I trust you're not opposed to eating meat?" He asked in the same cool tone as usual, not turning around.

"You mean a vegetarian?" I stepped closer, "I'm not."

"Good, good." He stirred something in a pot before turning around, his brows knitting together when he saw me, "Ties are not belts."

"Sorry!" I smiled guiltily and gave a nervous laugh, "The pants were gonna fall down."

Amusement flickered through his eyes, but only for half a second, "I suppose I can forgive it on this occasion."

"What're you making?" I tried to peek over Judas' shoulder, maybe it was time to move on from what I was wearing.

He was quick to give me a description, like he was reading from a menu, "Roast beef in a red wine sauce, accompanied by asparagus and duchess potatoes."

That sounded like I was gonna get something pretty different to the usual convenience store food, "Do you like cooking?" I asked and took a seat at the breakfast bar. With a meal as complex and luxurious as this, he had to enjoy making it. It smelled good too, maybe that was from practise.

"No." He said shortly, adding salt to whatever was in his pot, "I don't do it when I can avoid it."

I felt bad, was he doing all this for me when it wasn't even something he wanted to do? "You don't have to cook! I'm the one imposing, you can order a pizza if you want..." I chewed on my lower lip as he narrowed his eyes.

"It would be rude." He cleared his throat and turned back to the stove, "It would be rude not to. For a guest. One that I have invited into my home."

He was doing it again, reminding me that he was being so kind to me and giving me his time and effort. I don't know why he kept doing that but I really wished that he wouldn't. I was doing all I could to show my thanks and he knew that! So why did he wanna make me feel like I owed him more? ... I didn't have any money.

I didn't reply, he didn't try to get a reply to that out of me, I just swung my legs on the chair and watched his back. His spine was so straight it was like a metal bar under his skin, he didn't even lean over the food as it cooked. I tried mimicking his posture, I was kinda surprised to find myself grow another two inches just by straightening it, but after a minute it got uncomfortable and I decided that slouching wasn't that bad.

**x++x**

We were in silence right up until the food was served. I was given my plate and found it impossible to believe that Judas didn't like cooking; the presentation was amazing, too good to eat!

"You can't only cook for guests and have it looking like that..." I stared at my food as Judas laid a napkin over my lap.

"Yet alas I do." He said, putting his apron in a drawer.

"But you've practised so much! It's obvious!"

He was quiet for a minute and I thought he had left the room; I tore my eyes away from the masterpiece on my plate and saw that he was still there, across the room, looking at me sternly.

"I have many guests."

"Friends?" I tilted my head, "Or do you give lots of people with nowhere to go this treatment?"

He advanced closer and didn't say anything until he was right up in my face, "You know, it's rude to ask your host so many questions." He was speaking through gritted teeth, "It's nosy. And curiosity killed the cat after all."

Then he did something totally unexpected. Judas raised his hand and slapped me right across the cheek. I yelped as sharp, hot pain covered my skin and I bit my tongue as the blow struck my jaw. I yelped, tears springing to my eyes and my glasses falling half to my face.

I cowered, scared in case another hit was coming my way, and I could feel my pulse in my face.

"Understand?" He asked, the saccharine voice returned and I swallowed down my gasps of pain. I nodded, not trusting my lips to move in the right way, "Good."

"Ow...!" I couldn't help it; it was like expressing the pain softened it as I rubbed at red skin.

"Do you drink wine?" He asked cordially, taking out two glasses from the cabinet as if what he had just done had never happened.

"N-No..." I was almost too afraid to speak.

"Then what is your drink of choice?" He examined a bottle of red wine.

"Water, please." I choked.

"Very good." He ran my glass under the cold faucet and brought it over to the table. I hid my hands under the tablecloth to hide their shakiness.

I swallowed and we both began eating. I clenched my knife and fork so hard that my knuckles were white.

"Is the food to your standard?" He asked suddenly.

"Yes!" I nodded quickly. True enough, our meal was delicious but I had a feeling that any reply that wasn't that one would be the wrong answer, "It's wonderful!" I made sure he knew what my answer was.

"I'm delighted," He didn't sound it, "I'm sure you're exhausted so I went ahead and prepared a bed for you..." A sly smile cropped up, "You will be sleeping in my bed."

For the first time since he slapped me, I looked up at Judas, my fork clattering to the plate as I stared at him in shock... No, no, no... This isn't what I came for, but I couldn't see a way out of this that didn't risk getting hurt again, my stomach turned to ice. How was I gonna get out of this!?

But then Judas started to laugh, "I jest. I have another room prepared." He took a sip of wine and raised his glass to me, "I raise my glass to you. You innocent boy."

"Thank you..." I said, I wasn't sure what I was thanking him for but it seemed like the right thing to say. He went on eating, as if to tell me that that was the right response.

I was quite relieved to find out there wasn't a dessert

**x++x**

I'm sitting in my kitchen, I don't know what time it is but I assume that it's morning because the sun is high outside the window. My family are no where to be seen and I drum my fingers on the dining table, waiting. I don't know what for.

I'm not even surprised when Gilbert enters, he looks fresh, like he's glowing and grins at me,

"Good morning!" He waves at me and sits at the other end of the table.

"Morning." I'm still waiting.

"How did you sleep?" He asks, picking a grape from the fruit bowl and throwing it, trying to catch it in his mouth. He lets it roll on the floor and stay there when he misses.

I open my mouth to answer but I'm interrupted.

There's an ear piercing shriek and I cower down, though Gilbert doesn't move. He's still smiling at me from across the table, he doesn't move a muscle.

The noise comes again, but this time it sounds more like a wail that breaks off into sobs. I looked around, my eyes wide and flustered. I look at Gilbert again. Say something! Do something! I reach across the table. Move! I try to voice the words but they get lost, my lips feel like blubber and my tongue is being crushed.

The noises get louder and louder still, I grab at my ears, clutching them because I think if I have to listen to any more of this my head will implode, I want to scream.

Now I'm kneeling on the floor, my chair must have been swept from under me and I didn't even notice. The air feels more viscous, it enters my lungs by oozing into me like tar.

I scramble back on the kitchen floor, turning just in time to see my parents enter through the doorway.

Mom looks so tired, the lines on her face stand out around bloodshot eyes and her hair is less rich in colour, a wispy mess. She cries so loudly that I realise that she was the one wailing, her hands twisting around a black handkerchief.

Dad looks defeated, his eyes void of life, and his arm slung around mom like it's an object not part of his body, and his jaw is set and his lips thin. His skin looks gray and corpse like. He doesn't wail like mom does but fat wet tears still leave their tracks down his face.

They're both dressed for a funeral.

"Our baby!" My mom speaks frantically, "We should have looked after him!" She is overcome by another drawn out wail and hides her face in her hands, "Paid him attention!" She sniffs, "I never wanted him taken away..." She closes her eyes, lower lip wobbling, "We're horrible, horrible people, George!" She runs her hands through her hair, clumps of it coming out with her fingers, "Scum!"

No, I want to say, no, I'm the one to blame, I never even told you how I felt, and I should never have left you like this!

"We drowned his brother, just like he would have wanted," My father said sombrely, "After all; he hated him for all the attention he got."

Drowned my... What? No! No! I never wanted that! I didn't want there to be pain!

I leap to my feet and run at them but I'm barely moving, the air is still tar around me, sticky and thick, unyielding even though I was still determined.

Mom looks up and right through me, "We would have given him anything he wanted, anything! I just didn't want my baby taken away! But it's too late now! Too late! Too late!"

I have to say something! Scream it out so they'll listen and stop crying, my mouth feels like it's full of gum but I have to voice something to them.

I push it out; they have to hear me,

"I don't care."

Huh?!

That wasn't supposed to come out, that isn't what I meant to say! My parents huddle together as I try again.

"I don't care."

Again!

"I don't care."

I have to say something, something that make them stop,

"I don't care."

No!

"I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care."

"YOU!" The roar is what stops me, the words wouldn't stop, but finally a shout from either mom or dad stops me, it sounds so angry that I can't tell who it is.

They've turned on Gilbert now who until this moment has been watching the scene.

"You did this! You took him away!" My mom points a trembling finger in his direction; he's not smiling at me anymore.

No! No he didn't, that was me.

My dad speaks, "We'll kill you... kill _you_."

Suddenly I'm in front of him, my arms spread out, "Stop!" I don't know if the word gets out of my mouth but it rings in my ears loud enough.

"God, Mattie. You are sick."

Eh?

I turn around, I'm at Gilbert's place now, but the walls are covered in the dark painting outside Judas' window.

"You just want attention- you do not care how, you selfish boy! Little young boy!" He snarls, his face becomes contorted with anger

But I do care! Because I want it from you! Because I love you! I was trying so hard to tell him that.

"You will ruin me! I will go to prison and rot because of a selfish kid!" He looks upset as well as angry and that's what tears me apart.

"Why did you lie to me!? Why should I ever forgive what you did?! You put me in all that danger so you could make the whole world look at you!? Your parents are at their brink." He finally hissed,

"I hate you."

He raises a black spray can to my face, and pushes down.

Then I woke up.

**x++x**

I sat up in a cold sweat. My throat was dry and sore. I put my hands over my eyes and tried to stop shaking.

Another bad dream, the third of the night, but the first that featured my parents. It was already fading from memory and I lay back to stare at the purple ceiling, trying to calm down.

All of my nightmares had Gilbert there and in all of them he called me a kid and hated me.

Sounded like my dreams were telling me something.

I pulled the pillow out from under my head and pressed the cool side to my face. I never realised how guilty I felt for leaving my parents like that... I pushed the thought aside, I was right to say I didn't care in my dream, I couldn't afford to. Going back would put Gilbert in danger and he had become more important. He would be more important if I saw him every day and would be more important if I never saw him again. That's how it was.

Guilt still sank like a stone in my stomach whenever I thought of them.

I sat up on my purple bed; I couldn't stay here any longer. Judas was clearly a guy I wanted to avoid and it was morning now, time to get out of here.

I got out of bed and pulled on my own clothes, thank goodness they had dried, I hated putting on wet clothing but was not putting on Judas' shirt and pants again.

I crept out of my room onto the thick carpet and looked around. It was dark, maybe he wasn't up yet... I could just creep out without having to talk to him.

No such luck.

I found him standing at the doorway to the kitchen, blocking my path,

"I was wondering when you would wake." His voice was as cool and smooth as usual, his expression neutral.

"Y-Yes... I think I should leave now." I wanted this to be quick.

"Leave?" He raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Yes." I wasn't going to give in and stay this time.

"Now? But you haven't even had a morning coffee..."

"A what?"

"Coffee." He repeated, "I've made it already."

"Hey, I'm sorry, but I really have to go." I tried to push past him Judas planted his hand firmly on my shoulder.

"You have to drink it, it'll be a waste."

I gritted my teeth. I didn't want him to slap me again... And what was the harm in one drink before I left?

"Fine..." He stepped aside and I could see two steaming cups of coffee on the counter.

I wanted to make this quick. I walked over to the counter and put my hands around the hot cup.

He smiled over to me, "Sugar? Milk?"

I shook my head, I just wanted out of here, I'd take it strong.

I raised the cup to my glass and took a long sip. It was hot and bitter... and somehow tingled my tongue.

I put the cup down and blinked a few times. The room was melting.

The floor spun and I stepped back.

"Did no one teach you that you shouldn't talk to strangers, Matthew?" Judas' laugh and voice sounded like they were underwater as he showed his first emotion to me.

Satisfaction.

I felt like shouting out but then my head hit the floor.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Thank you for reading! Remember to review~_

**Eleven.**

The next thing I knew was a pounding headache and nausea.

What just happened? Did it pass out? I must have... Judas... I remembered him insisting on coffee and then...

Oh no.

It finally all came together and I jerked away, gasping as I looked up. I was in the same room as I slept in; I was still in his apartment... He did this! H-He must have drugged my coffee! What was gonna happen to me now? I should have never trusted him.

I tried to raise my hands to rub at my eyes but when I jerked at them they didn't move. I was tied down to my chair, both arms and legs refused to budge, the strong rope digging into my skin and binding me to my seat.

I opened my mouth to scream for help but my mouth was dry, no sound came out. My face was burning and suddenly I was breathing sharply and gagging. I was going to die here.

I wanted to grab at my face and hair, move about in some way but I couldn't, I was going to die and I couldn't even move! I leaned forward, putting my head between my knees. Rope pressed at my stomach.

"Help me..." I whimpered into the empty room, "Please... Please..."

I screwed my eyes shut before sitting up again.

I took a deep breath.

And another.

I shout have never trusted Judas, let him take me here, stayed the night. I shouldn't have even spoken to him. It was so stupid of me... So stupid, stupid, stupid!

I made frustrated noise.

This was it! This was... The end.

I started to sob. My nose was running even though I was sniffling, I looked pathetic, I felt pathetic and this wasn't how I wanted to go!

I hunched over as much as I could in the chair I was tied to, I wouldn't be able to see my mom again... Or my dad...

Or Gilbert.

I looked up; I couldn't wipe tears away so I tilted my head to keep my tears in.

I wish I told him I loved him. If I have one regret, it was that. He hated me when I left him yesterday and I could never see him again!

"I love you, Gil'." I said, pretending he could hear me, "I'm so sorry for what I did, I'll never forgive myself! But somehow... I've fallen in love with you! Dammit, I really have!"

"That's touching." There was another voice in the room. Judas'.

I whipped my head around, seeing him standing against the door. He must have come in when I was talking to Gilbert.

I fixed my darkest daggers on him, despite the fear in my stomach making feel like I was seriously gonna puke.

"What are you doing to me?" I tried to keep voice even.

He didn't answer, just looked at me.

"Well!?" My voice was crumbling, wobbling and betraying me.

He advanced over to, me slowly and crouched in front of me. He put on hand on each of my knees. I pressed my lips together and didn't look at him. I his hands were like huge weights and I could do nothing to get them off. I was so powerless.

"Matthew." He said. It was the one of the first times he had said my name. My name on his lips made me shudder. He knew who I was and hadn't said a thing.

"Let me go!" I struggled against the ropes again, though I knew I wasn't gonna be getting out of here.

"Ah, ah, ah, please refrain from causing such a ruckus." He gave me a smile that spread across his face, making me squirm like it was some kind of infectious disease.

"I wanna go back to Gilbert..." I whimpered.

He sucked in a deep breath and stood up again, ambling over to the window to my right and gazing out of it, not looking at me as he spoke calmly,

"I was lucky to find you." He glanced over at me, "Matthew, you are in your prime! A young boy of your age, almost totally developed, healthy... You don't look like the type to have taken any kind of drug aside from cold medicine. Why, you don't even look like you've had a sip of alcohol!"

I was breaking out in a cold sweat; I had the feeling in my chest that told me that if my body was free it would be shaking like crazy. He was going to use me for something; he wanted my body for something that was probably going to kill me. I was screwed, so screwed.

"S-So... Are you gonna sell me?" I forced the question out, terrified of what the answer would be.

He turned around and looked right at me, "What would I sell you for?" He challenged me.

"I don't know!" I looked at my lap, my voice reduce to a hoarse whisper as I suggested, "Sex?"

He snorted; I looked back up at him, blinking in confusion.

"No, no... Not," He chuckled at my suggestion again, "Not that!" He move back over to me and ruffled my hair, "You shouldn't flatter yourself, who on earth would want you for that!?"

As bad as my situation was, when Judas said that I felt like he had just stuck a knife into me. When I looked in the mirror last night I saw someone who looked okay... Was that just me being conceited? I felt humiliated as I looked down again; I was already scared and distressed now I was embarrassed. Was this Judas' plan? To break me down one negative emotion at a time until I didn't care what he did? Shame added to mix as I thought of all my fantasies that I had of Gilbert... How did even find the hope that they'd come true? He's never gonna want some chubby little kid like me. Whatever I saw in the mirror must have been wrong. I was still gross.

"Oh..." I breathed, of course he was right.

"I'm surprised you let yourself be fooled into thinking that you were desirable to a buyer... No, you'd never sell against the competition you'd against in that sort of auction." He patted my head rather roughly.

I didn't say anything. It was pointless to speak anymore.

"I will be selling you off, in a way. Do you have any idea what your organs would sell for on black market?"

I froze, holding my breath as my face drained of colour. My organs, Judas was gonna sell my organs.

I really was going to die.

**x++x**

Judas left after that; told me to make myself comfortable before leaving the room.

Hours had passed since and I spent most of them staring at my lap.

I never thought I'd die this way. It was stupid of me to run away from home without considering it but I guess I was no different from everyone else in the world. We're all careful but still think we're invincible. We so often forget that the people we see on the news, the ones who got in an accident and the ones who were stabbed in a parking lot... They didn't wake up knowing that it was going to happen. They never even suspected that they would go this way. But they do. Just like I was.

I hadn't cried. So many times tears pricked at my eyes but I had to keep my dignity, I felt pathetic enough already.

I felt like a prisoner on death row, I could only wait for something horrible to happen and dread it all the while. Judas knew what he was doing; the ropes weren't coming lose no matter what I did, I could have tipped the chair and found a way to crawl but when I looked down I saw that the floor was made of gleaming ceramic purple tiles. If I did that I could crack my head open.

So I sat there for hours, trying not to cry or puke. I didn't even scream for help. Why would I? No one could hear me and Judas would probably hit me again.

I laughed bitterly, this man was about to harvest my organs and I was scared of a punch in the face.

Throughout all of my thoughts, it was Gilbert that invaded my mind the most. I wondered what he was doing as I sat tied to my chair. I prayed that he would be happy, find a home... Find love, even if it wasn't me. But that was okay, I wouldn't be there to see him treat some girl how I would imagine him treating me, heck, he already made me feel like the most important person before he found out who I was. I would have done anything to get those days back, thinking about it, they were the best of my life, and it didn't look like there was anything coming to replace them.

I closed my eyes; I couldn't keep in the occasional whimper. I knew what was happening, when would the acceptance of what was happening come? I was so afraid, so angry at myself.

Another hour passed and the tears finally escaped and sobs racked my body.

**x++x**

I had almost calmed down when I heard the rustling outside of my window.

I blinked away the last of my tears and watched the window carefully; my ears pricked up for any more noise. I didn't know who it could possibly be and if they were dangerous I was defenceless, tied to this chair and totally unarmed.

But this was the top floor. I swallowed, it must have been the wind, nothing could have possibly got up this high, especially in the downpour of rain that had started outside.

I was about to look away, convincing myself it was nothing but then a pair of hands grabbed the window frame.

There was someone trying to get inside the room. I watched with wide fearful eyes as I tried to shuffle back. The person's ominous shape started to rise up and their black clothed, hooded shape was right outside.

"W-Wait..." I shied away, they had slid up the window and like their body was liquid, their form was now standing on the tile, dripping wet, "Don't hurt me..."

They looked up at me; their black clothed form looked like a shadow... But I had seen this before.

"Gil-!" I started to cry out in such relief that if I was standing I would have collapsed but the pale hand was clamped over my open lips in an instant.

"Shh!" It was him, Gilbert used his free hand to yank down his hood and reveal the face I could have sworn I was never going to see, "He does not know I am here!" He spoke in a frantic whisper.

I took his hand, pulling it off my mouth, "Help me, Gilbert! Please!" I was hysterical but did manage to keep it down. I looked at him for a long moment. It was him, he was really here to save me, "Oh my gosh...!" I spoke in the same hushed voice as him, "Gilbert! Help me! He's gonna take my organs!" I would have thrown my arms around him, but as that was impossible I pressed my head to his stomach instead.

"Yes, I have come to get you out..." He gave a soft sigh and hesitated before starting to pet my head as I nuzzled in to him, inhaling his musky scent that stirred up hope and happiness in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I never told you who I was!" letting out the apology took a huge weight from my shoulders; I thought I would never have a chance to tell him that in a situation that it would get though to him.

"I am still mad at you for that." He told me, and I just smiled and nodded, he had every right to be angry. But he was here. That was enough to make me happy.

"I know." I didn't expect anything else.

That's when he did something that I _didn't_ expect.

He let my head go, crouched down and looked me in the eyes, his scarlet irises looked even more intense than they usually did.

And then he kissed me.

I was too shocked to respond at first. Just a minute ago I was facing my death and now all I could feel was warmth, spreading from his dry lips to mine, through all the rest of my body. This was happening. But why was it happening.

The questions dropped from my mind, the word _don't_ was the last thing that I thought before the urge and the built up need took over and I closed my eyes kissing him back. It was hot and dry, he didn't use his tongue and his rough warm breath was on my face but I didn't care. It was the best kiss of my life. Not that I had gotten many, but I just knew nothing could have felt better than those dry slightly chapped lips on mine. There was the stink of cigarette smoke, sweat and rain water assaulting my nostrils but instead of pulling away I screwed my eyes tight in frustration as he cupped my face and I couldn't do the same.

He pulled back just as suddenly as he leaned in, "I do not have time to be mad now." He leaned down by my side and started working on the ropes around my limbs.

I watched him quietly, conflicted to whether I should ask what that just was or to move right along. He didn't look like he was gonna explain why he just kissed me and I wasn't finding any answers out by looking at him... I opened my mouth to ask him, I just didn't understand it... It was like Judas had said... I wasn't really desirable so why...?

I sighed and decided not to ask. There were butterflies in my chest, if I asked him, the reason might be something that would make them go away. I didn't want that.

Instead I asked a question that was on a matter less trivial, "How did you get up here?"

"Climbed." He was glossing over that he kissed me completely; it was like it had never happened... "It is not hard to get up."

My legs were free now and I stretched them out, it felt like my whole body had been coiled up, it was an unexplainably nice feeling.

"How did you know to come...? I thought no one was coming..." I felt another wave of relief covering me as I thought of what could be happening to me if he hadn't shown.

"You are lucky and very stupid." He got my arms free and I rubbed my wrists that had been rubbed raw, "Someone who I know saw you going to this guy's apartment and mentioned it to me... I knew it was you right away... Mattie you are an idiot!"He suddenly raised his voice and I flinched, "What were you thinking letting that man take you in!?"

"I-I don't know..." I looked down, "I was scared and tired, and I was silly, I know! Please stop reminding me! ... Do you know him?" I looked up again.

His eyes flicked over to meet mine as he paced the room, "Who?"

"Him... Judas." I nodded to the door.

"Jud-? Oh. That is the name he gave you." He sat on the bed and sighed, "Yes I know him. Almost everyone who is homeless in Berlin knows _him_."

My wrists were bleeding, I only just noticed, "How? And what do you mean, 'it's the name he gave me'?"

He gave a quiet laugh, "How? Because he is a cold blooded psycho, that is how! He picks boys from the street like you and gives them a night of luxury..." His expression turned darker, "Gives them a fake name, never uses the same one twice, and in the morning drugs them and keeps them captive... Takes out each organ one by one and sells them. It never takes long for each one to die." He gritted his teeth.

"That's sick..." I breathed, shuddering. That was almost me. "Why isn't he in jail yet!?" I had to make a mental effort not to speak loudly.

"Because nobody notices when these boys go missing!" Gilbert grabbed my shoulders and shook me violently, "It is always street urchins or good for nothing junkies! That is why you have to go home Mattie- you cannot live on the streets when there are people like him out there!"

I shook him off, "I can't put you in danger..."

"For fucks sake!" He grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it at me, "It has not been a day and you have had to rely on being rescued to survive, Mattie, you cannot cope out here." He looked angry but as I watched him, my lips pressed together I could see concern in those eyes too.

"But what if they find out I was with you? You said it yourself, you could go to jail! What if they don't believe that I wasn't kidnapped by you?" This wasn't the time. If Judas came in now it would be over for us both but I couldn't help myself from biting back.

He groaned quietly and put his head in his hands, "I did not kick you out for you to get yourself killed. You are naive and I suppose that may be my fault too for letting you see life with me as so cushy but you will not make it out here. Mattie, once we get out of here, you are going home."

I crossed my arms, scowling at a corner of the room; my cheeks were burning from frustration.

"What are we doing?" Gilbert shook his head and stood up, "We need to run from here, right now."

I blinked away my emotions from the conversation, he was right.

Finally I was leaving.


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: A little short but here it is! 3 thanks for reading my stuff_

**Twelve.**

It took a lot of convincing from Gilbert's side to get me out of the window and holding on to the ledge. If it hadn't been a life or death situation I would have never done it, every time I accidently glanced down I felt dizzy and my arms hurt from holding on so tight.

So it seemed kinda unfair that he was still beside me, I was teetering on the edge of falling from the top of a building and he wasn't doing anything but glaring up at window we just came from,

"Gil'..." My hands were getting sweaty and bit down on my tongue as imagined slipping, "Gil', we really gotta go! I'll fall."

"You know," His voice was gruff, "Fucking with me was enough but he should have not touched you..."

"What do you- Wait!" Before I could ask what the heck he was talking about he was like a spring, jumping back up and entering the window again, "Stop!" But it was too late, he was gone, "Gilbert!" I shouted after him. No reply.

Then he stuck his head back out the window, "Wait for me." He said as loudly as he dared and disappeared again.

"I can't!" I didn't know if I was talking to him or myself. Either way, he wasn't coming back. I pressed my lips together as I thought and a pained look crossed my face as I decided the only option that didn't involve plummeting to the hard wet tarmac under me was to follow him.

I thought climbing up the small distance from where I was to the window would have been maybe a little easier than going down but I was so wrong. Going up was just as bad, Gilbert scampered up like some kind of monkey, I swear, at some points he wasn't even touching the wall but I was lumbering, more like an elephant. I hated the uncertainty as I looked for footing, and when I found it, the fear that it wouldn't hold my weight.

My arms were shaking under me as I pushed up one last time, my feet flailed against the brick work trying to push up and finally, with a thud that made me cringe at the noise, I was back in the room I never wanted to see again.

I averted my eyes from the chair I was tied to, just seeing the dark wood made me feel ill, and rubbed my arm where it hit the hard tiles under me. Getting to my feet I looked around and horror filled my gut when I saw the door was open.

I stumbled back, pressing myself to the wall. I could hear voices through the door, Gilbert's and Judas'...

I crouched and shuffled over to the door, sitting just beside it to listen, I made an effort to keep my breathing steady but didn't hold it, a gasp or an exhale could give me away in an instant. I kept still and tuned in.

"It was enough what you did to me, but you have made a mistake going after Mattie." It was Gilbert. He sounded angry but wasn't shouting. Gilbert had gone past rage to cold fury.

I touched my fingers to my chin and furrowed my brow; Gilbert had implied already that Judas had done something bad to him but what? He never said anything, and Gilbert never kept stuff quiet.

Judas replied to him in his usual tone, though I couldn't make it out... I realised after a second it was because he wasn't speaking English, he had replied to Gilbert in German.

"No!" Gilbert raised his voice and I heard a movement and I yelp from Judas before a low thud, "You do not use my language! You make a disgrace of it!"

I hear another bump and a gasp for breath, had Gilbert been holding Judas by the throat?

There was a hoarse coughing that affirmed my suspicions and I didn't even feel guilty for the satisfaction that gave me. I mentally cheered Gilbert in between my desperation from him to get the heck out of there before he got hurt.

"Always the patriot." Judas said, obeying Gilbert, "You had no trouble spilling your abuses at me in your mother-tongue back then."

I clicked my tongue, what were they talking about!?

"Hearing you speak my language then was a pain too... But I'll have to tear your mouth off if you dare try it again after what you have done now!"

A sigh, "I've done nothing. You obviously found the lad unharmed."

"And it will stay that way! I have let him go. Mattie is far away by now." Gilbert sounded almost content. I bit my lip, maybe I should have stayed outside... This was dangerous.

"Is that what you think?" There was a quiet laugh, obviously from Judas, "Because I can see him."

I froze, fear spreading through me like icy water. He could see me, I didn't realise I was visible!

I tried moving back, further from the door but I knew it was too late. I silently curse myself and hit my head with my hand, how could I be so careless!?

Gilbert sounded disappointed and surprised, "...Mattie?" I really should have been more careful.

Judas called me, "Come on out! We were just having a lovely discussion."

I hesitated, should I make a run for the window again? I could barely get out of it without Gilbert's help and Judas could catch me if I even tried.

There was no way out of this that wouldn't be risky, and Gilbert was the only one I could trust to keep me safe, even more than myself.

I stood up and stepped out.

I looked on the scene, Judas' nose was bloody, there was no question that Gilbert had punched him, I also noticed broken plates and an upturned chair, it looked like there had been a fight in here.

Gilbert was facing me, he looked irritated, but something in his eyes made me think that that wasn't my fault. He mostly looked angry, which wasn't shocking considering how he had been shouting and holding Judas by the throat. His lips were parted in surprise as he saw me.

I mouthed a sorry, obviously he didn't want me involved in his outburst here...He told Judas I was far away to protect me and I ruined it. He blew air out of his nose and shook his head, we both knew him coming back was stupid and irrational, I could have never hung onto that wall by myself this long so he wasn't blaming me but I didn't have to sit right outside the door. We had come to a mutual agreement that we couldn't get mad at each other for this, we were both wrong. Besides, it was none of my business to eavesdrop on his conversation.

Gilbert turned back around to Judas, "Well, now there is two of us and one of you..." He folded his arms, trying to recover from the hitch.

There was a stare out between the two of them, I felt myself shuffling back, the air between the two of them was the kind of atmosphere that made me want to run away, one of them was gonna snap, I hoped that it would be Gilbert, he wouldn't hurt me and maybe he could do the damage he wanted and we could get out of there, but it was really all to play for.

Before I even knew what was happening, Judas lunged forward and suddenly he had grabbed a kitchen knife as he pulled me away from Gilbert held it to my throat. At the same time Gilbert snapped and brought his clenched fist to where Judas was standing but, like smoke, Judas evaded the blow, taking me with him to take me hostage. I could feel the serrated cold metal against my Adam's apple and stopped struggling when I felt it nick me, I was to scared of the knife to move but it didn't stop me from calling out Gilbert's name as I was dragged to the other side of the room.

"Put Mattie down!" Gilbert roared, "This is not about him!" He ran closer; his eyes seemed to be alight with fierce, insane fury that I had never seen from him.

I screwed my eyes tightly shut, this was just the sort of recklessness that would get Judas to draw the knife across me throat. I would fall to the floor like a sack of bricks, blood spurting and staining purple with red. I could see it now, behind my eyelids. I opened my eyes again, the image unbearable.

Gilbert had obviously realised what would happen if he didn't back off until he found a way to get me away from the blade and stood close. It looked as if there should have been smoke coming off of him.

"But this was always about him, wasn't it?" Judas' voice was now higher pitched, I wasn't sure if it was in fear or some kind of psychotic madness but he had dropped the charade of a man who was calm and collected. I wondered if Gilbert had ever seen this side of him, but if he hadn't he showed no surprise. Maybe he was seeing red so much that he didn't register Judas' flip in personality. Judas continued on, "That's why you're here! I've touched a soft spot haven't I?"

Gilbert's voice was low, "You know what you did to me, there is a fucking reminder of what person you made me outside your fucking window!" He started to shout, "I was made into a monster by you! I will not let you do that to Matthew he is sweet and innocent and I will never forgive you for laying a hand on him!"

Something about Gilbert's tone and determination sparked something inside me. I don't know where it came from but suddenly I was aflame. He was right, I didn't deserve this, I was wrong to have trusted him but Judas seemed to think he was some kind of God. He hurt me, he hurt Gilbert and now, somehow, he thought he had the right to put me in this position!

Knife be dammed, I had to live; I had to find out what happened between him and Judas!

I cried out, but it wasn't in fear, it was a battle cry, my desperation to end this turning me into someone who was not myself.

I kicked up my heel and jammed it between Judas' legs, he crumpled. The knife drew a line across my collar bone as Judas stumbled back in pain, shouting obscenities as I turned around yanking the knife from his hand as I kicked him down in the stomach. I barely even felt where he cut me for the adrenaline that pumped through me. It was a risky move, it could have gone horribly wrong and I could have made a fatal mistake but I didn't. It worked.

Cups and more plates crashed to the floor as he swiped at the worktop on his way to the floor, trying to grab something that would save him from falling but his hands grabbed at air. I got him on the floor and pinned him there by climbing over him, straddling his stomach.

I didn't feel present as I looked down at him, it was like a whole new emotion had taken over and it wanted revenge for all Judas had done. I looked to my hand, I still had the knife that I had snatched and in an instant I hand it poised over his throat, both hands gripping it firmly. I wasn't even shaking.

"Don't move!" I could barely hear my own yelling over the rushing thought's in my head, "If you move I'll kill you!"

"Mattie!" Gilbert called out, not daring to get close, "Wait! Stop!"

"Stay away, Gilbert!" I didn't look to him, "Keep back!"

"Put the knife down!" He shouted, but his usual confidence was wavering.

"No!" I shouted, the knife was still hovering above Judas. I was going to do it, I was going to bring it down and end this, "I'm gonna kill him!"

Judas was under me and I could feel his warmth, his strained breath and his legs kicking, He was making noises under me that would do nothing, it was pathetic.

"No you are not..." Gilbert didn't sound so sure but still managed to take a few steps closer to where I started Judas down with wide eyes, "That is not you, you do not do this."

Finally I looked to Gilbert, his brow was creased in worry and he had his hands raised to protect himself if I came at him. He was looking right at me, his face hiding any fear he might have but the way he made himself look smaller betrayed him.

"He deserves it!" I cried and looked back at Judas before he could try anything, "He held a knife to my throat and we both know he was going to use it!" I sounded frustrated; his soft tone that he was using was the only thing between this and me slamming the kitchen knife into Judas' throat.

"You are not a killer!" He raised his voice, he wanted me to look at him again but I focused on blade, centimetre from the now sweaty skin that moved with Judas' breathing, "I know that you do not want this." He continued on, "You want him dead, I do too so I know... But you do not want to be a killer."

"I don't care anymore!" I didn't mean to shriek but that's how it came out, "I just don't."

He sighed and there was a silence. I just had to raise the knife now, bring it down and it would be all over. That's all I had to do but I all I could do was hold the handle tighter and feel my breathing grow deeper.

"This is what I was scared of you becoming, Mattie. You do care; you are not going to murder a man." I could almost feel his urge to tackle me and stop the suspense of me teetering on the edge of becoming a sixteen year old killer.

I screwed my eyes shut, "I'm tired, Gil'!" I took one hand from the knife and rubbed it across my temple, "I just want this to all be over! I'm so tired!"

He crouched down, he was at my level and crawled closer still, "I know, but you have to do a little more. This is not how you are going to end it."

He was getting to me, really getting to me. I could just drop the knife and run to him, he'd let me run into his arms and I'd be safe there... I would let him handle this all. It would be so easy to give in and let him deal with the rest.

But before I could move another surge of emotion attacked me and felt fire in my skin, "No!" I shouted, "Shut up! Go away, Gil', go away!"

He backed off but suddenly he stopped, I didn't even have time to think anymore before he called out to me,

"Mattie, look out!" Suddenly he was running at me, I felt the wind go out of me as his larger body slammed into me and I tumbled to the ground, hitting my elbow on a half open cabinet as I spun past like a knocked over skittle.

I grabbed my bruised elbow and looked back to where I'd just fallen to see what Gilbert had warned me about.

Judas had moved his arm without me noticing while I was trying to bring myself to kill him and now held a large shard of broken glass.

Judas looked right at me and I knew that I couldn't moved away fast enough as he pounced at me. The glass had already cut his hand and the bloody shard was coming right at me.

Gilbert grabbed him, "Gilbert!" I called his name loudly as he shielded me and everything slowed. I watched in horror as the weapon dug into his skin and drew a red jagged line down his chest.

"Run!" He shouted, grabbing his shoulder, the deepest part of the cut as he slammed a fist into Judas' face.

I stood up and froze, watching the fight. Gilbert had the advantage and seemed to be pummelling Judas with his blows.

"Go!" Gilbert yelled when he had the chance and with the reassurance that he was winning the fight, I opened the door and bolted.


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: Boopadoop~ Thanks for reading!_

**Thirteen. **

I only came to a halt when I had made it out of the building. I put my hands on my knees and panted hard, I wasn't going anywhere else until I saw Gilbert safe.

I looked around; I was incredibly relieved to be out of there. I looked around the daylight and my eyes landed on something I had almost forgotten about.

Gilbert's dark painting, it was still there and if I learned anything from his interactions with Judas today, Judas being able to see this painting from his room wasn't a coincidence.

I felt energy slowly come back to me and I stood up. I started to move closer to the painting on the wall but was interrupted with a crash and a bang behind me.

"Fucking fuck!" I knew who this was.

I gave a sigh of relief as Gilbert came out of the building loudly, still clutching the bloodiest part of his arm.

I rushed over to him, "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" He noticed me and stood up a little straighter, "Mattie... You waited for me."

I blushed a little but only nodded, "Yeah... What happened in there? What about your chest?"

"I am fine." He dropped his hand that was slick with blood, "It was not a deep scratch... Hurts like fucking hell though... You are bleeding too."

"Eh?" I felt my collar bone where Judas' knife had scathed me when I first lashed out at him, "It doesn't hurt... What about Judas?" I didn't want to think about him, but right now we were still in danger of him chasing us.

Gilbert smiled a little, "I was pretty awesome and took him out."

My eyes widened, "He's dead?!

"What?! No! He is unconscious. Will be for a while." He looked down and noticed something, "You are still holding that knife."

I looked down at my hand, he was right, "Oh..." I opened my fingers and let it clatter to the ground.

Gilbert watched it fall before looking at my face again, picking at one of his lip piercings in thought.

"Were you really going to kill him?" He asked calmly, like if I had done he'd be totally cool with it, which he had already proved was a total lie.

I was going to say no, I couldn't kill anyone; I didn't have it in me! But then I remembered my rage the adamant feeling that I was going to do it. I wasn't myself but I was still... Me. I made the decision to at least threaten his life.

I shrugged, "I don't know... I don't wanna think about it. I almost dropped the knife and listened to you but at the same time, I almost brought it down on him. Why didn't you stop me?"

"I tried." Gilbert said, referencing him trying to talk me out of it.

"Not like that!" I leaned against a wall, I had so many questions to ask him, so much to say but I could wait just a little longer for that, "You could get me off him; you proved it when he had the glass... So why didn't you do it when I had the knife?"

"Well, Mattie," He slung his arm around my shoulders, he was being so annoyingly cheerful for a guy who had been boiling fury a few minutes ago, and was now bleeding from a flesh wound, "I think you are the most naive and stupid person I had met,"

"Gee, thanks." My voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"But," He carried on like I hadn't said anything, "I somehow respect you... I still hate you a bit for not telling me who you were and putting me in danger for being with you but I do respect you. I did not interfere by pushing you away because I knew that you were able to make the decision if we just talked it out a little!"

"But we never found out if I was gonna do it..."

He turned down the dopey cheerfulness just a little, "Yes, that is true."

"I guess we'll never know." I looked down. Did I really want to know? Probably not, but the question would always haunt me, I knew it would.

We both sighed, I felt bad already for dissing Gilbert's chirpiness, I could do with some positivity.

I think Gilbert must have noticed my gloom because, despite his injury he grinned at me, "We need to get out of here! We do not want to be caught."

He took my arm and pulled up my hood up for me, taking me towards the mains street but I resisted.

"What?" He asked, I usually went with him wherever he wanted to take me, but now I was seeing things in a whole other light.

"Um..." I pulled my arm from his grip, "You don't want to be seen with me, I could get you in trouble, remember?" I hated saying it, I wanted to walk down the street next to him but there was no way we could do that.

"Just keep your hood up and head down with your glasses off." He shrugged, barely reacting to my words.

"Are you sure...?" I slowly looked up at him.

"_Ja_!" He reached out and took my glasses from my face, shoving them in his back pocket, "It will all be okay!" His smile was so charming that I wanted to bury my face in him forever. I remembered the kiss he gave me with a rush. I wanted him to give me another one.

We walked out, side by side in the busy street, though I couldn't help but noticed that he wasn't talking to me and definitely keeping his distance. It's not that I didn't get why, it just hurt. It hurt to see him act so different around me. Just as I was maybe hoping that I had a chance at him he started to act like I was so venomous and knocking back all the hope I had developed.

We got back to his place, I noticed how he had started calling it 'his' again, right as I was starting to realise that he used to call it 'our' place. I sat down on his mattress and stared at my sleeping bag that still lay on the floor while he leaned against the wall and lit up a smoke.

We didn't say anything but unlike walking down the street together this felt comfortable, like we both knew we weren't talking, I and didn't have the feeling that only I was painfully aware of it.

He blew out smoke in my direction and I waved it away before I could choke on it and he gave a light chuckle before flicking it out into the allyway, finished with it.

I watched him as he climbed up through the hole on the ceiling and tossed down and envelope, I recognized it as the one that held my share of the money, it was only a little thinner from when I first trusted it in him.

I heard a grunt and knew he had picked up my bag, sliding himself back over the edge of the hole he took the bag down with him so he could set it against the wall where he had been smoking.

I knew what was coming; it was time I left, for good.

"Gilbert?" I asked, before he could go get anything else, I hated watching this. I couldn't stand it.

"What?" He looked at me again and I felt warm under his gaze.

"Back there... At Judas' apartment, um, I mean, just outside of it I saw a painting of yours..." I thought back to the dark colours and the violent streaks and edges that rendered his work almost unrecognizable.

"Oh, really?" He didn't sound surprised.

I nodded slowly, "Yeah... See, it was kinda dark and really broody and Judas said he could see it from his window and at first I kinda thought it was a coincidence but I overheard you two talking a little and now I'm thinking it isn't... a coincidence..."

He looked at me for a moment and sighed, gesturing from me to scoot over. I did and he sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I figured that since I'd be leaving him soon that maybe I could touch him too... I was slow and careful as I put my head on his shoulder; we had already kissed so how bad could it be to cuddle into him? I let out a soft breath as he accepted me advance on him and rested his head on mine for a moment.

"Mattie, it may be hard for you to believe, but I was once stupid like you." His fingers were sliding up my arm, it was so comforting.

"What happened?" I didn't want to pressure him, but I did want answers.

"That guy, the one you know as Judas, he tricked me too." He sounded almost irritated at himself.

I gasped sharply, but it made sense... Him mentioning that Judas could mess with him but not me... His anger, his hatred. I took his free hand and held it to my chest, "Oh, Gil'... How?"

He pulled his hand away, "Same way he tricked you." He let me go and stood up, pacing around the room angrily, "But nobody came to save me! I had my gang back then- I thought they were friends but I was tied down and cut open and they did not do shit."

I leaned forward, "He did what!?" He cut him open? How little did I know about this man?

He closed his eyes for a moment before starting to fiddle with pants, "I do not know if you have seen this but..." He pulled his clothes aside and revealed his scar to me, the one that I had seen once before when I had to undress him for bed when he was drunk, "The bastard stole my kidney." His expression was morbid.

I didn't say anything I just listened to him; I had no words that could possibly make this seem brighter for him. I stared at the scar for a moment before he yanked his shirt back down,

"It was horrible." He continued, "I was awake with nothing to sooth the fucking pain!" He kicked an empty paint can before sitting back neck to me, "I was lucky that the drug to keep me paralyzed failed so I escaped the moment he stitched me up."

"And so you did the painting to show how you felt?" I asked quietly.

He lay back and grabbed my arm to pull me down next to him, putting my head on his chest, "No. That hurt me but what was worse was what it made me into. I was already in gangs but I got worse, it was a time in my life that I never told you about. I took drugs and beat people up for money for the drugs..." He trailed off and I could feel the remorse around him, "I was out of control and such a bad guy." He stared up at the ceiling, "I pushed people away, my friends and my family- even Ludwig. I got..." He took a deep breath and for the first time I felt real concern for him, "I was a junkie and I just let time pass. He made a fucking monster out of me!" Suddenly he shouted, letting anger cover sadness again, "I spent so long being what he made me! ... Too long. Too fucking long, Mattie."

We spent a while like that, I basked in the story he told me, thinking of how painful it must have been to have his kidney pulled out, tied down and with no anaesthetic.

"That's who you didn't want me to become..." I remembered what he said to me when I was holding the knife above Judas' throat.

"What?" He had calmed down and looked at me.

"That's what you said to me, that you were scared that I was gonna become what you were afraid of, right?" I pressed my face to his good shoulder.

He nodded, "Promise me you will not go bad, Mattie? You are a good guy; I could not imagine you going through a time like that."

"Don't worry," I looked at him and gave a small smile, "I won't do that, I had you to save me, I haven't lost hope yet... That's what caused it, right? You were hopeless."

He shrugged, "I do not know... I have stopped caring, that is all over now."

"Yeah!" I tried to sound optimistic, "And what matters is how you are now! You know it, you're awesome now... You don't have to let your mistakes get you down."

"I know," He grinned, "I am very cool now. Probably the smoothest guy in Germany. I painted that thing you saw when I sent a guy to the hospital trying to mug him, he nearly died and it was all because of what happened to me, so I totally blamed Judas and wanted to show it."

I looked at him with wide eyes as he mentioned that he half killed a man, "W-What happened to the guy you mugged?"

"He is okay." He paused, "I think." He waved away the subject, "He did not die and I did not get caught so it is all good now."

I dropped the subject, "Did you get better after that?"

He nodded, "_Ja_. I started to feel in control of my body again, I did not need to be ruled by what he did to me. That is why I have all the piercings, some of them are from the dare I had when I was in my gang but many are from me proving that I was the one in control."

I smiled light heartedly, "I suppose that's a reasonable excuse to have dick piercings..."

He laughed loudly, "Hey! Do not make fun of them, they are sexy!"

"Oh really?" I was holding back my own laughter.

"Yes! I bet they feel great to anyone having sex with me!" He patted his crotch.

"Ew!" I covered my face with my hands, "That's just gross."

He patted my head, "Do not be a prude..." He sat up suddenly, "I also got this done."

He pulled off his shirt and revealed his jet black back tattoo of a griffin, spreading its wings. I had seen this before too, the same time I saw the scar and I wanted to touch it again, but held back.

"It's beautiful..." I repeated the thoughts I had when I first saw the tattoo.

"It often means strength in war," He turned to me, slipping his shirt back on, "And that is what I needed."

I smiled at him, "And it'll always be with you."

"That was the plan! Amazing right? Now I have a force field to bullshit that gets me down~!" He laughed at his own genius, "God, I am good."

We spent a few moments looking at each other before Gilbert decided to break the news, "I have all your stuff here, and it is time you left, Mattie."

I looked to where my bag was sitting and felt like my heart was being torn out and thrown away. It was really hitting me, I was going away now. I'd never see Gilbert again; the only reason why I was still here at all was because I got lucky that he found me, the odds of that happening another time were so small.

This was the end, and I hadn't even told him I loved him.

"I don't want to go..." I whispered hoarsely. I felt like Gilbert had parked a truck on my chest.

"Too bad." He told me as he grabbed my bag for me, he was acting so nonchalant about saying goodbye and it hurt in an unexplainable way.

"So this is just it?" I rose to my feet, looking at him accusingly, "This is my heartfelt goodbye?" I felt selfish to expect more but I couldn't help it. Gilbert and I were friends now, friends at the very least and he didn't even seem to care!

He looked mildly ticked off, "What? Do you want me to break down and cry? I am not cry baby like you."

I looked at the ground, "I can't leave you... Please don't make me go."

"You have to." He spoke calmly, but didn't sound sad.

"But I can't!" I ran over and grabbed his arm, "I can't just leave!"

He looked at me and I saw pity in his eyes. Pity? Was that it? "You know that staying here is too risky for me!" He stepped away from me, "I want you to go home. You got what you wanted, everyone is looking for you, and you have the attention you wanted."

I shook my head slowly, "That's not what I want anymore."

He reached out and tilted my chin to look at him, "It is what you wanted when you came, and you can get what you want now at home. This is too dangerous for us both, go to the Canadian embassy and they will get you home nice and easy. Or find a cop."

"What I want is right here, with you!" I raised my voice in a bleak attempt at getting my point across but I knew that he had made up his mind. I was leaving. My time with Gilbert had finished.

"Go home!" He repeated like if he said it again I'd listen, "You are not suited for street life!"

"But I love you!" It came out of my mouth before I could stop it and even though I registered it and tried to stop myself, the words kept pouring out, "I've fallen in love with you Gilbert, and I can't help it anymore! Whenever you touch me it feels I never be as happy again and my body is full of bees! Please don't make me go, Gilbert! Please, please... I need you." I put my head on his chest.

We were both quiet for a moment. I thought I would regret my sudden confession but it was strange, I felt lighter now. Like I was going to float away and I needed Gilbert to keep me grounded.

"Mattie..." He began and I looked up at him, anticipating his answer to me, "Do not make this harder than it is, just go."

I felt my mouth go dry. I was afraid of rejection but I had no idea how much worse this could be. He just disregarded my feelings entirely. I wanted to disappear; I was hurt and so embarrassed. No, not hurt; crushed, gutted, trampled upon. He acted like he hadn't even heard me, or worse, just hadn't listened. My love was just so unimportant to him that he could gloss over it like it was...

Nothing.

And that's all I was to him. Judas was right; I was just an undesirable person.

"But you kissed me..." I said quietly, the urgency gone from my voice like it had been knocked out of me as he broke my heart. He hadn't rejected me, he hadn't accepted me, he just ignored me. Left me so hurt without even closure.

"That was nothing," He told me, hitting me again with his words and digging the hole deeper, "It was awesome to have a companion for a while, Mattie, the rent you gave me was great, but unfortunately you ran away and lied to me. Now the whole world thinks you were kidnapped. _Tschüss__!"_

"It was nothing..." I repeated before looking up at him again, "Was this all nothing to you? Touching me so much and making me feel like I was the only one you cared about?" I carried on before he got a chance to answer, "Goodbye, Gilbert."

I took my bag and looked at him once more, knowing that my memories of him would be all I had before picking up my sleeping bag, deciding to roll it up far away from here and pulling my hood up again.

He didn't reply, just watched as I left, heartbroken.


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: Wooo past 50 reviews! Thank youu_

**Fourteen.**

_**Two months later...**_

First the money ran out, and then it was my hope that went.

After leaving Gilbert I spent a lot of time just wandering the city, I didn't talk to anyone and I spent far too much sitting in backstreets doing nothing. I got bother from loads of bad guys and junkies but I didn't make any mistakes like I did with Judas and most of the people who talked to me were either too oblivious or too whacked out of their minds to recognise me.

I was way too frivolous with my money, I bought stupid things but I guess I was still too stupid to realize that the money I had was all I had. I was surprised for some reason, when I found myself down to my last five Euros, and then I had nothing, I spent it on a dumb breakfast that I could have probably done without and then I was truly desperate.

I was scarily skinny, exhausted, and alone after two months without Gilbert, two months on the street. I hadn't seen a mirror, I had barely been washing, and when I did, I didn't bother looking at myself, but I had I pretty good idea of what I looked like- greasy thin hair that was getting too long, glasses that were dirty, dull eyes, sunken cheeks, all in all, I was probably gross.

So, two months later, I decided 'hey, Gilbert was right; this sucks and might not be right for me. Time to head home.' Except it wasn't like that. If it was like that I would have been home a long time ago, warm in my own bed in a room that wasn't a backstreet that smelled of human urine. It was a hard choice to make because it meant letting go of everything I gained here. I didn't gain much, but what I did get was so much more than the attention I came for. So much more.

I didn't have much that I was proud of as those days past but managing to find the Canadian embassy was something I allowed myself to be pleased about.

It was a kind of plain building, I expected something a little flashier but I wasn't complaining, this place was my ticket home. It was night time, by morning I could have spoken to my parents again. I was meters away, standing in the shadows and gazing at the main doors to the place with my bag at my feet.

So why couldn't I get myself to move and go in there?

This is what I wanted, right? I had given up all hope, this was my last option, and I was verging on death here.

But I just make myself move! It was like I was frozen, or like I had hit a glass wall but I just couldn't force myself to go in there.

Why? I had just managed to let go of Gilbert so why the heck was I standing here, he was the only reason why I'd possibly stay!

I looked down, my ragged pants were soaked in the puddle I was standing in, and my feet were soaked through my leaking shoes and I just couldn't move them.

I wasn't going home.

Not today anyway.

But Gilbert had rejected me in the most hurtful way he could, I had no reason to want to stay with him but I really just couldn't go in there.

Maybe this had become my life now, more like home than my real home was.

With nothing left to do, say, or think I turned away. I picked up my bag, that was considerably lighter than it once was, and started walking away. This was so stupid, why couldn't I just go home and leave this all behind! Coming here was all a big mistake!

I lashed out suddenly and kicked a near trash can in frustration. The noise was more than I expected and I winced and the deafening crash that apparently not only shocked me but someone else nearby.

"Was zum Teufel, Mann?! Beruhigen Sie sich!" The other guy yelled and then I heard a surprised, incredulous laugh, "Mattie?"

"Eh?" I was going to ignore him, but that got my attention. Did this person recognise me? There was only one other person in Berlin that called me that, "G-Gilbert!"

"I did not expect to see you again..." He stepped out into the light and my breath hitched.

He looked the same as when I saw him but over the past months I guess I had started to forget his face because I could feel his incredible good looks strike me all over again. His tousled white hair that seemed to stick up in all the right places, his mischievous youthful grin that seemed almost animated in the way one corner of his mouth rose higher than the other, even the piercings that covered his face seemed to give him a look of grungy handsomeness. And then there was his lean body... He wasn't buff, but he was toned, his clothes were dirty and tatty but still somehow clung to him perfectly, leaving just enough to the imagination to make this hobo sexy.

"I didn't either..." My voice was small, I didn't understand this at all, last time we saw each other I confessed my love to him and he told me he wanted nothing to do with me, so why was he acting so pleased? It was almost offensive the way he just sauntered over, like him hurting my feelings, totally ignoring how I felt, kissing me and telling it was nothing didn't even matter.

"I knew you were not back home, the papers did not say they found you..." He looked at me with an aura of wonder, "I am very glad to see that you are okay."

"Yeah well..." I looked behind me, the embassy was right there but like a moth to a flame, Gilbert was unintentionally drawing me back in, "I'm glad I'm okay too, I guess."

He laughed, "Yes that is no surprise! Come and walk with me, I do not want to be seen with you!" He turned around but quickly stopped and looked back at me, glancing to the lit up embassy, "Unless you are going home now?"

The question was posed so casually that I felt like I should have been mad, he was asking me like I bumped into him at a bus stop and he had just asked me to get a coffee with him, not truly, and this time for good, disappear from his life forever.

But there was just something kinda different that told me that the wording of the question wasn't all there was too it... He sounded kinda worried. I didn't know why, but I sure did want to. And there was only one way to find out all the answers to his sudden reverse of attitude.

And let's face it; I wasn't going home today, despite all my mental persuasion, and Gilbert was doing it again, just being him and somehow making me feel like I would want nothing more than to follow him.

"No, I'm not..." I shuffled closer to him, "Where are we going?"

"I need a certain kind of paint from some place near here, follow me!" He linked arms with me and started to pull me along in the direction he was heading.

I followed him for just a few seconds before giving a distressed sigh and pulling my arm away.

He blinked at me, shying away from his touching had never happened before, "Mattie?" he asked.

"I'm not gonna stick around so close to you, Gilbert. You could get in trouble."

He wrinkled his nose at the idea and rolled his eyes, "That will not happen if you do not show your face, come on!" He reached for my hand but I pulled away from him.

"No! You're the one who made me so paranoid about getting you in trouble; don't act like it's nothing all of a sudden!" Even if Gilbert was a jerk last time we saw one another, I didn't want him in trouble. He had been so kind to me before.

He rubbed his temple, and I crossed my arms. He could think what he wanted right now, he came to me and it was him who made me worry about all this.

He looked at me again, his grin was back and he patted my shoulder, letting his hand fall to his side again without trying to grab mine, "You have turned into an okay guy, Mattie! I might have been wrong; time out here has done you good! And I am never wrong."

I didn't quite agree. Had he seen me? I wasn't exactly top of my game right now, I was desperately malnourished and just plain unhealthy, and time here had not 'done me good'. More like the opposite.

"Yeah well just keep your distance, okay? We don't know each other right now."

Hi eyes widened like I had just given him state secrets. He winked and put a finger to his lips, acting like it was all a big conspiracy.

"Right." He put on his most serious expression and started to walk where we were headed before. He was trying way too hard, and looked like something had been shoved up his butt, but I guess he had never really had to 'act natural' before, given that he wasn't really a natural guy.

I followed him, keeping as much distance between us as I would with a stranger, glancing up from the ground only occasionally to make sure his back was still in front of me, walking in that silly way that made him look like he was the shiftiest guy around. It was almost sweet.

We carried on this way, and just as I was starting to feel the strain of my bag, Gilbert whirled around and gave me a wink, pointing to a shabby store that I didn't even realise was a functional place until I nodded he entered. He opened the door and I could see light coming from the doorway as well as roaring laughter and other strange noises before Gilbert stepped through what had to be another world and the wooden door slammed shut and it returned to looking like a rundown crack den.

Deciding that it was a bad idea to follow him in, I stopped for a break, dumping my bag down against the wall and settling down on top of it, using it as a seat.

I was there for ten minutes before I started to wonder what he was doing, how long did it take for a guy to buy some paint, just as I was about to get up and look for a window to spy on him, the light filled the street again as well as the noise and Gilbert poked his head out.

"Are you not coming in?" He asked, as if following him into a busy public place was the obvious thing to do.

"Is that a good idea? It sounds like there's a lot of people in there..." I flinched as some bald guy leaned out the doorway next to Gilbert and said something that made him laugh.

"What was that?!" I watched as baldy stumbled back inside, "What did he say?" He probably saw my face, which was enough to set me on edge.

"Nothing you should worry about, come on in!" He beckoned me, "Nobody will care who you are."

"How do you know that?" I could hear the sounds of something breaking in there, it didn't sound like my thing.

He leaned on the door frame and gave a small laugh, "The guy who owns this place has done time in prison."

"So?" I stood up, "He might be a changed man! He might be a cop now!"

"He _used_ to be a cop," Gilbert informed me, "Now he owns this place!"

I peeked over his shoulder into the lively store, "What even is 'this place'?"

"It is like a... Store for street art supplies as well as a bar and there is a guy in there that does tattoos if you suck him off."

I looked at him, shocked, "Is that how you got your tattoo?"

He smiled like I was joking, but I'm not certain I was, "I got mine at a place where the tattoo artist has not had many beers." He held out a hand to me, "Let us go in! I am getting called for."

"I can't!" I shook my head quickly, "I'll be recognized!"

"Do not worry about it!" He punched my arm playfully.

"But I am worrying and you should too!" I stepped back, "Last time we saw each other you were totally freaking out about being caught and so was I! And I still am! I'm not going in, Gilbert, I'm..." I trailed off, I couldn't leave, I had just found him again and even though it didn't feel right... I was getting butterflies when he looked at me I was... Happy to see him, "I'm staying here." I decided.

He sighed and glanced inside again, "Please? I will feel bad leaving you and that is not good for my cool reputation in there!"

I rolled my eyes, "I don't care."

This wasn't right, we shouldn't have been fighting. We had only just reunited, something I thought I'd only be able to wish for and here we were... Bickering.

"I'm sorry..." I said, "I just get nervous these days." I could at least defend my reasoning for not going with him.

"Yes, yes..." He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his palm, "Wait one second."

He disappeared into again, back inside, leaving me alone again.

When he said that I only had to wait one second, he wasn't lying; he was back out in an instant, this time with a few cans of paint under his arm.

"Didn't you want to stay there for a while?" I tried to peek in again but the door swung shut as he exited the store.

He shrugged and gave me two of the cans to carry, "You were not coming so you would have to sit outside."

"I would have waited." I looked back at the dingy building as we headed away from it.

"Whatever," He gave me a pat on the back as we walked side by side before he started to speed up and go on ahead, "We do not know each other remember? That is what you wanted."

"Oh yeah..." I stated to slow down to get some space between us, "Thanks!" I called after him, he respected that it made me uncomfortable having him so close in public.

"I trust you!" He called back before we both fell silent. What was that meant to mean? Could it be that he suddenly started to think that I knew what was best for him? That wasn't true, it couldn't be...

We continued on and I wondered where it was that we were headed to next, did Gilbert have other stuff to buy? It seemed pointless for me to tag along while he was out if we weren't even gonna talk.

It was gradual, but slowly I started to recognize stuff around us, I knew where we were, and I wasn't sure that taking me here was the right thing to do. We were only two minutes walk away from Gilbert's place.

I looked around and checked three times that no one was around in the dark streets before jogging up and catching his arm,

"Mattie?!" He looked at me, "I thought you did not know me right now?"

I ignored what he said, "Why are you taking me back here!?" I kept my voice quiet, just in case someone could hear us.

"This is where we live!" He narrowed his eyes at me, like I was stupid to even wonder why he was bringing me back to where he had been so quick to kick me out of.

I huffed, "Don't say that! You're acting like the last two months didn't happen!"

Were we gonna have another argument? Maybe that was all his fault. What was he trying to do? He had offered no explanation as to why he was getting all buddy-buddy with me again after hurting me and making out he never wanted to see me.

He pulled me around a corner, and there it was, the empty store unit. It hadn't changed even a little and maybe that was why the feeling of nostalgia that came over me was so intense.

"We are here!" He grinned and stepped inside, he walked into what he called home before turning around to look at me, "Come in."

I shifted from foot to foot. Going in was probably a bad idea, it would just make me feel attached to Gilbert all over again but nevertheless... I walked inside.

The first thing I noticed when I entered was like a punch in the face.

The polar bear that I had painted for Gilbert when he was hung-over and couldn't work... It was ruined. It wasn't even visible. He had blacked it out, now it was just a dark mark on the wall.

"Y-You got rid of him..." I said, not taking my eyes off what used to be a mediocre polar bear.

"What? " Gilbert looked at me before following my gaze to see what I was staring at, "Oh. That."

We both just looked at it for a moment before I finally spoke, "It's okay. It wasn't even that good."

He sat down on his mattress and smiled again, "So how have you been?" He stretched and lay back.

"Fine." I said quickly, though that wasn't exactly true.

"Really?" He leaned back on his elbows, to look at me. He couldn't see the state of me in the dark, which was probably a good thing.

"Yeah it was..." I trailed off, there was no way that I could keep up this charade, "Oh, Gilbert! It was horrible!" I cried out and I could see him sitting up, startled.

"What, you said it was-" He began but I cut him off,

"I know! I know!" I sniffed and slid down against the wall to the floor, "But I hated it Gilbert! I ran out of money and I puked three times when I first ate garbage!" I buried my head in my hands, "Have you seen me! I look and feel disgusting!"

I sat there for a moment before I felt an arm wrap around my side and pull me closer. I looked up to see Gilbert smiling softly.

"It is rough." He agreed, "And you could make no money."

"W-Well," I leaned back against the wall, instead of on him, "You're not helping."

"Huh?" He looked at me, obviously he was all ready to be a shoulder to cry on, not ready to be called out on anything, "How?!"

"Why are you acting like the past two months never happened? Just taking me back here when you kicked me out and told me that we couldn't see each other!" I looked at him.

He looked at me for a moment before sighing and looking around the room, "Mattie..." He said, and his voice sounded sad, "I know I am really great but..." He put his head on my shoulder, "Without you I have been... So, so lonely."

And I could see that he was without a doubt speaking truth.


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: I've been listening to punk rock nonstop lately... Anyway! Enjoy, thank you for reading and remember to review 3 xx_

**Fifthteen.**

"What do you mean you were lonely?" I looked at Gilbert quizzically, trying to figure out if I heard right.

"I did not like that you were gone, okay!?" He sounded defensive, almost shameful, "Soon after you left things got bad for me... I missed you," He confessed, "And that is not like me."

I breathed out. Did he really feel that way? Did he really get... Bad over me? That had never happened before and it was exactly the attention I craved however...

It didn't make me happy. Not at all.

It was funny; I realized it just a little before we parted... My old love for Gilbert had become less about the attention, as I left I wasn't thinking about what he gave to me I was just thinking about him. Him and him alone.

Something was changing. I didn't know if I liked it.

"How did they get bad?" I sounded less accusing now.

He sighed roughly and put his head back against the wall, "I started smoking weed every day, sometimes I just would not go to work. I would just sleep, smoke weed and tobacco, drink a little and jack off. I did not eat much, I never slept at the right times and barely even do my art anymore. And I thought about you."

I took it all in and tried not to judge him, "Y-You're smoking weed?"

He shook his head slowly, "I have been making myself stop; it is not good." His eyes flickered over to me, "Do not do drugs, Mattie."

I gave a sad smile, "I love your art."

"I know. That is why I stopped. My money will run out soon but when I try to do it, I think of you and I think of how alone I am and I just get angry and sad."

"So then you just get high." I finished for him and he nodded slowly.

"It is strange, I loved being alone before you started being around, I am just too awesome and no one else can match how great my own company is. But now I do not like it."

We both sat in silence before I started to speak,

"You kicked me out three times Gil'." I reminded him, "And every time you were acting cruel or angry and they all hurt pretty bad. Why should I stay?"

I looked at him and he looked pained, if I didn't know Gilbert better I would have almost said he looked remorseful, "All that was different..."

"So? And now you were just acting like nothing had happened, like you totally just didn't kick me out in a really hurtful way for a _third_ time." It was all coming back, the heartache and the disregard he had. I couldn't just come back and trust him like I had done.

"You do not trust me..." He said, as if reading my mind.

"That's right." I pulled my knees to my chest, "I don't, and it was stupid that I spent so long depending on you."

"Stay here." He sounded like he was trying to command me but it came out as a plea.

It was true that I had nowhere else to turn; I was not exactly in a good place, physically or mentally.

"I don't have any money; I couldn't pay rent or anything. It ran out ages ago." I wasn't sure if I was making an excuse or giving a warning.

He shrugged, "I do not care so much, you can pay me in..." Suddenly he looked embarrassed, his nose crinkling he looked to one side.

"In what?" A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, this was a strangely sweet scene.

"Being my friend." He spat it out like it was a curse.

I laughed a little, "Come on, it isn't that embarrassing to talk about!" I gave his arm a light shove.

"I have never had to ask before!" He scowled, turning his back to me and folding his arms, "Everyone comes to me! And usually I reject them because they are not good enough."

I rubbed his shoulder, "Oh Gil', you are so immature." I chided him softly.

"Shut up." He growled, "I am a grown man." He looked over his shoulder and I could see his pout.

"That has nothing to do with it." I pushed up my glasses and raised an eyebrow.

He begrudgingly turned around, "So you will stay?"

I hesitated for a moment. I didn't have to say yes, I could tell him that he had hurt me enough and I could walk out and leave him alone. But I could still feel the smile on my lips from just talking to this weird guy and I had nowhere else to go. If I was careful, this could be okay.

"Yeah." He broke into a smile the moment I uttered the word and as my heart fluttered I wondered if I had made a terrible mistake, he could smash down and ruin this all at any moment.

But I knew him better than that, he wasn't a mean guy. He was just conceited and said mean things. And he was my friend. My best friend.

"Welcome back!" He cheered and I knew that that was the closest to a thank you I'd get. Gilbert didn't do thank yous.

"I'm not putting all my trust in you again!" I said quickly, "And I can't depend on you to be all I have to keep me stable."

He grinned, nodding and I was happy to see that what I was telling him was well received, "Look at my Mattie," He sounded strangely proud of me, "You are so grown up now!"

"No I'm not." I assured him, "I've not really changed. It just took me being burned three times before I learned not to touch the stove."

He looked at me for a moment before shaking his head, "That sounds really dumb."

I frowned, "I know... I couldn't come up with a metaphor fast enough." I offered a half smile.

"Whatever, whatever," He leaned over and ruffled my hair, "You are not hiding anymore secrets from me, right?"

"Right! Nothing dangerous." I fixed him with a look of reassurance; I was done keeping things from him. It never ended well.

"Good. But now that I know everything, things still cannot be same." He stretched out, yawning. We were both tried, but I wasn't settling down anywhere until I had a shower at least.

"I know." I rubbed my eyes, "You were the one getting all up close to me earlier though. I was the one who made sure you didn't get arrested in the end."

He shrugged, "I was probably just excited or something." He muttered and I could just tell he was rolling his eyes and behaving like he was above acting like that.

I smiled, though it was so dark now he could barely see it, "Excited about _me_?" Even if my feelings about him weren't certain anymore, hearing that still made me feel pretty good.

He coughed, realising he had said too much, "Well...! No! I mean... Yes... I was just excited!" He spluttered.

I settled down against the wall so that I was almost lying down and my eyelids felt heavy. For the first time in two months I felt safe. But for the first time in my life I felt safe for myself, not just because of Gilbert, who was still making excuses next to me.

**x++x**

I woke up some four hours later and felt gross. Gilbert was next to me; we were both lying in funny positions on the hard floor and hadn't moved since we sat down here.

"Gil'..." I shook his shoulder. Ugh, how did I manage to fall asleep, I was still dirty, hungry and stank. Now I had a gross taste in my mouth and my neck hurt, "Gil'!" I tried again, rubbing my eyes.

"Hn." He shifted but didn't open his eyes.

"Giiiilbeeeert..." I cooed and prodded his face.

He rolled over and faced me, his eyes slowly opening, "Mattie? Is that you?" His voice was hoarse like mine as he squinted in the dark.

"Yeah. We both fell asleep here." I was about to get up when suddenly a hand grabbed my arm and pulled back down.

I took me a moment to realize that I was being hugged tightly. It was Gilbert, and from what I could hear from his breathing in my ear, he was getting quite emotional.

"Mattie..." He wasn't crying but he sounded close, "_Mein Gott_... I have not slept so well since you left... You are back! You are back!"

I patted his back, he obviously wasn't lying about finding things tough without me, "Yeah, I am... Hello again, Gilbert."

He took a deep breath before letting go, "Come on, I think it is time for a midnight snack." He dropped the sentimental attitude and acted his cool self again.

"I want a shower." I helped him up and we both stretched out after being curled up for those hours.

"Fine. I will have one too."

We walked together on the way to the public bathroom down the street, it was the small hours of the morning now so we decided that it was safe enough to walk side by side as long as we were careful,

"Do you want to stop by a launderette?" He asked as we drew near the bathroom, "You stink Mattie; your clothes have not been washed in ages I bet." He sounded like he was joking but we both knew it was true.

"Um... I only have these pants..." I looked down at my grimy jeans; it was kinda embarrassing to admit that over the past few months I had discarded most of my clothes because I didn't like how heavy my bag was.

He thought for a minute, "I guess it is bad for you to go to a place like that anyway," He pinched my sweater sleeve for a moment inspecting it, it was damp and hadn't been washed in so many weeks, "Well, I am not letting you wear it like that. I will take it out after you go back, as well as the rest of your clothes."

I smiled, that was kind of him, "T-Thanks... That would be nice." And it would be nice to have someone take care of something for me after what felt like ages.

"I will not let you wear dirty clothes." He retorted.

We were moments away now; I could see the light of the bathroom shining brightly.

"Hey Gilbert..." I felt myself starting to grin, "You're kind of a neat freak, aren't you?"

"What?!" He gave a few incredulous laughs, "Why the fuck would you think that? I am too cool to worry about that! Hold the door open for me!" He ushered me to the door and I opened it for him to stroll on through.

"Your place is neat and you keep things in order..." I reasoned once I saw that we were alone, keeping my back to the camera in the corner, "You don't ever wear dirty clothes and you're always clean shaven..." I found myself laughing happily; it was amazing how quickly I could feel at ease with this guy, "You're a neat freak!" A twenty-two year old street artist was the one who I managed to feel so comfortable with, even though he used to seem so unobtainable... It made me feel pretty special.

He rolled his eyes and picked a shower stall, "Bullshit."

I took the shower stall next to him and I heard him undressing so I started to peel off my own clothes and it felt somehow incredibly liberating to be free of them. I hadn't taken any of my clothes in days.

I was just starting to get ready for a silent shower, Gilbert had started the water so I assumed he wasn't gonna talk to me but before I could even get my hair wet, his voice floated through the room.

"Oi, Mattie..." He was nervous.

"Yeah?" I squirted some of the unscented soap into my palm, plenty of it; I was going for a thick, full body lather.

"You did not get any more trouble from _that guy_ did you?" I could hear strange wet sounds coming from Gilbert's stall.

"Gilbert, what are you doing in there?" I asked, it sounded like a very odd way to wash.

He got all defensive, "I am doing my arms!"

I looked at the wall of the plastic that separated Gilbert and me, "Really?"

"I am thorough." He stated, confidently.

I had no idea if that's what he was really doing but didn't fancy going to check, "Sure you are." I was gonna have to get used to his antics again...

"So did you?" He said, this time sounding serious.

"Did I what?" I swept my hair back and got some more soap to wash the grease out.

"Get any more trouble?" He was surprisingly patient.

"Well yeah, my money ran out and I had nowhere to go... That was trouble." I didn't think it was possible to end up on the streets without trouble.

"Not that!" I could hear him sigh, "I am talking about _him_..." There was more splashing and a thump. What the heck was he doing in there?

"Who?" I decided not to ask what the commotion was.

"Tch." I could almost feel his annoyed expression, "Do not tell me I rescued you, spilled my life story and almost got stabbed for you to forget it all."

My blood ran cold as I realised who he was talking about. Judas, the man who almost sold off my organs and that almost died at my hand. Judas.

"I'm kinda trying to forget him..." I said, my voice was small; Judas was not anyone I liked talking about.

"But did you? Just yes or no." Gilbert insisted.

I thought, he had given me plenty trouble after I left Gilbert but never made an appearance outside of the night terrors I got. "Not directly." I kept my reply short.

"What does that mean?" He asked quickly, and I heard him turning of the water he was using. I stood still; the mention of Judas had me frozen.

"Well..." I began, just thinking about it filled me with an anxiety, "I got a few nightmares."

He snorted. I bit my lip, was he laughing at me? That was a little offensive... But then he spoke again, "So do I... They have come back for me too."

"Well you don't need to laugh about it!" I started washing my hair properly.

"I just think you should get used to them, they will last a long time." I heard him getting out of his shower stall and watched his feet as he went to the basin to shave.

"Reassuring, Gil'." I rolled my eyes and rinsed off.

He knocked on my door, telling me to hurry, "You will be okay, I can protect you now. We both know with me you will be very safe."

"You can't even look after yourself! Deal with that first." I looked at my dirty clothes, "Is there anything of yours I could wear for walking back?"

"Aha!" He exclaimed triumphantly and clapped his hands together, "Who cannot look after themselves now?! Not me!" He was laughing, for some reason.

I huffed, turning off the flow of water, "It's okay, and I can wear my own..." I started drying myself with my sweater.

He stopped laughing as he took a deep satisfied breath and I heard something unzipping. Next thing I knew, Gilbert's black sweater was hanging over the door.

"You can wear this." He said charitably, "But only as we walk back! I will not lend you my pants!"

I looked at the sweater in surprise before smiling and pulling it down and putting it on, not bothering with a shirt underneath; it was big enough as it was.

"Thanks..." I sounded mildly surprised as I slipped my arms into the sleeves, it was softer than I expected and still warm from him wearing it, "The pants would be too big anyway." I passed that part off. He had given me his sweater, the one that he always wore... That was a kind enough gesture.

I could hear another laugh but this one was different. I was softer, "Why do you sound like that? You should not be surprised I was always a great guy!"

I smiled though I knew I couldn't be seen, "I know. I'm glad to be back."

He knocked on the door again, "Yes, I am glad you are here, blah, blah, blah! Hurry up, I want to get to bed for sunrise!"

"I'm coming!" I slipped into my underwear and pants before opening up the door and seeing Gilbert...

And he was a sight without his sweater.

Of course, I had seen him sweater-less before but that wasn't much, so I hadn't seen very many of his shirts, or whatever else he wore underneath it.

I put a hand over my mouth as I saw the shirt that he had consciously chosen to put on today. It was short, I got a peek of his midriff underneath and it was tight too, like it was a second skin that lest nothing to the imagination. It looked two sizes too small; it was leopard print and had a ridiculously low V neck that he gone past sexy and now qualified as the most douchey V neck that I had ever seen.

"Gilbert..." I was whimpering as I took in the horrible fashion choice.

"What?" He didn't understand why the colour had drained from my face and even turned around to check if it was something behind him.

I was embarrassed for him, I knew that he didn't have much money to spend but I had seen better clothes in the dollar store than that... thing.

"It's... That shirt..." I wanted to physically back away from it.

He suddenly beamed at me, he was certainly glad to have it noticed. I did always think that his clothes were a little tame for him... I understood it all now.

"You like it?" He spread his arms wide and gave me a spin. I thought it couldn't have gotten any worse, but as I saw the skull on the back made of glitter, I realised that it really could.

I put my head in my hands. Should I laugh or cry? "It's awful!"

I peeked through the fingers of my hands that covered my eyes and saw Gilbert taken aback, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?" he pulled the fabric out so he could admire it, "This one is my favourite. It makes me look sexy."

I could literally not think of anything less sexy than that shirt, "Please just tell me that all your other clothes are dirty."

"Hey!" He hit me playfully and I stumbled back, "That is not cool, this brings out my abs!" He ran his hands down his chest.

I laughed a little, I couldn't deny that Gilbert had a good body but I wouldn't call him muscular, "What abs?"

"These babies!" he raised the shirt and flashed me his torso, there was some light definition there...

"Barely." I said frankly, "Besides... Leopard print?"

"Do not be fucking rude..." He said and pulled up my hood for me and grabbed my hand as we left, showing that disastrous shirt to the outside world. Good thing there was no one around, "It is eye catching and that is doing the world a favour! Everyone wants to look at me."

I just rolled my eyes. I couldn't counter that, because people probably did want to look at Gilbert, he was a good looking guy. Besides, I wasn't really that great with fashion either.

We got back quickly and I collapsed onto the bed exhausted. It had certainly been a long night.

"Okay," Gilbert rubbed his eyes and stood over me, "Give me you your clothes."

My eyes widened and I covered myself, "Why?!"

"I am washing them!" He laughed and kneeled down opposite me, "The laundrette, remember?"

I let out a long breath and laughed in relief, "Oh-oh yeah. Do you have to do that today?"

"_Ja_." He said, without hesitation, "Now, I want to get it done."

I bit my lip, "It's late..." I looked outside, I felt like the sun should have been _rising_ soon.

He grabbed a plastic bag and shoved my shirt and sweater that I had carried back into it, "Then you can go to sleep! Give me your pants." He wasn't gonna do this any other way.

Still, I kept trying, I would feel terrible if I let him just do everything for me on not even our first day reunited, "You can go in the morning..." He needed sleep too.

He looked annoyed and stood up, "Look, I really need a joint and I will not smoke one around you! I am going now; I will have one on the way." He gestured for me to take off the dirty clothes.

I felt my heart in my mouth as he confessed the real reason why he had such a need to go out in such small hours of the morning. I don't know why I hadn't expected something like that to be the reason, it isn't like I expected all his problems that he had gotten with his loneliness to just stop when I came back. But it still hit me like a blow to the chest; it was different from when he told me that he was on it, seeing it like this, as a part of his life was different. And it upset me.

I must have shown something on my face because he stopped talking so edgily and said with half attempted humour, "At least it is not coke."

I nodded quickly, that was true. What he was smoking wasn't as hard as other substances but it didn't make me feel that much better.

But I also realised something, he was refusing to smoke one around me. It would make me sad, he knew that, "That's..." I looked up at him sincerely, "Really sensitive. Thank you."

He raised one eyebrow, "Huh?" I could tell he was itching to go but I had to say thank you,

I pulled a blanket over myself, even if I didn't give him the dirty clothes he'd go out anyway to smoke some of that stuff, "You said you didn't want to smoke it with me around... That's really nice of you..." If anyone knew how insensitive Gilbert could be, it was me and knowing that he was going out just so I didn't have to see it... That wasn't like him. He was making an effort for me, and Gilbert never made an effort for anyone but himself.

He grabbed the edge of the hole in the ceiling as I slipped my pants off for him and called down to me, "It is not like it is a big deal or anything," His 'cool' act was as transparent as water, I could sense his blush. Gilbert always avoided looking at me when he was bashful of blushing, his albinism made it stand out so much it was kinda funny, "There will be no one to catch me if I do it outside anyway." He returned to ground level, shoving something in his pocket. He didn't want me to see, but I didn't even need to try and guess what it was.

I tossed my pants at him and he grabbed them, putting them in the bag of my clothes, "Still..." I paused, was this really the right thing to feel flattered about? This was Gilbert's issue not mine, he probably didn't want to do... What he was about to do... For many reasons, it wasn't all about my feelings, "I'm a little touched." I decided on, speaking quietly.

He held out his hand expectantly. I stared at it for a moment before looking at him,

"What?" I asked, he had what he wanted... He could go now...

He gave me a smirk, "Mattie, I need your underwear too. I bet they are not clean!"

Now it was my turn to flush red, I only had one pair of those... "My underwear? It's fine!" I covered my embarrassed face, "Just go!"

"Oh, Mattie!" He patted my head, "Do not think I will let you wear them when they are dirty. No one is doing something that gross here. And I want to wash my sweater too!" He pulled at the black sleeve, encouraging me to get it off.

I put my arms around myself, "Then I'll be naked..." I was technically outside after all. It would just be weird.

He winked at me, "That is great!" He laughed loudly. Jerk... As if I couldn't feel anymore weird about this.

I pressed my lips together crossly and thwacked him lightly over the head, "Gilbert!" I protested when he wouldn't stop laughing.

He gave a few extra giggles, "I am sorry, it is only for tonight." He seemed to attempt puppy dog eyes, "Please?" I had never seen someone so determined to wash my underwear before, and my mom was pretty hard to beat.

I glared at him for a few moments, more out of humiliation than anger. Though as bad as the pleading look he gave me was must have worked because I wriggled under the blanket, checking twice that he couldn't see before slipping them off and throwing them at him, cringing at the feeling of my bare butt on the mattress.

I sighed as I unzipped the sweater and handed it to him, he gave me a grin and I put a hand over his face. I felt very, very naked, especially with him looking at me.

I pulled his blanket up to my neck, "There. Happy now?"

He smiled and ruffled my hair, "_Ja_, I will be back in a while, so go to sleep, okay?" He stood up and started to go.

I settled down, Gilbert's blanket still covering my chin, "Gilbert?" I asked, he stopped in the doorway.

"_Ja_?" I felt bad for holding him up, I knew he was desperate to go.

I looked at him with some concern and some sadness, "Promise you'll try and stop smoking that stuff? I know it's none of my business but it's bad..."

I thought about saying more, explaining why I thought I should have any say in the matter even though I knew if he wanted to smoke dope he would smoke dope, but before I could think of anything he was kneeling beside me again.

He leaned forward and suddenly our foreheads were touching and his hand cupped the back of my neck, his eyes closed, "I promise Mattie." He drew back to look me in the eye, "I have you again I will not be lonely. But it will take time." He was looking at me, his scarlet eyes just visible enough for me to see how intense his gaze was.

I thought he was going to kiss me again like he did in Judas' house. I thought back to how his lips felt and how easy it was to fall into it all. I remembered never wanting to let him go as he drew back way too early for me.

But then I remembered his rejection. Ignoring my feelings for him. Telling me the last time he kissed me was nothing and it hurt almost as much as hearing it had. That feeling of my heart splitting in two.

I turned over, not giving him the chance to lean in though I'm certain he was already halfway there, "I know. Now go do your laundry if it matters so much... And come straight back here. You need sleep too."

I heard shuffling as he slowly stood up. I refused to turn around and look at the facial expression he was pulling, "Right. Goodnight Mattie." He sounded surprised and almost hurt. I didn't want him to be hurt, I really didn't.

But I knew that if I let him kiss me I would be the one who got hurt... Him kissing me meant nothing anyway. He said it himself.


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N: My goodness. Maple-ice-cream PLEASE DO carry on with that fan art! I'm so honoured that _anyone_ would take the time to do something like that and I was so touched I cried a little... So if you're still here I'd love you to carry one with it! And I bet your art is wonderful xx I would have said this over pm but you were on guest :O  
Anyone else who even thinks about making fanart/amvs/whatever your heart desires is more than welcome to, it would complete my life...~  
Enjoy this chapter anyway, thank you for reading!_

**Six-teen.**

Even though being so naked made me feel a little weird, I still got to sleep pretty soon after Gilbert left. I was tired, the nap we both accidently had earlier in the night didn't really help.

The strange part came when I woke up; I was still in Gilbert's bed.

I sorta curled up here and dozed off when he left but I never expected him to let me stay here when he got back. I sat up quickly; wincing at the pain in my head I got from getting up too quick, and looked around for him.

He wasn't here; there wasn't any sign of him ever being here... Nothing out that he could have slept on... He could have been so tired he got back here and just collapsed on the floor, woke up early and went to work but he hadn't even left me out breakfast.

I tried to reassure myself, there wasn't any breakfast because I told him I didn't want to be dependent on him, it was as simple as that...

But even the clothes he had taken to wash weren't out. I gripped the blanket hard.

He really hadn't come back at all last night, had he?

I ran my fingers through my hair; I had to go look for him... But I was naked and had no idea where to start. I had never figured out which laundrette he used, and even then he might have been nowhere near there... It was hopeless.

But I wasn't helping at all by sitting here and freaking out about it, I had to do something. I needed clothes... If I rummaged deep enough in my bag I might have found something but I wasn't counting on it.

I looked around for some of his clothes to wear but there was nothing in the room, not even his spray paints. With a determined look, I fixed my gaze on the hole in the ceiling. He must have put them up there.

I readied myself before taking the steps up to the wall. My body felt cool in the open air, but my decency wasn't the biggest thing on my mind.

I took my run and jump up to the hole in the ceiling; I got it on the second try and started to squirm. My sternum and right down to my abdomen was getting bruised and scratched as I worked my way up, my arms were burning as I pushed up from my elbows, my legs failing as I tried to find some kind of way to use them to push myself up from the air and over the ledge.

I got one leg over the side and used all I had to roll myself up. My bare feet gripping and pulling at the rest of me.

With a final heave and a cry, I was up. I scrambled to my feet not taking the time to catch my breath. Pushing up the glasses that had half fallen off my face I looked around for something to wear.

Thankfully, the clothes weren't too big on me. I chose some pants with an elastic waist band with more holes that I could count and a red shirt that had some kind of German slogan on it.

I didn't bother with shoes; I just slipped back down from the hole in the ceiling and headed out of there. I had to find him, even if it put me in danger of being caught. Knowing he had been getting high last night only made things worse, it meant anything could have happened to him!

Lucky for me, I didn't have to look far... As soon as I left I spotted a heap down the alleyway. It was Gilbert, passed out and not moving.

I gasped, "Gilbert!" Running towards him I stopped and crouched beside him, shaking him. He was still warm, thank goodness, breathing too.

I grabbed the bag of clothes and took a deep breath to smell them. They were clean; he had been coming back when he fainted.

I sat back and put my head in my hands, "Oh Gilbert... Oh my god..." I took deep breaths; I couldn't get him to stir.

"Nnmmph..." He made a noise and I sat up.

I shook him by the shoulder repeating his name like I was taught in a class once as a warm hope filled me up, "Gilbert! Gilbert!"

He gave a long loud groan, grabbing his hand I clutched it and held it to my chest, "Oh thank gosh... thank gosh, thank gosh!" I laughed, light headed with relief. He was fine...

He rubbed his head, "_Scheisse..._" Sitting up slowly he looked at me, "Mattie."

I nodded encouragingly, just relieved to see that he was fine. He seemed worse than this when he had a hangover, this wasn't anything he couldn't get through, "Yeah, It's me, you're fine..." The string of reassurance came quickly from my lips.

He rubbed his eyes, squinting as he looked around the dirty backstreet, "What the..." he began but stopped, "Fuck!" He gasped his red eyes wide as he wrenched his hand away.

I tried to stop him, "Gilbert, what are you-" I stopped as soon as I realised what he was doing and averted my eyes in disgust as he faced the wall and puked. I shut my eyes and covered up my ears trying to ignore him purging his guts out in front of me.

I shyly opened my eyes and opened my ears again, thankful to see that Gilbert had stopped and was examining his pool of... Whatever he had last eaten, "Gross." He remarked and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

I wrinkled my nose, "Yeah..." I agreed, "Pretty gross..." I got to my feel and grabbed his upper arm, "Let's go inside." I gave him a tug.

He was compliant and followed me in, sitting down on his mattress, he looked and me and grinned, "Nice clothes~" He remarked, looking at his clothes on me.

I looked at him sourly, "Well I didn't have much else." I immediately felt bad for the comment; he couldn't help passing out... "Sorry, I didn't know where you were and I needed clothes." I sat down next to him.

He rolled his eyes, "It is not like I was in trouble." There he was, tryna act all tough again...

I looked at him and frowned, "You passed out on the street!" That was trouble enough.

He shrugged, passing it off, "But I was totally fine, right?"

I wrinkled my nose, "...No." I sighed; there was no getting around Gilbert's ego, "What happened anyway?" Was he just tired? Or was it more dangerous than that?

He tousled up his hair, "I must have been given some bad weed... It is okay though! I passed out before and I was fine!" He was annoyingly upbeat about it.

I wanted to tell him off, remind him that it was dangerous and he really had to stop but I had made it quite clear that we were gonna be our own people from now on, just living together. Not looking after, or depending on each other, just sometimes talking and offering companionship. I was afraid of contradicting myself, that or I was too afraid of caring for him to the point that he could let me down again. I made him promise last night that he'd stop but...

Whatever! I was sleepy then, I was just mumbling stuff, that didn't count! I wasn't gonna try and change him anymore. It was probably a losing battle anyway.

Then again... He did _promise_ me. And then almost _kissed_ me again... But this was Gilbert, a fickle guy who was probably too conceited to care and passed off kissing guys who loved him as nothing. I would just forget it.

He had been sitting next to me as I lost myself in thought, holding in all my advice and restraining myself from begging him to stop doing pot but finally stood up and stretched, "Well, I am fine now," His voice sounded almost disappointed, like he wanted me to say something more, "I am going to work, the clothes are outside."

He was working right after _that_?! He had spent the night unconscious and had fainted... The paint fumes would not be good, no, no, no... "You're working?" I sounded disbelieving.

He smiled at me, "_Ja_. I am going to head out now." He jumped up through the hole to get his bag.

"Well... Well..." He couldn't work today; he needed to recover, "What about breakfast?"

He called down, "I am not hungry! But I have a fruit salad that I bought while I was high last night! I do not remember the reason... It is with the clothes!" He jumped back down to join me, holding his bag.

I looked down, "But you might get hurt..." It was impossible; I had to tell him to stay home. Not even twenty-four hours and I felt like I cared too much.

He smiled again and patted my head, "I will be fine, I have missed a lot of the day anyway and I have not worked in days now... I need to go but I will be back safe! I promise!" He laughed and started to step back towards the door leaving me to get the clothes and the fruit salad he got alone.

**x++x**

He came back earlier than usual.

I tried to seem like I didn't care but I had been so bored all day I probably lit up the moment he strutted through the door. The day had been awful; with the fear of getting caught I didn't dare go outside and so was stuck here with nothing to do. I found an old tennis ball up amongst his other stuff and spent what felt like hours bouncing it around and learning to juggle with one ball. I napped a lot too, out on the streets I didn't sleep well or much so I got to sleep easily, but I didn't dream of much and it was pretty lame going for my third nap of the day.

"Hey, Mattie~" He gave me a wink, throwing his bag down and putting some empty cans aside, "I have got something for you." He grinned as I sat up; I had been lying on his bed again.

I smiled back at him, "What did you get? And how did it go today?" Talking to him was such a relief after the loneliness of the day; it was also good to see he was okay after what happened this morning.

His eyes lit up, "It was cool! I have not been all last week because I could not force myself to go but I was getting into it today!" He sounded so proud.

I gave a small laugh, "Good for you!"

He nodded quickly, "_Ja_! But that is not the best part! Some guy tried to steal something so we got in a fight and I got a sick bruise! Look!" He moved aside and rolled up his sweater and shirt to show me a huge purple mark, it was a violently dark colour thanks to his pale skin. I winced and recoiled.

I put a hand over it, blocking my view, "Please, Gilbert that's gross!"

He snickered, "It is cool though... Makes me look tough!" He covered it again.

I took my hand away, "Doesn't it hurt?" It was such a huge thing...

"Only when I move!" He gave me a confident thumbs up.

I patted his shoulder, "As long as you're fine," He didn't seem too unhappy about it... "What did you get me?"

He fished into his pocket and brought out some playing cards, "These, they were 50 cents~"

I examined the pack, this was surprisingly good of him, these were good and of decent quality, even when I was alone I could play with these, "...Thanks..." Was all I could think of to say.

He frowned, "Well do not get to excited." He said sarcastically, he expected a bit of a bigger reaction.

I gripped the cards tightly, "Sorry! I just didn't expect this..."

He stood up tidying the place a little after the mess I made, "I did not feel good about leaving you here bored so I got you something, it is good, _Ja_?" He looked over to me.

"_Ja_." I agreed, "But you didn't have to! Remember I am not depending on you anymore!" I wanted to sound stern; he didn't need to go about helping me out. I had to be independent.

He threw the tennis ball back where I found it, "But Mattie... You can want me to do some stuff, I can handle it! I was born awesome that way."

I put a hand up to stop him, "But what about me? What if _I_ let it all get too much again?" I was getting flustered; I didn't want to get too attached! I really didn't!

He came back over and kneeled next to me, "Why do you act like I should be pretending like you are not here? You are my friend, remember, you agreed." He was doing it again, being all soothing and charming.

I looked at him with anxious eyes, "I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket again."

He shook his head, "It is not the same! Let me do things for you, as long as you do things for you too it is okay, right?"

I furrowed my brow, "I don't understand." He wasn't allowed to take over my life again, even though he never meant to.

"Please let me do nice things for you Mattie, I like it a little, just as long as you have other reasons for being happy."

Ugh, he was right. I couldn't go on like this, pretending that blotting him out would stop my obsession that I had before with him from coming back. It wasn't working. I was gonna have to do what I had been desperate to do since we met again. That being, worrying over him, pestering him and letting him take care of me. I would just have to keep it in moderation.

I glared and I'm sure my face was red, "Shut up!" I told him, pushing him away, "It's weird when you get all cool and sophisticated and mature!" He was like another, more caring person.

He let himself fall back on his butt, his face a picture of victory, "So you will start fussing over me again?" He asked.

I pouted, "I never fussed over anyone." I protested.

"Bullshit!" He lay on his back on the floor.

"Gilbert..." I nudged him with my foot, "That's dirty." He immediately sat up and smiled.

He clapped his hands together "That is what I am talking about! Fussing!"

"Hey!" I pressed my lips together, "That's wasn't..." he may have won this round, "Oh hush." I tried to silence him.

But I failed and he grabbed me, cheering in German and pulling me up to bounce around with him on the mattress.

I think he was glad to have something that resembled old times again.

And I think I was too.


	17. Chapter 17

_A/N: thanks for reading!_

**Seven-teen.**

A little over a week passed and things got... Better, I guess is what you'd call it.

I was gaining weight again, now that I was getting a regular food supply and more than enough sleep with my constant napping. It was better. Anything would have been better than what I went though when I was alone.

Another constant in my life then was Gil', he always got back at the same time, always had something new to talk about and say.

He had almost stopped with the weed now that I had jumped right back to being on his back about it and the place smelled of tobacco again instead of marijuana.

He was lying back one night, taking long drags of his cigarette before blowing clouds of smoke out with a sigh as I lay in a space near him, I was admiring a painting he did, holding it above my face and tracing my fingers over the lines. He told me he had stopped painting for a while but you could never tell. This was perfect.

Gilbert blew out another trail of smoke before looking over to where I lay, "I painted it and when I was down I thought a lot of you, so I did not sell it. It is yours now." He explained to me why he had just handed it to me when he came through the doorway.

My fingertips were just connecting the white splatters of paint on what was the most serene blue-indigo that made the stars and the night sky, "It's beautiful..." I said quietly.

He took another drag, "You always say that." I heard shuffling as he moved onto his side.

I smiled, "I know." I moved my head to catch his eye before going back to looking at his gift to me, "You should stop smoking those things, they're bad for you."I placed the painting delicately over my chest.

He looked at the cigarette that dangled between his fingers, "I do not smoke." He insisted. He did that a lot.

I looked back up to the ceiling, I was pretty relaxed, outside it poured with rain and that was the only sound that could be heard aside from out talking. I had plenty time to be relaxed during the day but it wasn't the same as this.

He stubbed out the smoke he had and sat up rubbing his eyes before sitting back and looking over to me.

I felt his gaze, "Yes?" I asked, feeling a little uneasy being watched.

He looked away, "It is nothing."

I sat up slowly, picking up his painting for me with care, "Can I put this somewhere safe?" I would never forgive myself for damaging it

He took it from me, "_Ja_, I will put it upstairs."

I looked up through the hole in the ceiling, "Is it dry enough?" I watched anxiously as water dripped down between us, there were leaks all over the roof of that place.

He made it up there and called down, "There are plenty dry places!" He assured me and I could only wait listening to the noises he made.

He jumped down after a few moments, "There! It is safe, you are welcome!" He bowed.

I laughed, "Thanks Gilbert," I patted his head, "And thank you for painting it for me."

I was listening out for his attempts to cast it off and tell em he didn't paint it for me in particular and all that other stuff to make him look too cool to paint me stuff but as I turned away to get a snack that I had saved from dinner I heard a bloodcurdling shriek.

I turned back to him quickly, if he could be any paler he would be and he was gazing at his finger, "What's wrong?!" I was startled and flustered.

He looked positively spooked, "I... Lost another eyelash..." He bit on his knuckle, "I was just rubbing my eye and...!" He looked straight at me, "It is the third one today!" He took a step closer and held his index finger out to me.

I looked at him confused as he furiously gestured for me to look at his finger. I did and there on his finger was a single white eyelash.

I gave him a small smile, not sure if he was trying to be funny or not, "That sure is an eyelash..." I confirmed.

He put his hand to his side, narrowed his eyes and hissed at me, "It is the third one in this day!" He gave a troubled sigh and stepped back before crying out, clearly distressed and throwing his arms up, "Do you even know what that means!?"

I shifted from foot to foot, "No..." Was it unlucky to lose three eyelashes here?

He looked at me again, "I am going bald." He was totally serious.

The first chuckles came in short stifled noises but then I started to really laugh and he deflated,

"Mattie?!" He frowned at me.

I wiped at my eyes, "I'm sorry, Gil'," I shook my head, "But that's pretty ridiculous."

He stamped his foot like a kid, "I am serious!"

I leaned against the wall, "That's why it's so funny." I calmed down slowly.

He made a gruff noise, "You are so stupid." He let himself freefall backwards onto his mattress, "I will have no hair and I will not be attractive." He screwed his eyes shut, "I like having hair!"

I went closer and kneeled next to him, "You're not losing hair, Gilbert." I said sincerely, "Sorry I laughed." I patted his hand.

But he was on a roll now, "I was so cute as a kid! I am cute now! This is not fair!" He put a hand over his heart and clenched at his shirt, "I am twenty-two! I do not want to go bald young!"

I watched him, smiling more out of affection than humour, tucking my longish hair behind an ear I watched him have his little breakdown.

He really was fussing over this, "I will look like an egg! A white egg!" He exclaimed, "That is not a good look... And I cannot afford hair growth products! It is only a matter before I come out the shower all shiny! It is because I shave my legs and chest! Or maybe my arms! It is because I did not respect hair growth it is... All falling off!"

Goodness, I never even realised that he was vain to this extent.

Once he looked like he was done preaching how sad he was I tried reasoning, "You're not gonna be bald." I tried again, hoping it might get through to him this time.

He opened one eye and looked at me, "Do you think so?"

I nodded, "Yeah." I brought my knees to my chest.

He sat up slowly, "But... I mean..." He looked unsure, "How do you know?"

I shrugged, "Well I know a lot of bald people and they never even lost their eyelashes... And you don't have any thinning hair..." I looked up to his snowy hair, just to be sure.

He blinked a few times coming to terms with the new information, "Does the hair thin?" He patted at his head, "But I lost so many eyelashes..."

I started to undress a little, I had convinced him enough he was gonna be fine and I wanted to go to bed, "Don't worry about it, I gave him a straight look, "I promise it'll be okay."

He slowly nodded, convinced enough, "If I go bald it will be your fault." He warned me.

I wriggled down into my sleeping bag to get my jeans off, "Whatever you say."

He watched me, "It is bedtime." He told me.

I balled up my sweater as a pillow, "That's what I'm getting ready for." We had already showered and brushed our teeth, Gilbert came back today with bird poop on him and demanded we dealt with it right that second so we took the opportunity to do it all. I had dinner since then but that was a salad that wasn't gonna do anything too bad.

He stood up and I turned away as he started to shamelessly strip off too for another night.

**x++x**

I never usually woke up in the night, not while I was so comfortable in Gilbert's place. Sleeping on the hard floor wasn't exactly comfortable but I was able to get through it...

That why, when I woke up at three in the morning I got pretty confused as to why it was dark. It had started to rain again and I was closer to Gilbert's bed than usual so neither of us could get wet.

Was the proximity of him making me feel uncomfortable and woke me? He was crammed up beside me pretty tight.

I was gonna sit up, I had realised now that it wasn't morning.

But then I froze as I suddenly heard what woke me.

Gilbert was breathing heavily next to me, I heard movement and my face grew hot and my blood ran cold.

He grunted gruffly before giving a moan and pushing out syllables of words that trailed into nowhere as he made more noises.

I didn't dare move, just let my damp palms ball up as I lay still, trying to work out if he was asleep or now.

He gasped and I could hear him try to get friction against his blanket. I didn't look but I was slowly working out that he was sleeping.

Oh my gosh... Gilbert was having a wet dream.

I shut my eyes tight, I should have been blocking this out but I couldn't help it... He was just so vocal!

And as much as I tried I couldn't help thinking about what was going on beside me...Who was he dreaming about? What was happing in his dream?

He made another growl-like groan and I whimpered, this was so weird.

He rolled over, "_Oh... Gott... Gott_," He gave pillow talk in German... Aw man that sounded really good... Gilbert sounded so good when he spoke his first language...

This was so unfair.

"So... Ah!" He shuddered next to me, "Mattie!" He called out.

Wait... What?

Did Gilbert just call out my... Oh, my... That was my name. Was he thinking of me?

No way, he must have just said it randomly; he wasn't thinking of me, he couldn't be.

Suddenly his breath hitched and he sat up. I didn't even breathe; he must have woken himself up... This was really bad, especially if he really was saying my name. This was gonna get so awkward.

"Fuck..." I heard him say hoarsely, he was palming at his cock right next to me...

He leg his head hang back as he caught his breath. Maybe this would be it, he would go back to bed and so would I.

So it really freaking sucked when the worst happened.

I curled up, trying to hold it in.

I was gonna sneeze.

Maybe I could be really quiet... He could _not_ hear that I was awake now, no way. Not while he was still tracing his fingers over the tent in his underpants.

"Achoo!" I let out, not able to hold it in.

Gilbert stopped... Oh no, I was too loud, he heard me.

He heard me and knew I was listening to him.

I swallowed.

His voice came rugged, "Mattie...?"

I didn't reply, maybe he'd let it go if I pretended to be asleep.

But he spoke again, "I know that you are awake." He sounded like he was having trouble talking in English.

There was nothing for it.

I sat up.

We looked at each other for a moment before I decided to speak, pushing out the words with force, "Sorry... I didn't mean to..." I covered my red face, "I'm really sorry!"

There was another moment of silence. I didn't know where to look, his figure just visible in the dark.

His hands moved to my shoulder and I was expecting him to say something, tell me that I never heard or saw anything, something that I'd agree to wholeheartedly.

But then he was pulling me closer and pushing me down. I yelped as I bounced on his mattress, only having a moment to realise what was happening, I was lying back on Gilbert's bed in only my underwear and he was climbing over me. His eyes were feral in the dark.

And then we were kissing, his lips were wet and hands all over my body, scolding the skin and leaving marks. I could feel everywhere he was touching me.

I shouldn't be letting him do this, I should have pushed him off, told him no I didn't want it. But when the wet hot sliminess of his tongue pushed into my mouth and it was so warm... I could feeling the metallic balls of his piercings on my tongue as he kissed me and pressed to my lower lip. It was too hot. His hands grabbed my ass, kneading it and forcing our hips together I didn't do any of those things. I did the opposite. My legs wrapped my legs around his waist, rubbing against him and playing with his pierced tongue in my mouth, shivering under him as an amazing fizzy feeling spread from my dick to my butt, up my chest until it filled me and made me tingle like my blood had become soda.

I should have not been turned on but... _Fuck._

I gasped when we panted for air and he fixed that wet mouth on my neck, suckling on it and making me bite the inside of my cheek so that I didn't moan. That damn ball was still slightly cool against my skin and it did nothing but make me feel even better...

This was so wrong but still so, so right. Being a virgin, I had never got any experience that wasn't my own hand. My body was hyper-sensitive. Heart pounding. Breath short. But my whole body was crying out 'YES!' anything could have happened in that moment and I be crying out for more. My hard-on was pushing him on as it pressed to his leg making me claw at his back at the oh so close but not quite there friction.

I could feel him making hickeys all up and down my neck, I was so hot and yet erupted in goose bumps as his fingers traced the waist band of my underwear.

He released my neck and I could feel the breeze where he had been sucking at me, but any release from him didn't last as he started to peck along my jawline... Oh my god, this guy didn't stop.

My hands threaded through his white hair. His hands were moving again and next thing I knew he was feeling at my hard dick through my thin underwear. I squeezed my eyes tight shut and drew in a sharp gasp

I bucked right into his hard and he kissed me again, this time his teeth nipping at my lower lip before taking it into his mouth and sucking on it.

I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him back. This was too much, I couldn't take it. He was making me feel better than I had ever felt and it was all so overwhelming. My dick was rock hard and leaking in my underpants making a wet patch but he kept on rubbing. He drew back from my lips and I gulped in big breaths. His fingers pulled out the elastic waistband of my underwear and pinged it making me flinch.

I wrapped my arms around his neck burying my face in his neck inhaling the smell of his lust and sweat, "Gilbert...!" He was so close to touching bare skin, so, so close... "Please, Gilbert! _Bitte_!" He was some kind of sex god, he had me right where he wanted me and ready to beg for it. He rose to his knees so he could look over me.

I must have looked to pathetic, I was spread eagle, my chest rising and falling as my face flushed. I rose a hand to hide behind but knew it still left my chest with hardened nubs for nipples and the throbbing cock still showing through my underpants.

He grabbed my wrist pulling my hand aside, "_So sehe ich Dich gerne..." _He smirked down at me as my heartbeat went wild, I didn't understand him but it sounded so erotic... So obscene. I bit down hard on my lower lip.

I closed my eyes and heard him chuckle, his hands grabbed my underwear and yanked them down, making me whimper as my member was suddenly exposed to the open. There was a pause and I opened one eye, he couldn't stop, no way, not now!

What I saw was enough to make my head spin, he had also taken his clothing off and met my eyes knowing I was peeking. He didn't seem at all shameful about having his dick out, erect and nuzzled against his abdomen and the way he put his hands on his hips and let me look all I wanted just felt so dirty.

He was big and thick, I had never seen a cock so inviting looking, his balls were tight in his hardness and I licked my lips as he started to stroke himself right there in front of me. I had always thought that with his attitude he had to be compensating but just one look at him proved me wrong. There were his piercings too; multiple balls and rings lining against it and making it look like it belonged to a porn star. They shone in the light.

He gave me an exaggerated groan as he fondled his balls just to get me hot before deciding he had exhibited himself enough and it was time to touch me again.

I shut my eyes again just as I felt his hot hands on my nipples, oh my god... Gilbert really knew how to touch me... I couldn't hold back any more. Moans started to pour from my mouth,

"Oh... Nnh! Yes!" It was uncontrollable; his knee was against my crotch and grinding against me, "Please, Gilbert! More! Please..." He was feeling me in all the right spots, "Agh!"

He growled in my ear, "_Etwa so?_" He kept at it, thumbing both nipples and grinding his knee against my weeping length.

"Please..." I was getting so close now, it was incredible, "_Bitte_... I love it!"

He nipped at me ear with his teeth as tears streamed down my face, "_Ich will dich so sehr." _He purred, I was such a mess whenever he spoke with that rough voice, telling me such naughty things.

He pulled me up and suddenly I was on his lap, my nails digging into his shoulders as I clung to him.

My cock pressed to his, I could feel it hot and pulsating as I spread my legs and whispered disjointed begging into Gilbert's pierced ear to make me cum, do me up the ass or just touch me. I could feel all his dick piercings giving it a texture that made me push my hips forward, wanting more, more, more.

He grabbed both our dicks together and started to rub, moving his hand up and down as well as moving his piercings up and down making me squirm, "You like that, I know you like that..." He said in English before in German, "_Ja, so_... _Ja so_..."

He thumbed over our tips before paying extra attesting to my slit, "Look at you..." He said, making sure I could understand him, "Look you dirty boy... You are loving me touching your dick... You dirty perv."

He was starting to really get into it, we were both getting vocal and all he could say was broken German phases as I moaned and cussed over and over. I worked my hips against his over and over and over and oh my god oh fuck I was gonna cum fuck I was gonna cum and it felt so good and everything was going white because it was so good so good and fuck fuck fuck yes yes yes right there RIGHT THERE!

We came together spurting all over one another in ribbons of white, we were both frotting against each other to ride out our orgasms and it seemed to be endless.

I collapsed on his chest the moment we were both back from our high and panted on his heaving chest as he ran his fingers through my hair and said my name over and over...

.

.

.

.

oops.

.

.

.

.

"Mattie... Mattie... Oh Mattie, _Gott_... I am so..."

I think he went on but I slipped into sleep before he could finish.


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: The next chapter is gonna be late! I'm going away for a while and won't be able to upload anything until Wednesday so the next chapters not coming until then.., Sorry! Anywayy, thanks for reading._

**Eight-teen.**

When I woke up in Gilbert's arms the next morning it took me a minute to really get what had just happened.

I sat up blinking, I was still tired but there was no way that I was going back to sleep, not until I worked out why I was in Gilbert's bed with his arms around me.

It was realising that I was naked that brought it all back. My mouth went dry and I felt as if the ground had fallen down from under me as it all came back at once.

I put my head in my hands, I was trembling already. Gilbert and I... We'd really been messing around last night and... Oh gosh. This couldn't be good. This could not be good.

It was my first time doing anything like that and I had let it happen in the middle of the night with a guy I didn't even know the feelings of.

I had to leave.

It was then when Gilbert started to stir. I scrambled back, fumbling my way back onto my own bed, pulling the sleeping bag up and around my naked and sticky body.

I swallowed. What was he gonna say? I mean, he couldn't have meant to do that with me... It was all a big mistake. He'd probably be really mad that I let it happened and it would be so embarrassing...

I let out a shaky breath, but to my surprise he gave me a sleepy smile, "Morning, Mattie." He stretched and yawned, sleepily he started to get dressed.

I didn't know how to reply. Was I to remind him of what happened? "H-Hey, Gilbert." Even if he did need reminding, I was too embarrassed to deliver the news.

But then he said something that I never expected, "Are you okay? Last night was quite sudden but you were so hot!"

He knew exactly what happened.

Why was he acting like this? Didn't it mean anything to him? Not even enough to talk about it seriously? This was that kiss he gave me when we were escaping Judas all over again.

I probably showed my feelings on my face but I didn't care anymore, "You remember that?" I asked him.

He laughed, "How could I forget?! It was great; you have got many cute moans, Mattie."

I looked at him as he grabbed some clothes and started to get dressed. Was that it? Was he passing things like this off as nothing _again_?

It didn't take me long to know what I had to do next, "Look, Gil'..." I said softly, "I don't think coming back here was such a good idea..."

He faltered and froze, looking at me. He looked like he was waiting for me to tell him that I was kidding.

"Mattie..." He smiled and crawled playfully hit my bare shoulder, "Do not say that! It is too early." He sat back.

I felt anger bubbling, why couldn't he ever take me seriously? "Shut up!" I insisted a little more sharply then I intended, "I'm going, okay? Coming back was a mistake." I bit my lip. Why was I so sad? This was what was for the best.

He looked a little anxious, you could almost see the realisation that I was being serious cloud his face, "Wait, no..." He started, "No, Mattie, you cannot leave me again! You told me that you would stay!" His eyes were searching mine.

I sighed, "Sorry." Why the heck was I even apologising? This was all his fault. He kisses me and fools around with me and still refused to take it seriously. I was shocked he even talked about last night, "You head to work, and I'll get my stuff together and go then so don't bother with dinner." I reached out and grabbed some underwear, shuffling into them.

He quickly put his hands over mine before I could move again, "Wait!" He sounded urgent. It was rare for Gilbert to feel any sense of urgency, "I do know that last night was crazy," He confessed, "But it does not matter, _Ja_? It was the heat of the moment, I will forget it!"

If Gilbert wanted to say something to make me stay he had said the opposite of what I wanted hear.

I yanked my hands away from his, "That's just it!" I huffed, rubbing at my temples, "Pass me my shirt." I reached out for it.

He grabbed my shirt but didn't hand it to me, instead he held onto it firmly, "No! I will not!" He backed away so that I couldn't reach it.

I leaned forward, swiping at it, "Give it! I need to get ready to go!" But he kept holding it away.

He held it up high in the air, "No! You cannot leave!"

I stood up, I didn't care that I was still just in my underwear; I was so done with him, "Gilbert!" I commanded, shoving into him. He stepped back startled and hit the wall, "Quit being so childish!" I was yelling at him and the louder I raised my voice, the more he looked like a deer caught in the headlights, "I'm not your freaking pet, stop treating me like I can't get hurt by the way you act!"

He just stared at me and suddenly I was overwhelmed by a wave of tearfulness. In his surprise he had lowered my shirt and I snatched it from him, pulling it on as I turned away, not wanting to appear weak.

"Mattie..." I heard him say behind me, reproachfully.

I raised a hand, "Please don't talk! I'm not in the mood."

Suddenly his attempt at being sympathetic turned to scorn, "Jesus! I cannot get a single thing right with you, can I!? I am trying to be good at this but you are so freaking difficult!" I heard a bang, he'd kicked something, "I am fucking trying, okay!?"

I turned around in just enough time to see him storm off outside without another word.

**x++x**

It was twenty minutes later and I was sitting on his bed, trying to get myself to go.

But I couldn't... I didn't know why. Maybe I was scared or maybe I just didn't wanna go deep down but whatever the reason, I was still there, worried about Gilbert, worried about myself and starving hungry.

I was fiddling with my clothes; I was fully dressed by then when Gilbert came back.

He looked calmer than the glimpse of him I got when he left and held a plastic bag that he then dumped between us. It looked like breakfast. But to him it was a peace offering.

He nudged it towards me with his foot, "I got your favourite." He mentioned. I wasn't gonna get an apology from him for running off like that, but it was okay. Gilbert never said sorry.

I could just see into the bag, it was a chocolate chip muffin.

He was wrong, "That's not my favourite." I reminded him.

There was a long pause.

"Oh"

Was all he had to say.

"Yeah." I muttered. I didn't pick the bag up, "I'm not hungry." I lied.

He threw his hands up briefly and leaned back against the wall, "Great." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Then we played the waiting game. Neither of us spoke but both waited for the other to. The silence was long and looming before finally,

"What the heck is up with you?"

Gilbert cracked and asked me.

I took off my glasses and started to polish the lenses with my sleeve, it was probably easier to ask what wasn't up with me.

But instead of talking to him like an adult I was stupid and said something mean instead, "You being a stupid conceited asshole." I stated. I didn't need to meet his eye to know he was hurt but did anyway and regretted it quickly, "That was too harsh. I didn't mean that." I added quickly before my error could turn into something worse.

I had a minute where I thought he was just gonna snap again and leave but whatever he did while he was gone must have helped him realise that doing that wouldn't help.

He looked as if he wanted to come close but didn't dare, "I was scared that you would be gone when I got here." He told me.

I lay on my side and curled up, not caring if I looked pathetic, "You still brought breakfast though." I nodded to the bag that has the muffin inside.

He looked at it with me, "I was hoping that you would be here. And I did not want you to think I was a," He made quotation marks with his fingers, "stupid conceited asshole to you." He let his hands fall again.

"Hey!" I said a little loudly, "I told you I didn't mean that!"

"Yes..." He pushed his hair back wearily, "I know."

I closed my eyes but didn't sleep, "I should have just left. It's really for the best."

"If it was for the best you would be gone by now!" He protested and I thought he was gonna be a kid again and start yelling but instead he slowly came closer, "I do not understand why you want to go..."

I felt the mattress lower as he sat down before continuing, "I did tell you that we could forget last night! It was nothing anyway..."

I gave a loud sigh, "That's exactly why I wanna go! Okay, Gilbert? I'm done with all this." I though back to when I confessed my love to him and he hurt me. Real bad. And I thought I couldn't ever move on from that. It still stung when I looked back.

He placed a hand on my arm but I shrugged it off, "All of what? Mattie we had never done anything like that before last night."

"You..." I sat up again, "You always do that though! You always say stuff like that is nothing, and say it was the heat of the moment or something, and guess what? It hurts! How could I ever accept that it's all 'nothing'? It isn't nothing! Well, maybe it is to you, but to me... It's different and you just don't get that! You don't talk to me about it and it hurts and hurts and hurts!"

When I finished speaking I looked at him. He was gazing at a spot on the floor, his expression conflicting.

"You misunderstand me." He uttered and looked at me.

There was pain all over his face as he turned his whole body to face me.

"What?" Why did he look so hurt?

"Mattie," He began, "Listen, what we did last night was not nothing. And neither was every time that you looked at me or that we touched. Listen to me, I was never going to tell what I felt but I have no other choice..."

He took a deep breath,

And continued, "Matthew, I love you. I love you so fucking much."

I blinked and gazed at him blankly... What?

Looking down I exhaled and clasped my hands together, just trying to get a grip.

"Why..." I said almost silently, "You never told me. Why did you never tell me?"

"Gilbert Beilschmidt does not fall in love..." He sniffed, "Especially with kids like you."

I sighed; slowly raising my hands I patted his back, "I loved you too."

He pulled back but kept his hands on my shoulders, "Loved? But what about now?

I searched myself for an answer,

"I don't know."

That was all I could think of to say. Because I didn't know. I just didn't anymore.

His face fell as hurt visibly flickered over his face, "Huh?" He sounded distressed, "What is that supposed to mean?!"

"It means that I don't know!" I insisted. This was unreal. Gilbert loved me? He _loved_ me, just as I had loved him. He used to seem so far away, I was sure that he was on a whole other level from me. But here he was, he looked like he was gonna cry and have a total breakdown and he was here. He was in reach. He was here with me.

But I couldn't forget the way he acted when I bared myself to him, took down any walls and give him the power to break my heart. He was careless. He didn't listen or take my seriously, he just threw it all away.

He squeezed his eyes tight and I looked down. I really didn't wanna see him cry, Gilbert wasn't a crier like I was,

He sniffed, and I spoke again quickly, before things could get awkward, "When did you start feeling like this?"

He shuffled back to lean against the wall, "A long time ago. I always thought you were cute."

"Wait..."I sat up a little. Was he saying that he loved me before he kicked me out? That when I told him that I loved him he felt the same about me? "Was this before or after Judas?" The kiss... Oh boy, it was all coming together... But he told me that kiss meant nothing!

He sighed and shrugged, "Before I guess." He let out a shaking breath, "I should have never told you!"

I stared at him. His face was bright red and he was wiping at his face but I was shaking with rage.

"Gilbert..." I was tense, "What the heck?!"

He looked up at me. He looked more fragile and distressed than I had ever seen, "Huh?" I could see tears in his red eyes.

I shook my head slowly; knowing that he loved me back when he had let me go through so much pain brought it all back. He knew how it felt to love so desperately and still... He let me go through it all.

Anger was turning to hurt, "You idiot..." I yelled and pointed a finger at him, "You stupid idiot!"

He looked confused and irritated, "What the fuck is up with you, Mattie?! Quit just yelling at me!" He was shouting right back at me.

I wanted to run away... How could he have been so oblivious? "Don't you remember anything?"

He just looked at me, I could tell he was ready to listen and finally take me seriously. I tried to calm down before talking slowly,

"I used to love you Gilbert... I used to love you so much."

He interrupted, "I know but-" But I raised a hand.

"Stop!" I told him, "Let me finished!" I paused and waited for him to nod. He did, "I loved you and you kissed me Gilbert! I thought it might be real... When we escaped Judas and you were gonna kick me out I told you! I told you everything and you totally hurt me!" My voice was growing louder as I went on.

"What?" He narrowed his eyes, "I never hurt you..."

I shoved him to the side, "Yes you did! You acted as if I loving you had no meaning!" I shoved him again but harder, "Well it meant something to me!"

He glared at me, rubbing his arm where I shoved him, "And what was I supposed to do!? Do you not get that telling me hurt me too! It was selfish!"

I blinked a few times, "How the heck was I selfish? You told me that kissing me was nothing right after I told you how I felt."

He shook his head, "Mattie, you could have gotten me arrested! I could not return your feelings in that situation! You had to leave!"

"You didn't have to be some mean about it!" I turned my back to him.

He crawled up behind me, "Listen, I could not even be sure you were telling the truth, I wasn't sure! Maybe you had seen through me and knew I loved you by then and tried to tell me you felt the same way so that you could stay... That was all a mess! You should have not told me!" He drew back again.

I was shaking, "Are you calling me a liar?! Are you trying to say that I _manipulated_ you?" What the heck did this guy take me for?

His head was in his hands but he looked at me sharply, "Did you forget that you totally lied to me about who you were? You had already put me in danger!"

I stopped and sighed... He did have a point. I had been lying to Gilbert but even so... It felt horrible to be not trusted.

"I still hurt..." I whimpered.

He watched me, "I know. But if I acted different I would have not been able to kick you out!"

"But I'm back here anyway."

"_Ja_. I needed you again."

This is what I came to Germany for. Someone needed me and it was Gilbert. So why did those words make me breakdown?

I spoke again but both of us were softer now, "You still broke my heart."

He gave me a sad smile, "You broke mine also. I had you there and you were saying this stuff but I knew you still had to go."

I sighed again, "I can't believe you knew how it felt to be in my state and you still acted that way. What if it had been the other way around?"

"I would not have been so dumb to tell you then." He didn't have to even think.

I rolled my eyes in disbelief, "Because you totally wouldn't want to tell the person who had been on your mind for what felt like forever how you felt when they were telling you that you'd never be together again."

He waved his hand, "Whatever... You do not get it... It is okay now, we can be together! I love you!"

I hoped that our argument turned discussion would help diffuse the awkwardness. Or at least help me figure out how I really felt about him. But what happened happened, and as much as Gilbert tried to justify what he said to me it still played out the way it did.

"I still don't know, Gil'." I confessed.

He moved close and touched my face gently, "But I love you! It is all resolved!"

I raised a hand to stop him, "I need time, okay? This is all happening so fast..." Even that he was in love with me was still sinking in. Let alone he had thought I was lying to him, and that that kiss at Judas' place did mean something and last night did too. We were gonna talk over all that someday. But I wanted my head to stop spinning first.

He looked at me. He looked so hurt, his lips pulled down in a frown and saddening there was a sob. A big one that went right through the both of us. Then two wet kisses were placed on my cheeks and he glued himself to me, so that we were pressed up against each other. His arms hugging me tight as he muttered and whimpered stuff about not being able to bear waiting any longer.

My arms hung down at my sides.


	19. Chapter 19

_A/N: Here we are! Sorry again that this was late but it was just not possible for me to do this earlier D: But thank you for reading even with the delay!_

**Nine-teen.**

His embrace was long and warm. I didn't return it nor push him away. I just sorta hung there and let him hold me. It was around two minutes later when he let go. He then just backed off and stood up.

"I am going to work." He announced and picked up his bag swinging it over his shoulder.

I nodded, "Okay." I carried on the charade. We both knew that he wasn't really going to work. He was probably headed to the Berlin wall. He we too emotional right now to work. But I felt like calling him out on it, it would just end in another fight.

He left without another word and I sat still for a moment. It had been a crazy morning.

I fell onto my back and gazed at the ceiling. Even though we talked about a lot of hard stuff that neither of us had faced before... It felt so much better now that we had. I felt a thousand times lighter now that he had spoken properly with me about when I told him I loved him.

And my heart skipped a beat whenever I thought about it... Gilbert was in love with _me_. Out of everyone it was me... I felt so petty, I wasn't even certain when or even if I would love him again and it still made me feel all funny. He was so much older too... I let out a small giggle in spite of myself when I thought of the age gap... It somehow made me feel kinda good.

I rolled over and sighed. None of that excused his attitude to me, not back then, nor just hours ago when he acted like last night was nothing. Even with what he said to me how could I be sure that he was really gonna treat me like a real person? I had been feeling like he was patronising me before, he never wanted to acknowledge that what he did and said to me had an effect on me.

I leaned forward and grabbed the plastic bag on the floor. Chocolate chip muffins may have really not been my favourite but I was starving. I grabbed it and sunk my teeth into it with no hesitation. I gave an audible sigh of relief as I felt it go down my throat and land in my stomach.

It was gone in seconds and I was left scraping my teeth over the cake covered muffin case. No way was it enough...

I shifted around; trying to find a position in which I couldn't feel the hunger pains but it wasn't helping. I was seriously regretting every impulse purchase I made while I was here even though I would have ran out of money by now either way. I needed something to eat. Gilbert was an idiot for only buying me a tiny muffin. He probably would be gone for ages and I'd be stuck here dying of starvation.

I sighed. I had two options here; I could steal some of Gilbert's money and dash to the store. Or I could take a nap and try to sleep it off until he came back. Neither would work. I was way too soft to steal anything and I was not gonna get to sleep with all my thoughts about Gilbert, love and all the rest buzzing around like crazy.

There was a third option... I realised this as I prepared to accept the fact that I was gonna spend the next few hours in a state of all out misery. I could find myself a distraction. But the only distraction I could think of would be outside. Gilbert told me I wasn't to go outside in case someone saw me.

But screw him. I was so tired of being in here, I wanted to hit my head of the stone wall sometimes so I wouldn't have to face up to the boredom. We only ever went to the bathroom together at night and sometimes the mornings and that was it.

I was gonna walk off this hunger. What was the worst that could happen? I'd be careful. I wouldn't speak to anyone and I'd stick to quiet streets. It was gonna be fine.

I was actually pretty excited as I put on my shoes, pushing back my hair and taking off my glasses. I would have to be back before Gilbert so I estimated how far I would go before turning back. Maybe I could really explore! It had been months since I disappeared and I had never really seen the city. It was around November and it was getting pretty cold out. I wanted to see the place before snow started. Being Canadian I knew snow, and I knew that as nice as it was in small doses I had learned from experience not to go out in a big unknown city when there was a possibility of a blizzard.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets as I headed out, it wasn't that cold. I could see the breath in front of my face band the wind whipped at me but, eh, I was used to it. My hands were different though. Ever since I was a kid they'd get cold even if it was just a little cool. My mom called it bad circulation; I called it just having cold hands. I wondered how Gilbert was coping. It wasn't cold all year round here like it was in Canada. He seemed okay leaving in just a sweater. Maybe it helped being albino or something.

I trudged down the alleyway. I looked over in the direction Gilbert would have gone and headed down the other way. I didn't know what he'd say or do if he saw me out here in the middle of the day like this but I didn't wanna find out.

It was probably a weekday, there was no one really out, and those who were around on the streets were easy to avoid. I knew it would be fine. And the excitement of finally getting out again was a great distraction from my hunger.

I thought I was exploring unknown territory but as I looked around after entering a especially dirty backstreet I recognised some of my surroundings.

I had found the bar that Gilbert took me to on the first night we spent together after our time apart. It looked different in the day but still seriously run down. As I got closer I could hear a ruckus inside just like I did last time I was here. Huh, it seemed like this place was active even in the middle of the day... But I guessed that the people in there had stopped caring what time of day it was a long, long time ago.

I was about to leave when something pretty wonderful happened.

I was standing by the door listening to the muffled sound of shouting and accordion music when something brushed past my legs.

"Ah!" I stumbled back, gasping and startled. I almost fell on my butt but caught myself and looked around for whatever scared me.

I was really pleased to see that it was a white fluffy kitty, which now sat in front of me licking at one paw.

I laughed a little in relief and took a few steps towards the cat with a big smile, holding out my palm for her she let out a little mew and nuzzled her head into it, "Hey there..." I murmured as she mewed again appreciatively. It was kinda cute.

This cat was clean; I could even see her little lilac collar. She wasn't like the other cats I had met out here that usually carried a thousand diseases and were lying on street corners, sometimes just giving birth or something.

I kinda wished I had something to feed her with, but heck I wanted something to feed _me_ with.

"Do you belong to one of the guys in the bar?" I asked, scratching behind her ears.

"Actually," a voice came from in front of me and I looked up quickly, "She belongs to me."

Now I really did fall on my butt, shuffling backwards I gasped. The man who had appeared in front of me was...

Judas.

I was already trying to get up but my body wouldn't cooperate. I was stuck down there like he had cast a spell and paralyzed me.

"You!" I cried out. No way did I want to see this guy again... Just the sight of him made me want to throw up. My guts twisted and my blood was ice as I remembered what he was gonna do to me.

He smiled and patted his thigh. The cat in front of me scampered over to him and he picked her up, letting her sit on his shoulder. The white fluffy cat really completed the villainous look. The guy looked as fishy as possible.

I tried to be a wisecrack, swallowing back my fear, "G-Good luck picking up homeless kids now that you look like some kind of bond villain."

He smirked, "Oh they still come. They come and they go." I didn't need to be told that by the word 'go' he didn't mean they escaped like I did. By 'go' he meant something entirely different.

"You bastard!" I choked, "You sick, sick bastard!" I thought of how scared I was and the hopeless feeling of impending death... I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemies and I didn't even go under the knife.

He ignored me and let his cat nuzzle his hand, "You know, Matthew..." He sighed, looking at me, "I am glad we met again." He gave me an empty smile.

I crawled back desperately on my hands and knees, not again he wasn't doing anything to me, "No!" I screamed out, "Don't you touch me!"

He watched me, his eyes never gave anything away, "You see, that won't do." He stepped forward and suddenly he was looking down at me, "You and your friend Gilbert know too much about my work." He stood up straight again.

I shook my head quickly unable to stop it, "Don't go near Gilbert." He had suffered enough because of this man. I wasn't letting him fall again.

He cocked his head, "I will find you both. And when I do I'll kill you." His words were like sticky black tentacles slipping through my ears, my mouth, up my nose and into my brain violating my mind with a cold, slippery, goo like fear that started to wrap around my mind, cramming into me through my orifices until I felt as if my head was coming to pieces.

The image was exactly what I felt, Judas was serious and we both knew that death would be the half of it. I could imagine him making it as long as painful as possible. So much so that by the end we'd be begging for it to end and wishing that we had just let him take our organs the first time because it would be less painful. Or maybe he would take our organs, ripping out Gilbert's other kidney and letting his body fail as he watched. Taking my intestines and taking sick pleasure from watching the effects.

That's the sort of situation I associated with Judas.

The next thing that I was aware of doing was running at full speed back the way I came. I must have pulled myself from the ground, my hands hot and skinned from the rough gravel but balled into fists anyway as I sprinted away.

I heard his voice from far behind me, "You can run away for now, Matthew!" He shouted, "You can run away..." And he was too far away. But he didn't need to let me hear the end of his sentence, 'For now.' Was how it would have ended.

**x++x**

I ran all the way to where I knew Gilbert would be. He might have actually been working but I doubted that big time so the Berlin wall it was.

I my lungs were stinging, I could taste blood, my throat was as dry as bone and the muscles in my legs throbbing so hard that they were shaking but I didn't stop running. I was overwhelmed with the need to see Gilbert, to freak out with someone who would keep my safe and calm me and to warn him about what was coming.

I yelled his name as soon as his figure was visible. It had started to pour with rain at some point so there weren't so many tourists around. The ones that did look at me didn't recognise me but at this point I had stopped caring.

His eyes widened as he saw it was me, yanking down the fabric around his nose and mouth "Mattie, what the fuck!?" He hissed as soon as I was close enough, "You idiot! Hide!" He dropped the paint can he had been using as I ran into him.

I was panting hard but had to get the words out, "Gilbert... Big trouble... We gotta..." I was trying but they all tried to come out at once, the black tar that Judas had pushed into my mind was gushing from my lips.

He looked less angry now, more confused, his eyes darting around at the people who looked over to us. He could tell something was up but those staring at him were getting him so anxious he couldn't concentrate.

He looked to me and then them and then me again, "Shit, Mattie, kiss me."

I blinked. This was not the time, "What?"

He gave a gruff sigh and connected our lips, in a full dirty kiss. There was more tongue than lips there and he pulled back so that his tongue could run against mine. What the heck!? Did this guy get off on adrenaline or something? Both our eyes were open and I could see he was looking around as I gazed at him in panic. This was not the time! Not the time!

He pulled back after a good few seconds giving us both room to breathe as I wiped drool from my chin.

My mouth felt weird after that and I coughed, "Why'd you do that?!" I glared at him, didn't he know how stressed I was!?

His focus was now all on me, "I had to make those tourists look away. Watching us make out made them uncomfortable enough not to look." He winked, "Especially as we are a smoking hot man and his cute little birdie. I am a genius, _ja_?"

I grabbed his arm and tugged him away; he grabbed his arm as I told him in a frantic voice that we had to go. We really, really had to go.

We were closer to the public bathroom than we were to our place so I ran in that direction, forcing him to follow.

As soon as we were in the bathroom I pushed him into the shower cubicle I used shutting and locking the door behind us. My legs were like jello from running so much but Judas would never look for us here...

"It-" I started but Gilbert clamped a hand over my mouth, putting a finger to his lips as we listened to the sound of someone using one of the toilets. We stood together trying to pant quietly as we heard a flush and the water running as whomever it was washed their hands and eventually we could hear the door bang shut. We were alone.

Gilbert dropped his bag and released my mouth, "Mattie, what the hell are you doing!?" He kept his voice hushed but I could hear that he was mad, "You were almost seen!"

I shook my head, we couldn't get into that right now, "We have trouble!" I finally found a way to articulate what was buzzing in my head, "We're gonna die Gil'!" I grabbed his shirt.

For a moment I thought he would laugh but he didn't. Through all the fear and anxiety that filled me I still felt a small victory. Gilbert was taking me seriously. That really was something.

Looks like he was serious about loving me.

He gave me a stern look that gave me so much more reassurance than a laugh, "What is this about?" He looked me in the eye. We were equals.

I let go of his shirt and started to fidget, "I'm sorry I went out, I was just going for a walk, okay? We both needed some headspace after earlier..." I was rambling. That was what happened when I get this way.

He hit my shoulder lightly with the back of his hand, "Oi, do not be a loser right now, I do not care about you going out anymore. Tell me what is wrong."

I didn't want to tell him, Judas had featured way too much in Gilbert's life and here he was again. There was a long silence as I watched his face and he looked at me expectantly. There was no other way around it, we were both in danger.

I wanted to reach out to him but stopped myself, "I ran into Judas." I said as softly as I could, "He's coming for us."

There was a tense moment in which I wasn't sure what he was gonna do.

But then he fell back and hit the tiles behind him on the wall, I could see how much pain I caused him with just telling him what I heard. I almost wished I could take it back.

I knew how he felt. It was meant to get better now. We were meant to get back to how we were and Gilbert was gonna be some silly dork for me. There was even a chance that we were gonna become a couple and now Judas had ruined it. We were reminded that we were plagued by him. Until he came for us we would be too scared of him for our relationship to heal even a little until it was over. And it might not be over for days. Months. Years. I would never let myself fall for him when we were in this much danger. I may have had to watch him die. I would never fall in love with him as long as that was a possibility.

He looked to the ceiling, "Fuck." He murmured.

I couldn't agree more.


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: Thanks for reading!_

**Twenty.**

Gilbert took a minute, I felt wrong to look at him while he was having his moment but in the cramped shower stall it was kinda unavoidable.

He rubbed his head, "What are we going to do?" He sounded like he was asking himself as well as me.

I cleared my throat, "Go to the cops?" Was the only suggestion I had.

He shook his head quickly but he didn't sort or laugh like he usually did. Either this guy was too disturbed to be his old self or he was really making an effort to take me seriously, "We cannot do that." He told me, "There would be too much of an investigation."

But with an investigation the full extent of Judas' crimes would be discovered... "Isn't that good? We could get him put away!" My mind raced thinking about the retribution Gilbert would get, the dozens of street kids like me who would be saved.

He shook his head and put a hand on my shoulder, "Mattie they would get me involved, they would need me for a trial or whatever! And I cannot do that, with you around it is too risky."

My hopes died, of course he was right, there was no way that he could get involved with the cops for anything as long as I was still around. They'd find me in an instant. I had forgotten that and it made me a little sad...

But I could do as much brainstorming as I wanted. There was no way that we could get rid of him permanently that didn't involve the cops or killing him, and we were not gonna kill Judas. I had nearly gone there and knew just from that ending someone's life would traumatise us both no matter who it was. Just thinking back to that day made me feel sick, hot, anxious, like walls were closing in around me. So the cops it was.

I looked at him firmly, "We have to put him away, Gil'. Somehow." I was staring directly into eyes.

He released me and paced the small space, rolling his tense shoulders, "We can run away. I have liked Hamburg for a long time." He was fidgeting as he thought, "It would put them off the trail of finding you too... Berlin is dumb; we can go somewhere nice in Hamburg and have lots of sex."

I smiled sadly, "What if he finds us there?"

He looked at me almost pleading me to go along with his idea, "There are lots of cities in Germany..."

I was almost swayed, Gilbert belonged in Berlin, for him to want to leave it was a big deal. I knew he was distressed but this was another level.

However running from Judas wouldn't save us, I felt safe to assume that he didn't just haunt Berlin; he was a guy with contacts. He'd find us.

There was another issue that I still needed to think about too. Even if we got out of Judas' clutches, it wasn't gonna help the others that would potentially fall into his hands. He took those that no one would realise were gone until it was too late and hid the evidence. Us running away would do nothing for them.

He was still pacing but I grabbed his arm, stilling him, "We can't just go, kids out there are in serious danger because of that guy. He said it himself; he wants us dead because we know too much. We have a power over him right now; I think we should use it!" I had to admit I was getting excited by this. We could do great things, him and I.

"Mattie..." He sounded upset, "What are you saying?" The talk of power seemed a little exaggerated for him. Judas had been looming over Gilbert ever since I met him, even when he didn't show it. In fact, I think Judas was the only thing he was afraid of, the guy took his kidney, giving him excruciating pain by cutting him open and making Gilbert so sure that he was gonna go in such a gruesome way, so no one could blame him. So it was hard, understandably enough, that the idea of having any power over his greatest fear would seem silly to him.

I spoke confidently, I had recovered from my run in with Judas now I just felt angry, "We have to go to the police."

He started quickly shake his head, "They'll take you from me!"

I chewed on my lower lip, "Yeah, well... Maybe..."

"No!" He shouted abruptly, and for a moment I was scared people outside would hear, "Mattie!" He grabbed me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, "Do not leave me again... I love you...!"

I closed my eyes. What was I thinking? Gilbert and I belonged together somehow, I didn't know why it was that I decided that, but we did. We really weren't suited to life without each other. Even if I went home to my house, and my safe warm bed something would just be... Missing. Not just the attention he had given me, the whole reason why I first fell for him all those months ago but something else too, something that I was still trying to figure out.

"I'm sorry!" I cried out in his arms, "I won't go!" I buried my head in his chest, "I'm sorry!" What was I thinking? What was I thinking?

Our roles were suddenly reversed as he soothed me, stroking my hair and petting me like I was a little animal.

"Do not worry." He pressed his face to my neck, "I am worried and you are too... But please do not leave me alone again."

I nodded quickly, "I would never leave you! I shouldn't have said it..."

He leaned against the wall, "I was not laughing or joking this morning," He ran his fingertips under my shirt and up my back, "I love you, Matthew, and we will get through this because I am a tough manly man who will protect you."

I managed a small chuckled at that, to which he replied, "What? This is a serious thing? We are going to get our asses whooped if we are not careful!" His gentleness and the way he tried to make something that was obviously making him freak out big time sound almost trivial made me want to cuddle him forever.

"I will make sure we get through this," He said, "I love you and we will always have that no matter how bad it gets. You do not have to love me back, it is okay now, I understand that. I will love you anyway."

I nodded quickly, "Thanks..."

He patted my head, "Go back to our place," He said, pulling away, his voice was soft, "Be careful, I will come there later when I have bought us some hot chocolate so we can work this out together, _Ja_? I will bring lunch. He does not know where we live yet."

"_Ja_." I agreed, nothing sounded better than just that, we'd be calm, we'd listen to one another and respect each other's wishes and after that we would sleep a little easier, knowing that everything would be just fine.

**x++x**

Gilbert was a street smart man; he knew his way around Berlin and could definitely defend himself in a fight but... As I made it back to the old store unit I started to worry and by the time I stepped through the door I was wondering if I should run off and try to find him. My worries were probably silly, for one Berlin was huge, the chances of those two meeting when Gilbert promised he'd only be gone for thirty minutes were pretty tiny, they had never run into each other before.

But maybe it was the look I saw on Gilbert's face when I told him what was happening, he looked worse than I had ever seen him. I was worried that he might do something stupid. I was worried that he might not come home.

I shoved my thoughts to one side. He'd be fine, if how he treated me when I just needed a hug back in that shower stall was anything to go by, Gilbert was competent. Gilbert was getting us hot chocolate and was gonna be fine.

Though I really couldn't drop the idea until I saw him coming through the doorway with two cardboard cups and a bag, his palms over the tops to keep the water that poured from the sky out of them.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw him, "Did you get a little wet?" I asked, watching his usually tousled hair limp and driping.

He just handed me the warm cup, "Take a goddamn guess..." He set his cup aside and took off his sweater to dry his hair. He was wearing his leopard print shirt again.

I chuckled a little, "Sorry."

He grabbed his cup again, "Well that is okay because we are both about to get wet!" He gestured for me to stand.

I did so but slowly and looking at him in bewilderment, "Where are we going?" I swore that I was not gonna let him go on a manhunt for Judas.

He gave me a soft smiled and ruffled my hair with his free hand, "Come, and you will see." He certainly wasn't acting like he was ready to go on a rampage.

So for that reason, I trusted him and followed him back into the torrential rain.

He led through a little narrow path that I had never been down before and down between two buildings that were so close that I could feel the rough wet brick work as we squeezed through.

Finally we stopped, I felt dirty from cramming myself between those two buildings and a little of my drink had splashed onto my hand. I was wondering what on earth Gilbert wanted to do so bad that it involved what was going to be a reassuring afternoon and turn it into military camp.

He turned to me, "It is here," He pointed to some rungs that went up the wall like a ladder, "Up there."

I sighed, furrowing my brows... That was hard work with a cup of steaming hot liquid in one hand and the rungs were probably slippery the rain.

"Gilbert..." I showed my concerns to him, "Is this really a good idea?"

He nodded firmly, already ushering me to climb, "We were not safe down there! Go, you will like what is at the top." He urged me on.

I sighed but reached my free hand up and griped the highest rung I could get to, "Fine..." I murmured, lifting one foot up and slowly and cautiously starting the ascent. If Gilbert was gonna think about anything seriously, it would be this. I trusted him here; we had to trust each other in these situations.

I gulped as my second foot felt for another metal rung and with only one hand and a few fingers that I could use from my drink holding hand started to climb.

Using my hands was fine, fingers could grip, curl around the bars that I was using but my feet were a different story. I was too aware and how the rubber of my shoe soles were sliding around on the cold wet rungs but I tried not to think of falling back, still making my way up. Gilbert wasn't helping my concentration though, shouting 'I have you, Mattie! I will catch you!' at the bottom.

I let myself breathe again when I realised that I was at the top. In front of me was a broken window that was covered on the inside by a chunk of wood that someone had leant against it.

I wasn't keen on the idea that I would be hanging around on the top here for long so I shouted down to Gilbert, not quite sure how high up I was, "What now?!"

He yelled back, "Move the wood!"

I was hanging on to the top handle for dear life and the other hand still gripped the drink that I didn't even know if I wanted any more. I could not get this wood away, "How?!" I asked, he probably had some kind of idea. I was trusting him, remember?

"Head butt it!" He called with confidence.

Head butt it.

But I came all the way up here and didn't think I could get down. So, holding my breath I retracted my head and let my forehead smack the wood. I yelped and there was a ringing noise in my ears and for a moment I was so certain I'd fall back but clung on. There was a thump as the wood hit the floor inside, at least I had got in.

With my glasses halfway down my nose I knew what to do next without even asking. I tried not to wobble as I scrambled through the broken window and onto wooden floor on the other side.

I looked around the room I made it to. It wasn't really what I expected. There were blankets everywhere for one; rugs on the floor and the walls were decorated beautifully. On the wall across from me I could see a portrait of a stern blonde man. I knew it was Gilbert's before I even saw the tag he left on it. There were also candles around the place and a giant hole in the floor.

It was the hole that gave it away but at first I didn't even realise that we were still at Gilbert's place. Carefully I edged towards the hole and peered down, sure enough I could see that I had made it to the third floor of this place, I could see the mattress, looking so small under me and the empty muffin case on the floor.

Well shoot... Gilbert had a hidey hole and he never even told me.

I sipped my hot chocolate happy to find that it was it wasn't cold and it was also delicious. I could taste cinnamon in it...

There was some noise behind me and I turned to see Gilbert, he had gotten up to the top of the ladder, shooting me a small smile he held out his cup, "Hold this." I took the drink from his outstretched arm.

I stepped back to give him space, he looked like he was trying to impress someone with the speed he had climbed the wall, "Careful." I warned him.

He rolled his eyes, "Mattie, I do this often, you should know that-" Then he disappeared with a loud curse. He had slipped.

I raced over to the window and stuck my head out, looking for him, scared to find a mangled body lying on the ground, "Gilbert!" I was almost shrieking his name.

He was hanging from the top rung, the rest of his body dangling, "I am fine!" He called up, "I meant to do that!" His legs were desperately flailing as he tried to find a foothold.

I let my body slouch over with relief, "Just get up here!" That idiot, he had to be more careful!

I watched him this time as he got himself back up the rungs and to my eye level,

I gave him a hand to get through the window; I fell back on my butt as he made it in, "You gotta be careful..." I told him as he sat up on his knees.

He didn't look at me, I'm pretty sure he was embarrassed; he had been trying to impress me when he was the one to slip, "Whatever..." He muttered, rubbing his shoulder... Wait. Was he hurt?

I shuffled closer, softening and biting my lip, "Hey..." I put my hand over his, "Are you okay?"

He rolled his arm, wincing, "I am fine..." He probably strained it when he slipped, "You should worry about your hand." He nodded to my left hand.

"Eh?" I had no idea what he was talking about but as soon as I looked at the palm of my left hand I could see a gash, gushing with blood, "Oh my gosh!" I jumped back, looking at it, "I didn't even notice!" As soon as I realised it started to sting... It was bleeding a lot.

He smiled a little and took me by the wrist, glad that we weren't talking about him embarrassing himself, "There was probably glass at the window..." He inspected the wound.

My voice was shaky; I never liked blood, especially when it was coming from me, "Gilbert..." It was _really_ stingy now... "It won't stop bleeding... I need a ban-aid."

He grinned a little, "Want me to kiss it better?" He lowered my hand and dabbed at it with the bottom of his shirt, wiping the blood away, "I do not have a band-aid, but you must keep it clean." He patted the back of my hand.

I wiggled my fingers on my bleeding hand, watching the red blood ooze out of the gash, "Not even a bandage?"

He patted my back before pulling me to his side, "You will be okay, it will stop soon if you give it air." He kissed my jaw, "I love you."

I smiled, "I know..." I pulled away from him, we couldn't get distracted, "We need to talk."

He gave a long sigh, "That is true." He sipped his drink, "But first let me get comfortable." He stood up and started to grab blankets.

I liked that idea, even if it did mean more procrastination, "I never even knew about this part of your place... It's nice." I watched as he piled the blankets in a corner for us.

He sat and settled in on the pile, pulling one over him, "I do not come here much, it is for the winter." He smiled patting the space next to him.

I made my way over, "But it's beautiful here, I love the paintings," I looked around the room, "My eyes stopping on the portrait of the stern blonde man, "Is that your brother?"

He wrapped his arms around my waist, having me rest my head on his chest, "_Ja_, he is cute right?" He rested his chin on my head.

Cute was not really the word I would use but we had to get on. Judas wasn't gonna wait for us to quit talking so we had no time to waste, "Listen, Gilbert." I was firm, I had to be but I had to be sympathetic, this was a big thing for him. This was a delicate situation, "We have to go to the cops."

"Yes..." He said, sombrely, "I know."

I was surprised but his answer, though I knew that him acknowledging the right to do wasn't him agreeing to it. We had a while to go but as we snuggled up together I figured talking this out wouldn't be so bad.


	21. Chapter 21

_A/N: Thank you for reading! Remember to review!_

**Twenty-one.**

We had been talking for hours now but it never seemed to get anywhere,

"Gilbert..." I was telling him for the thousandth time, "We have to go to the cops... It's the only way!" I wanted to shake him, every time that I had to drill into him the fact that we weren't going to solve this without help from the authorities he would shake his head an tell me no, no, no.

He was doing that now, "Mattie, you do not understand!" He shrugged, not knowing how to put his point across in any other way, "We cannot do that!"

I was getting so tense, but we weren't yelling yet. In almost a defeated way I let my head drop on to his lap as I got comfortable in the blankets getting ready to try again, "We'd save lives..." I was doing everything in my power to convince him.

He sat back against the wall he knew I was right, but it wasn't that easy, I had to get him to admit that to himself, "It is too dangerous."

I knew he was referencing me, I was the danger, of course I was. In my position I would always be a risk, but this couldn't go on.

I pulled at the blanket, building up the frustration yet again, "People are dying! He's after us because he knows that we could stop him! People are _dying_."

"Stop saying that!" He snapped.

I looked up at him, "But it's true!"

He gave out some kind of snarl before being quiet again and closing his eyes, steadying himself with deep breaths, "I do not want to lose you." And he took my hand, kissing each finger. My heart felt warm... It was so nice to be wanted. So, so nice...

But there was still stuff between us. I pulled my hand away, "I'm not going anywhere."I reminded him. In that shower stall I had realised that as self centred as the notion may be, I wasn't letting Gilbert go. We were all the other had, really.

He didn't go for my hand again, "There has to be another way." He had said this so many times but had never come up with anything.

I pressed my face to his abdomen, he was so warm, "But there isn't, is there?" My voice was muffled.

"There is always another way Mattie!" He was getting desperate again. This is how it was. I would get insistent, he would get upset and tell me no, he would get mad but calm down and then he would get determined. Then I got insistent.

I sat up to look him in the eye. This time, this time my point hit home. It had to; I had said it so many times before.

"You're the one who doesn't get it!" I didn't raise my voice but I could see that he was listening this time, maybe it was the conviction in my voice that grabbed his attention, "What're you gonna do? Kill him? Run away? Just wait for us to get caught by him? You're a homeless man, I'm a kid who is so much of a liability that I could get you arrested in a moment! We are helpless!" I shook his shoulder.

He frowned, "Why would they believe me anyway? And how can I go see the police when you are right, you could get me arrested! They would take you away and say I kidnapped you! We would never be together again!" He looked so upset and it was getting to me, really getting to me. I hated seeing him this way, it just wasn't him, but I couldn't give up.

I softened; I knew this was hard for him... I knew that... "We'll find a way... I promise, we'll find our way around it." I hushed him rubbing his back. Judas would never be something he could imagine ending well.

"I love you." He told me again.

"I know." Was my reply.

He sat up straighter, he was slightly bleary eyed, "You do not know what to do as much as me." He attempted a small laugh.

I pulled a blanket over us both, "I know that we're not letting this go until Judas is locked away forever. And that we'll do it so that the both of us stay together."

He noticed the blanket over us both and that I was wriggling down and curling up next to him, "Are we having a sleep time?"

I got myself comfortable; this was so much nicer than my bed downstairs, "I am... It's been a long day, okay?" I closed my eyes, "You don't have to join me."

"I know," I felt him find his place beside me, "But I will. I want to have a sleep." His warm arms were around me.

My forehead pressed to his, "We'll be safe here, right?" I asked already halfway into dozing off. These blankets were so warm...

He was breathing deeply too, "I will protect you." He told me.

He wasn't quite answering the question but as I felt myself slip away I felt secure enough next to him.

**x++x**

I have no idea what time it was when I woke up but it was dark outside. I guessed that the early hours of the morning but it had been getting dark pretty quickly in the evening these days, so really it was anyone's guess.

I yawned, I still had to talk to Gilbert but it felt so peaceful just lying here... So much better than down on the bottom floor. If I wanted to, now that everything was out in the open, I could have probably joined him on the mattress. We could both fit. We found that out the night before when we did stuff together. But this was still a nicer place to sleep.

I turned onto my side and was surprised to see that Gilbert's eyes were open, looking at the ceiling. It's not like he woke me up often, it was just that he had been so still next to me.

I watched him for a moment; he seemed so at peace that I'd feel bad if I spoiled it by prodding at him and reminding him of all our problems.

But it was actually him spoke first; he glanced at me and smiled before looking up again, "Hey Mattie." He spoke calmly.

I leaned my head on his shoulder, "Hi... How long have you been awake?" When I noticed that he was up he didn't look like he had just opened his eyes.

"Not longer than twenty minute..." He looked at me again, "I could feel you wake up." He gave me a grin.

I looked at him, bewildered... How could he feel that? "How?" I asked.

He sniggered, "Did you not know that when you are waking up your body does a little jolt?" He laughed some more, "It is like a startled bunny rabbit!"

I felt myself blush, "Don't laugh!" I knew it was nothing to be ashamed of but I was still embarrassed... "I didn't even know I did that..." I muttered.

He stopped laughing and gave me a contented squeeze as his hand found mine under the blankets, "Maybe it was a scary dream..." He reassured me, "I have them sometimes."

I didn't pull my hand away; it was too much of a nice moment to do that, "I didn't..." I would have remembered something like that, "What do you dream about that scares you?" I wondered aloud, I never thought Gilbert was the kind of guy to have nightmares.

He snorted, "Take a guess."

Judas.

"Oh." I said, not pushing it. It was like all our conversations had to lead back to that guy. Judas was obviously the only thing strong enough to give Gilbert bad dreams, "Sorry." I shouldn't have brought it up.

He sighed, "It does not matter..." There was a pause before he said something, "You wanna go somewhere?"

I blinked, "Right now?" It was probably the middle of the night, "At this time? It's really late... And we still need to figure out what we're gonna do about you know who!" This wasn't a great time.

He sat up and stretched, "Do not worry, this place will be open! I know that... And there will be people here that will help us."

I sat up next to him, "Help us? But I thought you didn't want anyone even knowing that I exist!" This sounded like a shadier version of going to the police, "It better not be some kind of vigilante..." I warned him.

He gave me a comforting look, "I am not friends with mobsters. Mobsters are not cool people. I am out of their league!"

As much as I did trust Gilbert... "They don't have to be mob guys to be bad news..." I still sounded unsure but he then put a finger to my lips.

"My gang days are over; I am not a violent guy anymore." He did seem sincere...

I got to my feet, "Fine. But there better not be trouble." We had enough going on without all that.

He took my hand and kissed it, "It is a good idea, I know because I thought it!" He put his shoes on and kicked his empty hot chocolate cup down the hole in the floor, "We will go right now!"

I could only watch as he turned around and kneeled down. He was getting himself out the window again and into the night. As I watched the image of him slipping and almost falling on his way up here came into my mind,

"Careful! Don't fall!" He was making me so nervous, "Careful!" I couldn't help saying it. Just thinking about his fall made the cut on my hand sting again. I flexed it; it had stopped bleeding a while back.

He gave me an irritated look, "I can do this okay?" He sounded disgruntled but that didn't stop me wanting to tell him to watch out.

I gulped as he disappeared, waiting a moment before sticking my head out of the window and watching his descent.

He was quick getting down and it did seem easier going down than it was going up. He called to me, "Come on Mattie! You can follow!"

I wanted to say something but stopped trying to think of the right words, some way or another I was getting down to the ground from here, it was best just to get on with it.

I took in a deep breath and turned around before getting to my knees. Slowly and shakily I extended one foot out. Reaching up, I gripped where the window met the wall and my foot found a hold on the ladder under me. I could get my body out, still holding the wall as I stood on the rungs and made sure I was stable.

From there it was easier, climbing down the ladder was better than going up. I tried to pretend I wasn't trembling as I finally made it to the bottom and pushed up my glasses that had almost fallen.

I pulled up my hood, though it was probably quiet enough now for me not to need to, "So where are we going?" I asked.

He kissed the top of my head, "Come." He started to lead the way, "You will see." He turned to wink and I smiled softly before hurrying after him.

**x++x**

The road we took seemed very similar to the one I wandered along earlier and as we progressed on the little walk that Gilbert was taking us down I became more and more certain of where we were going.

"Say..." I decided to test my suspicions, "We wouldn't happen to be going to that bar that you tried to take me to that one time." That was where I met Judas earlier but I wouldn't tell him that, he would just freak out.

He gave me an amused look, "How did you know?" I was right.

I shrugged, "I had a feeling..." I wasn't sure if I was happy about this, "I did say I didn't want to go in there..." I thought back the night we reunited, how he almost dragged me in and how distressed it made me.

He sighed and turned to me, as if he expected me to say that, "Mattie, it is okay to see these guys, I trust them." This is like what he said the last time.

I chewed at my thumb nail, "I don't know..." It was normal for me to feel so on edge about it when I had been so undercover the past few months.

He put hand around me and rubbed my back, "This place is will have no one that is not like me. We have all hit rock bottom in there."

But Gilbert was somehow different from just another person down on their luck, "Then the might turn me in for the glory!" I wasn't convinced.

He picked at a lip piercing as he thought of how to get me to come around, "They are my friends, Mattie. Please."

He did seem so certain...

"Fine." I said, "If you're really, really certain... But I really don't wanna get caught out!" I was so conflicted.

He patted my head and turned back around to keep walking, "I am certain! If I was not I would not take you here."

It only took a little longer to get there. I looked at the scene, it was a little different in the dark but I could still recognise it enough to shudder. This is where I met Judas and his stupid cat... It would be better inside.

Like normal, there was noise coming from inside but the exterior was dull and ghetto looking. I had a feeling that this place wasn't legal... I bet they didn't have a licence to even sell peanuts and I highly doubted that a health inspector had even heard of it. But I guess that's what the people here liked about it.

Gilbert opened the door and the warm light flowed from it, illuminating his face, "Are you ready?" At least he was being sensitive to my nervousness. Someone from inside shouted his name and he waved at them before looking at me again.

Oh well... At least I would be able to talk to someone who wasn't Gilbert... "I'm ready." I told him.

He held the door open for me, "Cool, enter."

I stepped into the bar. It was warmer in here, louder too.

Looking around I saw a main bar with a guy behind it who looked relaxed and calm enough watching the merriment around him. He looked like a soft guy but it was hard to ignore the big blue tattoo over the right side of his face and neck, giving him a rougher look. At the bar there was one guy huddled over his beer and a skinny woman with long red hair, a joint between her bony fingers and her midriff showing under her pink crop top. Her hair was a mess and her make-up bright and smeared but she still gave a strange appeal. He spoke occasionally to the guy behind the bar.

There was loud music playing, it sounded traditional. Not at all like the modern techno you would get at a bar downtown and there were dozens of people dancing happily, some drunk and some nearly there but all happy. It was a warm atmosphere... Strangely enough the only person who seemed shifty in here was a guy beside the bar who kept twitching and muttering. He sat on a wooden crate and was surrounded by smashed bottles. I thought I'd stay back from him.

I was too busy gazing around, so it startled me to suddenly feel Gilbert grab my waist from behind.

I grabbed at his hands, "Gilbert!"

He gave me a light squeeze but still cuddled into me, "It is neat, right?"

I nodded, he was right these people actually looked kind hearted; they wouldn't snitch on us being together. This might even be a nice place.

He let go of me but grabbed my hand, "Come on, I will introduce you to the people I know.

He led me straight to the bar and slammed his hands on the surface with a big smile, "Give me two beers!" He exclaimed confidently.

For a moment I got worried that the guy was gonna get mad for Gilbert's violent approach but when the guy turned to us I could see he was used to it.

He grabbed two beer mugs from under the counter, "Gilbert! It has been long time..." He grinned, his English was more accented than Gilbert and not as good but it still impressed me, "You talk English for reason?" He asked. His voice was soft but croaky and he was obviously so used to Gilbert's quirks.

Gilbert plopped himself onto a barstool and nodded, "_Ja_." He pointed to me, "This is Mattie, he is my American friend!"

I jumped in immediately, "I'm Canadian!" I reminded him. But really I was glad he was just referring to me. I was too used to people forgetting me the moment someone else came into the picture.

"Oh?" The man turned to me, not even fazed by the fact that I was a missing person... Either he didn't know or didn't care, the latter was more likely...

"He speaks no German." Gilbert informed him, "Mattie," He put his hands on my shoulders, "This is Janice, and he is a cool dude."

J-Janice... His name was _Janice_? But I was sure that was a girl's name... Janice was definitely not a girl, next Gilbert would be telling me that the woman along the bar was called Robert... But I wasn't gonna be judgemental. Janice was a nice name.

Janice winked at me and smirked, "I know you..." He laughed a little, "Gilbert told me many about you!"

Gilbert had been talking about me to this guy? I felt a blush creep up and I looked to Gilbert, "Really?"

"Oi oi!" Gilbert growled, also embarrassed, he took the beer that Janice had made for him and took a big long gulp before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "We are not talking about that!"

Both Janice and I laughed, it felt so good to have a laugh with someone else after all this time, it was strangely liberating...

Janice carried on talking to me, "Do you know, he will name you 'Birdie' when he talk to me about you?" He pushed a beer to me.

I was getting over the embarrassment and was actually kinda flattered by all this now, "Gilbert..." I said bashfully as he hid his face in this beer mug, "Why is that?" I asked playfully.

He slammed the beer mug down, he was bright red, "Because you are so small, soft and sweet you remind me of a little sparrow, okay!?" He scowled at me then Janice, "Shut it."

I would be fine here.


	22. Chapter 22

_A/N: Over 100 reviews, guys! Thank you so much!_

**Twenty-two**

We talked for a while, Gilbert, Janice and me. Some was in broken English and some in German but whatever language was being used, I felt included in the conversation. It was such a nice feeling that I never got back home...

I loved this.

"Mattie," Janice turned to me, taking on the nickname Gilbert gave me, "You have not drink beer!" He gestured to the frothy mug in front of me with a welcoming smile.

I gave an apologetic laugh, beer was _not_ my thing, but I wasn't gonna tell Janice that... He had just been too nice, "I'm sorry!" I told him and lifted the hefty glass to my lips for a sip, wincing at that smell.

Gilbert put a hand on my shoulder and leaned into my ear, "Listen, it is okay. He won't be offended if you don't want it, I'll have it." He spoke in a low tone but Janice was distracted by the skinny woman with red hair and probably wouldn't have understood that anyway.

I was kinda relieved but still worried in case I made Janice sad, "Really? I kinda don't wanna reject his hospitality..."

Gilbert put his hand over the rim of my glass and pulled it to him, "It is probably not even in a clean glass, I do not think it is good for you. I will have it." He was just finishing his own.

I gave a sly smile, "Oh? So you just wanted my beer, was that it?" I giggled.

He waved it off, "_Nein_!" He turned so he could lean back against the bar, "If it was only that I would have just taken it!" He winked and I have to admit that my heart gave a little flutter.

I was about to reply when the skinny woman with red hair stepped closer to us, a sly grin on her red lips, "_Oh, es ist Gilbert_ ... _Mit einem kleinen Jungen_..." Her tone as she started to speak to us was teasing and she looked right at me... I kinda felt nervous, "_Vorstellen mich, ja_?" She gave a tinkling laugh and ruffled my hair.

Gilbert didn't look amused, I grabbed his arm, "Hey what did she say?" I asked him, "Do you know her?"

He stuck his tongue out at her. It was all playful banter but I was getting kinda stressed, "_Hallo, Hexe_~" He said to her before turning to me, "Mattie, this is Mika..." He hesitated for a second, "She is a hooker."

I looked to her, then back to Gilbert. Then her again. "Like a prostitute?" I tried to confirm what he just told me.

He nodded, "_Ja_... But she is okay. Though she does not know English."

I blinked a few times, coming to terms with it, "Oh, well... That's fine! I mean I-" I was cut off by Mika stroppily hitting Gilbert in the arm,

"_Hör auf dammit_!_ Was warden du ihm sagen_?!"

Gilbert sighed, "Introducing you!" He spoke in English before going back to German, "_Mattie hier ist mein Freund... Seien du nett_!"

I was looking between them like I was watching tennis. It was confusing and this woman didn't seem anything like Janice... She scared me a little.

I tugged at his sleeve some more, I felt rude but I didn't like the way this Mika was looking at me.

He put his hand over mine, "It is fine, Mattie, okay?" He gave a little wink, "I will look after you." He looked back at her.

But all her focus was suddenly on me, Mika stepped closer. Her arms suddenly around my shoulders, "_Nun_..._Er ist Süss_..." She suddenly kissed my cheek and I could smell the tobacco and weed on her as I flushed bright red, "_Und er sieht reich_!" Her head hung back as she laughed.

I glanced to Gilbert, looking rather frightened of the whole situation. He looked kinda peeved,

He pulled at her shoulder, "Oi!"

I pleaded for help with my eyes, "Um, Gil'?" I tried to back away from Mika but she was surprisingly strong... "What did she say?" Gosh, I wish I had learned German.

He looked frustrated as he tried to split us up, "Nothing!" He cried, "Just-" He grabbed my hand and pulled at me, but was interrupted,

Mika spoke to me now, "_Sind du eine Jungfrau_?" She sounded teasing as she smiled, her arms on my shoulders.

Gilbert was going red and looked seriously distressed, "Mika!" He exploded, "_Beenden du das_!" He finally wrenched her off at last, "_Aufhören_!"

He took my arm and pulled me away, still talking to me in German as I looked back to see Mika's playful wave goodbye,

I followed him as we wormed back into the crowds, "Where are we going?" I asked but didn't need to wonder much longer, I was pulled into a badly lit restroom.

He was clearly sulking, muttering under his breath, "Why will you not just date me!?" He looked at me as I waited for him to calm down.

I sighed and leaned against the wall, we were lucky the restroom was vacant, "We can't go on dates while we're like this. I can't even go out in public." I pointed out,

He gave me a sour look, "You know what I mean." He stood at the other side of the room, this was gonna get slightly awkward. He was talking about me loving him again...

I fiddled with the bottom of my shit, "Well..." I tried to start but couldn't find a way to finish. I tried again, "We didn't come here for this, we have to ask about Judas." I let him drag me here for a reason.

There was a lot of hesitation and I could see he knew I was right, "If you do not want me, just fucking tell me." He sounded so glum. I didn't like it.

"Hey, that isn't what I'm saying!" I wanted to go closer to him, "I need time, and I mean you came out with it all so suddenly and..." I was scared of rambling so I made my point, "I need time. I said that."

He took a deep breath, "It was not cool that Mika met you."

I gave a small laugh, "Agreed!" I was relieved to have something we both agreed on.

He looked at me for a moment before opening his arms and allowing me to come towards him, "She is cool but will eat men up if they look like they can pay her... It is strange because she does not like men or women."

I walked right into his arms, resting my head on his chest, "So why is she a hooker?" I let him rub up and down my back as we spoke, our words echoing off the tiled walls.

He chuckled, "Money!" He kissed the top of my head, "She likes money."

I sighed, "Yeah... We all do." I clenched my fist and gathered my courage before leaning up and kissing him on the lips.

I felt him freeze and I screwed my eyes shut, worried that I was doing something wrong.

Then I felt him kiss me back and my whole body felt warm. We parted and I kissed him again and again and again. His hands rested on my waist as mine cupped around his neck, it was peaceful...

So trust Gilbert to ruin the moment by stopping and whispering into my ear, "Mattie, have you ever had your cock sucked? It is so great!" He snickered.

I felt myself flare up and I pushed him away, "Don't say those things!" He was embarrassing me again...

He laughed, "I will suck you off if you want! I am offering!" He gave me a grin, this guy was as bad as Mika...

I wrinkled my nose a few times, "In here?!" This place was a total sty, "That's gross! This was supposed to be relaxed!"

He pouted but cupped my face, "Fine, fine!" He said stroppily, "Just kiss me again then, I will do that to you later." He leaned in towards me,

Our lips were brushing when I put my hand on his chest and pushed him back, "You know what? No. I don't even feel like it anymore." I strutted over the mirror, flattening out the hair that Gilbert messed up.

He looked at me, his mouth agape, "Mattie!? Come _on_!"

I couldn't resist a small smile, "Sorry~" I beckoned him, "Come on, we're asking people if they know anything to do with Judas. I've been put off making out with you."

He stuck his tongue out at me, "Whatever. Fuck it, we need to go." He shoved past me as he headed for the door.

I laughed as I followed him, "Calm down..."

We made it back into the busy bar, I could see it was even busier than before, and Mika was all over some plump guy who was really buying into her.

I knew that Gilbert would have a better idea of who to ask so I looked at him, "Well? Where next?" He was looking around.

He took my hand, "Follow me; I have a few people I will talk to." We headed for the crowds.

We asked around five people but there was nothing, they all knew who Judas was, though each one knew him by a different name but only three had met him. None of them had any information on what he might know about us,

"This isn't really working..." I complained as we walked away with nothing again from a guy with one leg.

He rolled his eyes, "I know!" He put his face in his hands, making a long frustrated noise, "We might as well ask Janice." He shrugged, and beckoned me.

I followed as Gilbert strode over to where Janice was busy picking labels off of beer bottles.

He looked up and set the beer under the counter when he saw us approaching, already grabbing two mugs for us... How could I politely reject another drink?

Gilbert jumped up onto a bar stool, "Okay, Janice," He spoke in English for my benefit, "We do need your help." He looked worn down as he grabbed the new beer he was just given and took a long sip.

Janice raised his brow and gave us his full attention, "I can help? What is needed?" He was really nice guy; the others all seemed suspicious when we asked them for help, even if they did know Gilbert.

Gilbert gave him the situation, doing his best to explain who Judas was, given that if Janice did know him it would be by another name and telling what Judas had done to us and what we did. It was mostly German but I didn't mind, it was easier that way.

Janice gave us few nods once Gilbert was finished, "I do know who you talk about... I know many person." He knew Judas? This was great! I looked at Gilbert, as we let ourselves get hopeful once more.

I leaned over the counter, "You do?" I glanced to Gilbert who nodded for me to go on, "Do you know anything about him now?"

"We need to know how much he knows about us, what we could do to stop him." Gilbert added, his tone serious but his hand still squeezing mine.

Janice stepped back and put his palms up to us. My heart sank, he knew nothing.

"You are talking to only wrong people!" He exclaimed, "I do not think that he would tell plans to people except his men. You will never find out using that way!" He gave us a smile, "You should tell police."

I did want to put across an 'I told you so' attitude but I still looked to Gilbert who was staring down at the counter having heard the answer that he took me here to avoid.

I still couldn't resist murmuring, "He's right, Gil'..." I rubbed his back.

He closed his eyes for a few moments before looking at me, his eyes only showing unmasked adoration. He reached out and brushed hair from the side of my face, running his thumb over my cheek bone.

He looked at Janice, "I cannot do that." He dropped his hand from my face but I could still feel where it was.

Janice served Mika, who had been watching us blankly for some time now but still spoke to us, "You must understand, it is what you can do to mean safe for you and you" He looked between us both.

Gilbert got a little more animated, "No, we must not do that! Mattie is-" He started but Janice raised one hand to silence him.

"I know that." He said calmly, "I know who he is."

I was taken aback. He knew? I never realised... He hadn't let on that he had any idea at all? Should have I been worried?

Janice must have noticed my mild panic because I gazed at him in alarm he shot a quick wink my way. It reassured me a little; his expression said it all, it said, 'your secret is safe with me.'

And I liked that.

Gilbert was less calm, "Then do not suggest dumb things!" He was so tired of being told to go to the police.

Janice pressed his hands on the counter and leaned closer to Gilbert, "If you do this, much good things will happen. It is the only way that will get him gone and keep him gone."

I gave Gilbert a reassuring smile, "He's right. And it would save lives."

Gilbert looked up at Janice darkly, "If you are so set on that, why do you not go and tell the police?" He sounded gruff.

Janice showed signs of wavering in his argument, "I have not enough on him to turn in him." He looked at Gilbert waiting for him to agree with him.

But Gilbert just stood up, "I do not feel like dancing tonight. I am going." He announced, he looked at me, "Are you going to stay longer?" He asked me.

I shook my head and stood up; we both knew that I wouldn't like it here without to hide behind, "I'm ready to go."

He gave this pathetic little whine and I noticed he was going through his wallet, "I do not have enough cash." He was checking his pockets but there was nothing for him to pay with.

Janice watched him in pity before waving him away, "Fine, I will not charge cost."

Gilbert looked at him, before smiling, "Good... Come on, Mattie." Gilbert beckoned me as headed through the crowd.

"Bye..." I told Janice and was about to go.

"Wait." Janice stopped me. I turned and he appealed to me, "Look after him, he is good guy. I am glad he found someone he wants being with."

I felt my face go warm. So Janice definitely knew how Gilbert felt about me. I nodded, "Thanks for talking to him," I said, "He'll go to the police sometime. I promise."

Janice gave me a small smile, "_Danke_." He spoke with sincerity.

I acknowledged his thanks before rushing off after Gilbert.

**x++x**

"So..." I began, we had been walking and talking for a while now, we were almost home. He was his happy goofy self but we hadn't brought up what we were gonna do next yet, "Will you go to the cops?"

He was quiet for a second and I was scared that I ruined our walk home but he told me calmly, "I have a plan, Mattie. It does involve the police."

I blinked a few times. Had I done it? Was he convinced? "Seriously? What's the plan?"

He grinned, "You will see. Soon." We made it back home and I lay down on the mattress exhausted.

I nodded and patted the space next to me, "I could sleep until noon!" I exclaimed.

He gave a low chuckle and watched me, "Then sleep. I am leaving."

"Eh!?" I sat up, it was only sunrise, "Where are you going!?"

"Work." He told me and grabbed his bag, "I will be back that the regular time."

"Oh..." I remembered that someone had to earn some money, "You have to go today?"

He sorted his stuff, "_Ja_." He stood up, "I will come back with lunch later."

"Gil'..." I looked at him mopily, "Don't leave..."

He smiled gently, "I must go, I did not go yesterday and people will miss me. Sleep well."

"I get really lonely here without you." I confessed.

There was nothing he could do, "I know. I shall see you later." He was ready to head off, "I love you."

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again. I didn't know what I was about to say to him but it certainly wasn't the half hearted 'see ya' that I gave as our parting words.


	23. Chapter 23

_A/N: thanks for reading!_

**Twenty-three**

Time passed. Judas hadn't shown but we were always on edge. Gilbert went to work and I stayed up in the room he had kept hidden with all the blankets to keep warm. We slept down on the ground floor but now we shared the mattress and used my sleeping bag as an extra blanket. We were almost there, things were nearly normal.

But there were two big things that stopped me from calling our situation comfortable.

First off, though none of us had seen him we were certain that Judas was still after us. We took turns sleeping, one sat up in bed while the other rested, switching at around midnight. The tension ate us both.

Secondly, Gilbert was still in love with me. And I couldn't think of one day that he hadn't told me and made me feel like the only good thing to say next was 'I love you too'. But I never replied with that, truthfully, I hadn't even thought about my feelings for Gilbert. I didn't dare. Why? Because I was too scared.

Judas could find us any day. I refused to put my heart in danger of breaking, even though Gilbert insisted he had this plan I was refusing to fall in love with him. Not when so much was already at stake.

But we still kissed, and we still lay side by side at night. Our make out sessions could last for almost an hour, even though afterwards I tried to convince myself that I would stop it after we finished, and reminded myself that I had to stop leading him on. Every time those warm lips found mine on a frosty night I would accept them and lean in.

I was a mess.

"Mattie." Gilbert called me, we were both on the very bottom floor, on the mattress watching the sky though the hole in Gilberts roof. It made no sense to do that because we couldn't see a single star but it still felt nice. It felt comforting.

I didn't look at him, but lately we knew the other was listening even when we weren't looking them in the face, "Yeah?"

He stretched his arms above his head, "Do you..." He gave a little sigh. I think what he was about to talk to me about was something that he had been putting off for a while now, "Do you remember that thing we did that night?"

... Not helpful, Gil', "Um... What thing?" I ushered him to go a little deeper into detail.

"You know it!" He urged me like I was supposed to share his thoughts, "That thing when we..." He looked for a good way to put it, "When I was horny and you were horny and we..." He trailed off, hoping he didn't have to expand nay further.

And he didn't. I burned red. I knew exactly the night he was talking about. It was the one that he almost took me but instead we rubbed ourselves together, "Yeah..." My voice was small, "I remember..." This was awkward.

I heard a sound of relief, "That. Yes. Well," He went on, "Was that your first time doing a thing like that?" He put his hand over mine.

My face was hot and I suddenly couldn't feel comfortable. Bu I still answered the question, for us to talk about this is what I had wanted, "Yeah..." I had only kissed a few people let alone done that... "What about you?" I asked, though I knew the answer already.

"It was not," He said, just like I expected, "But it was the best time." He offered as if he was trying to make me feel less of a virgin,

I picked at my sweater, "When did you stop being a virgin?" I sounded meek and I didn't really know why I was asking, I already I didn't wanna know the answer.

Gilbert made a little humming noise as he thought back, "I was fifth-teen." He said and I winced, his tone was flippant. Did he care about the meaning of what we did at all? I was starting to question that.

"Oh..." I had nothing to say to that, but I still stupidly asked, "I bet you get a lot of attention from girls and stuff." I laughed, trying to sound less... Wait. Was this jealousy?

He cackled, "I am a ladies' man!" He exclaimed proudly, "I do not do it with guys often though." He was trying to make me feel better again...

I was aware that I was getting a pout, "What do you mean by 'often'? Jeeze..." I was jealous.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, "I have gotten around... I did not think that what I did was a first for you Mattie."

I didn't look at him, "I thought it was obvious." I didn't exactly look or act experienced like he did.

I could feel him smiling, "You are too cute to have not have gotten laid." He ruffled my hair.

"Really?" That got a little smile. But it also brought a memory that I had been pushing back for a while, when Judas told me that I was undesirable. My smile suddenly faded. Gilbert just said that stuff so I would be happy and distract me from his explicit past. Judas was right, he had no reason to lie.

But the fact that he _had_ been doing this for so long still lingered at the front of my mind. I looked at him now, "Do you do that stuff a lot?" I asked.

He levelled his hand to show me that it was somewhere in the middle, "It is a normal thing for a twenty-two year old guy, okay? It would be weird if I was a virgin!"

He was right, but me being so much younger it made him feel out of me league, even if he did say he loved me, "Does that sort of stuff..." Here was the million dollar question, "Does that stuff still mean something to you?" My voice was small; I was scared of what his answer might be.

But he was vague anyway, "It depends." Is all he said.

I grew in confidence and determination as I pushed him on, "Depends on what?"

I got a little more detail here, "Who it is... If I am sober... What position we are in... That kind of thing."

"Okay..." I took a deep breath, "What about the time we did that thing you were talking about?"

He stopped and looked at me for a moment narrowing his eyes, "Mattie, I am in love with you, take a fucking guess."

I chewed in my lower lip, "Well you had just woken up and you were half asleep...I don't know!"

He looked at me like I was the dumbest thing on this earth. But then again, saying all this even after all the times he told me he loved me, probably meant I was.

"It did mean something," he said, less jokily than expected, "I did not mean for it to just happen like that before we even knew how the other felt but it was still special, okay?" He sighed, I knew talking like that, about such emotional stuff wasn't his thing but I really did appreciate him explaining what all that stuff we did that night meant on his part. Things could only get clearer from here on out.

"And what about that first kiss when you rescued me?" I asked, I thought back to the time he randomly kissed me at Judas'. The time when kissing back was bad idea but I did it anyway because my feelings were that I was hopelessly in love with him and was certain of that. I might have still been hopelessly in love with him, but I didn't know, because on one hand I hated him for hurting me that time, and knew that even just admitting my love for him to myself put me in the position to be hurt again. I certainly wasn't admitting anything until the threat of Judas was dead and gone.

But back to the kiss. He called it a spur of the moment, that's what, really got me. But the whole dynamic of everything like that we had ever done together had changed since he told me he loved me.

"That?" Gilbert asked like he had just remembered it, "That was..." He trailed off. Maybe I was wrong, it was just spur of the moment. That was embarrassing.

"Doesn't matter." I said quickly.

But he still watched my expression, "I thought when I was running to find you that I would not see you alive again." He said solemnly, "And that the last thing I did to you was kick you out... I am awesome and I never regret things but that time I kinda wished that I did not send you away in an angry way like that. That is why I kissed you, I was so relieved to have that chance again." He suddenly laughed, "But obviously I saved you and was really cool because I am a boss!"

I curled into him, "So it wasn't just spur of the moment?" I felt like a weight was lifted from me, he really did love me back then!

He ruffled my hair, "_Nein_." He hugged me and I felt my cheeks ache from smiling, "I always meant something."

"This doesn't get you off the hook for hurting my feelings over it though!" I spoke though a smile, "You did kick me out in the end!"

He rolled his eyes, "Yes, I know... I knew that it would all be okay in the end, and it was. Because I ate my vegetables I became a fortune teller I knew that we would meet again! It is fine!"

True enough, it was odd that we had reunited so many times under our circumstances in such a huge city, "Hm..." I pondered this, "It's like the universe wants us to stay together." I mused.

He liked that idea and nodded vigorously, "_Ja_! _Ja_! That is it!" He laughed, "So we must stay together!"

I put my head on his shoulder, "Yeah." I said calmly.

"Yes." Gilbert repeated.

And then suddenly he stiffened in my arms.

Then came a hoarse whisper, "Fuck." He said.

I frowned, way to ruin the moment... "Gilbert?" I murmured but then I felt something hot and wet. Why was he bleeding?

Oh no.

I sat up quickly, and my worst fears were confirmed. There he was; Judas.

He had two men with him and one held a gun, it took me a moment to put it together that Gilbert had been shot.

Judas smiled, "Found you." He said it as if we were playing a game of hide and seek, "And it such slum like conditions..." He wrinkled his nose as he looked around our home.

"You go away!" I was shouting already when Gilbert started to make fast paced little pants in from of me. He was losing blood.

I turned him to face me, his eyes were wide as dark blood oozed from one arm, and "You shot him!" I almost screeched. I looked back at Gilbert and almost burst into tears.

"Mattie!" His voice was jerky, he was shaking. What if he was dying? "You must run!" He gripped my arm tightly, "Run away! I have my plan! Go to Janice, he knows!" He looked at me urgently but I couldn't help but think of his life slipping away... Could I really leave him like this?

"You were shot!" My voice shook and I didn't notice that the tears were coming until they splashed his face.

He grabbed my collar, yanking me down to him, "Go. Janice." Was all he said before releasing me.

For some reason, I looked to Judas. He was challenging me, I could see it. He was telling me to chose between running and sticking by Gilbert. He would get me anyway. He didn't find this to be a threat to him.

But Gilbert had told me so many times that he had a plan, he was shot but he was already almost on his feet. He was strong and he wanted me to go.

I gritted my teeth, reading myself before I ran at the two men at the door. I gave a small angry yell as I shoved past them and wormed out onto the street, leaving Gilbert to face Judas as Judas told his men to go after me.

My feet pounded the street as I raced away, fumbling as I pulled up my hood up and tried to make some distance between me and the thugs. One still had the gun but wasn't shooting, they probably wanted me alive.

I knew where I was going without even thinking about it. The bar wasn't far away and it was the only place that I could think of that might be safe for me. I the two guys behind me were slower than me; I could make it in there without them being too close.

I knew my way by now to the bar and pushed myself, faster, faster! Gilbert was in serious danger and I had to do something about the other two behind me quickly.

I didn't bother opening the door normally; I slammed my whole body into the door, opening it with a bang. I knew who to go to.

I yelled out, I had barely any time to get back to Gil', "Janice!" I ran, shoving past people to the counter, "Janice, help me!" He looked at me in surprise but in between my pants I kept on talking, my voice shaking and body screaming in pain from all the running, "Gilbert got shot! Judas found us, he told me to come to you so help me!" I was aware that I was yelling but I had run out of bothers to give.

Luckily, Janice seemed to know what I was talking about.

Janice leaned across to me, all serious, "You were followed?" He posed it as a question so I nodded.

"Two guys." I confirmed.

He nodded, "Remember them?" He asked, how could I!? I was in a blind panic!

I shook my head, "But they were thugs!" I offered, they were probably just gang members, paid to do the dirty work of chasing whoever tried to run and shooting people.

Janice wasted no time, he knew that is I didn't remember the guys that chased me, he shouldn't waste time pressing me, "But lost them?" He asked. The questions and the thinking back was making my head spin.

"Yes! No... Maybe... I don't know!" I made a frustrated noise, why was I so incompetent!?

He patted me on the shoulder as my heart sank further, "It is okay." He told me, "I know what we do." He shouted over to someone and they nodded. They climbed up on top of the end of the counter, trying to get everyone's attention.

I looked at Janice again, "What's he doing?" Others in the crowd, started to take action, guiding drunken people out of a back exit.

Janice winked, "He is making people go. If you were followed bad thing if they get in and hurt my customers."

I bit my lip, thank goodness, looks like this was a plan that really had been thought through... Nobody here was gonna suffer because of us. This was gonna be okay, it had to be.

One person though wasn't leaving and came straight to the bar, Mika. She was tying her hair back as she approached a determined smile on her lips.

I smiled back, I didn't know why she was here but she was going to help me, I was sure of it.

Janice jumped over the counter in the now empty bar and looked at me sternly,

"What's the plan?" I asked; I was ready.

He looked between us, "Mika does know, but you are two going to Gilbert, he will need you. I have men going to Judas home, they will find evidence of the crimes, I have weapons for if you run into Judas men but it will be a quick route that you will take that is hidden. Gilbert will explain once you are at him." He walked quickly around the side of the counter and came back with two baseball bats, giving Mika and me one each. This was too real, this was it.

This was gonna be the end of Judas.

I looked at Janice for a moment; Mika was changing her stilettos for flats so I took I moment to look at him with sincerity, "Thank you." I told him. After Gilbert got shot I was totally in panic mode, Janice gave me something to do that made me feel like I was helping.

He nodded, "You have half hour to get to him and get out. I am calling police then."

My eyes widened. So this was why I was told to come here, "He's okay with that?" I asked. Mika tapped my shoulder, we had to go now.

"_Ja_. It is all planned." He confirmed, "You must all have set up like Gilbert wants by this time."

I nodded, Mika was heading out the door and neither of us had the communication skills for me to tell her to wait up. I dashed after her to keep up as she led me into the dark streets.

She gave me a smile and within moments we were running again through places that I never knew. Mika was so experienced with the streets around here; it was obvious that she was calculating the best ways around those two thugs as we ran. The bats were heavy but I felt empowered and slightly less afraid of whoever might be around the corner.

But then it got pretty hard. Mika took me up some steps and stopped at a pipe that ran up the side of the building. She gave me a firm gesture that I had to follow as she grabbed the metal with both hands and used it to scale the textured side of the building.

What was it with the Berlin street people and scaling heights!?

She was on the roof, beckoning frantically for me to follow as I prepared myself. I couldn't stop now, Gilbert was in too much danger I grabbed the piping and propelled myself up.

It was easier than I thought it might be, I got a hand from Mika onto the roof before we exchanged a nod to say we were both good to go and we started our journey from the rooftops. It was probably very beautiful, but I didn't think it was the time to be looking. I was careful not to look down as we made it from roof to roof. I wasn't allowed to be scared, I was on a mission.

Judas had done too much to Gilbert and me. He stole a kidney, he put Gilbert in a dark place, he tried to kill us both, he had made me lose my body confidence for a while, he put us both through trauma and for the past few weeks had made us unable to function! He needed taken down!

My fury got the better of me as I overtook Mika she seemed to slow down in surprise as she watched me race along the unstable roof top, fuelled by adrenaline and pure need to get this guy out of our lives, forever!

I could see where it was that we lived; the old store unit was recognisable by the alleyway and the hole leading down it.

Thankfully we weren't as high as the roof of our home so getting down wouldn't be impossible. There was a dumpster close by. I looked at Mika and she gave me a thumbs up. I didn't even hesitate in closing my eyes and just taking one step off the roof air filling my lungs and free falling down before I crashed ungracefully into the padding of the cardboard boxes in the dumpster. I got off quickly, leaving space for Mika, who chose to just fall on her back, something that made her look like a falling angel.

Once we were both down Mika gave me a look to ask if I was okay. I nodded and gave the same look back. She nodded.

But really I wasn't fine, I wasn't gonna be fine until this was all over because I was horribly terrified of what was going on just around the corner, where Gilbert was fighting alone.

We walked with purpose and I didn't stop to take a moment before entering because I had a feeling that if I did I would be too scared to go in there and face whatever truth was coming next.

"Gilbert!" I yelled and stopped in my tracks when I saw him, he was still on the ground, I wasn't sure if he had ever gotten up, his wounded arm limp. He held an iron bar and seemed to be defending himself against Judas. We were lucky Judas didn't have a gun too, but I had a bad premonition that the reason for that was he didn't want to damage any organs, Gilbert being shot in the arm alone was as much risk as Judas would take before ensuring Gilbert's slow and painful death.

I was ready to run to him, he looked like he was barely hanging on in this fight but before I could even take a step Judas had me and slammed me into the wall. I could see that he had lost it but now, the calm facade had fallen. I kicked my legs but couldn't connect any blows.

Gilbert yelled a kind of animalistic yell and tried to get up to reach me but Mika shoved him down. He tried again and she insistently kept him down, not wanting him to push himself with his injury.

"You bastard!" I spluttered as I wriggled and kicked, "Leave us alone!"

Mika was suddenly there behind him, I gasped for breath as I was let go of, falling to my knees and watching as Mika yanked Judas from me by the back of his jacket and swinging him across the room into the wall.

I crawled to Gilbert at the first moment I could. He opened his good arm and I got into it, moving close to his side.

"Mattie!" He sounded short of breath, "We have to fight!" He looked at Mika who had grabbed Gilbert's iron bar and was deploying a style of fighting that obviously worked better when she was in stilettos, with a lot of jabbing kicks probably used when she had to defend against certain customers.

I shook my head at him, "Don't you dare move." I told him, it was far too dangerous for him in that state.

He looked at me like I was ordering him to his death; I knew this was a pride thing for him. But that didn't make any changes.

Judas fell to the floor and Mika was looking us with a smile as she panted heavily. Judas wasn't moving and blood pooled from where he hit his head. He was out cold... That Mika could really fight.

And that's the moment when I realised that this was it; this was how we were taking a bad guy down.


	24. Chapter 24

_A/N: New chapter! Hope you like it and review! Thanks for reading_

**Twenty-four**

The three of us all exchanged looks as silence filled the room. Judas was out cold and Janice was calling the cops. We had won.

I stood up slowly; I was still unable to contemplate the scene in front of me.

I grabbed Mika and hugged her tightly; she was instrumental in what had happened... I owed her my life!

I sniffed as she hesitantly patted my back, "Thank you!" I told her, "Oh my gosh... Thank you so, so much!

I heard Gilbert stand up behind me, "_Ja_." He said, I don't think he really had comprehended what this meant as he told Mika she could ask us for anything or stay with us for a while if she wanted in German.

I stopped hugging her; she wore a humbled, bashful smile that looked nicer than her usual sultry expression as she thanked Gilbert.

Gilbert turned to me, clutching his arm, "We do not have long, Mattie, Janice has given an address to the police," He kicked Judas roughly, straightening him out, "Let's go!"

I watched him with worry, he had a bullet wound, it was bad for him to do all that!

I tapped his back, "Hey... How about we do that?" I asked meekly.

He shook his head stubbornly, "I can do it, Mattie!" He gave me a big sparkly wound, "Because I am the strongest!"

"Um." I looked him up and down... He looked terrible, "You have a bullet lodged in your flesh." I pointed out.

He laughed it off and waved his hand, grabbing Judas by his hands, "Come on you guys! We have to put this loser in the jail!" He beckoned Mika, who hoisted up Judas' feet so that the two were carrying him.

Fine. Gilbert was way too stubborn and we needed to be quick so I took on the role of carrying baseball bats and iron piping in case of Judas waking up, but if Gilbert showed even one sign of being weak he was going straight home. He did seem kinda indestructible though. He had countless injuries and here he was, grinning as we carried Judas off to dump him at an unknown roadside.

**x++x**

I watched Gilbert with as much care as I could without him telling me to keep my look out for cops or anyone who might see us and think it was kinda weird that three people were carrying a half dead body through the streets.

Gilbert stopped, "Here is where we will leave him..." He dropped Judas' carelessly and Mika let go of his legs. Gilbert looked at the crumpled body and took a deep breath.

I put a hand on his shoulder, my voice low, "You okay?" I asked sympathetically. This was a huge thing for him.

He looked at Judas for what seemed like forever before smiling at me, "_Ja_." He said firmly, "This is good, right? I..." He sniffed, "I do not have to worry anyone! I am free now!" He suddenly hugged me and held me tight.

I smiled and closed my eyes, "That's right. But we better get outta here, people will see."

He let go, "You are right!" He turned to Mika telling her that she could go, he'd come by to see her soon.

She gave me a wink and a wave before heading off in the direction of the bar. She would tell Janice how it went. Gilbert and I knew what we were doing; going home to try to forget this nightmare. Right after we fixed Gilbert's arm!

"Are you ready!?" I was suddenly panicking a little, "Gilbert we have to fix that bullet wound!"

He looked at where it was oozing blood, "Uhh..." He moved the bad arm, "We have to..." He made a small noise of pain. It was maybe the adrenaline that kept him feeling okay until now.

"Umm..." I hopped from one foot to the other, not sure what to do for him, "Bandages!" I decided, "We need some bandages!" The cops were coming... We didn't have long...

He nodded, squeezing his eyes shut tight, "I... Will get them." He started to stagger away.

I chased after him, "Wait! You can't go in a store like that!"

"I can." He told me, "Mattie I will be fine." He gave me an attempt at a smile with his gritted teeth.

I bit my lip, "...I'll go." I finally said, as he tried to go again.

"Hey..." He came back towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, "I will be okay, please wait for me at our home, it will be fine, yes?" He touched our foreheads together, "I need somebody to keep the bed warm for me!" He laughed and stepped back, "I will be back in not long!"

I sighed and pouted, "Fine..." I had to believe that he'd be okay. He always was. Besides, he might have needed a moment after what had just happened with Judas.

I headed back and collapsed in exhaustion onto the mattress. There was blood on it, still warm. I felt for a moment and wrinkled my nose. Gross. But I was past caring about it.

I just lay there when I got back, for a whole ten minutes. I vaguely knew that I was gonna go look for Gilbert if he took any longer than twenty but aside from that I just looked up through the hole in the ceiling and breathed softly.

He came in just as I was starting to feel worry seeping in. He seemed subdued too, that was so strange for him. But we were both tired. Really tired. More mentally exhausted than anything else. We both just wanted to curl up and sleep for days.

But there was no time for that, he tossed me the bandage roll and sat beside me, "You will have to do it." He looked like he was mentally preparing himself for this.

I shuffled closer, fumbling with the bandages as a crossed my legs, "O-Okay..." I said nervously. The most first aid I'd ever done was give someone a glass of water and a painkiller for a headache, "I think you need to take your shirt of, eh?" I tried to figure out how much I'd need for this as he stripped down without protest.

I blinked a few times and looked at the arm wincing at the sight of it, "Are you sure you don't need a hospital?" I asked. There was a halo of dried and fresh blood around it and the flesh had been torn to what had to be almost the bone around the metal bullet.

He shook his head quickly and edged closer, "Just do this for me." He pressed me onwards.

I took a breath and nodded, I didn't feel good looking at it, "I'm going to take the bullet out okay?"I asked. Not wanting to think of the kind of mess that would make.

"Ja." He replied quickly.

"It'll hurt." I reminded him.

"Mattie!" he thrust his arm closer, wanting this over with.

Well... I did warn him.

I reached out and tried to grasp the metal that had buried itself in the wet hot depths of Gilbert's arm. He hissed curses in German but I tried to ignore it. This was his choice!

My fingers did find a grip somehow and I tried to ignore the warm slipperiness. "Here goes..." I murmured and yanked like I was a kid again trying to lose a tooth. I winced as I felt the reluctance of the metal to come free and how I got it out anyway.

There was a loud yell of pain that ripped from Gilbert's throat and into the night outside. It made me recoil from its volume and the sound was just blood curling, enough to make me wince, dropping the bullet with a clink as it rolled across the ground.

"Gilbert!" I cried as he grabbed his arm, giving a few savage growls before whimpering pants.

He slowly calmed, "What the fuck!?" He squeezed his leaking arm.

I picked up the bullet, "Well I did tell you it would hurt." I reminded him, he had just told me to get on with it.

He snarled, "Shut up, shut up..." He gave a few more pained sob like noises.

I watched, "I'll give you a moment." I said and rolled the metal shell, still warm and bloody from his body between my fingers, "You want this?" I asked.

He looked at me darkly. I forgave him for that, I'd be in a foul mood too if I just got this hunk of metal ripped from me, "Why the fuck would I?" He replied grumpily.

I shrugged, "I don't know... Doesn't it symbolise anything for you?" I rubbed the blood from the surface, "It's meaningful in a way because it's part of the hardship you went through with me to end Judas' reign. That scar you got from him taking a kidney was the beginning..." I looked at him, he had softened, "This is the end."

He looked at the bullet in my hands, "Give it to me." He demanded holding the hand on his good arm out, "I want it now." He seemed in a better mood now.

I smiled softly as it passed it and his fingers clenched it tightly. He raised the fist it was in to his mouth and pressed it on his lips. His expression had strange look to it.

I snapped out of gazing at him, "I-I need to do your arm now!" I grabbed the bandages.

"_Ja_." He said, offering his arm again but not keeping the bullet in his other hand tightly.

I got to work and slowly and carefully started to wrap the fabric around his arm. He made small flinches when I accidently touched the wound or was too tight but other than that remained quiet. It seemed to blot the bleeding and I was so relieved to see the red on the white bandage get less each time I added a layer.

"Too bad we never got any disinfectant..." I said quietly to myself as well as him as I made sure it wasn't too loose so far.

He wrinkled his nose, "That stuff stings, I am not doing it." He had obviously not gotten any of that on purpose.

"Better than getting a nasty infection... How does it feel now?" It was obviously a little better than the moment I started.

"Throbbing," He said, "But it is better. Slightly." He tried to move it as I started to finish wrapping it up. He nodded, confirming that it felt a little better now, "It is really over now." He said quietly.

I didn't need to ask what he was talking about, "Yeah!" I said supportively, "Gilbert... You won." That was something he never thought achievable. The closest he thought he would ever come was his piercings and tattoo that he got to remind himself that his body belonged to him.

He sniffed a little and started to laugh, "Yes!" He cried out, "I won!" He half laughed half cried for a moment longer before looking up, "I knew I would!"

That was a lie, anyone who saw him from the moment I told him Judas was coming right up to finally defeating him knew how jittery and freaked out he was. There was a 'he' coming to get me' feel about anytime he spoke to me about it. He was a little kid, and Judas was the monster in the closet, big, bad and undefeatable. But the way he spoke those last words with such confidence and conviction that would make anyone else believe him was what was special. It made it all real for him. He could be cocky about Judas just as he was with anything else in his life. He was given the power again. He never was gonna be cocky when he talked about Judas, no, he would never do that. But that wasn't the point. The point was he could show off and act above it. He _could_.

So instead of calling him out about that and leading him into a long emotional talk about it I nodded joyfully, "Yeah! You did!" I agreed. Because I didn't have to ask anything. He just got all the answers for himself.

He pulled me to his side and I could hear his heart thumping and his body slightly trembling with the relief.

But I did have something pretty important that I wanted to ask, this was for my sake, not his, "Gilbert?" I asked.

He was rubbing at his arm slightly as he released me, "Nn?"

I thought about the best way to word it, "Why did you never tell me the plan?" Up until the very last second I was clueless as to what we were going to do when the time came... It put me in a serious panic. I might have even been more efficient if I knew what we were doing.

He looked at me and sighed deeply, "There was not really a plan in the first place." He admitted.

I looked at him, my lips slightly parted. That was news to me, "But I went to Janice... and Mika... It all worked so well with getting the cops and everything! What do you mean there wasn't a plan!?" I was more shocked and confused than angry.

He put up a hand to stop further interrogation, "I had not agreed to anything. Janice and I had discussed things and I was going to tell you once we formed a good plan, but even if I told you I would involve the cops every time he brought it up I would tell him that it was too risky for us. We never agreed on anything in the end, last time we met we just put it off and were probably going to do that the next time we met if Judas had not came today. Janice knew what he thought was best for us and so did I. I was not planning to send you to him because I knew he would call them, but when I was shot I knew that guns were too dangerous and I was afraid you would get hurt. And then I would have to live with the idea that I let you get hurt when I knew a safe place. When you started to refuse to go I knew you had to go to him. I love you Mattie so I sent you there. I knew where he would send the cops to; we discussed it some one time. I saw Mika and got that we had to plant him there but even then I was questioning it. Will this work? Will we really not be seen? But we are here now and we are both safe. That is the good thing, Mattie."

I listened to him and nodded along. It did make sense though Gilbert put on a good act of being confident in what he was doing, "You still should have told me what you talked about..." I murmured but it wasn't so much a complaint.

He shrugged, "I did not want you to agree with Janice and convince me into something that at the time I was sure would break us up!" He gave me a half smile, "You are clever. You would get ideas."

I looked at my hands and somehow over the course of the last few minutes something had suddenly made sense.

"I..." I started before smiling nervously and pressing my forehead to his chest, "I love you."

There.

I said it.

He was silent for a few moment and I suddenly felt myself go red. Woah, why was I so scared?

I hadn't been so scared last time I confessed to him and this time I actually knew how he felt without the mixed messages. It was probably the memory of harsh neglectful reject that got to me. That was something that would never go away.

Say something!

Slowly his arms raised and found a place around me, I wasn't sure if it the dazed like actions were disillusionment or some kind of overjoyed disbelief but either way I old clung to him tighter to communicate the fact that sure he could hurt me all over again but I really was in love with him. I always had been.

"Seriously...?" He asked, "You are sure now?" He was speaking with considerable trepidation, as if he was scared his questioning would change my mind, "No more thinking?" I didn't want him to worry. This was real, I knew it was. Though secretly it did feel a little nice to have a twenty-two year old, cool hottie wrapped around my seventeen year old little finger.

I shook my head, pulling back to look in his eyes. He loved me; I reminded myself this to force my eyes to meet his uncertain gaze, "No more thinking," I repeated, "I figured it out." His eyes were really pretty now that I was seeing them so closer and concentrating on them to keep me talking without getting shy. They were so red that the darkness of his dilated pupils looked like black holes into nothing.

He gave me a grin, "I love you too." He told me.

Then we kissed. Neither leaned in, we just let our lips meet. We didn't need to ask about it or even wonder why. Because we were in love with one another, we were finally at a point at which we were both in love with one another.

And gosh...

I never realised that this could be so wonderful.


	25. Chapter 25

_A/N: Dear jaesch, YOU DID FANART!? I'M SO HAPPY- _but _the link you gave me didn't work and idk but I don't know if you can add links to reviews because of the spam filters... But I still want to see it! So if you're reading this please please please just tell me how to find it when you scan it because you have made my week!__Thanks for reading!_

**Twenty-five**

I gasped for air as my sweaty palms tried to grip at the wall.

"Ah...!" I could feel my knees tremble, "Gilbert!" I cried out hoarsely, "Ah...! Pl-please..."

I looked down at Gilbert through my haze, his hands pressed on my hips to stop me bucking forward into his mouth, his lips so wet and warm around me dick as he sucked me.

His rough hot tongue was rubbing the throbbing vein on the underside of my shaft. A cooler metal ball moving smoothly over me as he showed my just how thrilling a tongue piercing could be. he looked up at me with a sultry gaze, knowing fine how good it made me feel. He even winked and moaned around my dick as he let his teeth graze me as he pulled back so his tongue could poke and play with my leaking slit and oh my god _that piercing_. The head of my dick was an angry red now, my whole body was shuddering with arousal as the pressure built up towards release and he gave me what I wanted to gasp and moan his name but not quite enough to have me shoot my load and finally feel that orgasmic rush.

He brought his mouth off my hard on and licked the precum from his lips. He fixed me a sexy grin and rubbed his cheek too my dick, kissing along it so that I could feel his hot breath on my sack, "_So mag ich dich_, Mattie... Mmmm...!" His words were sent straight down to my dick, he was speaking in his native language,

Fuck this was good. Fuck, fuck, this was so much better than anything my hand could ever give me. Gilbert was worshiping my cock and I loved it. I loved how he made it seem like he loved sucking off so much and the way he moaned around me. I was so happy that I had him now and I had him for good, now I would never have to do this alone again. I was certain Gilbert would be okay with helping me get off from now on.

My breath was sharp, he was licking and running his teeth over my balls, "G-Gilbert," I choked out, shaking as I teetered to close to the edge, "I need to... Cum! Ah! Please!" I could barely hold myself up.

He snickered and looked up at me before speaking in English, "Hey Mattie..." He spoke in such a soft intimate voice that even plain English sounded so hot on his lips, "You are making me so horny... Do you want to fuck my mouth?" Just asking nearly got me there... I was worried that he would never offer!

I tried to speak but my lips wouldn't work so I just nodded, "P-Please...!" I spluttered.

He took his hands down from my hips and I reached forward, I wanted to touch that soft hair, that beautiful soft white hair but before I could reach it I was stopped. Gilberts hand grabbed my wrist and held my hand, interlocking our fingers. I liked that better, holding his hand as I slowly and cautiously moved my hips into his receiving throat.

He gave me a small groan in response that only made me quicken. Soon I was thrusting in and out of his hot mouth and I could feel my tip hit the back of his throat. I gave a loud, whimper-like moan each time I found myself fully sheathed in him, his nose nuzzling the patch of hair as he made sure I knew just how much he loved this. I was hypersensitive to the chrome ball that rubbed my up just right each time my dick, so close to squirting out everywhere moved in and out of him.

I gripped his hand even tighter, it was coming and I was so ready to feel that release.

"I'm...!" I had to tell him, there was almost frustration as my words jumbled with moans and cries, "Cumming! Gilbert! Oh!"

He drew his head back just in time, I couldn't remember my screams or shouts, I must have whited out as I finally felt myself explode.

Next thing I knew I was sitting down; my legs must have given up, panting I watched Gilbert with a sort of half awareness that he was wiping my semen from where it got on his face.

I blinked a little, "Eh...?" I was coming back to earth again. My eyes widened as I realised what I'd done all over him, "Oh my gosh!" I was immediately filled with sudden overwhelming embarrassment. Some of it was probably the shame that I had put on pause and built up as I used him to pleasure me.

He smirked, "It is okay..." He licked some that got on his lower lip, over the piercings and everything and closed his eyes, "Mmm..." He gave a satisfied groan.

He sat back then, we were in the high up room with all the blankets. Now it was midwinter and we spent an awful lot of time up here where it was easier to keep warm.

He looked at me as he spread his legs and I realised that he was still hard. His heavily pierced member standing proudly to attention.

I felt bad. Shoot! I had totally neglected him while he did all that to me and now he had to go it alone!

He must have noticed something about the way I looked at then because he only gave me a smirk and a chuckle, "Do not worry, I am already close."

His hand started to work on his little problem. I watched transfixed as he gave a little sigh and rubbed the piercings, focusing mostly on his base and sack, rubbing them in full sight of me.

"Are you liking this show?" He purred before groaning.

"I should help with that..." I said as I watched, though I had to confess watching Gilbert jack off as he stared right at me was kind intimidating in the _best_ way.

He shook his head and his breathe hitched for a moment before he smiled, "You just say there..." He told me, "And watch me do this to myself."

That was an order I could manage.

So I kept watching him. At some points I was scared that I was being awkward. Was I meant to say something? Compliment him? But I got too nervous to speak.

Instead I just watched as he started to make some noises and I watched with some kind of messed up fascination as he brought himself to orgasm with his hand.

I bit my lip and averted my eyes. It felt so lewd to watch him spurt cum all over himself as he repeated my name like a mantra.

I waited for him to calm before I looked back to see him wiping himself off and smiling. He opened his arms for me and I ran straight into them. He was sticky and I was sweaty but that was okay. We were just fine.

If someone were to look in at our relationship right now it might look like it was entirely physical.

But really, him sucking me off back there was the first time he had coaxed me into doing anything sexy with him. We made out a lot but I liked that. And he was respectful. I was almost afraid he wouldn't be... But he was. I liked that.

The past two weeks had been the best of my life. Ever since I gave Gilbert the title of being my boyfriend I had just been _happy_.

He lay back, pulling a blanket over us both as he ran his hands over my arm gently, "Mattie," He murmured, "Do you know, I do not usually like sucking cock..." He chuckled, "But I liked sucking yours!"

I flushed and pushed his hands off me, "Way to lower the tone! Why do you always make things so weird...?" I grumbled.

He laughed and kissed my head, "But you have a nice dick!" He continued and I put my hand over his face. He but he only laughed more and licked my palm so I pulled it away, "You are too cute."

I just rolled my eyes and we were silent for a moment. There was something I had to say.

"Um..." I began, "Sorry that... I... I never helped you out." I fiddled with the edge of my blanket, "I didn't really know how..." I was embarrassed to talk about it, but I wanted him to know I wanted to give back what he gave to me.

He smiled even though I wasn't looking at him, "That is okay Mattie. You watched me do it to myself and I found that hot!" I looked at him and he winked.

I laughed nervously, "Well I didn't really do much there for you... Should I have said something?"

He smiled again and pressed his lips to my neck, mumbling to me, "It was fine," He could feel his eyelashes on my skin as he blinked, "I just wanted your eyes on me... I thought it was fucking sexy." He played with my hair, "Did you like what we did?"

I smiled wide. This was it, this was our life. We were going to be happy like this and no uncertainty was going to split us up any more. We were going to be strong together.

I nodded, "Yeah! I had never felt anything like it..." I gushed.

He sat back and stretched, "You did not tell me to stop!" He reminded me. When I agreed to this I had told Gilbert I might tell him to stop doing things to me and he agreed that he would without a fuss. But he also told me with full confidence I wouldn't be telling him to do that. I made a sour face, not wanting to admit he was right, so, so right.

I looked up at him from leaning on his chest, "That's not, like," I thought of how to put this, "Gonna happen _every _night... Right?" I didn't want what we had to become all physical.

He wrinkled his nose and shook his head, "Nah, we will just do it when we want to!" He looked so soft. His hair like feathers.

I sighed contently, "I'm glad we talked about this..." I told him, looking back at him.

He chuckled, "You like talking about all this."

I nodded, "It makes it seem real. Because when you don't talk about it feels wrong. So we talk about it."

He nodded. He didn't want to bring up any issues.

Not much he changed about our lives since I told Gilbert I loved him. Judas was gone. That was a big thing. Gilbert just brought home the papers home one night and tossed them over. There on the front was a mug shot of Judas. He was in prison now, we didn't go to court with him, we had made sure when we were calling the cops that we were anonymous but I was aware that some witness came forward or something. We didn't talk about it. That was dead and buried the day we left him and he wasn't going to reclaim any power over us to bring all that back. It was _over_.

He pushed me off of him so he could stand up and stretch, "Man, I am hungry now!" He changed the subject and my stomach seemed to grumble in response to him.

I lay back, still not quite ready to move myself and watched him dress, "Are we still getting that pizza?" He had promised takeout pizza for dinner. I probably shouldn't have been holding him to that now that I didn't even pay rent but I was starving and I, like, _really_ wanted a pizza.

He nodded as he pulled a tight red t-shirt over his head that was complete with glitter flames, "I will go and get the awesome pizza!" He threw my clothes over to me, "Put on clothing if you are cold! Jeeze..." He kicked over my underwear, "You could have folded these at least."

I frowned over as I pulled on my boxers quickly, "You're just weird for folding them. It took you way too long and that was just awkward." I remembered with some remorse the way that we sat in painful silence - butt naked as Gilbert folded his clothes right, muttering that I hadn't made mine neat.

He rolled his eyes, "Being neat is sexy. I want to fuck a dryer." He said with all seriousness as he proved his point.

I just looked at him. What the heck?

He grabbed his wallet, "Okay!" He said, not caring to elaborate on his last point, "I will be back very soon!" He blew me a kiss and the next thing I knew he was gone, laughing into the night.

**x++x**

I waited patiently; the time passed quickly while I walked around the room and looked at the paintings on the walls.

I was looking at the largest there, one of the most prominent portraits in the room. The one of his brother.

I had refused to face it while Gilbert and I did our thing. That huge face with steel like eyes. But even with how stern the painting made Ludwig look, I could see how precious he was to Gilbert. It was the care put in. Each line there with precision and grace. Nothing wasted.

"Mattie I am home!" The announcement came from behind and I turned to see Gilbert clamouring through the window. My eyes went straight to the large pizza box.

Once standing he reached in his pocket and tossed me a can, "I got a free drink with a large pizza so we can share this, _ja_?"

I looked at what he had chosen, coke lite. That seemed odd.

"Why diet coke?" I asked, not that I had anything against the lower calorie cola, I never pinned Gilbert as a guy who would pick the diet option.

He laughed and took it so he could open and take a long sip from it, "It makes me look good!" He announced, "How do you think I stay sexy? It is this and milk."

So I didn't really think that was entirely true. But if he thought that milk and diet cola were the keys to his gorgeous form then he could keep drinking it for as long as he lived.

"What pizza did you get?" This could make or break the evening.

He grinned and with a swooping gesture, opened the box, "All the meat they had!" He exclaimed.

I looked at the fatty grease fest going on on that pizza... It looked _amazing_.

"That's perfect...!" My mouth was already watering.

"Right?!" He sounded real proud of himself.

I really did love living this way with him.


	26. Chapter 26

_A/N: Bad news, I'm going away for two weeks and won't be able to upload...  
Good news, I'm putting out two chapters now and two when I come home! Thanks for reading!  
Edit: OH MY GOODNESS I just saw the fan art by Jaesch of this fic and IT'S SO PERFECT! I'm really happy and so grateful. I'm using it for the the cover of this fic now so I hope there's no problems with that... If there is let me know!_

**Twenty-six**

We went to see Janice a lot now. We were in that bar at least three times a week he always looked happy to see us. He and Mika were the only other two that really knew about the relationship between Gilbert and me but no matter how much emphasis Gilbert and I (mostly Gilbert) put on it he would always put on a smile and humour us by saying congratulations and wishing us well. Janice was great guy.

Gilbert had had a few beers next to me and I was fiddling with the label of the bottled water that I had brought in with me. It turned out that this place didn't serve anything that wasn't alcoholic but water was okay. I liked water.

"Oi!" Gilbert exclaimed getting the attention of Janice and I simultaneously as he put down his third beer, "Where is my friend? He should be back here!" Maybe he was drunk.

I tapped his arm, "What are you talking about?" What was 'back here' supposed to mean?

He laughed. He was definitely tipsy, "My little friend! Janice, bring him here!"

Lucky for me, Janice knew what he was talking about, "He is back in home." Janice told him.

Gilbert raised his arms and gave a loud cheer, "Let me see him!" He turned to me, his eyes wide with excitement, "Mattie! You can meet my special friend!" By the way he was talking about it, I wasn't sure if I wanted to.

I tried to look for Janice in the hopes that I could get some support from him but he had gone and I was left sting here beside a tipsy Gilbert who was rambling about something I didn't understand.

I leaned on the counter and looked at him, "Care to explain?" I asked.

He grinned and winked, proving to be a little more sober than first presumed, "You will meet him, Mattie, he is too cool."

I didn't respond instead I felt an unnecessary, unprovoked kind of anger well up at the bottom of my throat. Gilbert never called me cool. I started to tear at the label on my water feeling some spiteful satisfaction when paper ripped. He called me cute but never cool. I tore of a strip of the blue paper and rolled it in my fingers. He was meant to like me the most, jeeze, what was he talking about?

"Do you like him?" My question was probing as to how Gilbert felt about this guy in to comparison to me. It was stupid though... He liked _me _the most. Me.

"Huh?" Gilbert looked at me like I was asking a dumb question. I probably was. I clenched the paper label in my hand, "Duh!" He looked out for Janice coming back, "I love this little guy!"

Oh.

I glared at the side of his head. I was offended by that answer. Like, a lot.

Was this me getting jealous?

Whatever it was- I didn't care, I was getting mad at him for saying all that. Who was it that he loved so much anyway? Probably some stupid little immature child totally making eyes at Gilbert. They could leave him alone, Gilbert wanted me, not that...

I then realised that I was describing myself?

Ugh.

Why did he even like me?

Still! There was no way that Gilbert would like someone more than me! He said all those things to me, not to some little...

Sigh.

Why bother getting mad? The guy Gilbert apparently loved oh so much was gonna either be the same or better than me if my description of a weedy kid really was as I had been thinking - not Gilbert's type.

I just looked at Gilbert's excited face glumly as we both waited for whoever Janice was taking over.

Janice came hurrying back seconds later and I perked up in mild interest.

My first emotion that I felt when Gilbert cheered the arrival of his small friend was confusion. What Janice had brought out for Gilbert was not another guy but a cage.

What the heck was going on.

Gilbert suddenly put an arm around my shoulders, "Mattie, look! This is my lovely friend!" He got me to lean closer and suddenly I realised what he had been talking about all this time.

He had been talking about a bird.

The 'cool little guy' was a little yellow budgie that looked at us both with little eyes and hopped around in his cage. And I guess he was pretty cool.

Gilbert spoke in a quiet excited whisper, "He is so awesome he is a bird." Gilbert grabbed my hand and squeezed it under the table, "Cheep cheep! Heh heh." He sounded very proud of Janice's budgie.

"What's he called?" I asked in the same whisper for Gilbert's sake.

But he had dropped the tone of urgent secrecy and yelled out loud enough for the whole bar to hear, "He is called Gilbird! Because he is cool, like me. If I was a bird, I would be that bird." He really was sweet.

I looked up at Janice, who was watching us in bewildered amusement, "Seriously?" I asked. Janice let Gilbert name his bird after himself?

Janice shrugged, "I never gave bird a name. Gilbird has stuck." He made a gesture of indifference. I had I feeling that this bird was more important to Gilbert that it was to Janice.

He gave me this sparkly smile and explained his logic, "Gilbird sounds like Gilbert and that shows that he is a bird king. Also did you notice that the bird is yellow!" He clapped his hands as Gilbird stretched it's small wings, "Yellow is a good colour." He patted my head, "It is like your hair."

My hair was really a dirty blonde but I was willing to accept what he said.

Gilbert carefully unlatched the cage and let Gilbird hop out onto his finger, "Wow..." He said quietly as the bird got comfy, "Janice gives him to guys who are moving into a new apartment or whatever and want a companion to warm the house a little. But only if he trusts that they will take care of this dude."

Gilbert really did love the bird; it was clear from the way he leaned down on the bar counter and gazed at it while it looked around the bar. It was so cute.

I felt bad.

Why did I let myself start accusing him of trying to get with someone else? Why did I automatically assume his friend was someone like me that he was interested in? Didn't I trust him, wasn't I _meant_ to trust him?

"Sorry, Gilbert." It just slipped out.

He turned his attention to me, "Huh?" He suddenly looked disturbed, "Do you not like Gilbird?"

"No, I..." I frowned in a moment of self loathing, "I thought you liked another guy."

He looked at me like I had gone insane and I leaned on his shoulder. He looked at my downcast features for a moment before asking me, "Why the heck did you think that?"

"Well," I started, not wanting to finish, "When you were talking a minute ago you didn't really make it totally obvious when you were talking a moment ago that you meant a bird... s-so, I kinda jumped the gun a little because you were talking about Gilbert and saying how cool you though he was and how you loved him and everything... I thought you meant a person, okay?!" I was glad that was over.

Gilbert was silent for a moment and we both watched Gilbird hop along his finger, "Gilbird is cool." He reminded me.

"Gilbert!" I shoved his arm, "Didn't you listen?! I had a moment when I didn't even trust you! You're my boyfriend you should be mad." Didn't he care if I had faith in him?

"Yes," He said quietly, "I listened... Why did you tell me if you though I would be mad?" He petted Gilbird's soft head.

"I don't know," It just felt right, "I didn't want to hide something like that from you, I don't want it to cause anymore problems."

"Mattie... I am happy that you even decided to love me again. I have not even started to think about having your trust again after throwing you out three times." His voice was sombre.

It still felt strange, "That was different." It was as if our deeper relationship had been the divider for a before and after in my life. Things had changed since Gilbert and I started being this way.

He laughed, "I am sad you did think I would like another person but it could have been worse!" He ruffled my hair, "Also! Jealousy is hot~!" He winked.

I blushed a little... I guess I had been reminding him enough that he hurt me a few times- he maybe didn't think I was ready to trust him again yet. Maybe it was time to show him that I was trying. I had to trust him, or this whole thing would be pointless.

"You're not even a little mad?" I asked, if he was mad at me a little then I might have felt justified for acting all distrusting.

He scrunched up his nose, "Nah!" He decided, "But you have to know- there is no one I like as much as you." He did tell me that last part with seriousness.

It brought a smile to my face, "Really?" As much as he said he loved me I wasn't sure that I would ever really be convinced that he liked me the most out of everyone. Me. And he was so cool and older, "Am I really your type?"

He looked thrown off by the question for a moment. Then suddenly he attempted to look almost philosophical, "Is Gilbird my type?" He put the bird on his shoulder.

I looked at Gilbird. He was fluffy and bright yellow, sometimes making cute noises... He wasn't really something I would associate with Gilbert, "He is flashy." I pointed out. The bird stretched out its wings to show me how pretty it was, "And a show off." I added, "Also you did say he was awesome."

Gilbert looked slightly annoyed that I found ways to call Gilbird 'his type', "Yes! But he is also a cute fluffy yellow bird who is sleepy a lot! Does that sound like my type?" He took a long sip of beer to prove that he was a manly man who was not into birdies.

I shook my head (it was obviously the answer he wanted), "Not really if you put it that way."

He started nodding slowly, he was already getting all triumphant over his deep talk with me, "_Ja_! And I do still love Gilbird, yes?"

I didn't even need to question that, "Yes."

He slammed his hand on the counter, "See?! I do not need to stay in my type! I can like many things! Like you. I love you." He tucked some of my hair behind my ear, "But! I have to admit to you that the big doe eyes and cute ass are kind of my type, you are a twink, Mattie~"

I blinked a few times, "A what?" A twinkie? Twink... What?

He laughed loudly and as if to add to it Gilbert flew around his head a few times, he looked delirious, "It is nothing! Google it when you are with a computer." He smirked

I didn't think I wanted to search whatever he just called me now... But I didn't have time to ponder this for long because I was interrupted by a quiet 'plop'.

I looked around the room, no idea what it was but then I heard a cry from right beside me,

"_DU LITTE SCHISSE_!" Gilbert was yelling, but it wasn't at me- it was at Gilbird.

I looked at him frantically. What was with the sudden temper!? "What is it!?"

He looked at me and I could see fire in his eyes, "My fucking beer!" He roared, loud enough to get people looking at us, even in such an already noisy place.

I looked at his drink and found myself unable to stop smiling. In his beer was a single bird poop, gracefully sinking into the depths of his pint.

I put my hand over my mouth to stop giggling, "Oh my gosh...!" Gilbird had pooped in his beer!

The bird tweeted indignantly, it had to go so it did. Gilbert was the one having him hover over his beer.

"_Er hat eine verdammt Kacke in mein Bier_! _Was zum Teufel_!?" He was so mad it was just stupid.

"Gil'!" I held my head in my hands, unable to keep the laughter at bay, "You're an idiot!" Tears had even started leaking out.

He made a gruff growling sound, "_Halt den Mund_...!" He wasn't even bothering with English, "_Arschloch_." He said bitterly.

I put my hands up, he could call me names but he held the live bird over his drink, "Whatever, it's not my drink that's got poop in it."

He was scowling darkly as he shoved Gilbird back in his bird cage, flipping it off, "_Holen du sich die Hölle weg._" He told it darkly before yelling, "Janice! _Ich brauche noch ein bier_! _Ihre verdammte Vogel nahm eine Scheisse_!"

I calmed down a little, "Jeeze... Calm down!" I watched as Janice looked over, first obviously shocked and then amused.

He pouted, still seething, "I liked that beer. Shitty bird." He spat.

I rubbed his shoulder, it was strangely fun to deal with him like this, "You're just gonna get another one. Don't worry about it." Janice pushed a new beer over to us, "See? There."

He was still mad as he reached into his pocket and yanked out his wallet, grumbling quietly. He opened his wallet and his face turned to one of surprise, he looked up at Janice anxiously.

Janice just groaned and put the cloth he was wiping the bar down with over his shoulder, crossing his arms, "If you not able pay do not worry." He said it kindly, but there was still irritation, "I will make you give money next time."

Gilbert had obviously forgotten that he drink had been pooped in, he just blushed lightly and put his wallet away, "It is not that I cannot pay!" He was getting defensive in his embarrassment, "I just... Do not want to!" He took a long swig of his new beer so that he could avoid speaking again.

Janice and I both knew that was false. Gilbert always was a little frivolous with his money; as if he couldn't comprehend that he was a homeless guy with a tiny income. He was trying to impress himself.

But Janice and I did both like Gilbert so we said no more of it. Janice just nodded and headed to another man who wanted served and Gilbert finally put down his mug and grinned at me.

"Try some beer!" He suddenly commanded.

I had never and probably never would want to try that stuff. "No." I gave my firm answer, but I knew that wasn't gonna be enough.

And it wasn't, "Come on!" He urged suddenly hugging me, trying to coax me into it, "It is nice and it will make you happy."

He was nuzzling me and people were staring, I pushed him off, "I'm pretty sure that this is peer pressure and therefore you are bullying me." I sounded indignant but I was pretty sure that Gilbert wasn't bullying anyone... I don't actually think he was capable.

He looked at me like I was crazy. Him? A bully? Never.

"Mattie. I am awesome. You forget that." He gave me a shiny smile. This was ridiculous.

I was getting back to the point, "I'm not touching that beer."

He took my hand and held it in his. I watched as I raised it to his lips and kissed it, giving me a smouldering look.

I gave back a small bashful smile.

But then it changed when he suddenly pulled my hand and forced my knuckles onto the cold glass of his beer mug.

"You touched it!" He yelled and clapped his hands, looking around for an applause, "You lied Mattie! You lied!" He cheered as I looked on in total confusion, "I made you touch it! You said that you would not! Ohhh!" He was really getting his kicks from this.

I rolled my eyes. Thank goodness he made his self righteous conceitedness so adorable.

I slid off the bar stool and started to leave him, "I'm going home." I knew he would follow. I didn't want him getting drunk tonight; he did tell me that he was taking me home later and having a special night with him. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean... But whatever, I liked the sound of it.

His celebrations stopped, "Mattie! Where are you going!" He called after me, "I did not mean to make you sad!" I turned to him, and he raised his beer, draining it in record time. "Wait!" He stumbled of his seat, ran over to me and hugged me tightly.

"I kinda wanna go home." I said into his shirt, "Are you done here?" I didn't exactly want to drag him away.

He nodded and took my hand, giving a squeeze, "You still touched the beer." He reminded me.

"Yes." I gave him a playful shove, "I know."

He leaned over as we got outside and whispered into my ear, "You lied."

I gave him a kiss on the cheek to quieten him.

**x++x**

We made it most of the way back in the dark, the cold biting us but keeping our hands warm in pockets.

We were almost there and nothing sounded better that curling up in the blankets with Gilbert as my heater but of course, nature called.

I stopped in the street and let him walk a few steps before he noticed and turned.

"I gotta pee." I told him, "I'm just gonna head to the bathroom for a minute, it's close from here."

He nodded, we both wanted to get back but rule number one was not to pee in his house. It was an empty store until that had a gaping hole in the roof but it wasn't a toilet.

"Fine." He said and came back over to me, "I will come."

I shook my head, "It's cool." I could go this one alone, "You can get back and make the place nice for me!" I put my hands on his arms and rubbed them, "It's freezing, go home."

He raised a suspicious brow, "You are sure?"

I nodded.

He took my face in his hands, cupping it and kissing my lips. I kissed back and let it warm me. Nice.

We parted slowly, "I will see you soon." He told me, "I need a cigarette."

I laughed and started to step back, "Then go get one! See ya!"

We were smiling as we parted ways and I headed for the public bathroom. I knew the routine by now. Back to the camera, head down, closest cubicle, and don't let anyone catch you.

So that's what I did and I relived myself. I hated walking so far just to pee and walk so far to get back to Gilbert but it was a sacrifice I made. A closer toilet would be great though.

It was too cold to be out walking at night. Especially since I didn't even have a jacket.

Y'know, maybe if I had stopped thinking about the cold as I got closer to home I would have noticed the two cops that stood at a street corner before it was too late.

I still had my glasses on and my hood was half down.

I looked up just in time for me to see them point at me as one said something to the other. They looked unsure. By then I had realised what was happening. I looked away. Perhaps they would decide it was nothing.

But then I could sense them following me, keeping the same pace. I sped up. They sped up.

They knew who I was.

They had recognised me.

They were following me.

So I started to run, they chased me obviously, but I had to get away. Lose them somehow.

This was bad.

This was really bad.

I was so stupid!

I was nearly at Gilbert's place! Just a little more and I'd lose them! They were getting closer. Go away! Go away!

I skidded through the doorway and stood panting as suddenly I noticed my mistake. I led them right here. The cops ran in behind me and saw as I looked at Gilbert, petrified and he looked at them like everything had just fallen apart.

I could only stand there as the cops came to all the wrong conclusions.


	27. Chapter 27

_A/N: Well... On the second instalment of my double upload, it's time for me to let you know that The Smell of Spray Paint will come to an end soon... I've loved writing this and will take time to thank everyone closer to the end but I feel that now is the moment to shamelessly self promote and tell you that if you enjoyed this fic then after it's over I'm writing a third. It's going to be a RoChu one this time and so make sure to look out for it!_

**Twenty-seven**

Gilbert and I looked at each other with wide eyes for the moments we had before the two cops seized him.

This was all wrong. This was our worst fear come true.

He yelled out as they grabbed him and I screamed out but one of them suddenly had me by the arms, dragging me back and away from him.

I kicked and yelled, tearing my arm free to reach for him as he struggled against the one cuffing him.

"Gilbert!" I shrieked as we were separated more. The one who had me was calling for back up...Oh no... No! This was really our worst nightmare.

He was being pulled back out of the house and I could hear sirens already and Gilbert was in handcuffs. I could only watch as I was held back and restrained, the officer's strong grip was the only thing keeping me on my feet as I choked on air, getting one final glimpse of him before he disappeared. He was gone from my grasp as I could hear shouts as they tried to get him into a police car.

The cop released me and I slipped to the floor. Next thing I knew, there were more people running in towards us. I was shaking as I watched them get closer... These people shouldn't have been here! This was our home, why were they just coming in?

Someone took my hand and pulled me up. I was numb, heavy breathing and shaking as they took me out into the cold night where I could see my breath.

There was an ambulance, I didn't get why but they helped me stumble over to it. I sat down, the back doors were open and there was a guy there ready for me.

Someone put a shock blanket around my shoulders but I just let it sit there, my eyes were fixed on where we were just a second ago. Our home. It should have been calm, we were gonna have a nice night together. I didn't even know what they were doing with Gilbert right now.

The man beside me put a hand on my shoulder and I flinched, "Matthew," He said carefully, "I need you to stay calm for me." I didn't even realise that I was still gasping for air.

I looked at him; he had large brown eyes that were looking at me carefully.

I sniffed, "You don't get it!" I was welling up as I stopped looking at him and put my head in my hands, "Bring him back!" I blinked back tears.

"Matthew," He said my name again, "I need you to stay calm." He was in front of me now, "We have called your family." He smiled, "You'll see them soon but you need to stay calm now, okay?"

My lower lips was trembling, "No..." I was shaking my head, "No... I need Gilbert back... No...!"

He wasn't listening, "We just want a few hospital checks to see that you're fine."

I was still shaking my head, "I'm fine!" I rubbed at my eyes, "I don't need any of this! I don't need it!"

But I was still being guided in the ambulance... Why wouldn't they just listen to me!?

They closed the ambulance doors and drove, leaving me to sit the journey to the hospital in silence.

**x++x**

"Where's Gilbert?" I asked as I was escorted into the hospital building. This had to be the tenth time I had asked someone this but no one would answer me. I was just ignored without him.

"Where's Gilbert!?" asked again, louder this time as I grew more frustrated. But I was being ignored as they admitted me and took me up some stairs, "Give him to me!" I stopped in hallway, "I want to see Gilbert!" They couldn't just ignore me!

The guy who spoke to me at the ambulance was by my side first, "You have to come with us. You are safe now." He told me. Safe? What the heck?

I backed away slowly, looking around those who escorted me here, "Just leave me alone!" I shouted tearfully, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT GILBERT BACK!" I turned and fled down the hallway. I had to get away!

I raced down the hallways and took the steps downstairs two at a time. I was gonna go find Gilbert, we'd go somewhere else.

Tears streamed down my face as I didn't slow as I got closer to the doors. But they were there already, "NO!" I screamed, as a beefy guy caught me, my kicks not even fazing him, "Let me go!" I sobbed, "Let me go! Please! I have to go!"

But they were pulling me back. I couldn't let them. I tried to run again the moment they weakened their grip even slightly but they were ready for that. They caught me. I yelled and cried and flailed then something pricked my arm and things went dark.

I woke up three hours later and had no idea what was going on.

The bed was comfortable but foreign and felt artificial. The smell filling my nose was sterile and unnatural. It all just felt so fake.

I sat up slowly and squinted. It took me a moment to realise I didn't have my glasses on. I looked to my left and saw them, folded beside a glass of water. I went for the water first, suddenly feeling sick. I brought it to my lips so violently some of it spilled as I tossed my head back and drained the glass. I felt a little better after that.

I slid my glasses on my face and blinked a few times... One of the lenses had cracked a little and I found it hard to ignore the line it made right across my field of vision.

The hospital, I remembered being admitted to hospital... Why? I felt a little sick but I was fine...

Gilbert.

Oh my God... Gilbert! I let him get caught! The police followed me because I wasn't paying attention... and I had just got cold, which was all it took for things to fall apart.

I got out of bed so fast it made me dizzy but ignored it and headed for the door. They couldn't just keep me here! Gilbert and I were in love, they weren't just gonna take him away!

I quickly realised that they really could keep me here. I tried the handle a few times but I was locked in here. I bumped my head on the door and sighed. It was hopeless... It was over.

But it couldn't be! I hadn't even said goodbye! We were supposed to be together! We loved one another! I tried the door handle again before backing away to run at the door and slamming my body into it. I just fell to the ground, rubbing my arm.

"Ow..." I snivelled pathetically as shuffled over to the door so I could lean on it.

Why was I even here? Gilbert had never once hurt me? Did they just assume that about him? Why did they just assume that I was kidnapped by him anyway? This was my fault, he was a great guy. Now the world were gonna see him as a criminal!

I looked around my hospital room. There was a window over on the wall... What floor was I on?

I struggled to my feet and walked over to it, brushing back the curtain. Peering outside I realised that I was on the third floor at least. I tapped the window, it wasn't exactly breakable glass either and it didn't open enough to get out.

I went back to the bed and sat down. The only door that was open was to the bathroom and that didn't help anything. I bet Gilbert was in somewhere easier to get out of than I was. I put my face in my hands and screwed my eyes up tight. Gilbert was probably in a cell!

I brought my knees to my chest... This was all awful.

Then I heard voices from outside the door that made me sit up and listen,

It was a male, soft spoken and barely accented, "He's undernourished but it wasn't serious, we may still run some tests but he seems unharmed." They were taking, obviously, about me.

Then another voice, a lady's, "What's he like mentally?" Mom? Was that my mom?

A pause. Then the first man, "He was angry at first. He didn't want to see us. It's normal. Some people, especially when at the impressionable of your son, can be made to think that they need their abuser, or owe them something."

I blinked a few times. Abuser? I was suddenly overwhelmed with rage. This was Gilbert! He had never abused me... He had never... I wanted to break something.

My mom again, upset, "Is he gonna be okay?" She sounded weepy.

Man, reassuring, "He'll be just fine. He's safe now; we just need to give him recovery time."

I didn't need to recover from anything.

There was suddenly a jangling noise and clicks. They were coming in... I would have to face my mom again... and dad... And my brother, Alfred. And I would have to look them in the eye and tell them it wasn't Gilbert but me who caused all this pain for them in the past few months.

I was too scared to face my family. I had been incredibly selfish.

I grabbed the blankets and rolled over, facing away from the door and shutting my eyes as I heard and felt people enter.

It was my mom's low heels that came the closest, her soft fingers were on my face playing with my hair, "Oh my baby..." Her voice was a whisper, "Oh baby..."

I bit my tongue so that I didn't change my expression... Mommy... I wanted to sit up and hug her, tell how sorry I was... But I would still have to talk to her and tell her to her face I wasn't satisfied with her so I left.

"Can we stay here until he wakes up?" That was my dad's voice, less emotional.

There was a rustle, which was my mom nodded in agreement in her favourite jacket, "I want to be there when he wakes up."

The other guy cleared his throat awkwardly, "We are not supposed to leave visitors unsupervised, especially at night."

I was trying to decide if I wanted him to tell mom and dad to go or not.

Dad again, "Please, doc, we just want to see our boy again!" This was excruciating. I had to talk to them.

I wouldn't tell them that I was awake before, then questions would be asked and I would have to answer them. So I slowly opened my eyes and fake yawned... There were some collective gasps.

I blinked a few times, hoping that I wasn't over doing the 'just woke up' look.

I looked between my mom and my dad. I avoided Alfred, who was looking at the floor.

I didn't know how to say hi to them. Was there even a right way to greet my parents after all this... It had been so long.

I couldn't leave it silent.

So, "Hey..." Is what I said, croakily.

Mom was holding her hands over her mouth like I had risen from beyond the grave... I guess to them, that's what it felt like.

She hugged me tight and dad was quick to join in, soon I was being smothered in wet winter jackets and the smell of my mom's perfume.

"Oh my God!" She sobbed and I patter her back, "Matthew! I am so sorry I ever let this happen to you! You're safe now okay?" She drew back to look into my eyes and reassure me.

Dad had pulled back too. He had mom's hand but she pulled it away from him to push back my bangs.

I leaned back in the bed, "Yeah..."

Alfred then spoke, it was the first time I her heard him, "Can I go get a coke?" He asked dad.

Dad reached into his pocket, getting out his wallet but mom touched his arm, "Hey, no! No... Alfred, this isn't the time for that!"

He rolled his eyes, "Come on, it's gonna take me two minutes."

Dad gave his opinion, "I think we should just let him do what he likes, this is big from him, okay? I think Alfred needs some alone time." He handed him a few coins, "Here you go, sport."

Alfred left without another word. Mom was looking at dad. He noticed, "What?"

She sounded mad, "You can't just let him go like that! His brother is back! You're just gonna go let him get a coke?"

He rubbed her back, "I'm sure he's just as happy as we are."

She shrugged him off coldly, "Alfred has been going off on his own a lot recently, he's getting rude! You can't encourage that!"

I watched them.

Wow.

It was pretty stupid of me to think anything was gonna change... They were just talking about Alfred again... I was right here and they were talking about how Alfred was doing.

Gilbert would have never done that; Gilbert would have all his focus on me. He would probably even yell at my parents for ignoring me again... I just wished I knew where he was.

"I wanna go for a walk." I said, interrupting them suddenly.

They looked at me like they only just noticed that I was here, "What was that?" My mom smiled at me... They hadn't even been listening.

I pulled my covers off, "I'm going for a walk around the ward. I'm fine right?" I asked the doctor who had been watching us, "I can walk around?" I knew I was fine. I knew I was fine because Gilbert had never done anything to me.

The doctor stepped forward, "Perhaps its best if you stayed in here, we don't want you trying to run again."

I grabbed some slippers, "I won't..." As much as I wanted to I knew they'd take me back again. If I wanted to get to Gilbert I had to convince them that I wasn't being manipulated by him.

"Matthew..." Dad sounded concerned.

I stood up anyway, knowing that I was going for this walk, "I'll be fine! Just...!" Back with my parents five minutes and frustrated, "Please? I just really need a moment."

The doctor pulled out a walkie talkie and said something into it in German before giving me a nod to go ahead, "Five minutes." He told me and I nodded.

I headed to the door but mom called over to me, "Baby?"

I stopped by didn't turn to her, "Yeah?"

... "You seem distant." She was expected more from me at our reunion. I felt bad for disappointing her.

I finally did turn and the sight of her face, so tired and so upset was almost too much. Today was meant to be happy! What the heck was I doing by acting like this?

"I'm sorry, mom..." I tried, "I need a few minutes."

She came closer and took both my hands, she looked pained, "You'll be back this time, right?" She squeezed my hands tight, "Please promise me that you'll come back!"

I nodded, my throat felt like there was a rock lodged in it, "Don't worry... I'll see you soon."

She let go of my hands and I quickly slipped through the door.

"Five minutes." The doctor called after me.

**x++x**

My hands were shaking as they splashed my face with water from the dribbling water fountain. Once I decided that I had rubbed cold water over my head and neck enough I stopped. Standing still over the fountain.

Something big and hard hit the back of my head with a crack, making me flinch and whirl around.

"Gilbert!" I cried out of reflex but then saw that it was not Gil' advancing over to me, but Alfred.

I glanced to what had hit me; a crushed empty coke can lay at my feet.

I stood up straight, ready to face him. "Wow, yet again you amaze me by how fast you drink." I said sarcastically, rubbing where I was hit, "You're gonna make a great drunk one day."

"Matt." He came right over and pushed me up against the wall, "You're a real asshole."

"H-Hey!" I was suddenly being roughly slammed against the wall by my brother, "What the heck?" I shoved him away, "Get off!"

He scowled at me and before I knew it threw a punch. I dodged and pushed him to one side, making him stumble, "Quit that!"

He ran at me again and smashed his body into mine. I was lucky my ankle didn't twist as I fell to the ground my hands stinging where they hit the floor

"Alfred!" I kicked him in the shin and he yelped, hopping backwards. I slid away on my butt, trying to put some distance between the two of us.

But he had stopped anyway. He was just staring at me angrily.

"What?!" I snapped. Feeling at where my thigh was already bruising.

He huffed and turned his head away, "I know what you did, you jerk." He sounded really mad, "Running away, Matt!? Dick move."

So he understood that... He was the only one who seemed to have thought that I could have left of my own accord.

"Yeah?" I was feeling bitter after he attacked me, "So what?"

He did a double take at my answer, "So what?! You're asking so what!?" He came closer, glaring at me, "Do you have any idea how much you hurt my mom?"

"Our mom!" I corrected him.

He sneered, "Shut up, you're not really part of our family."

I stared at him, my mouth agape... He used to say that stuff when we were little all the time when we fought. Reminding me I was the adopted one, the outsider. Now to hear it come out of him when he was fifth-teen was just hurtful.

I stood up and turned away, starting to walk down the hall, "Jerk!" He knew how much comments like that hurt me.

There was an audible sigh, "Matt!" He yelled, "Wait!"

I just wanted Gilbert back, "Leave me alone!"

"Stop!" He yelled suddenly. His tone really did made me halt, "We need to talk." He sounded a little calmer now.

I turned to my brother... We did need to talk about this, we were family.

I nodded, "We do..."

He beckoned me, "You're gonna explain a lot of shit to me." He started to lead me to some chairs that were lined up for visitors in the hallway.

I didn't have long, but I knew he was right.


	28. Chapter 28

_A/N: Im back! Hope you didn't forget about me ;) Though this isn't my normal updating time, since I've been gone for so long I'm putting out the first instalment of my double upload now. I'll do number two on Saturday, at the regular time so I can get back into the right rhythm again before I finish this fic (very soon).  
Thank you for bearing with my long absence and thank you for reading!_

**Twenty-Eight**

Alfred and I sat beside each other in silence for a few seconds... Perhaps he was waiting for me to talk, but I didn't know where to start.

If that is what he wanted then he gave up, "Do you have any idea how hard this whole thing was for me?"he asked, pointing fingers again, "I had to watch them cry and beg the police to find the guy who took you knowing that you had just walked out on us."

"I didn't just walk out!" Alfred seemed to think I had just been flippant all this time, it was sorta hurtful, "It was more complicated than that."

Alfred wasn't always like this. At school he was the sweetheart, nice to the girls and good to his pals. He was fresh faced and ready to face the world with a positive flair and can-do attitude. Meanwhile I lingered in the background- the weird adopted older brother that no one talked to and was always looked over. I felt sick of it all, tired and cynical. That's where most of our fighting came from.

"Matt, get a hold of yourself! Just say something!" Alfred sounded frustrated with my hesitation to spill my heart out and tell him the whole story, which in turn riled me up too, "Why are you acting like this?!"

I was never gonna tell him anything if he kept that up, "I don't appreciate the hostility."

Alfred snorted, "Jesus. You ran away from home for months and now you're caught but you're still acting selfish?"

"I'm not being selfish!" I cried out louder than intended, "I'm just... You never got me, no one in this family understood what they were doing to me at all... I..." I put my head in my hands, I just sounded so stupid now.

There was a long tense pause.

"Hey..." He began, his voice softer now.

But I sat up straight and told him firmly, "I did it because I wanted the attention."

We faced each other and I could see him waiting for the punch line.

"Attention?" He repeated.

I regretted telling him, "Yah."

"_Attention_?" He repeated.

I started to feel my embarrassment turn to anger... Alfred was just being so self-righteous!

"Well!" I snapped, "If maybe I got an ounce of it back home I wouldn't have done it! Maybe if you stopped stealing my limelight then I would have been fine! But you know what, Alfred? I didn't get that after you showed up! So why am I justifying myself to you?! I needed someone to just _look at me_! When I was out there I found someone who did... Why was it that I felt more loved in these past few months by a guy who didn't even know me than my own parents!?"

I didn't even notice that I had stood up until I stopped talking. I didn't sit down but even looking up at me Alfred tried to make me feel more guilt, "You saw how they were with you back in the hospital room. You can say you're not getting any affection from them now."

I shook my head. He had been cocooned his whole life, he had no idea what I felt the day I decided to run away. "I had to disappear for months for that to happen. And even then they started talking about you and your freaking cola... It's messed up, Alfred, we're a messed up family." I needed this to hit home... I had to tell something I kept from even Gilbert, "I considered just killing myself before deciding to run away."

Bam.

That got him going, the harsh expression dropped and he froze.

"What...?"

I sat down again. My thunder gone now that Alfred wasn't shooting daggers at me, "Yeah... They missed my birthday again."

He bit his lip thoughtfully, "Why didn't you _tell_ anyone? You could have told me?"

I scuffed the ground with my shoe, "None of you saw that I was getting bad so I figured that if you couldn't take a hint like that then it would be dumb to try anymore. I'm not depressed, so don't freak out and think I need to see someone. I hate the idea of dying, and I did even when I was lying in bed wondering who might miss me. I just need attention and I got none. It drove me to desperation."

He put his hand over mine, "Thanks for not doing that, bro..."

I took a deep sigh and shrugged, "Well, yeah. You're welcome. Don't tell anyone." I was quiet, maybe feeling a little down from thinking back to those days, the worst days.

He nodded and took his hand off mine, "I won't... Who was it?"

I shuddered, trying to shake the memories of misery off, "Who was what?"

"You said that someone gave you what you wanted." His anguish had quickly become curiosity.

Oh... He meant Gilbert, "Yeah..." I nodded, "Someone did, and he's the one they arrested... He's called Gilbert." I said the name with a fond gentleness.

"Matt?" Alfred touched my arm getting me to look at him, "Are you gay?"

My eyes widened in surprise but then I just smiled humourlessly, "Is this the first time you noticed anything like that? And I'm not, I like girls and guys."

He looked confused, "Uh... Yeah... It's not like you led some kind of rainbow parade!" He tried to defend himself.

I sighed, "I had a shirtless Zefron poster on my wall... But I know what you're gonna ask- yes, I do love Gilbert."

He blushed a little, "Seriously? Like... In a sexy way?"

I peeked at a clock on the wall, I was over five minutes and didn't really want to just tell my little brother all about the intimate relationship I had with Gilbert. That was private.

I got up and stretched. "I'm leaving." I told him, not sure if I was supposed to be friendly with him after out little talk.

"Wait!" He stood up quickly before I could go, "You have to tell mom and dad why you really went missing... I want you to tell them that you did it yourself.

I had to do that anyway to help Gilbert. I needed Gilbert back, "I guess you never told them?"

He gazed at me intensely, "Matt. Imagine if I had told them and you died. They would blame themselves, it would tear them apart and I would have been responsible. I could never tell them that."

I nodded, able to understand where he was coming from, "I'm heading back." I said again and turned away again. He didn't seem to want to come with me.

**x++x**

The minute I was back through the door I was told that I was needed for a blood test.

"Why?" Was my frank response, "I'm fine. No one seems to get that I'm fine!" No one seemed to believe a thing that came out of my mouth and it was starting to get to me.

The doctor put his hands on my shoulders, probably thinking I was trying to run again now that I was getting loud and protesting, "We don't know what happened out there... You were in a lot of danger."

I shook him off, "I know what happened to me!" Everyone was behaving like I had been unconscious of everything these past few month, "I'm fine! I didn't catch anything!" They were worried about STDs- the look of my mom's face told me that. She thought I was raped. She thought I was Gilbert's sex slave or something awful like that... He would never do anything like that to anyone! I had to tell them.

She put a hand on my shoulder, "Well honey, the doctors want to be sure... Okay? You've had a really bad experience, baby, we don't know if you're thinking straight..."

Oh... The abuse thing. Gilbert had obviously hurt me so much emotionally that I started to believe that him stealing me from my bed and taking me away to rape and hit me was my fault when it was really all his evil doing.

Maybe... Maybe they did have some idea of the truth... Alfred had guessed it right away so why didn't they piece it together? I had a feeling that I wasn't the one fabricating things to avoid memories and ideas that were too harsh. I wasn't the one suppressing what I didn't dare think about... It was them. All these ridiculous ideas that I was kidnapped was them desperate to justify the notion that I was gone without feeling guilty on top of sorrow.

It was believe I was taken or realise I left because of how living with them made me feel... It was obvious which they would subconsciously choose.

And now they had the doctors to tell them that even if I did run away there was reason to tell me I just thought that because of emotional torment from my captors.

This seemed hopeless!

But I still had to try. If I didn't make any attempt to untangle all of this then Gilbert could be put in jail for a long time.

"I need to say something." The words came so confidently out of my mouth before I even had time to think about it.

My dad patted my back, "You can tell us after the blood test, we need to-" He began,

But I felt that this had been put off too long already, "No! I have to say it now! I don't want a blood test!"

The three adults in the room glanced at each other, I had a feeling that they were gonna tell me I was just tired but I didn't wait to hear that, I just went ahead.

"I was never taken by anyone!" I spoke loud and clear, "I..." I looked over to my parents, "I ran away. Sorry."

Mom and dad looked at each other before me, "Honey..." Mom looked like I had slapped her, "What are you... You just think that..." She looked like she could cry.

I sat on the bed, feeling bad already for telling them. As if things weren't hard enough for them both.

I shook my head, as horrible as it was, I couldn't take it back. "No... I left on purpose. I had it all planned."

Dad was ushering the doctor to the door, "I'm sorry, can we have a moment alone?"

Mom was looking between my dad and me urgently as the doctor mumbled something about giving us some time and left.

"Matt..." My dad came slowly back over and kneeled in front of the bed, putting his hands on my knees, "I think you have to be careful saying something like that..."

It was all out in the open now though- and there was no going back, "It's true, okay?! I ran away..." I hung my head solemnly.

"Honey, this might be a misunderstanding!" My mom interjected, showing some hope, "You know... He was traumatised! Matt, you're not thinking straight!"

"Yes I am!" I was firm, I wanted to sound confident, "And the guy they arrested is innocent. He helped me! So I want you to release him too." As long as Gilbert got out... They could say that I was crazy as much as they wanted. Gilbert just needed to get out of this.

"Listen," Dad tried to be a voice of reason, "We can take you to a psychiatrist... We can go from there."

"No!" I didn't want to sound stroppy but they weren't listening, "I want the charges against him dropped now." I took a deep breath, "I'm..." I sniffed, "Really sorry!"

There was some silence and I knew that they believed me.

"Excuse me." My mom turned suddenly and left, her hands balled into fists squeezing so hard her knuckles were white.

I felt a pang of guilt, I was so wrapped up in getting at all out I had totally disregarded how hearing all this made them feel. I had forgotten to be sensitive. The child they raised for so long had run away from them... No matter how much attention they gave me it was gonna be painful to hear that.

Dad and I listened to her footsteps echo down the hall as she left.

Even though dad didn't leave he had obviously been hit hard by my words, "She'll come back." His voice sounded strained as it held back emotion.

I didn't know what to say to him. He was still kneeling in front of me though he was rigid. What was I supposed to say? In the end I just sat there.

Two minutes later, my dad spoke, "We didn't want to think that way, Matt." He said. So they did have ideas that they were too scared to consider.

"Well at least no one hurt me..." I tried but he didn't show any signs of agreement. I could have gotten hurt; in fact I very nearly did because of Judas. I could have died. And yet I willingly put myself in that situation. I regretted saying that as soon as it passed my lips, I had just been desperate to stop the silence.

He stood up again slowly, "Why'd you do it?" His brow was knitted together and I suddenly felt sick at the prospect of telling them it was their fault.

But I didn't need to say anything yet. My mom was back. She stood in the doorway wiping her eyes and blinking back tears.

My dad opened his arms and she walked right into them, putting her face on his shoulder. I watched for a moment before averting my gaze to the pillows on my bed.

"Matthew." I heard her voice and saw their arms open, wanting me to join the hug.

I hesitated... Did I want to hug them before telling them the reasons why I left them? But if I rejected them I would break their hearts. So I joined them.

It was warm in their arms. But it didn't make me think of home, they never did this before at home. And for me...

Home was where Gilbert was now.

It had been like that for a long time.

We reminded in our huddle for a while and I wasn't complaining. In fact I was happy to stay this way, I could savour these moments before I told them why I left and twisted our relationship as a family beyond repair.

It was dad who loosened his grip first. We all stepped back and I sat back on the bed, fidgeting as tried to work out a way to say what I was about to say.

I swallowed, "I'm sorry I left." My voice was small and quiet.

My mom sat next to me on the bed, my dad pulled up a chair.

Mom put her hand on mine, "Just tell us why." Her voice was quiet and fearful.

So I told them everything.

"I feel like... Ever since Alfred was born," I began, "You guys just love him more." I closed my eyes so I didn't feel like I was saying this to them, "Every time I brought back an art project Alfred's science project was better... And when I was having a bad day you guys were busy but when Alfred wasn't feeling good you just seemed to _drop everything_." I exhaled shakily, "So I've always just felt like I can never do enough, no matter how hard I try Alfred was just that bit better! And I used to feel really hurt by it... Then it started at school... I just felt so _inadequate_ for everyone. You guys missed my birthdays! Every year I got older and more self conscious and things got worse and I just couldn't take it! I needed people to want to see me! So... I decided to run away. I was gonna come back ages ago..." I gave a small sigh, "But I met someone who gave me everything I wanted. And even though he was a little crass... And he could be mean to me... He made me feel so warm. More warm than I ever felt at home." I paused, wondering if I'd ever see him and feel that warmth again, "So I'm really sorry... But that's how it was." I opened my eyes, "I hurt you guys and I'm so sorry!"

I felt lighter now.

I hadn't even looked at mom or dad while I was talking, if I had I wouldn't have been able to keep going but now I did.

Mom was sobbing into a tissue and dad was just staring straight ahead. I quickly looked at my lap... Mom was squeezing my hand tightly as she cried, I rubbed across her knuckles.

"Oh my God..." Her voice shook as she wept, "Why didn't you just tell us!?" She sounded like she was going to go on but the wails increasing in volume got the better of her.

"Well I..." I started to reply though I'm not sure she wanted one, "I was at a point where... I didn't believe you'd wanna listen."

This didn't help things. My dad put his head in his hands and sighed loudly, "We've failed as parents to you, Matthew... I never even realised... We're sorry."

And I decided to stop telling them anything else.


	29. Chapter 29

_A/N: Thanks for reading!_

**Twenty-nine**

As time ticked on, things seemed to go from bad to worse... I had been sitting by them, my mom holding my hand on the bed and my dad sitting on the chair in front of us. Both of them wouldn't stop talking, saying bad things about themselves and turning what was just pinpricks of guilt into gaping holes.

They wouldn't stop saying sorry, they repeated it over and over. They knew I nearly died, I could have been raped, abducted, abused and suffered countless other horrific fates and they knew it was them who drove me away. Their fault.

But I didn't want them to feel like that... I guess after almost a life time of being overlooked by them it was just a novel thing for me to have power over their emotions and I just didn't handle it right. I bed if it was Alfred, who was so used to making them happy, sad, proud and man would have done so much better.

Or did I only think he could handle emotional situations more than me because I had grown up with my parents making my think he was just all out better?

Gosh.

We were messed up. We weren't ever gonna be normal, it was too late for that. Even with what I did to prove a point and try and fix things I doubted we were gonna become a normal, emotionally stable family.

Before I got out here, that thought would have torn me apart. I needed the stability of a family that cared, I was so desperate and the idea of losing hope would have hurt me like nothing else.

But now... That was okay. Maybe it was that I was adopted, or maybe because while I had a quiet reserved temperament, Alfred was boisterous, or maybe my parents just could not cope with two kids. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter to me anymore.

Because,

I'm not sure when it was that it started. It may well have been just as I had been thinking it all through, when I fell in love with Gilbert for the first or the second time, or even way back when I started to see him as a friend... But when I thought to the future it was him standing by me. Not my family. I wasn't sure that I'd ever see him again and if I did I would never be allowed to stay with him but it was him who I saw being my support the good and bad times to come. He just loved me in a way that my family never did... He didn't need to be pushed (he did have to leave me once to realise he wanted to be with me but that was the only time I felt where something dramatic had to happen) to make me feel loved... And I didn't want to sound like I was complacent about this, because, trust me, I was still stupidly self-aware that I was a frumpy awkward kid compared to his coolness, but really did feel like he did love me... More than that, when he was around he made me feel worth the effort of loving.

Future aside, I was still sitting there with weeping parents. Alfred had actually come in, not needing to even ask if they knew now and was leaning against the wall, trying not to give away the fact that he had actually known this whole time.

"I didn't mean to make you feel like this..." I murmured.

I didn't want much, I wanted to reassure my parents that I was alive, make them happy that I was here again, tell them that I left on purpose, tell them why and have Gilbert released and at least see him again.

Now there were two people crying in front of me and telling me they'll never forgive themselves for hurting me... This was the opposite of all that!

Alfred stepped forward and put his hands on my dad's shoulders, "Guys... Why don't we give Matt a minute? He's probably tired." We looked at each other and I silently thanked him. Much more of this I felt like I was gonna take it all back and tell them I was just saying all that because I didn't want them to hear how terrible my abduction was and then just go break Gilbert out myself.

Mom looked at Alfred like he suggested for them to get a coffee on the moon, "Didn't you figure it out? I can leave my son right now!" She sniffled and put an arm around my shoulders.

I was sorta relieved that they didn't attack Alfred when he came in. I was slightly scared that because I mentioned him a lot and went on about how after he came along things got bad they would try and pin the blame on him... But they didn't.

But I really, really needed a break from this.

"He's right." I said to her, "You and dad need some time to calm down too... I did a stupid thing because I was a little spiteful; you guys need to stop hating yourselves. Please?" I downplayed my phrasing of the situation... I figured if I made it sound trivial it would, I don't know, do something psychological. Or something.

She looked into my eyes; hers were with tears, "Really?" She asked in hoarse whisper, scared of abandoning me when I really just wanted to be alone.

I nodded, "A-And if you can..." I said a little nervously, "Could you tell the authorities that they have to release Gilbert now... Maybe ask them to tell them where I am." As big as the possibility was that I'd not see him I wasn't just gonna let it go.

Alfred raised his eyebrows, he obviously thought that trying to make requests related to this whole situation was a terrible idea but I just shot back a determined look, I planned on doing all I could to get us reunited. After that, I felt like we could take things from there.

I was pulled forward by mom and kissed on my forehead, her thin fingers stroking my hair for a few moments as she closed her eyes and just sat like that with me. I hugged her lightly; I still loved my mom, who didn't? Despite everything she was so important to me.

She let go with a sigh and gave me a sad smile. But she knew that I'd still be here when she and dad came back, something that would be a novelty for them for a while.

My dad stood up to and took moms hand. He reached forward and ruffled my hair affectionately, on the outside it didn't look at loving as the way mom treated me but I knew he felt the same way as her.

They left together with no protests, probably still revelling in the idea that I really did leave them on purpose, but Alfred remained.

He didn't sit, I had a feeling he'd be going to comfort my parents in a minute. But he still waited for a moment until they were gone to talk to me,

"So I guess you went ahead and told them?" He asked, though he knew the answer already.

I nodded, "I thought maybe they'd take it a little better." I admitted, "I didn't want them to get so hurt by it..."

He gave a light laugh, though this wasn't malicious like the way he sneered during our fight earlier, "Oh wow." He raised his hands, "I gotta admit, after all that time fending for yourself out there I kinda thought you'd come back at least a little less naive." He shook his head, "Come on, they were gonna be hurt, Matt."

I suddenly felt defensive, back when Gilbert invited me back to his home after two horrible months alone I had promised myself I was going to try to be _less_ naive so he wouldn't break my heart again, "I am! I just... I'm not used to seeing them get like that over me." Inexperience... That had to be why I was so surprised.

He shrugged, it was how it was, "Thanks." He gave me a small smile, "Seeing them not knowing and thinking about it all was killing me... I'm just glad the worst part is over with."

He was right... We could only go up now, "How long do you think it'll be before they feel better?" The sooner my parents could move on from what I did and stop hating themselves, the more quickly the guilt would leave.

He shrugged, "Maybe an hour... Maybe never." I gripped my bed sheets. I didn't like the sound of that, "They'll obviously never not regret this." He suddenly looked a little irritated, "But you asking for things like the release of the guy who they thought stole you is _not_ helping."

He did have a point. I knew he was right, but still, "Well, Gilbert is innocent! The cops need to know! They can just keep him in there." I was indignant.

"You just want him out because you like him!" He accused. He didn't sound too angry but he was annoyed.

I shrugged. Yeah I did love Gilbert. But that was an okay reason. Saying that it wasn't was like saying I should have more love for my family, but given the circumstances of me even being in Berlin that wouldn't be healthy.

"I love him." I corrected Alfred, not wanting to sound too much like a love struck twelve year old, "And I have to see him again."

"Now?" Alfred questioned my urgency.

"Mhm," I wasn't negotiating this, or backing down. Alfred was yet have the feelings for someone that I had for Gilbert, "I have a total affinity with him and I need him here, especially right now."

"He'd still get out!" Alfred reasoned, "They'd have to let him go sometime."

"But what if it's not until I'm gone..?" I whispered this quietly, voicing my biggest fear.

He didn't reply to that. He knew he couldn't argue with me with this one.

"I'm gonna go find the old man and lady!"He sounded almost cheerful, trying to brighten us both up, "You should rest up a little." He waved before heading for the door, "See ya."

**x++x**

I don't actually know how I fell asleep but after a lot of lying there and thinking I did. When I woke up the sun was up and looked like it had been for a while. I was still alone and I didn't feel as if someone had come in while I had been sleeping...

Even though I had never felt this while I had been living with Gilbert I really wanted to know what time it was. It could have been any time between 11am and 3pm. It made me feel so disorientated.

I got up slowly and stretched, I didn't even know how long I had been sleeping but it felt like a while. Longer than I had when they knocked me out with tranquilisers.

Firstly, I headed to the bathroom. I was desperate to use the toilet and wash my face, my skin feeling oily.

I peed and felt so much better once I had splashed freezing water over me; it was weird using a bathroom that was so clean... The shower wasn't covered human hair and it didn't smell. It was clinical... I kinda missed feeling disgusted at the state of the bathroom already. The first few times that I went into that public bathroom with Gilbert I was so obviously grossed out because he laughed, spanked my butt with a towel and told me playfully to get used to it.

I really missed him.

Checking my mousy bed-head hair in the clean (!) mirror, I decided it was time to go find people, mom and dad might have felt a little better by now, and I needed to make sure they were still planning on getting Gilbert released.

My door wasn't locked this time- they obviously had started to trust me not to run anymore and I headed down the hall. There was no sign of anyone who wasn't a doctor or a nurse but I felt too small in the huge clean hospital to ask where my family was so I just kept on wandering around.

"Matthew!" Someone called my name behind me. It wasn't my mom, it was a guy, and it wasn't dad or Alfred because I was 'Matt' to them.

So it had to be that doctor.

When I turned around I found I was right. It was the doctor and he had a pretty, young nurse following him like a baby chick.

I waited, standing awkwardly in the wide hall as they came briskly towards me, "Mr. Williams," The doctor dropped the familiarity as he and the nurse got to me, "This is Julia," He gestured to the nurse who smiled kindly at me, revealing pearly white teeth, "We were just coming to get you, Julia is going to administer a blood test for you."

My gut dropped. A blood test? I only just got out of this. What if my family decided they didn't believe my story and had gone right back to thinking Gilbert was some kind of psycho, "Wait, I said I don't need a-" I started.

The doctor raised one hand, stopping me, "We understand but please, this is just a formality." He gave me a saccharine smile, "Just in case."

I nodded but before that there was something I wanted to know, "Where are my mom and dad?"

"Talking to the police." He said shortly, "They will see you after your blood test. Now, Julia will take you downstairs. Follow her."

My mind and heart raced. They were talking to the police! They were getting Gilbert out! I walked behind Julia's spring like gait with my face to the floor to hide my huge smile. As we filed down the stairs and headed purposefully into a clinic I was almost deliriously happy... If things were already happening to release Gilbert then it seemed even more likely that I'd see him again... Maybe even today.

Julia made small talk with me as we made it into a small room with a desk with all kinds of medical things as well as a computer and I sat down on a chair. I knew I was already famous in the news and probably the internet too- people had probably just started to assume I was dead. Any investigation into me seemingly left alone until everyone had forgotten me until around 30 years later when new evidence would find its way to the authorities. So I was happy Julia didn't start asking about it, I was grateful that none of the staff had come up and started pestering me.

I sat on the chair, shifting uncomfortably. I had been so happy and excited at the news that my parents were talking with the police that I hadn't been thinking about getting an injection for my blood test... I had never been a fan of needles and injections... I had never known anyone who was. But Julia noticed my sudden pale face and gave me a reassuring smile, getting the syringe ready for me. I closed my eyes and bit the inside of my cheek...

Of course, it kinda goes without saying that they didn't find anything wrong with me in my blood test. Julia didn't sound surprised when she gave me the news, I guess everyone believed the truth about me.

I was finally reunited with my parents and brother around an hour later. My parents had stopped crying and even smiled and opened their arms as I hurried over to greet them again.

I was taken into the kind of bone-crushing hug everyone sees in the movies; the one that takes place after the boy has gone on some remarkable adventure with his dog. I never realised family actually showed affection like that.

"Matthew," Mom looked at me, there was determination, "Things are going to change now. We're thinking about moving house now, we'll put you in a new school... It's all going to get better! We promise!"

Dad nodded in enthusiastic agreement, "A new start."

I smiled at them. None of that would happen. I didn't have to be cynical to foretell that once we went home they would talk about it a lot, think about what it meant for Alfred, and what it meant for me and put off a making a final decision again and again until I faded off into nothing and we all ran out of steam to willingly bring it up. That's how it had always been with me, and if it meant trouble for Alfred then really...

I hugged them again, "Thank you... That's gonna really help..." I wasn't planning on bursting their bubble, especially as they looked so certain and proud of themselves.

They drew back nodding, "That's what we hoped. And we cleared it all up; they're letting your friend out."

I gasped, "Gilbert?" I blinked a few times, looking around as if he might just materialise beside them, "Where is he!?"

Mom smiled; glad to see that she still had the ability to make me happy, "He's at the station, sweetie..." Her face fell a little, "We were hoping you two could say good bye but we're leaving tomorrow morning..."

I froze... What was this supposed to mean, "Leaving?"

Dad spoke this time, "We're going home, Matt. Then we can start to move on from this whole thing. Sorry you won't get to see your friend, but some things are better left in the past, okay?"

No...

No!

Not okay!

I felt like I was going to collapse. I had to see Gilbert again.

"W-Wait... We can see him today, right!? A-And tomorrow!?" Not seeing Gilbert before I left for home again was a though that I had contemplated, but even when I told myself it was a possibility I could have never been prepared for the reality.

They looked at me sympathetically... I hated when they did that, it always meant bad news, it was just going to be presented in sorry way.

"Listen..." Dad didn't even need to go on for me to know he was going to tell me no, "We have a hotel ready for us, close to where we'll be getting a flight to London. We've got a big day tomorrow; we're thing we just head there."

"No!" I took a step back, the way they expected me to accept leaving Gilbert and everything I had here was scary, "He has to come to the hotel with us!" I only had a few hours left here, and I was spending them with my boyfriend.

Mom was getting distressed, "Honey, sometimes people like that should remain in the past!" She didn't want me to see him.

"Why?!" Gilbert had helped me, he had saved my life! "Don't you like him?!" Was it really that!? She just didn't like the look of Gilbert!?

But as dumb as it was, she defended her argument, "He's a twenty-two year old homeless adult! Matthew, I'm not sure he's really that safe..."

I butted in, "Well he obviously is! My blood test even proved he didn't hurt me..." Of course, that didn't prove that he didn't rape me or anything but it sort of helped me prove a point.

She sighed and looked at dad, clearly wavering, "We could agree to meet him in the morning?" She tried to compromise.

But the reality that I was leaving Gilbert with no way to contact him was sinking in like a bite, "No... I want him with me in the hotel tonight. We need more time together before we go."

With me giving them no other way around things dad finally nodded. We'll pick him up on the way in a cab." Finally I got my way.


	30. Chapter 30

_A/N: Here we are at the second last chapter! Already! As I did with my last fic I'm going to do the whole paragraph of thank yous now so my final chapter is all story and not bogged down with notes.  
Well, again I'm sitting here rounding up a fanfiction and it's just as sentimentally sad as the last one. Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to you (yes, the one reading this!). Without my readers, reviews, followers and favorites I wouldn't keep this going. This story got hard at times to write and the only place I sought motivation was in you guys and you delivered. Though I don't reply to reviews I read and reread each one and never let one go unloved. Thank you all so much!  
Second, I've already started work on my rochu fanfiction that should only come out a week or so after the end of this one. So if you liked this you should stick around and keep a look out for it. If you can't wait until then there's also my USUK fic to read if you want more while you wait ;)  
My next and final chapter is 7000+ words long by the way, so don't worry if you think I'm cutting things short for my ending, there's lots to come!  
Thank you for reading!_

**Thirty**

I'm not really sure why, but I was actually surprised as we left the hospital to get our taxi to the police station and then a hotel that outside the main doors of the hospital it was mobbed with reporters.

I didn't even have the time to breathe in the fresh air before a camera was shoved in my face and I was asked questions. I cowered back from the sheer mass of people and recording equipment that was in my face. I felt a firm grip on my upper arm and looked up to see a man in police uniform pull me and escort me through the crowd.

I had to keep my head down, not looking into any lenses or saying anything to them. It felt like hours of stumbling and pushing before I was finally at the taxi, opening the door I slid my body into the seat beside Alfred as fast as I could before slamming it shut and reducing the shouts of questions outside to a low background noise.

The moment I had buckled up and we had made sure everyone was with us we sped off, leaving them all behind. I noticed quickly the police were behind us, keeping a close watch. I sunk lower in my seat, embarrassed knowing that this was mostly all for me.

"Will they be at the hotel too?" I heard Alfred murmur as we disappeared from the reporters reach.

"I don't think so." Dad was looking ahead, wanting to hurry up and get to the police station so we could get Gilbert and then finally the hotel for some rest.

Mom was beside Alfred and was watching out of the window as Berlin passed by, "We don't have to give them anything, sweetie. The authorities will give them a statement; I don't want any of us to get involved." She sounded so tired... I think I was the only one who wasn't exhausted and wanting to go home.

The drive was quiet but I decided that was a good thing. If we were talking it would probably just be either gloomy or full of promises for the future that I knew better than to believe in.

I was also starting to get nervous... I had been though such a whirlwind in the past few hours since we were ripped apart that I hadn't even contemplated how Gilbert would feel about seeing me again. What if he was angry...? Him being arrested had been one of our biggest fears ever since he realised who I was. We were always thinking about him being seen with me and how that would look to someone who thought recognised me, heck, it stumped our ideas for taking out Judas, to an extent where we almost had to die to get him put away.

So what if he was mad? It had been my fault we had been caught. I was careless walking around on my own and to top it all off, ran back to where Gilbert was instead of going elsewhere to put them off his trail.

I wasn't even sure if he knew I was coming...

I shifted nervously the whole drive, wiping my palms on my jeans and practising a way I could greet him in a that wouldn't make him mad in my head. I even kept on checking myself in the rear view mirror of the taxi... I messed up my hair before smoothing it down again, then fluffing it up once more. I checked my teeth and we going to try and do more but the taxi suddenly stopped and people were moving again as we arrived at the station.

I was last to get out of the taxi... It had only been hours since he was taken away but it felt like I hadn't seen him in days. I stumbled over to the building and peeked through the glass doors... There was no sign of him yet.

I felt a hand on my lower back, "If you don't wanna do this it's okay..." Mom was trying to talk me out of this, she wanted me to just forget about Gilbert and go home like nothing ever happened, "I'm sure he'd understand."

But understanding didn't mean being happy, and I knew that, "No, I want this." I assured her.

To prove my point I pushed on the freezing metal of the police station door and opened it, stepping into the warmth.

I wasn't really sure what to do next... There was no sign of Gilbert and not many people were giving me that much attention. So we found out way over to some chairs and sat there, trying to ignore the blinking strip lighting.

And just I was settling down and getting a little calm I heard noises coming from down a hall. I sat up quickly, not knowing if I should stand or not as things got rowdier. I knew it was him.

Gilbert came into view, in all his glory, shoving away an officer who seemed to want to man-handle him and I really did stand up now. I forgot everything, my fears about him being angry vanished and it was like the three other family members I had behind me faded. He was right there in front of me when I was scared that I'd never see him again.

He spotted me and his disgruntled expression faded. He spied me from the corner in his eye and noticed me, slowly turning his head like he was worried that I was some kind of mirage.

Our eyes locked from across the room in the most stupid, corny way possible. He smirked, his eyes seeming to challenge me and I could feel my cheeks flush pink and my smile spread over my face. This was us. The polar opposites of characters. Gilbert and Matthew. Him and I.

I loved it so much.

My feet carried him towards him and I was running to his open arms. We collided at full force and I almost sent him toppling backwards with the force of my running into him.

It was like we were being reunited after years apart, I had to physically force myself not to jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. We were both laughing with happiness as we hugged tight.

I pressed my face to his shoulder and inhaled his scent as if I was trying to burn it into my memory forever.

"I'm sorry!" I pulled back and looked into his eyes, my own wide and desperate, "I'm so sorry, this was never supposed to happen!" I would have kissed him if I wasn't vaguely aware of my parents and brother behind me.

He smiled kindly, "I know, but I am free now. Thank you." He took my hand and pecked it, making me blush as I felt the presence of the others behind me more and more.

I looked away from him bashfully, "I could've never just left you in there..." I was in love with this guy; the idea of sending him to prison on false charges, especially ones that I was responsible for was inconceivable.

He smiled again, "Hm..." He sounded happy as he playfully bumped his forehead to mine.

I laughed as the bump made me lean back for a moment, "What was that for? Are you some kind of stag now?" I looked at him lovingly.

"I do not know..." He peered over my shoulder, "Are these guys your family?"

I blinked, remembering I had them behind me and turned to look. They were all standing, anxiously watching the exchange of greetings between the two of us. I could tell they didn't expect anything this sweet or heartfelt. Well, Alfred wasn't watching, he was avoiding the scene. I guess it made him feel weird watching us given he was the only one that knew that Gilbert and I were a little more than just good friends.

I nodded, "That's them."

He gave a huff, "I have something to say to them..." He growled and took a step closer to them.

"Wait!" I didn't want any hostility. I also didn't want my mom to be any more put off Gilbert than she already was, "Don't get mad, be nice to them."

He did stop but his expression is sour, "Why? They hurt you too much, Mattie."

As flattered as I was at his protective attitude towards me I really didn't think any of us could cope with more conflict, "I have it covered. They know what happened and why I did it so leave it alone." I put both of my hands on his firm arm, "Please?"

He sighed and let his tenseness go, "Fine. But I will not forgive them!" He sounded determined so I accepted this final offer and nodded.

I remembered then that I still had to tell him that I was going tomorrow, that we were now in our final hours together... I had to say something.

"You want to go meet them?"

I couldn't get it out, not now, not while we were so pleased to be together again... It could wait... Couldn't it?

"_Ja_." He confirmed.

"But hey," I started to slowly lead him over, "Don't be mean or say anything nasty." This was going to be nice and smooth...

"Fine, fine." He seemed distracted as he put on a smile, "_Guten tag!_" He waved cheerily as we approached my family.

I could understand why my mom, dad, and even Alfred may have been a little intimidated by Gilbert at first... He was back in his black street clothes and his face was covered in piercings. Not to mention his ghost like white face, silver hair, and blood red eyes... But their reactions, especially my parents' were just embarrassing. They just stared at him like he was an alien, not replying to his greeting, or even offering a smile. I was lucky that Gilbert's ego was big enough for him to go on, seemingly unaffected,

"I am Gilbert!" He exclaimed, as if they didn't know, "Mattie and I are best friends~" He told them proudly.

It didn't look as if he could keep going and I was a little worried that there was about to be an awkward silence so I tried laughing joyfully despite how fake it sounded, "Yeah!" I tried to improvise and fill the air with some kind of noise, "This is the guy who helped me..." I was getting a little desperate for _someone_ aside from Gilbert or me to just _speak_! "Aren't you gonna say hi?" I looked at them intensely as I spoke through gritted teeth.

"Matthew..." Mom looked right past him to me, "This is your friend?"

I nodded quickly, it wasn't the reaction I hoped for but at least I got her to say something, "Yes... If he wasn't here I'm not sure I'd be here." In fact I was certain. He saved my life.

All eyes were on him and he laughed, "Yes, I am a very cool and awesome guy..." Despite his praise towards himself he actually sounded embarrassed.

She took one of his hands and patted it, "Thank you." She let it fall back at his side.

Gilbert glanced at me, asking if he was supposed to reply to that, "You are welcome." He hesitated and once he realised none of the rest of us knew what to say continued, "Mattie is a cool guy too! And he was a good companion!"

Even my dad was finding this excruciating, he jumped in to say what I thought really should have been said at the start, "We're sorry for this whole misunderstanding. Don't take it personally." He gave a warm smile.

Gilbert shrugged nonchalantly, "I am out now... I knew Mattie would get me out." But I could hear some kind of sadness in his voice.

"Hey..." I whispered and nudged him, "Are you okay?" I had a feeling I knew what the matter was and it was the same thing that had bothered me... I was leaving... But I still felt I had to ask.

He nodded quickly but didn't speak to me as he answered the question (though his answer wasn't quite believable).

...

...

More awkward silence.

I was glad that before it could get much worse Alfred did the smart thing and suggested we got going.

Despite my best efforts to join Gilbert in a separate taxi from the others, my family (mostly my mother) insisted Gilbert was to go the journey from here to our hotel alone in a taxi by himself.

"You don't like him." I stated to obvious as I waved at Gilbert as he got into his own taxi and we got into ours.

"Well..." Mom flattened her skirt as she buckled her seatbelt, "I'm just not sure-"

I hated the fact that I was getting mad. Not even a day with my parents and I felt upset and angry, "He helped me! Gilbert helped me!" I wanted to smash a window, "I know you don't like how he looks..." It was obvious that his appearance was the reason why she wasn't talking to him, "But he has his piercings and tattoos for a reason." I remembered him telling me his reasoning for his body modification... It was to reclaim himself after what Judas did to him. I thought it was beautiful.

"He has _tattoos_?!" She sounded incredulous.

Shoot. Maybe it was a bad idea to mention that part.

I closed my eyes for a moment to calm down, "Even if you don't like him," I kept my voice level, "I owe him so much... So please try to get along? ...Mom?"

There was silence for the rest of the ride.

**x++x**

I had a feeling that if my parents that Gilbert was more than my friend and actually my boyfriend they would have a heart attack. So as we pulled up by the hotel and we all got out I didn't run into his arms. I just looked over to him and gave a friendly nod.

I just wanted him closer, this was our last day of being together, it wasn't fair that I had to spend it torn between them and him.

The adults went to check in, Gilbert, Alfred and I hung back in the lobby,

"So this is the guy you love so much?" Alfred looked Gilbert up and down. At least Alfred wasn't being so weird about him.

Gilbert grinned, "Mattie! You told your brother all about me!" He smiled at Alfred, flashing his teeth at him, "_Ja_, I am that awesome guy."

I nodded, "This is the one..."

"Hey..." Alfred was still inspecting Gilbert, "How old are you?" It was probably obvious that there was an age gap between the two of us.

Gilbert took a deep excited breath, ready to announce he was the oldest here and therefore, to him, the coolest, "I am twenty-two!" He clapped his hands together, waiting for the gasps in awe from Alfred.

Alfred nodded once, "Okay. This sounds illegal. But okay." He didn't seem incredibly impressed with the big number.

"It is not illegal!" He defended himself before clearing his throat, "The age of consent here in Germany is sixteen." He used all the snobbery he could to prove Alfred wrong.

"Guys!" My mom called, "We can go to our rooms now."

I was about to head over when Alfred caught my arm, "Don't worry about what mom thinks about him." He spoke in a low voice.

"About Gilbert?" We both watch as Gilbert confidently strolled over to get a room key.

He nodded, "Yeah. She's just nervous and he is a street bum."

I pulled my arm from his grip, "He's not a bum! He works, he's just homeless! Come on, give me a break- you two were getting along a second ago." A bum is what I considered Gilbert when we first met. I had never been more wrong and the assumption hurt him. I didn't want people to make that mistake about him anymore, he didn't deserve it.

"Wait, no! Not like that... B-But mom probably sees him that way... Maybe if you give her time,"

"Boys!" She called,

"Coming!" Alfred shot back.

I thought for a moment, "She's still trying to stop Gil' and I spending time together."

He sighed, knowing I had a point, "It's been really hard on her."

"I know! But this is hard for me to leave him. I want to be with him until we go." He wasn't going to convince me to do anything else. My mother could take it or leave it.

In resignation he nudged me, "Let's go, they're getting pissed at us."

We headed over to the others and I exchanged a smile with Gilbert before I took his arm,

"Let's go." I told him, "I could use a lemonade at the hotel bar." I was so ready for some time with him.

I started to pull him along with me, not stopping until I realised... He was resisting.

"What?" I asked. He looked at me sheepishly and suddenly I noticed my family behind him watching us.

It wasn't him and me against the world anymore. I seemed to have forgotten that as I tried to run off with Gilbert. There were other people now too who I had to think of and care about, not just Gilbert. And I hated that.

I cleared my throat, "We're just having a drink together, back soon." I told them quickly, and took his arm again.

"Matt." My dad called over, "We don't want you drinking alcohol." He was stern... But knew well that I stayed away from alcohol!

I gripped Gilbert's arm tighter, "You know I won't! Come on Gil'..." I tried to leave again but was called on, by my mother this time,

"I think it's best if we all stick together." She nodded as if agreeing with herself, "Let's go upstairs."

I was getting upset now, why wouldn't they just give us a moment alone? I had barely spoken to Gilbert since we reunited! "Please!" I tried, wondering if it could just walk away without listening.

Dad was getting equally worked up, "No! We don't want you drinking with him."

"We won't be drinking like that!" I was ready to explode, "I'll just have a lemonade! I hate alcohol!" I felt so trapped by them already.

"No." Mom's answer was clear, "We're going to our rooms now."

I wanted to cry again when Gilbert who had been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time spoke bitterly, "For fuck sake. I did not know you were this against Mattie having a social life- it is no wonder why he ran away from you guys."

I looked at him in horror as he spoke coldly and hit my parents where it hurt. They both stiffened and suddenly looked immensely troubled. Alfred glared at Gilbert as he put a hand on my dad's back.

"I'm sorry Matthew." Mom choked, "I... We're sorry." She sounded like someone had knocked the wind out of her.

I stamped on Gilbert's foot, "I told you don't!" I hissed at him.

He rubbed his temples, "I know. This is just furious." He sounded as tired of this as I was. I knew I could forgive him for the jab.

"Hey..." I called over, "You're right; maybe we should all stick together." I wanted nothing more than to get away with Gilbert, but I really didn't think I could cope with seeing my mother cry again.

Together we headed for the elevator and two buttons were pressed. One for Gilbert's floor and one for ours. When we reached the third level mom tried smiling sweetly and Gilbert as the doors opened,

"This is your floor." She reminded him, "Your room is just down the hall if you wanna get off." Clearly hinting for him to go away.

"Nah." Gilbert remained standing against the wall, "I will walk you guys to your room." He made no effort to move.

Mom clearly wanted to object but Gilbert was looking especially dark today after the exchange by the front desk.

He rode with us up to the fifth floor and we all got out, and I decided to try for some time alone with Gilbert again, "I really am gonna need some time with Gilbert..." I was almost too quiet, scared that people would get angry again.

Mom look behind her at us, "You can have some time honey... Tomorrow before we leave."

Gilbert froze.

"You..." He looked at me wide eyed, "You are going home? Tomorrow?"

I stopped walking. Oh no... I never told him.

He grabbed my arm and looked at me as if waiting for me to tell him that I was staying behind, "I wanted to tell you myself..." I told him, avoiding his eyes so I didn't have to see the hope drain out of them.

He was quiet for a second, "But..." He trailed off and just shook his head quickly, "You cannot leave me again!"

My heart lurched at the urgency in his voice, his words making me going home such an injustice. To make it all worse I agreed, and still had to tell him that there was no other was about me leaving. I grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, "I'm sorry! I don't wanna go!"

He was shaking as I let go, the knowledge that we had so little time sinking in, "Come to my room tonight?" It was more of a demand than a question.

I nodded, "Listen I-"

He looked over my shoulder to make sure the others had found the room and gone in before he kissed me briefly and left, walking down the hall and away from me.

"Wait!" I called after him... I had so much I wanted to talk with him about.

But he shook his head as he sped off, stumbling a little... He looked as if he was wiping his eyes.


End file.
